A Little Bit Of Humour # 151

WE NEEDED A FAMILY HOLIDAY

We needed a family holiday
But lack of finances can restrict
So I had to take them all
Up to the Off Peak District

I’VE STARTED PLANNING MY HOLIDAY

I’ve started planning my holiday
Last year I went to the Canary Islands
And didn’t see a single canary
So this year I’m going to the Virgin Islands

A MAN WANTED TO GO SWIMMING

A man wanted to go swimming
With sharks when the flags flew red
Of course you can do it at a price
But it could cost an arm and a leg

WE WENT TO THE SEASIDE

We went to the seaside
And it was so grim
Even the tide was reluctant
To come back in

I WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID

I won a round the world trip,
All-expenses paid
But my wife wanted to go
Elsewhere I’m afraid

SEND ONE BAG TO TOKYO

A passenger said “Send one bag to Tokyo
And the other to Paris, is that clear?”
They said at the check in desk “you’re going
To Athens so we can’t do that I fear”
“Why ever not” the man said in reply
“That’s exactly what you did last year”

BIMBETTE PACKED ALL HER GLOVES

Bimbette packed all her gloves
Into one suit case for Santorini
When I asked her why she replied
“Because its hand luggage only”

MY WIFE TOLD THE ITALIAN WAITER BLUNTLY

My wife told the Italian waiter bluntly
Without ambiguity what she meant
That his pepper grinder was like a penis
So he thanked her for the condiment

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING TIGHTS?

“How long have you been wearing tights?”
I asked him as we got changed for cricket
He smiled at me ruefully and then replied
“Since my wife found them in my pocket”

JEAN PIERRE AND HIS LETTERS

Jean Pierre coated his French Letters
In the famous orange liqueur digestive
His girlfriend liked flavoured condoms
He called them his Cointreau-ceptives

YOU CAN EITHER ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING

You can either ask me to do something
Or you tell me how you want it done.
But not both, if you already know best
How to do it, just do it yourself, hon

I’VE SURVIVED PROSTATE CANCER

I’ve survived prostate cancer
I've had two bypass surgeries,
I'm half blind, more than half deaf
And I have type two diabetes
I’ve had hip replacements,
An elbow and two new knees,
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92
And when I go out I can’t go far
As I have a very weak bladder
But at least I can still drive my car

AN ELDERLY WOMAN DECIDED TO PREPARE HER WILL

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
“I have two requests” she told her solicitor
“First, I want to be cremated, and second I want
My ashes scattered over all around Tombola
“Tombola?” the solicitor “Why a Bingo Hall?”
“Well that way I'll be sure to see my daughter”

AS I'VE MATURED

I've learned in my life that it takes years
To build up trust, and respectability
And it only takes suspicion, and not
A shred of proof, to destroy it completely

A CAT CALLED BOWLING

We have a cat called “Bowling”
So why did we call him that?
It’s obvious when you think about it
Because “Bowling” is an Alley cat

I AM NOT FRESH OR ORIGINAL

I am not fresh or original
That kind of sums up my story
And I have greyish white hair
So I am become hoary

A Little Bit Of Humour # 150

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 8

If you value your life avoid places
Where entities are known to kill
A certain geographical location
Yes I’m talking about Amityville

THERE WAS A TRAGIC CASE

There was a tragic case
When a Chickpea farmer died
And after the inquest
The coroner ruled it Hummuside

THEY’RE REMAKING OLD TV SHOWS

They’re remaking old TV shows
Updating oldies from TV heaven
A Sci-Fi version of “On the Buses”
Is going to be called Blakey’s Seven

THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG LAY

The chicken and the egg
Lay in the afterglow
He lit a cigarette and said
“Well now we know”

IT WAS ANOTHER SUV BIRTHDAY

It was another SUV birthday
Thanks to my significant other
No not that kind of SUV, I got
Socks, Underwear and Viagra

IF I KNEW THE FUTURE

If I knew the future and in particular
When I was going to die and where
The knowledge would be of little use
Other than to warn me not to go there

NOT DOING UP YOUR FLY AFTER SPENDING A PENNY

Not doing up your fly after spending a penny
Makes you forgetful and nothing more,
It doesn’t mean you have Alzheimer’s
Its only senility if you forgot to unzip before

GRANDAD BEAT HIS WIFE TO DEATH

Grandad beat his wife to death
But it’s not so bad I should say
As it just means that he died
Before Grandma passed away

WHY ARE BABY FLAMINGO’S

Why are baby Flamingo’s
Always allowed to mess around?
It’s simply because the parents
Won’t put their foot down

THE WOODPECKER LOST HIS BEAK

The Woodpecker lost his beak
As a result he was full of anger
He had lost his reason for being
And turned into a head banger

DRIED FRUIT TRADE

A customer said “I want to swap a bag
Of sultanas for two bags of raisins mate”
“I can only give you one bag” he was told
“Because that’s the currant exchange rate”

RIGHT ANGLED TRIANGLES

I wanted to buy some right angled triangles
And I wanted to do it without any fuss
So I asked around and took expert advice
And I was told to go to Pythag-R-Us

EXPERIENCED IN THE BEDROOM DEPARTMENT

I only dated my wife
Because I was told she was
“Experienced in the bedroom department”
Sadly it was gained
At Ikea over twenty years
Of course it was too late by then to lament

MY LUGGAGE GOT TRASHED AT THE AIRPORT

My luggage got trashed at the airport
So I made a claim at the appropriate place
But after filling out all the relevant forms
I was told I didn’t have much of a case

MY WIFE SENT ME TO BUY OXO CUBES

My wife sent me to buy Oxo cubes
Down at the local corner shop
But I returned home empty handed
Because they were out of stock

A Little Bit Of Humour # 149

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 7

If you value your life avoid places
That might make your nerves jangle
A certain geographical location
For example the Bermuda Triangle

FROM WHAT CAN YOU TAKE AWAY

From what can you take away
The whole and still have some?
Is an interesting riddle isn’t it
And the answer is wholesome

A FLIRT DRESSES TO KILL

A flirt dresses to kill
In her desire to impress
A butcher on the other hand
Kills to dress

MY UNCLE IS A JOVIAL MAN

My uncle is a jovial man and at home
He is always full of good cheer
But at work he always looks forbidding
But then he is an auctioneer

LIKENED TO A TREE

A dog can be likened to a tree,
I once heard it said
Because they both lose their bark
Once they are dead

THE DESIGNED INSTITUTION

The institution of marriage was designed,
It has very often been said
In order to keep a girl out of mischief
And get her into trouble instead

I ONCE MADE A SEX TAPE

I once made a sex tape
With an old girlfriend of mine
Although the first I knew
Was when I saw it on line

THE ONLY BUSINESS MODEL

The only business model
Whose proprietor prefers
Customers with no redeeming
Qualities, are Pawnbrokers

I UPSET MY ENGLISH TEACHER

I upset my English teacher
So I tried to comfort her
And said There, Their, They’re

