My name is Simon Fisher and I’m a writer of sorts and I’m sitting in front of my laptop staring at an open page in Word headed “An Untitled Novel by Simon Fisher” below it is one other word “The” followed by a space and the pulsing cursor irritatingly waiting for more, but if I give it more, it will, like some crazed addict, just keep demanding more it will never be satisfied.
If you hadn’t already guessed I have reached a hiatus in my writing career more commonly referred to as writers block.
It hadn’t always been like this, I’ve had some success in the field modest though it might be, and I wrote two novels which were successful, one stage play very well received and several screenplays perhaps less so.
This early flourish had at least provided me with a reasonable return and gave me something of a nest egg. But, why was there always a, but? But, my early success had petered away.
Luckily I didn’t go all Diva on my way up and have been able to survive on the good will of friends and acquaintances on the way down.
I milked all my contacts from Uni and the wider publishing world and picked up as many gigs as I could, a column here an essay there.
My literary agent was worse than bloody useless so we parted company I had a prolonged spell as an Agony Aunt which was most enlightening and I even had a three month stint as an Astrologer writing Horoscopes for a provincial publication while the regular numpty, Roxanne, went travelling to the East to find herself.
That gig ended when she returned after finding herself in Great Yarmouth.
I did everything to try and break the block, I even moved to London in an effort to immerse myself in its vibrant and colourful landscape with the hope that it might stimulate my writers bent.
But I just ended up getting pissed a lot.
So I had reached the fulcrum, I was 29 years old staring into the abyss of my thirties and the money I had accrued from my successful phase as an Author was now running dry.
I had a stark choice to make, firstly I could move to the states and join the swelling number of University graduates already there and try to compete with the fertile minds of those unconstrained by my affliction.
Second I could give up writing and get a proper job, a teacher maybe or God forbid an editor.
Or thirdly my personal favourite, pray hard so I could just shake the writers block.
As luck would have it fate took a hand and I didn’t have a decision to make.
My Uncle John died on New Years Day and left me his Cottage and a small cash sum more than enough to keep me going for a few more years.
I think he left it to me because he felt we were kindred spirits I really liked him, it was his tales of alcohol-induced debauchery that helped me when I was writing my novels.
His death was sudden though not unsurprising given his life style
So that’s how I found myself living in the quaint English village of Bushy Down in a lovely Victorian Cottage.
It’s a very tranquil place though not without its distractions, which you shall hear more of later.
From my study I can look out through the open French windows and across the expanse of lawn to a stand of ancient woodland that separates my garden from the golf course, there is no fence to separate garden and wood the two just merge.
The golf course is kind of the hub of the village, everyone goes there at some point and not just to play golf either there are two excellent restaurants, function rooms, a great bar all open to non members though you had to be a member to play or be the guest of a member.
Furthermore the club is crucial to the story because without it none of the following would have happened.
It was a glorious day at the beginning of May, unseasonably warm and the type of day that England was made for.
There was a big do on at the club to celebrate Pandora Parkinson-Browns 40th birthday, Pandy was the club Captains wife and she was a very popular character and a truly likeable person, as a result of which most of the village were there and subsequently a good deal of alcohol was consumed.
I arrived late at the party by a couple of hours as I’d been away for a few days and as a result I was obviously a good few drinks behind everyone else.
So I made my way to the bar and I was pleased to see the gorgeous Georgia was serving,
Ever since I first met her I’d had a soft spot for Georgie, or at least I fantasized about exploring her soft spot.
She was only just twenty and I later found out she was home for the weekend from Roehampton University where she was studying English and creative writing.
Since my arrival in the village back in January and it being known I was a writer it was perhaps not unsurprising that we would gravitate toward each other.
We had talked many times about her various writing assignments, which were her opportunity to pick my brains on writing issues and my chance to ogle her glorious bod at close quarters.
She was five foot eight with short bobbed brown hair, I’ve always liked a brunette, mesmerizing green eyes and a lovely figure suitably proportioned and all underpinned, excuse the pun, by stunning legs, sorry but I’m unashamedly a leg man.
As she was working the bar that day she was dressed in her uniform of short black skirt and crisp white blouse, always a nice combo, sorry I rather like uniforms as well.
