A Little Bit Of Humour # 144

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 14

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with a sense of security
As I was going under I heard the surgeon say
“I think this blade is sharp enough, don't worry. “

WHAT NOT TO DO IN HORROR MOVIES # 3

When there is a raging storm outside
And an intruder with murderous intent
And the power suddenly goes out
Do not go and search the basement

WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE ATE A HEALTHY DIET # 1

When I was young we ate a healthy diet
With plenty of fruit and vegetables
And we didn’t do it under sufferance
Apart from prunes which were medicinal

ST PATRICKS DAY IS ONE OF THE FEW

St Patricks Day is one of the very few
Acceptable times to wear body glitter
When you have a reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken for a stripper

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX

I asked “When did you last have sex?”
My uncle replied “1956”
“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”
And he said “it’s only 20.35 now

LAST YEAR I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO AUSTRALIA

Last year I went on holiday to Australia
And was asked by an immigration bore
“Do you have any criminal convictions?”
I said “I didn’t think I needed one anymore”

WHAT DO YOU CALL A SHEEP TIED UP

What do you call a sheep tied up
To a lamppost with a piece of string
Well it depends where you are
But some would see it as a sure thing

THE ITALIAN CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD

The Italian chicken crossed the road
Because he wouldn’t fight side by side
So that was the reason he crossed the road
In order to surrender to the other side

IS THERE ANYTHING WORN UNDER THE KILT?

Is there anything worn under the kilt?
An old lady asked Mr Lauder?
“No Madam there is not” he replied
“Everything is in perfect working order”

WHAT COULD THE POSSIBLE REASON BE

If a Britain was in the World Cup Final
What could the possible reason be
There is only one probable explanation
He would have to be the Referee

THE PRUSSIAN ARISTOCRACY

How do you think they got rid,
In days bygone,
Of the Prussian Aristocracy,
It was Von by Von

WHY DO THE FRENCH EAT SNAILS?

Why do the French eat snails?
It’s an odd habit, without being rude
The only explanation I can find
Is that the French don’t like fast food

AUSTRALIAN CULTURE

Being English we like to think that
Australians have no refinement at all
But today they are not without culture
They have Greek yogurt now after all

SOPHISTICATED NORTH AMERICANS

I had heard that there was such a thing
As sophisticated North Americans
And I have to admit when I heard that
I assumed they were talking about Canadians

WAS THE FIRST MAN ADAM, AN ENGLISHMAN?

Was the first man Adam, an Englishman?
There’s a question with which to grapple
As he was stood next to a naked woman
And he had thoughts only about the apple