THE HEAD CHEF

The head chef
At my favourite restaurant
Died only the other day
And the devastating news
Came out of the blue
He just Pasta way

I WENT TO THE RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT

I went to the restaurant last night
The Maître d’ said there was a delay
And did I mind waiting, I said no
So he handed me a drinks tray

THE FRUIT AND VEG WHOLESALERS IN TOWN

The fruit and veg wholesalers in town
Has been liquidated and closed down
They looked for backers but got no takers
So now they’re owned by smoothie makers

MACARONI MOTORS

I told my wife
That I made a car
Out of Macaroni
It wasn’t until
I drove pasta
That she believed me

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE MEAL

The man said to his date
“I hope you enjoyed the meal
But alas I don’t have any money”
She was unfazed and replied
“If you’d told me sooner we
Could have gone somewhere classy”

COLIN TOOK A PORK PIE

For his homework
Colin took a pork pie
Around to his Aunty Grace
Because he thought
That he had to take pie
To one dismal place

A Little Bit Of Humour # 148

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 6

If you value your life avoid places
Famous for a murderous creature
Like a certain geographical location
Yes I’m talking about Transylvania

MEDICINAL REJECTION

“I can't be your valentine
For medical reasons” said Nick
“God is it serious?” he asked
“No you just make me sick”

THE ORIGINS OF FAT TUESDAY

The origins of Fat Tuesday
Are Anglican and Catholic
But in our town Fat Tuesday
Is an overweight biker chic

HIGHER EDUCATION IS A WONDERFUL THING

Higher education is a wonderful thing
But achieving it is not without expense
And the downside to higher education
Has been the demise of common sense

But high IQ’s and University degrees
Don’t stop them doing something stupid
Or being repeat offenders at stupidity
Whereas common sense always did

WITH OR WITHOUT HER

It wasn’t that he couldn’t live with her
That caused him to doubt
It was just that he wanted someone
He couldn’t live without

THE CHINESE DON’T WANT VISITORS TO KNOW

The Chinese don’t want visitors to know
They are being spied on in Beijing
That why the Chinese government
Changed the city’s name from Peking

POPPERS

They said they had poppers at the party
But no evidence of them could be seen
There was no strands of confetti anywhere
And the carpets were spotlessly clean

RICHARD GURLEY DREW

Richard Gurley Drew invented sellotape
In order to help out a mechanic friend
I got his autobiography for Christmas but
I didn’t finish it as I couldn’t find the end

MY DAUGHTER WAS GIVEN A NOVELTY GIFT

My daughter was given a novelty gift
Which really wasn’t intended to confuse
But the look on her face was a picture
When she held a pair of chocolate shoes

I HEARD ON THE NEWS THAT A HIJACKED SHIP

I heard on the news that a hijacked ship
Had been taken by smiley pirates
I thought that sounded quite nice but
It turned out they were Somali pirates

THE RSPCA WERE CALLED

The RSPCA were called to an emergency
But unfortunately they didn’t arrive in time
The animal was dead in the Xerox machine
It was reported to police as a copycat crime

THE USE OF DRUGS IS RIFE IN SPORT

The use of drugs is rife in sport
And it’s a worldwide thing
But people think it’s just China
And that because of Do Ping

WHEN GINGERBREAD MEN SLEEP

When a gingerbread man lays
On his bed Perchance to sleep
He does so every single night
Laying down on a cookie sheet

I SEE DECEIT IN YOUR FACE

“I see deceit in your face” said a wife
Following her husband’s deception
He didn’t help his case when he inferred
It was “a personal reflection”

THE STRUCTURE THAT TOPS THE LIST

The structure that tops the list,
By a distance or a smidge
For creating the most tension
Is clearly a suspension bridge

A Little Bit Of Humour # 147

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 5

If you value your life avoid places
Where demons from hell meet
Like a certain geographical location
Infamously known as Elm Street

THERE IS A VERY DISTINCT DIFFERENCE

There is a very distinct difference
Between Mardi Gras and Fat Tuesday
The former is an all-night party and
You wake up with the latter the next day

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT PATRICK

The feast day of Saint Patrick
Is Ireland’s National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Patrick's Day

RELATIONSHIP RULES

Anything I may have said
Six months ago to you
Is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, in my view
All comments become null and void
After a day or two

YOU SHOULD NEVER ENTERTAIN LEWD THOUGHTS

You should never entertain
Lewd thoughts, whatever you do
You should close your eyes
And let them entertain you

NONRELIGIOUS KIDS ARE ILL-INFORMED

Nonreligious kids are ill-informed
When asked the difference between
The New and Old Testament
Only one child bothered to speak up
And he thought the Kindle version
Must be the New Testament

I TOOK THE GRANDCHILDREN TO THE THEATRE

I took the grandchildren to the theatre
To watch the new pantomime Aladdin
I knew it wasn’t going to be very good
As they refunded my money on the way in

MY FATHER IN LAW FLATLY REFUSED

My father in law flatly refused to
Watch Henry the IV part two
He said “I’m not like other people
I can’t watch another sequel”

A MAN APPEARING AS HAMLET

A man appearing as Hamlet
Was booed while performing it
“Don’t blame me” he snapped
“I didn’t write this bloody shit”

THE YOUNG PERFORMER WAS EGGED ON

The young performer was egged on
To the stage by his pushy parents
But he was soon egged off it again
By an unappreciative audience

MY DAUGHTER IS AWAY AT UNIVERSITY

My daughter is away at University
And has nothing in common with ET
Because ET phoned home occasionally

I AM DOUBLY HANDICAPPED

I am doubly handicapped
Which has scuppered my plans
I am illiterate and ambidextrous
So I can’t write with both hands

THE GIRL IN THE CRINOLINE GOWN

The girl in the crinoline gown
Danced like in a dream
While moving in unfashionable
Circles it would seem

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Don’t talk to me about
Fifty shades of grey
I’m at the care home
Vagazaling grannies everyday

YOU’RE NEXT

If it annoys you when old people
Point at you during someone’s nuptials
And say “you’re next” just start doing
The same thing to them at funerals

A Little Bit Of Humour # 146

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 16

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“Hand me that...uh...that uh... doohicky”

DRINK GREEN BEER

Drink green beer
On St Patricks Day
It will count as one
Of your five a day

MY GRANDDADS NOT VERY TECH SAVVY

My granddads not very tech savvy
So when he got a laptop I was amazed
But when I asked what windows version
He had, he replied “double glazed”

MY GRANDSON IS ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE

My grandson is always on his phone
Its scrambled his brain I think
“What you need is a life” I said
He replied “Ok send me the link”

THE LAMB AND PUP

I walked into my local
“The Lamb and Pup”
The landlord said “Bitter?”
I replied “No just fed up”

A 16 YEAR OLD LAD

A 16 year old lad asked the barmaid for a drink
“I can’t sell you booze to quench your thirst”
She replied “Do you want to get me in trouble”
The lad smiled and said “Can I have a beer first”