“Hello stranger” She said smiling broadly
“I was beginning to think you weren’t coming”
“Hi George” I replied, “I’ve only just got back from town”
She raised an enquiring eyebrow
“I had to see the solicitor again; they still haven’t completely wrapped up Uncle John’s estate”
She nodded understandingly
“Do you want the usual?”
“Yes please” I replied looking around at my fellow guests “Make it a large one it looks like I have some catching up to do, oh and have one yourself”
“I’ll have one later when I can enjoy it, if that’s ok?” she said as she set a large Gin and Tonic on the counter in front of me.
“No problem”
Just then a large group of punters arrived at the bar demanding her attention.
“I’ll see you later” I said and went in search of the birthday girl.
I was still trying to get to know people at the club but there were still more who were strangers than not.
Pandy however was not one of them she always made a point to make everyone’s acquaintance.
I soon found her, slightly the worse for wear sitting on the terrace surrounded by admirers, not that she realized they were admirers.
“Happy Birthday Pandy” I called
“Simon darling” she said as she shot to her feet and launched herself at me for a rather untidy embrace.
“I’m a bit squiffy” she slurred
By early evening a combination of too much Gin and the heat of the sun had left me a little spinny headed so I decided to call it a day and headed back across the 18th fairway and the woods beyond to the sanctuary of the cottage.
I had just stepped onto the fairway when I was hailed by Emily and Jenny, I turned to see them tottering towards me across the grass shoes in hand ever so slightly tipsy.
The girls were best friends, quite inseparable and very gorgeous but alas they were only 15 even though the kept reminding me they were actually 15 and three quarters, sadly that three quarters was not going to keep me out of jail if I did what I had thought of doing.
But they were both lovely girls and I liked them a lot and not just sexually.
Jenny was the younger of the two by a few weeks, five foot two red hair and pale complexion and cutely freckled while Emily was an inch shorter with Jet-black hair and dark dusky skin.
They were both stunningly beautiful and wearing low cut party dresses they looked even more so.
They tottered up along side me each taking an arm Emily as always was flirting outrageously.
“Can we come back to yours Simon?” Emily said
“The olds won’t let us have another drink”
“Its not like we’re drunk or anything” Jenny chipped in
“Can we?” Emily said again
“Please Simon?” Jenny added
“Ok” I said, “as long as you behave”
“What will you do if we don’t?” asked Emily
“Will you spank us?” Jenny said and giggled
“You’ll get me arrested,” I said
Being over six foot tall and being arm in arm with two girls gave me a height advantage of more than a foot, affording me a wonderful view down the front of their low cut dresses, I know I should be ashamed of ogling school girls breasts but I’m not.
Emily saw me looking at her plump brown tits and giggled so I looked again.
Then I compared them to Jenny’s pair when Emily whispered to her friend what I was doing she blushed scarlet but made no attempt to prevent me looking again.
When we reached the cottage I left the giggling flirts outside while I went inside to change and came out 10 minutes later just wearing an old pair of baggy shorts and I joined the girls as they sat on the patio which was now in the shade and I gave the girls a glass of wine each.
Which on reflection was not the wisest thing to do, Emily kept leaning over me so I could have an unrestricted view of her tits, which was giving me a hard on like a milk bottle. In between glimpses of Emily’s pert jewels they danced around my garden flirting and flaunting and flashing their skimpy knickers whether knowingly or otherwise was immaterial as it was not diminishing the intensity of my erection.
Finally out of breath they tottered over to me breathless to drink their wine and sat their pert arses on my lap while they drank which made my cock throb and my balls ache.
Emily must have been able to feel my dick under her buttock but if she did she didn’t make it known.
Maybe she would reflect on it beneath her duvet that night.
Anyway I decided that it had to stop so I pushed them up onto their feet and simultaneously gave their buttock a little pat but I gave each plump little peach a lingering squeeze and seriously considered shagging the pair of them then and there.
After all they were only a little bit too young but I nobly thought better of it, as I figured perhaps less nobly that in a few months they would be fair game.
“Time to go, before I do something I’ll regret”
“But we’re having fun” Jenny protested
“We don’t mind a bit of sexy fun” Emily said and blushed
Then both girls giggled
“When you’re old enough maybe,” I said reflecting on the time when it would be legal if not immoral to shag their collective brains out then I smacked each of them satisfyingly hard on their firm derrieres causing them to release delightful stereophonic squeals.
