A Little Bit Of Humour # 151

WE NEEDED A FAMILY HOLIDAY

We needed a family holiday
But lack of finances can restrict
So I had to take them all
Up to the Off Peak District

I’VE STARTED PLANNING MY HOLIDAY

I’ve started planning my holiday
Last year I went to the Canary Islands
And didn’t see a single canary
So this year I’m going to the Virgin Islands

A MAN WANTED TO GO SWIMMING

A man wanted to go swimming
With sharks when the flags flew red
Of course you can do it at a price
But it could cost an arm and a leg

WE WENT TO THE SEASIDE

We went to the seaside
And it was so grim
Even the tide was reluctant
To come back in

I WON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID

I won a round the world trip,
All-expenses paid
But my wife wanted to go
Elsewhere I’m afraid

SEND ONE BAG TO TOKYO

A passenger said “Send one bag to Tokyo
And the other to Paris, is that clear?”
They said at the check in desk “you’re going
To Athens so we can’t do that I fear”
“Why ever not” the man said in reply
“That’s exactly what you did last year”

BIMBETTE PACKED ALL HER GLOVES

Bimbette packed all her gloves
Into one suit case for Santorini
When I asked her why she replied
“Because its hand luggage only”

MY WIFE TOLD THE ITALIAN WAITER BLUNTLY

My wife told the Italian waiter bluntly
Without ambiguity what she meant
That his pepper grinder was like a penis
So he thanked her for the condiment

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING TIGHTS?

“How long have you been wearing tights?”
I asked him as we got changed for cricket
He smiled at me ruefully and then replied
“Since my wife found them in my pocket”

JEAN PIERRE AND HIS LETTERS

Jean Pierre coated his French Letters
In the famous orange liqueur digestive
His girlfriend liked flavoured condoms
He called them his Cointreau-ceptives

YOU CAN EITHER ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING

You can either ask me to do something
Or you tell me how you want it done.
But not both, if you already know best
How to do it, just do it yourself, hon

I’VE SURVIVED PROSTATE CANCER

I’ve survived prostate cancer
I've had two bypass surgeries,
I'm half blind, more than half deaf
And I have type two diabetes
I’ve had hip replacements,
An elbow and two new knees,
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92
And when I go out I can’t go far
As I have a very weak bladder
But at least I can still drive my car

AN ELDERLY WOMAN DECIDED TO PREPARE HER WILL

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will
“I have two requests” she told her solicitor
“First, I want to be cremated, and second I want
My ashes scattered over all around Tombola
“Tombola?” the solicitor “Why a Bingo Hall?”
“Well that way I'll be sure to see my daughter”

AS I'VE MATURED

I've learned in my life that it takes years
To build up trust, and respectability
And it only takes suspicion, and not
A shred of proof, to destroy it completely

A CAT CALLED BOWLING

We have a cat called “Bowling”
So why did we call him that?
It’s obvious when you think about it
Because “Bowling” is an Alley cat

I AM NOT FRESH OR ORIGINAL

I am not fresh or original
That kind of sums up my story
And I have greyish white hair
So I am become hoary