WE CALL MY AUNT BETH THE EXORCIST

We call my aunt Beth the exorcist
Its cruel but we can’t resist
It’s because whenever she gets near
All the spirits disappear

BARBARA WINDSOR WENT INTO A PUB

Barbara Windsor went into a pub
After the days filming was done
And ordered a double entendre
So the barman gave her one

MY FATHER TRADES ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE

My father trades on the stock exchange
He really enjoys the thrill
Last week he traded boxes of Oxo cubes
For multiple jars of Bovril

YOU’VE BURNED THE DINNER AGAIN

“You’ve burned the dinner again” he said
To the plate with the burnt offering on
“It’s not burned, its caramelized” she retorted
“Well you’ve caramelized it to carbon”

CROSSWORD CONUNDRUM

“Seven down, “Fizzy Drink” eight letters”
I said to my fellow traveller’s arrayed
They looked at me blankly, then one said
“If it was seven up, it would be lemonade”

AN ACCIDENT IN THE KITCHEN

An accident in the kitchen
When the condiments ignited
Blew mixed herbs in my eyes
And left me Parsley-sighted

I THOUGHT HE WAS SHOT IN THE FOREST

I thought he was shot in the forest
But I was wrong, and the reason
Was a simple misunderstanding
He was shot in the Lumbar region

SISTER AGATHA AT THE CONVENT

Sister Agatha at the convent
Was somnambulistic
The sleep walking nun
Was called a Roaming Catholic

WHEN MOSES WENT TO MOUNT OLIVE

When Moses went to mount Olive
He bit off more than he could chew
As Moses thought it was just him
But he found Popeye was there too

A Little Bit Of Humour # 145

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 2

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
But we never thought of eating Seaweed
In fact we didn’t even know it was edible

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 4

If on your travels you find a town
Which looks deserted, let’s say
It’s probably like that for a reason.
So take the hint and stay away

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 15

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of well being
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“It’s a shame Page 47 of the manual was missing!”

THERE WAS ONCE A DUTCHMAN

There was once a Dutchman
Who made inflatable togs
It was a only a short career
But he popped his clogs

AN INSECT PACKER

He was interviewed for the job
Of an insect packer of bugs and thrips
He answered all the questions
And in the end boxed all the ticks

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 17

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And all the staff did was make me worse
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“No I said remove his spectacles nurse”

HOW WAS THE OP DOCTOR?

He woke up and said
“How was the op Doctor?”
“I’m not your Doctor,
I’m afraid, I’m St Peter”

WHEN TWO APPLE DEVICES

When two Apple devices
Interface when meeting
They don’t do a handshake
But do an iFive in greeting

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION

Failure is not an option
The salesman told me
But he didn’t say it came
As standard did he

MY COMPUTER IS LIKE

My computer is like
Air conditioning as it goes
It works perfectly well
Until I start opening windows

MR OHM WANTED TO MEET SOMEONE

Mr Ohm wanted to meet someone
And start a marital home
And he just couldn’t resistor
That’s why she’s now Mrs Ohm

MY SON HAS AN IPOD

My son has an iPod
His sister has an iPad
My wife has an iPhone
And its iPay for Dad

NOW I KNOW I’VE REACH ROCK BOTTOM

Now I know I’ve reach rock bottom
It must be due to my personality
I just got in my car and I discovered
And even the Satnav’s not talking to me

HE WAS FED UP WITH HIS DEVICE

He was fed up with his device
So in frustration without flinching
He dropped his iPad in the river
And it immediately started synching

MY SISTER WORKS IN THE IT DEPARTMENT

My sister works in the IT department
And got sacked for having dyslexia
Her boss told her to “unzip his files?”
She misunderstood and he sacked her

A Little Bit Of Humour # 144

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 14

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“I think this blade is sharp enough, don't worry. “

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 3

When there is a raging storm outside
And an intruder with murderous intent
And the power suddenly goes out
Do not go and search the basement

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 1

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
And we didn’t do it under sufferance
Apart from prunes which were medicinal

ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW

St Patricks Day is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX

I asked “When did you last have sex?”
My uncle replied “1956”
“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”
And he said “it’s only 20.35 now

LAST YEAR I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO AUSTRALIA

Last year I went on holiday to Australia
And was asked by an immigration bore
“Do you have any criminal convictions?”
I said “I didn’t think I needed one anymore”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP TIED UP

What do you call a sheep tied up
To a lamppost with a piece of string
Well it depends where you are
But some would see it as a sure thing

THE ITALIAN CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

The Italian chicken crossed the road
Because he wouldn’t fight side by side
So that was the reason he crossed the road
In order to surrender to the other side

IS THERE ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?

Is there anything worn under the kilt?
An old lady asked Mr Lauder?
“No Madam there is not” he replied
“Everything is in perfect working order”

WHAT COULD THE POSSIBLE REASON BE

If a Britain was in the World Cup Final
What could the possible reason be
There is only one probable explanation
He would have to be the Referee

THE PRUSSIAN ARISTOCRACY

How do you think they got rid,
In days bygone,
Of the Prussian Aristocracy,
It was Von by Von

WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?

Why do the French eat snails?
It’s an odd habit, without being rude
The only explanation I can find
Is that the French don’t like fast food

AUSTRALIAN CULTURE

Being English we like to think that
Australians have no refinement at all
But today they are not without culture
They have Greek yogurt now after all

SOPHISTICATED NORTH AMERICANS

I had heard that there was such a thing
As sophisticated North Americans
And I have to admit when I heard that
I assumed they were talking about Canadians

WAS THE FIRST MAN ADAM, AN ENGLISHMAN?

Was the first man Adam, an Englishman?
There’s a question with which to grapple
As he was stood next to a naked woman
And he had thoughts only about the apple

A Little Bit Of Humour # 143

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 13

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“I hope this patient has already had a family”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 2

When it appears that you have succeeded
And the monster is lying dead
Do not for any reason go and check
Get the hell out of there instead

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 2

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a butcher
He added “I’m a mince Spy”

LAST NIGHT I WAS SHAKEN VIOLENTLY AWAKE

Last night I was shaken violently awake
So I thought it must be an earthquake
But I soon realised as my heart was soaring
It was just my wife telling me I was snoring

ONE DAY ON THE GOLF COURSE

One day on the golf course
I overturned my golf cart
A pretty woman came to assist
And I was attracted from the start
Elizabeth, was very attractive
And didn’t apportion blame
“Are you okay are you hurt?”
she asked “what's your name?”
“It’s Colin and I’m fine” I replied
And she invited me to her villa
which backed onto the course
“I'll help you with the cart later”
“That's kind of you,” I answered,
But my wife wouldn’t like it”
“Oh, come on,” Elizabeth insisted
“Just come in and rest for a bit”
She was very persuasive “okay,”
I agreed, “But my wife won't like it.”
After a stiff drink I said “Thank you
But I must go my wife will be upset.”
“She’ll understand” Elizabeth said
“Because you might have been hurt”
And asked “where is she by the way?”
And I replied “Under the cart!”