Then I sent them on their way. I struggled out of the chair so I could walk them to the woods but the enormity of my erection and my aching balls made getting up and then walking somewhat uncomfortable, fortunately I was wearing the baggy shorts.
The girls were someway in front of me by the time I got to the woods still giggling they turned and waved and Emily blew a kiss.
“You don’t know just how close I came to splitting your whiskers today girls,” I muttered under my breath
“Straight home and take care” I said aloud.
I made my way gingerly back to the cottage and went inside for a piss, which was hellish difficult with a hard on.
I had to lean forward like a ski jumper and I still managed to hit the cistern so I pissed in the shower instead.
By the time I got back to the patio my cock had reduced down to a semi but I still had the lovers balls.
I sat down and poured myself some wine and saw gorgeous Georgia emerge from the woods, I assumed she must have finished work for the day as she had changed out of her uniform and was wearing a lovely yellow summer dress and being the man I am I immediately wondered if her knickers matched which caused me a slight trouser tickle.
“If you’ve finished work come and have that drink”
“Ok I was hoping you’d say that”
She joined me on the patio and I poured her a drink,
“I saw the pretty girls leave” She said, a little bitterly “Everyone really loves the pretty girls”
“Yes” I said thoughtfully “I rather like a pretty girl myself”
She gave me a look and I continued “which is why I asked you in for a drink”
“I’m not pretty,” she snorted
“No, you’re beautiful” I corrected her
She turned her head away coyly.
I put the drinks down on the table put my hand on her chin and turned her face towards me.
“You’re beautiful Georgia”
I was so close to her that her intoxicating perfume enveloped me I moved my hand from her chin and caressed her cheek while I stared into her beautifully hypnotic green eyes, and then I lent in and kissed her.
She immediately responded pressing her mouth hard against mine and darting her tongue in my mouth.
Her arms immediately wrapped around me holding me so tight.
My left hand was on her hip pulling her pelvis towards my now throbbing cock; my right was now on her neck moving quickly to her shoulder.
My other hand moved from her hip up her back and slowly unzipped her dress, the hand on her shoulder pushing the strap of her dress down her arm to the elbow at which point Georgia slipped her arm out, and as the cotton fell away my hand was able to cup her exposed breast.
She sighed and snorted air in deeply through her nose as I toyed with her stiffening nipple between my thumb and forefinger.
I disengaged my mouth from hers and she immediately tried to reattach but I broke away again as I had other plans for my mouth.
Still fondling her breast I started to kiss and nibble down her neck while my other hand slipped her remaining shoulder strap off to expose her other pert little globe.
Which I quickly took hold of with my spare hand.
Briefly I returned my mouth to hers as I fondled both titties playing with her swollen peaks with my thumbs then my mouth went on a journey down her neck, shoulders and chest until I found myself kneeling in from of her and her beautiful firm round tits which I took turns on kissing, licking and sucking. Georgia was trembling, her left hand was on my shoulder, gripping hard and her right was fingering my hair as I sucked her teat.
My hands were now on her knees about to travel north, and as they slid slowly yet purposely upward as if to distract her from my intension I sucked hard on her nipple making her wince, she withdrew and I thought I had hurt her too much but instead she thrust her other teat between my lips for similar treatment and I duly obliged.
My hands meanwhile were nearing their objective and I felt the fabric of her panties beneath my finger tips.
My hands spread out across her firm buttocks squeezing and kneading them until my fingers reached the waistband of her knickers and grasping the elastic firmly I tugged them off her round cheeks and down her trembling thighs releasing them at her knees where gravity took over.
My hands were quickly occupied with her naked arse and I stopped sucking her tits and instead began kissing her quivering belly.
Simultaneously I started edging her backward against the table.
Georgie adjusted her feet, at the same time kicking off her shoes and freeing one foot from her pants,
I was now pushing up the fabric of her dress and kissing her thighs I glanced down briefly to see her knickers loosely hanging around her ankle, which I found for some reason extremely erotic, and I thought to myself “they were yellow then”
As I kissed up her thigh I could smell her odour, which spurred me on, and very soon I was rubbing my face in her ample public curls.
I maneuvered her back further until she could slide her buttocks onto the table to support her weight while I knelt before her I looked up and saw Georgia was biting her lip and then she opened up wide for me to drink deeply of her heady mix of sweat mingled with her juices and pleasured her with my nose, my mouth, my tongue until I could wait no more and I got to my feet and kissed her, her pungent fragrance was all around my mouth and when I stopped kissing her it was all around hers as well and as my hand slipped up her thigh she licked her lips.
