HOUSEWIFE
When I used to leave the house
I kissed my wife goodbye
Now as I leave my wife
I have kissed the house goodbye
LOOSE MORALS #1
She was without her knickers at Twickers
There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch
There was a blushing fellow at flushing meadow
When she was legs akimbo in the limo
PHILOSOPHICAL REMINDER
Even though hurting you
Is the very last thing I want to do
Not to tell you this would be remiss
It is still on the list.
CONDOM
In the Middle Ages
The condom was invented
Using a goat's lower intestine
So pregnancy could be prevented
It was an innovation of its time
But birth rates were un-dented
So a simple modification was made
Resulting in a drop in births
They simply removed the intestine
From the goat first
HELP LINE # 2
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
But I was extremely disappointed to be told
By the disembodied voice that I should hold
SOLICITING
A lady of the night
Was arrested by a cop
For selling herself
At a busy, truck stop
“I am not selling myself”
She told her accuser
“I am selling condoms
With a free applicator”
LOOSE MORALS # 2
She showed all her bits in Biarritz
She went all the way in St Tropez
When she got hot on a yacht
And got bare arsed before the mast
BIRTH DEFECT
A woman gave birth to a baby
And knew instantly that it was not right
“What’s wrong?” She asked the doctor
He said “your child is a hermaphrodite”
The woman had no idea what that was
But knew from his demeanour, it wasn’t good
The doctor hesitated before speaking
“It means the baby has more organs than it should”
“The baby is equipped as a man and a woman”
The doctor had to further explain
Before the woman finally understood
“You mean the baby has a penis and a brain”?
A PINCH OF SALT
Take life with a pinch of salt
So the old adage goes
So follow the advice
Take it from one who knows
Take life with a pinch of salt
Take it from a wise fella
Just follow it with a slice of lemon
And a good shot of tequila
SENIOR TRUTH
If I must tell the truth about getting old,
Then I shall put all my cards on the table
Even when I’m naked I still want to
Slip into something more comfortable
NOT PAYING ATTENSION
I was only half listening to the radio
So I’m not sure if I heard right
But I think the gist of it was
“Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite”
I think it was the weather forecast,
Meaning “Persistent rain but occasionally bright”
LOOSE MORALS # 3
There was some show n tell at the hotel
When she showed her tits in St Kitts
She was asked to leave would you beleive
So she showed them again on the plane
IN MY GHIA
Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia
Whether it be far of near
No matter if the roads are clear
In my mirror to the rear
A BMW’s Teutonic sneer
Will almost always appear
SEX EDUCATION 101
Peaches told her mother when she got home
Tommy showed me his willy at school today
The mother in shocked silence heard her continue
"It reminded me of a peanut in a way”
The mother relaxed a little with this addition
As it was not the answer for which she was braced
“Is that because it was really, really small”?
Peaches replied, "No because it had a salty taste”
ERIC THE CLERIC
Atmospheric Eric
An evangelical cleric
Was highly esoteric
And was quite mesmeric
But the atmospheric cleric
Was prone to the hysteric
And like his father Derek
Became a bedlam cleric
LOOSE MORALS # 4
She made women chatter at the regatta
But she made men quiver on the river
And when she was floating in a punt
There was absolutely nothing to see
PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS
The truth of the matter is I guess
That some folk cause happiness
Some cause it wherever they go
While with others it’s whenever they go
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