A LONELY FARMER DECIDED TO SEE A MOVIE

A lonely farmer decided to see a movie
And take his favourite Cockerel too
But he knew animals weren’t allowed
So he hid him down his pants, out of view
He bought a ticket, and went inside
And sat down next to two old widows
The movie started unbuttoning his fly
So the Cockerel could watch the show
And one widow whispered to the other
“The guy next to me has his thing out”
Her friend replied “Don’t be squeamish
It’s not your first nor the last no doubt,
And I’m sure you’ve seen bigger
When you’re at home watching porn”
“Well I’ve seen bigger” she agreed
“But I’ve not seen one eating my popcorn”

MY FIRST EXPERIENCE OF DRINKING COFFEE

My first experience of drinking Coffee
Was when I was a kid at school
It came in a bottle and tasted foul
“Camp” it was called and wasn’t cool

THEY DO VERY ODD THINGS WITH SPUDS

They do very odd things with spuds
Nowadays some of which seem crazy
When I was young people who didn't
Peel potatoes were regarded as lazy

INTERLOCUTOR RESPONSE

“Is it true if you’re asked a question
You answer with another question?”
A young man asked his new bride
“Who told you that?” she replied

HE DIALED 999

He dialed 999 and said.
“Send an ambulance, my wife is in Labour”
“Is this her first baby?” the operator asked
“No, this is her husband, Trevor”

THE ROADS WERE UNEVEN AND BUMPY

The roads were uneven and bumpy,
Potholed and rutted
Which is no more than what
You come to expect
Of a third world country
Unfortunately I was driving in Surrey

THE OVER 50 EXERCISE PLAN

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand,
Extend your arms straight out from your sides
And hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold
This position for just a bit longer on this plan.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.
Then try 25kg potato bags and eventually 50kg bags
When you are ready put a potato in each of the bags.

I DECIDED TO TAKE AN AEROBICS CLASS FOR SENIORS

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
And I had to gyrate, jump, twist and bend
And I sweated for an hour, but, by the time I got
My leotard on, the class was already at an end

ST PATRICKS DAY FANCY DRESS

My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For St Patricks Day
I said “Drunk will do me”

PEPERAMI IS A BIT OF AN ANIMAL

Peperami is a bit of an animal
Is the pitch the adverts hit
But its animal origins aside
I would like to know “what bit”

A Little Bit Of Humour # 142

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 12

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And was fearful the procedure would be a botch
And as I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see what I did with my watch?”

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 1

When browsing the occult section
Of the library shelves
Never read aloud from a book
Of demon summoning spells

ARE YOU WEARING A BOILER SUIT?

Are you wearing a boiler suit?
Well it’s not the most flattering wear
But it does have a certain fascination as
I’m fascinated to know what’s under there

WHEN ASKED WHAT HE DID FOR A LIVING # 1

When asked what he did for a living
He replied furtively “I’m a spy”
When told he was dressed as a farmer
He added “I’m a shepherd Spy”

WHEN THE ALLSPICE SINGERS

When the allspice singers
Really went off the rails
Coryanda and star Anise
Had the Pepperatzi on their tails

A TEACHER HELD A SPELLING BEE

A teacher held a spelling bee and asked
“Kyle, how do you spell “crocodile?”“
“K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L” he said
“No, that's not the way to spell Crocodile”
Said the teacher “Maybe it’s wrong, but you
Asked me how I spell it” explained Kyle

THE PREFECT AND THE OIK

“Why are you always such a dirty little oik?”
The prefect asked
“You are the dirtiest pupil by far,
Look at me, I’m always clean and smart”
The boy replied
“I'm closer to the ground than you are”

INTERRUPTING ANNETTE

“Give me a sentence starting with “I”“
The teacher asked young Annette
“I is...” she began but teacher interrupted
“No, always say, “I am”, Annette”
The girl looked puzzled, but complied
“I am the ninth letter of the alphabet”

THE CAT ESSAY

The teacher said “your essay on “My cat”
Is exactly the same as your brother Matt’s,
Did you copy his work for your story?”
“No, miss, but it's the same cat” said Corey

ONE DIRECTION HAVE SPLIT UP

“One Direction” have split up
It seems nothing lasts these days
Ironically all the members
Have gone their separate ways

MY DEAR ELDERLY MOTHER

My dear elderly mother
Suffers with indigestion
Ironically her Gaviscon
Is on a repeat prescription

ARE YOU WEARING SPATS?

Are you wearing spats?
Like some old Chicago gangster
If you were told they were in vogue
Then you’re the butt of a prankster

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 385

“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there!
He wasn't there again today,
Damn that was some good Mary J”

BOOTS THE CHEMIST SUNDAY OPENING

11am to 9pm the sign read
But the opening time was well past
And we were left out in the cold
And their apathy left me aghast
The signage needs to be amended
And a new sign should be tasked
Open “When we can be bothered”
Until “We can no longer be asked”

ST PATRICKS DAY IS AN EXCUSE

St Patrick’s Day is an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
That’s why St Patrick’s Day
Is the best holiday for me

Tales of Love # 29

OH TO FEEL LOVES EXQUISITE ACHE

Oh to feel loves exquisite ache
To feel that desperate longing
Experiencing that naked want
Of being with them again, and
Feeling so alive in the torment
While craving the next fix
Of that heady foaming brew
Which will satisfy the longing
And quench the thirst of desire.
And when that significant soul
Who holds my captive heart,
Is but a kiss and caress away
I am dragged from sorrows
Unfathomable despairing depths
And bitter anguish evaporates
Like dew under the morning sun
Until euphoria fills every pore
And in that perfect ecstasy
That blissful state of love
I remain until I am once again
Alone with my desperate longing

HAIR OF HENNA

Hair of Henna
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY (Rewrite)

Harry's mind wandered
As he wended his way
Through crowded streets
To a special someone
Anna was his new love
And he would see her that night
As he hurried along
He could smell her hair
Feel the softness of her skin
He could even taste her
And he longed for her
As he remembered
Her smile, her kiss
Her writhing body
Then Harry stepped off the curb
Oblivious to the danger
And was struck
By a car unseen
Tossing him like a rag doll
Depositing him unceremoniously
Between car and gutter

His body lay broken
And bleeding
Where it came to rest
On the unforgiving street
And the last image in his mind
Was not the killer car
But Anna his new love
As his life ebbed away
His heart beat its last
The paramedic's best efforts
Were to no avail

A moment's carelessness
Had cost a young life
And his heart beat no more
In his broken body
But would beat once more
In another's chest
And reanimate
To bring new hope
To rekindle another's existence
Bringing a new beginning for Sally
Who, like a phoenix
Rises from the ashes
Of her frailty at the price
Of another families grief

THE OLD RUSTIC STILE

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour

Tales of Love # 28

THAT RAINY SUNDAY

It’s a rainy Sunday
And I’m feeling blue
Remembering the past
And thinking of you

Do you happily look back?
Across the years
Or do you view them
Through bitter tears

Do you ever think of me?
Just once in a while
With a furrowed brow
Or rueful smile

You thought our love
Would last an eternity
But I was quite happy
Just to wait and see

I just wanted us
To enjoy the laughter
But what you wanted
Was happy ever after

I loved you so much more
Than I would ever say
When we broke up
On that rainy Sunday

When you asked me
I should have said
“I really do love you”
I just shrugged instead

I wish I could go back
To that rainy Sunday
I would get on my knees
And beg you to stay
HAIR OF GREY

Hair of grey
Falls untamed
Over blemished skin
In perfect complement
To graceful aging
And timeless beauty

THE BAD NEWS CAME

The news came,
As bad news does,
Out of the blue
At break neck speed
And hit me like a train
With deaths hateful sting
Numbing me to the core
Leaving me speechless
And too arid even to cry
Until the pain burst through
Bringing forth the bitter tears
As despair washed over me
Until I was drowning in sadness.
I sank in its frigid waters
To the depths of my soul
So bitter was the news
The loss so acute
I was broken in two
Lying beaten on the ground
I could feel no worse
I could sink no lower
Then like kicking an injured dog
I was struck by remorse
Like a tidal wave
A tsunami of regret
Knocking me off my feet
Why didn’t I tell her?
Why didn’t I say?
“I love you too”

LIFE’S SOJOURN

I held your hand
Though you did not know it
And I remembered
The first time I held it
That august day so long ago
When the magic passed between us
And I knew I had found my mate

It was such an innocuous action,
We were on the train
Two travelling strangers
As it rattled its way through Surrey
You were just getting to your feet
When the train lurched
And you fell back with a bump
I offered you my hand
Which you took and the die was cast
Our journey together began
Now your journey is nearly at its end
And I sit in vigil at your side
Where I will remain
Until life leaves your body
On that quiet final breath
And you make the next journey alone

I said to you when we were young
“I would love you all of your life"
And when you were still you,
Before the morphine took hold of you
You reminded me of it and said to me
“Will you still love me all of my life?”
With a crack in my voice I replied
“No I’ll love you for all of mine”

THE OLD RUSTIC STILE

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Still stands like a memorial
Marking that special place
Where the fates conspired
That our souls should meet
Though on that day
We purposely trod opposing paths
But met at that rustic spot
And to help you cross
I took hold of your hand,
Small and silken soft
Guiding you safely to my side
Where you stood on terra firma
And despite the presence
Of our companions
We were to all intents
Quite alone as we stood
Hand in hand and in the moment
When hand touched hand
We at once beheld
Our lives from that point on
Would be forever altered
Our future journeys
Would be as fellow travellers
And we were content
With a shared destiny

The old rustic stile
At the end of the lane
Stands like a monument
Marking the place of alteration
A significant place
A spiritual place
A place often revisited
And on such sojourns
We find romantic renewal
As the energizing memory
Of that special moment
Of love at first sight
Assails our senses
Essentially invigorating
Like imbibing the waters
From the fountain of youth
And our hearts once again
Resound with joyousness
Sweet moments of romance
Those excited tingles
Of loves first passion
When hearts beat faster
And desire courses
Through every fibre
The thrill of blossoming love
Adding to the strata
Of our love, laid down
Through all our years together
So by returning to the place
Of loves wondrous inception
We keep our love alive
And in equal measure
Love returns the favour

Tales of Love # 27

ABIGAIL’S TALE

In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home

She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time she hears from home
With news from those she left behind

Her parents, always loving and kind
Her baby sister, annoyingly lovely
All of her friends of long standing
And of course him, the reason she left

She left her home and those she loved,
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage dismally failed
So she is building a new life for herself

Away from the people she loves
And the places and all the familiarity
The things that reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies

So Abigail lives far away in a new town
And she is making new friends
Discovering new places that will be familiar
As she tries to forget past mistakes

She has joined a new church in town
A new congregation, where her angels voice
Can sing loudly in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself

And one day very soon, Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into an oversized sofa
And not be desperately homesick and sad

One day very soon Abigail will read
A long rambling letter from home
And smile at it familiar contents
And she will not feel the old pain strike

One day very soon in her new home
Abigail will allow herself be happy
One day very soon in her new home town
Abigail will forgive herself

HAIR OF TITIAN

Hair of Titian
Tumbles unchecked
Falling untamed
Over pale flesh
Like autumn leaves
Stark in contrast
Like blood drops
On a fall of snow

SHOULD I RUN?

I ask myself
Should I run to you?
And keep our secret tryst
For that sweet joy
Of being kissed

I ask myself
Should I run from you?
And protect my heart
But endure the pain
Of being apart

So I must ask myself
What joy exists
In sterile safety
Compared to being kissed
So I run to you
To the love and chemistry
And drown myself
In your sweet serenity

THOSE JOYFUL DAYS

Gone now is that joyful day
When we stood before God
Humble in his blessed presence
And we were joined as one
When everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
Full of love and laughter
Days of tender moments
And heady nights of passion
When everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
When we walked along the shore line
Happy, carefree and in love,
As we walked hand in hand
And everything lay ahead of us

Gone are those joyful days
When God blessed our union
And delivered perfect joy into our lives
As our little family grew
And we had everything we desired

Gone are those joyful days
When your smile lit up my life
And my heart overflowed with love for you
Before it was broken in two
And everything was taken from me

Gone are the joyful days
Since you have gone ahead of me
Now God has you by his side
And I will miss you until that day
When God has reunited us

I look forward to that joyful day
When we stand once more together
But though my heart is broken
I must delay our reunion
Our sweet children need me
And I must love them double now

GOLDEN LOVE

It was fifty years ago when I first saw her
When I fell for her beauty and her charm
And now in the autumn of our years
I’m still proud to have her on my arm

How long ago it was when we were young
When every minute we were parted
Was full of angst, agonies and torment
And time alone left us broken hearted

Now I could compose symphonies
And write lofty ballads to her name
I could write the sweetest love songs
And never express what are love became

I would have crossed the wildest seas
And walked on coals to be at her side
I would have slain the fiercest dragon
And fought duals to win her as my bride

I proclaimed my love to her as everlasting
And told her we would always be together
Through thick and thin, good times and bad
Through the calm and stormy weather

My heart soared as the church bells rang
When at the alter she stood and said I do
Now after fifty summers and winters
The love I proclaimed still holds true

Tales of Love # 26

THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE

Like the star-crossed lovers,
Romeo and Juliet,
They come from feuding kin
And must hide their love
From those closest to them,
So they meet in secret
Beside the quiet lake
At their secret place
To share a clandestine love
Where the only sounds,
Are of the faintest breeze
Disturbing the lofty tree tops
A gentle lapping of water
Against the bank
And ducks squabbling on the lake
But despite the quiet
They are fearful of discovery
As they embrace hidden from view
Beneath a weeping willow tree,
Its leafy pendulous branches
Trail down into the water
Where, stirred by the gentle breeze
They dip in an out of the water
Like the toes of a reluctant bather.
Despite their fear, the lovers
Kiss in the quiet shade
And feel at once renewed
No words are spoken
Their language is of caress and kiss
Such a tender converse
With limitless vocabulary
And languid pronunciation
Every syllable well employed
And when the final paragraph is reached
They end with perfect punctuation
And bask in its afterglow
Until they must once again stir
From their lovers languor
And sadly tread separate paths
To re-join their warring tribes
Adopting adversarial manners
No knowing looks to be exchanged
No casual brushing past
When for an exquisite moment
A hand might touch a hand
They must remain entrenched
With their warring clans
Until they can once again
Embrace beneath the weeping willow tree

HAIR OF AUBURN

Hair of Auburn
Falls untamed
Over pale flesh
Stark in contrast
Like a crimson rose
Against bridal white

GIGOLO AND GIGOLETTE

Right from the start
He lost his heart
When the gigolo met
His lovely gigolette
And Philandered no more
Now he had his paramour

LOVE WASHED OVER ME

Love washed over me
Arriving at my feet,
Like the lapping of waves
On a lonely beach
But it drifted away
On the ebb tide

LEFT ALONE

Tears stung her eyes
And her voice cracked
As she remembered
Her loss hung heavy
Since he, what?
Even now she can't say it
Could not utter the word
Euphemisms fill her head
Crossed over, left the world,
Gone to a better place
He's in the next room
Passed away
Other people can say dead
But she cannot
Seven years have passed
Since it happened, her loss
And she lost so much
A husband, lover, friend
Partner, confident
And Soul mate
And even now it hurt
Though the wound
Is an old one
It is still unhealed
Still vivid red, and angry
Time is a great healer
They said to help her
To comfort her
But she thinks they lied

Tales of Love # 25

FORGOTTEN?

I had forgotten her
I had forgotten
The way she looked
With her bright elfin face
And brown soulful eyes
I had forgotten
The sound of her voice
With its sweet honeyed tones
And her infectious laughter
It had been hard
But I had forgotten her

I had forgotten
The smell of her hair
The taste of her lips
The touch of her skin
I had forgotten her completely
She was off my radar
My senses were free of her
Free of her intoxication
Free of her narcotic
It had taken months
Going cold turkey
To cleanse myself, to detox
To shake her from my consciousness
And exorcise her from my soul
But I had forgotten her

I had forgotten her
By changing jobs
Decorating the house
And ridding myself of everything
That reminded me of her
And I was free
My life was once more on an even keel
The stormy seas had been quelled
All was calm and safe
And there was such comfort
In feeling safe
The wounds had healed
Though the scars remained
I had peace of mind
When I could say
I had forgotten her

And I had forgotten her
Until that fateful day
When I found it
Down the side of the sofa
A small pearl button
Such an innocuous item
Evoking such potent memories
Of a violet lamb’s wool sweater
That accentuated her breasts so well
The button was a casualty
Of an intimate encounter
Discarded in our passionate haste
And in that instance of recognition
She was all at once back with me
My senses reawakened
Her scent was in my nostrils
I could feel her lips on mine
Her caress on my cheek
I could hear her infectious laughter
And I saw her sitting beside me
Close enough to touch
And as the wounds reopened
I realised to my dismay that
I had not forgotten her

I had not forgotten her
I had just shut down
Disabled my interface with the world
I hid away in my castle
And pulled up the draw bridge
And created my own world within
I held the button in my fingers
As the drawbridge lowered
And my castle walls fell
And the world flooded in
That little pearl button
Spoke to me in volumes
And I knew I loved her still

HAIR OF MAHOGANY

Hair of Mahogany
Tumbles unchecked
Over freckled skin
In perfect complement
Like forest fronds
In a dappled glade

THE NIGHT OF FIRSTS

I dreamt last night
About our night of firsts
And I saw everything with such clarity
Though it was many years ago
All the sights, sounds, tastes, smells,
And of course, touch
It was such a special night
Our night of firsts
Principally it was our first date
And the first time we held hands
It was as I walked you home
Along the orchard lane
And then of course
Beneath the cherry tree
We shared our first kiss
On that late spring evening
When the air was full of perfume
And we heard the birdsong
As we gazed into each other’s eyes
Then our lips touched
And our fate was sealed
For at that moment
On our night of firsts
We fell in love
From that moment on
And all the days of our lives
Our love has lasted
And though I am alone now
And I can only kiss you in my dreams
When my time comes
We will meet again
And we will walk hand in hand
Along the orchard lane
And kiss once more
Beneath the cherry tree

THE LOVE IN US

The love in me
Touches your heart and soul
And I feel a love divine
The love in you
Touches my heart and soul
And we share a love divine
The love in us
Binds us body and soul
And we bask in a love divine

I FOUND MY ONE TRUE LOVE

I found my one true love
My soulmate and when
I first laid eyes on her
My eyes saw only beauty
And at once I heard music
Where there was clearly none
But I heard it nonetheless
I could tell she heard it too
And she smiled at its significance
So I returned the smile
To my heart’s desire
And then we were caught-up
In an all embracing kiss
And our love is still singing

Tales of Love # 24

BUTTERFLY SUMMER

I remember well, when we were young
And all those long halcyon days
We spent so many joyful hours
Just idling our time away
Down on her dad’s farm.
They were such happy lazy days
Swinging on that old rustic gate
Fishing in the mill pond,
Pooh sticks on the stream
And roaming the countryside
With nothing particular to do
And a world of time to do it in.
They were truly wonderful days
Pleasure filled days, innocent days,
Before the end of childhood
But that was before those amazing weeks
Of that one very special summer,
So many summers ago now,
When she transformed before my eyes,
A little more each day, into something new
Like a butterfly, emerging from its cocoon
Spreading its glorious wings in the sun
Displaying a previously unseen beauty.
A wonderful transformation
When she magically changed
From the cutely naive country girl,
An awkward and ungainly tomboy,
Into an altogether more graceful being
A beautiful young woman,
Though I was fond of the grubby faced girl
With the unruly hair, wispy and uncombed
But fondness paled and I very soon fell in love
With the beautiful butterfly that had replace her
And with the emergence of the butterfly girl
Possessed of all the wondrous beauty
Of the first flower of spring
We trod an unfamiliar path
And left our childish games behind
Taking our first tentative steps towards love,
A love that was a stranger to us, an alien thing
Yet we stepped eagerly into its turbulent sea
And immersed ourselves in its waters
We knew at once that excitement of first love
When joy was all we could see
And all of our thoughts were only for each other
Sweet moments spent in blissful adoration
Until love was burnt deeply on our souls.
Now when we walk the familiar places
Of our distant youth, as we so often do
We can stand in that very spot
Where first I beheld the butterfly
Resplendent in the sunlight
And say to her with heartfelt sincerity
That I love her still

HAIR OF CHESTNUT

Hair of Chestnut
Tumbles unchecked
Over freckled skin
In perfect complement
Like forest fronds
In a dappled glade

I WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS

Do not grieve for me
Do not mourn my passing
Just remember me with a smile.
Don’t think of me as gone
Remember what we had
Think of our life as a favourite book
Do not close it and put it on the shelf
Never to be read again
Just because you hate the ending
Start to write the next chapter
Enjoy it like all the others
And don’t be sad
I will be with you always

I will be there when the wild flowers
Dance in the spring meadow
When the summer breeze moves through
A field of ripening wheat
When the morning mist of autumn
Softens the landscape
And when the winter sun
Sparkles and glints on the snow
And I will be by your side
Through your loneliest hours
I will be with you always

I will be there in the dawn
Rising with the sun
You will see me again
When the sun sets at the days end
And in the twilight hours
I will be that gentle breeze
That caress’s your cheek
On a warm summer evening
And I will be that tingle on your skin
As you lie in the quiet hours
I will be with you always

I will be there when you retrace our steps
And when you stand on the lake shore
My reflection will not be on the water
By I am still with you
When you walk in the autumn
Through the golden carpet
I will be in the dancing leaves
And when the snow lays,
Though I will leave no foot prints
I am there for these moments that were ours
I will be with you always

I will be there in the quietness of winter
Among the falling snowflakes
I will be in the dew drops
On the grassy meadow
I will be there in the warm sunlight
Of a summer’s day
I will be with you when the storm
Quickens your heartbeat
And you will feel me on your skin
In the April showers
I will be with you always

I HAVE HELD MY LOVE IN CHECK

I have held my love in check
While watching and waiting,
Cautious from the very start
Withholding romantic feelings,
And playing it safe, until the day
I find a worthy receptive heart

WHY IS IT THAT LOVES TEMPERATE FLAME

Why is it that
Loves temperate flame
Cools the bearer over time
Why is it so sweet
And yet so fleeting
And why does love
Fill a heart with joy
Yet age the lovers
Like a wilting flower

Tales of Love # 23

BEFORE LOVE DIED

We walked together in the spring
When our love was a fresh new thing
The cherry trees were in blossom
And we thought life was awesome
Our hearts were so full we sighed
But that was before love died

In the summer we walked together
In the fine and sunny weather
Through fields of golden corn
When we parted we were forlorn
And felt a burning passion deep inside
But that was before love died

In the autumn we walked abroad
And our hearts were of one accord
We wandered thought the golden gown
And nothing could ever get us down
We felt as one when side by side
But that was before love died

When winters chill fell upon the land
We still walked together hand in hand
We played in the snow like children
Making snow angels again and again
I even asked her to be my bride
But that was before love died

We had walked hand in hand
As a life together we planned
We sat beneath a leafy oak
As of everlasting love we spoke
And we loved, laughed and cried
But that was before love died

Now I walk alone in the familiar places
Where we enjoyed our fond embraces
Where we kissed and spoke of tomorrow
Places that now bring me only sorrow
Her love made me feel alive inside
But that was before love died

HAIR OF JET

Hair of jet
Falls untamed
Over alabaster skin
Stark in contrast
Like a ravens wing
Against fresh snow

I LIE IN THE FIRST LIGHT OF DAWN

I lie in the first light of dawn
Alone, thinking of her,
Wishing her next to me
Feeling her breath
Against my skin
Her breasts
Pressed against my flesh
In the quiet of the new day
Hearing her breathing
I ache for her touch
I long for her soft body
Against mine
In the dawns pale light
And in the darkness
I want her
I want her so much,
But she is gone
She is mine no more
Never again will my hands
Caress her form
Never again will I hear
Her murmur and sigh in pleasure
She is mine no more
My angel of the night
Has left my side
And dwells now
With others of her kind

NEVER BE SORROWED

Never be sorrowed
By love’s compromise
Don’t settle for second best,
You deserve better
So search for the one
Look into their heart
And when they look back
You will know it’s safe
To fall into their loving arms

OUR FIRST MEETING WAS BENEATH

Our first meeting was beneath
A sky of perfect blue
When a shaft of summer sun
Set your copper hair ablaze
Unspoken smiles were exchanged
Followed by silent acknowledgement
And love bloomed like a desert flower
After fall of summer rain

Tales of Love # 22

LOVE LETTERS IN THE LIBRARY

I entered the musty library,
Of the once great house
With its leather upholstered chairs
And oak paneled walls,
Instantly feeling at home,
So I took a seat in a chesterfield beside the fire
And in comfort I began to read
But my chosen reading was not
One of the myriad of leather bound tomes
That filled the oak shelves from floor to ceiling
Nor a rare first edition, of which there were many,
I had my choice of all the classics
With their gold embossed titles
But my selection was a collection of letters
Neatly tied in faded red ribbons
And as I began to read them
They took my breath away
For each beautifully hand written page
Was part of a remarkable love story
About a most extraordinary couple
Whose depth of love was evident
In every eloquent syllable.

As I read on, their love affair
Was revealed to me as a most exceptional love story
For this lovingly devoted couple
Who billed and cooed in copperplate
On every scented page and shared their hearts love
In unguarded detail, had never met
For they had begun to write
In the innocence of childhood
As pen pals, for a project set by School
It was a chore that had to be done
But it didn’t remain burdensome
Yet even though they had never met
Their love was evident, in fact it was palpable
In their intimate personnel correspondence,
No that’s not what it was
Correspondence did not in any form
Convey the true meaning of their substance.
The tangibility was in their Love letters
That’s the only way to say it
The flowery words of an affaire d’amour
Echoed in the calligraphy on every page
Each revealing billet doux
More affectionate, romantic and intimate
Than its passionate predecessor
They billed and cooed on every page
Each lovingly constructed sentence
Heavily laced with innuendo
And dripped with sensual longing,
Subtle yet explicit at the same time
Flavoured with delicious nuances
Flirtatious and lustful
Romantic and affectionate
A love of such perfect purity,
Not for its pureness of thought
But for the absence of any hope of physicality
For their love was star-crossed
She was an invalid, bed ridden
Stricken with polio as a child
While he was a subject of an enemy state
And because their two nations were at war
She couldn’t go to him even if her health permitted
And he was unable to go to her
For fear of capture and imprisonment
So they could never meet, would never meet
And they were content in that fact
For their love transcended the physical
So they made love via their sweet missives
A love that never faded or faltered
In an affair lasting more than forty years
Which only ended with his death

The one and only public acknowledgement
Of the lifelong love affair, was in his will
When he expressed as his dying wish
That her letters, which were so precious
To him and cherished during his life
Should be returned to his love
So that they at least should lie together
She was so broken hearted at the news
That her cherished lover had left the world
She died a week after receiving them
And they could be united at last

HAIR OF AMBER

Hair of Amber
Falls in curls
Over golden skin
In perfect complement
Like ripened corn
In a summer field

JUST A SNAPSHOT

I held a picture of her
Just a snapshot
Dog eared and faded
Posed for posterity
A picture of a young girl
In a summer dress,
A “hand me down” clearly
The pattern faded
On the much altered garment
With a fraying hem
She was a pretty girl
With a face of innocence
Framed by brown tousled hair
A naïve and unaffected girl
Unsure of her beauty
And all the more beautiful because of it
Such a wonderful snapshot
Of a perfect moment
Captured so long ago
On a perfect day
I fell in love with her that day
As my heart melted
Like the snow in spring
I love her still and I’ve loved her
Every day in between.
Tears welled in my eyes
As I looked at that picture
Of naïve innocent beauty
And they fell unchecked
As I remembered
The woman she became
And the love we shared
But then she was taken from me
So all I have left is the snapshot
And all the memories it invokes

A SEA BREEZE BLEW THROUGH OUR HAIR

A sea breeze blew through our hair
As we walked along the shore line
The waves lapped at the sand
And sunlight glinted on the water
It must have been a beautiful scene
But as we walked hand in hand
I confess I had eyes only for you
As we strolled along the beach
While waves lapped at the sand

WHERE THE CROWNS OF ANGELS GLOW

If I am the first of us to go
I will wait for you in the place
Where the crowns of Angels glow

If I go first because I lost the fight
I will be waiting with the Father
Where souls emerge into the light

If I am the first of us to go there
I will await you in lush meadows
Where sweet perfume fills the air

If I go first and leave your company
We will meet again in paradise
And be together for all eternity

If I am the first to go, allay your fears
I will be waiting in the place
Where God has banished tears

If I go before you and we must part
I will wait for you in heaven
Where sweet music soothes the heart

If I am first to go, we will meet again
In a far better place than this
Where God has banished pain

If I go first through the eternal door
You will find me with the angels
Where suffering is no more

If I am first to go by days or years
You will find me waiting there
Far beyond this vale of tears

True Nature # 11

FOOTSTEPS IN THE FROST

A beautiful winter’s morning
When mist conceals the sunrise,
And nestles between
The frosty shadows of the trees,
And footsteps crunch
Through the crystal patterns
Of the crisp hoar frost

THE HARVEST MOON APPEARS

The harvest moon appears
In an Amethyst sky
The centre piece
Amidst the heavenly array
Of jewelled stars on display
Where such brilliance captivates
With spiritual delight
As you stand in awe
And imagine life
Beyond the stars

IN THE DEPTHS OF PURPLE CLOUDS

In the depths of purple clouds
Soft and temperate as the night
Masks the setting of the sun
And hides the fading of the light

NARWHALE

The narwhale lived year-round
In the Arctic waters around
Greenland, Canada, and Russia
Along with its cousin the Beluga
The narwhale males fished
The waters, and are distinguished
With its long straight helical horn
Like a predatory arctic unicorn

GALES ARE DRIVING WAVES

Gales are driving waves
Against the resilient shore,
And pounding
Them on to the rocks,
While on the edge of the wind
There is distant thunder sounding

SHE WAS A REAL NATURE GIRL

She was a real nature girl
Dancing happily in the meadows
Like a flitting summer sprite
With no thought of cares and woes
As she frolic’s like a lamb all day
Till the lengthening of the shadows

ABOVE THE HORIZON

Above the horizon
The beauty of a sunrise,
Slowly emerges and
Illuminates the sky
And as it spreads into the morn
It burns red on the calm water
As a cool pleasant breeze
Drifts gently across the bay

A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 4

ONCE IN AN AGE OF INNOCENCE

Once in an age of innocence
When the maids were chaste
The body was a temple of love
On which great value was placed
Now the age of innocence is dead
Virtue is sacrificed in haste
Bodies are desecrated at will
And displayed without disgrace

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT BRIGIT

The feast day of Saint Brigit
Is an Irish National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Brigit's Day

ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 1

One secret to a happy life
Is this, more or less
Take every opportunity to
Mind your own business.

HE WANDERED THE STREETS

He wandered the streets
Clothed in tattered rags
And shod in scruffy boots
That didn’t keep out the rain
So he turned to crime
To fill his hollow belly
And then Victorian justice
Clothed him in a ball and chain

FRIENDSHIP TIP

Don’t let a little dispute
Injure a great friendship
Swallow your pride
And quickly make up

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT ANDREW

The feast day of Saint Andrew
Is Scotland’s National Day
When the Scottish people
Celebrate Saint Andrew's Day

ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 2

One secret to a happy life
Is this and nothing more
Once a year, go somewhere
You’ve never been before.

THE PAINTER AND HIS MODEL

The painter and his model
Were smitten from the very start
And every stroke of his brush
Said “I love you with all my art”

NOT EVEN GOD

Their arrogant confidence
Was unshrinkable
In fact they considered it
To be unthinkable
For the RMS Titanic
Not to be unsinkable

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT DAVID

The feast day of Saint David
Is Wales’s National Day
When the Welsh people
Celebrate Saint David's Day

ONE SECRET TO A HAPPY LIFE # 3

One secret to a happy life
Is simply this in my view
If you make a lot of money,
And good fortune smiles on you
Use it to use help others
That is wealth's true value

AN ARTIST SHOULD BE ADMIRED

An artist should be admired
Treasured and inspired
And encouraged to create
Art to which we can relate

AFTER SIX LONG YEARS OF BATTLE

After six long years of battle,
Triumph came to the side of light
When the scourge of hostility ended
And Victory in Europe Day began
With joyous revelling and dancing
A new life for the country began
Then as Victory night passed,
And daylight broke through,
The peace dawned anew

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT COLUMBA

The feast day of Saint Columba
Is an Irish National Day
When the Irish people
Celebrate Saint Columba's Day

LIEUTENANT GENERAL SIR LESLIE JAMES MORSHEAD KCB, KBE, CMG, DSO, ED (18 September 1889 – 26 September 1959)

Australian schoolmaster
Of Cornish stock
Turned reluctant soldier to be
A veteran of the Great War,
Galipoli, Messines, Passchendaele,
Villers-Bretonneux, and Amiens.
After the armistice he was
A peace time businessman
Remaining active in part-time Militia.
Until the Second World War,
When he led the Australian and British troops
At the Siege of Tobruk
And at the Second Battle of El Alamein,
Achieving decisive victories
Over Rommel's Afrika Korps
A strict and demanding officer,
His soldiers affectionately nicknamed him
“Ming the Merciless”,
Later simply “Ming”
After Flash Gordon’s nemesis
He was a remarkable leader
When ordered to hold Tobruk
For 8 weeks and held for 7 months
And it is widely regarded to be the point
That Britain won the war

THE FEAST DAY OF SAINT GEORGE

The feast day of Saint George
Is England’s National Day
When the English people
Celebrate Saint George's Day

ONE OF THE KEYS TO THE SONG OF LIFE

One of the keys to the song of life
Is one of the simple things that please
Such as saying “bless you”
When you hear someone sneeze


WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES IN LIFE

We all make mistakes in life
But the first step is to admit it
When you realize you've made one
Take immediate steps to correct it

LIVE A FULL AND SATISFYING LIFE

Live a full and satisfying life
Make your mark and don’t regret it
But measure your success by what
You had to give up in order to get it