I fingered her hot pussy with two fingers of one hand making her moan while I released my cock from its confines with the other.
Then I penetrated her and I felt her hymen break.
I stopped.
"I didn’t know you were a virgin"
I said, still inside her
I’d always assumed she was sexually active she was after all an attractive confident young woman with no shortage of admirers as far as I was aware and she’d been away at University for two years.
"I’m sorry" was her reply
“What for?” I said, my throbbing cock eager to continue
"For not being experienced, for not being any good" she said pulling her dress up to cover her tits
“I’m glad I’m the first” I replied “And I’m going to be second and third”
I pulled her dress back down exposing her gorgeous tits and kissed her
“We will have to discuss your serious self esteem issues in the afterglow”
I said as I gave her a full length, then another then another.
When Georgia came the first time I thought the table was going to collapse so I withdrew from her soaking wet cunny and droplets of her juice dripped off my glistening knob onto the patio
“Please, don’t stop” she entreated
“Don’t worry darling we’ll finish this inside on firmer ground, I don’t think this table will take any more of your passion”
I discarded my shorts and pants and stood before her wearing nothing but her cum.
She stood up and grasped the front of her dress to cover her modesty.
“Let go” I said “You’re beautiful remember”
She opened her hand and her dress fell to the floor, she stepped out of it but still had her yellow panties wrapped round her ankle, she made as if to shake it free but I said
“No leave them, its really sexy”
I held out my hand and she took it in hers and I led her inside and finished the job and when I finally lost my load into her tight young cunny it was like a dam bursting from my pulsating twitching member.
After a prolonged nap I awoke to find Georgia playing with my shaft and kissing and nibbling my ear so I fucked her tight little cunt again before I walked her home.
I had a feeling I would be visiting her delights on a regular basis.
I woke in the early hours with my head buzzing with words and phrases so I got up and went to my study where I opened my laptop, it was still on the same page headed “An Untitled Novel by Simon Fisher” and below it was one other word “The” followed by a space and the cursor pulsing, impatiently awaiting input, almost like it was tapping its foot as it stood ever ready to receive further instructions so I sat down and miraculously I began to type the words and they flowed out of me like a river, no a torrent.
Four hours later I stopped typing but only then because I was hungry and I found I had typed five chapters.
I was euphoric so I ate a hearty breakfast but decided on a hot shower before continuing.
While I was showering I began to think about my sexploits with Georgia the night before and I got a rather spectacular erection.
I returned to my computer having dealt rather satisfyingly with the unexpected erection and the river of words flowed again and I continued to write for the rest of the day and then I only stopped when I caught sight of Georgia coming across the lawn and I got a trouser tickle.
So thanks to two hot schoolgirls and a nubile student my writer’s block was gone, and it would appear I have a penchant for writing erotic novels, bodice rippers and slutty romances.
That knowledge gained from my time as an agony aunt will no doubt become invaluable.
However I decided not to publish under the name of Simon Fisher but rather decided to use a pen name and the one I settled on was Juliana Molesworth, not chosen because the use of a classy name might lend the book some literary weight but because it was the name of the girl who gave me my first blow job.
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Friday, 4 May 2012
A Humourous Collection # 12
PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY
He was blessed most verily
With a photographic memory
It was never developed sadly
THE HARDER THEY FALL
A universal truth of worth
On which you can truly depend
If they get too big for the britches
They’ll be exposed in the end
FIRST SIGNS OF AGEING
She looked in the mirror
Then she started to cry
She had seen her first grey hair
And she thought she'd dye
ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE - ACUPUNCTURE
When you finish the treatment
You feel like number one
I would certainly recommend it
Acupuncture is a jab well done
CITY OF ANGELS
The smog sits over Los Angeles
On another California day
But when the smog finally lifts
U.C.L.A.
A SEISMIC SHIFT
An eminent professor thought
Her earthquake theory was sound
But soon found her knowledge
Was on very shaky ground
WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS
With marriage she got a mixture
Of happiness and stress
A husband and a companion
And a new name and a dress
He was blessed most verily
With a photographic memory
It was never developed sadly
THE HARDER THEY FALL
A universal truth of worth
On which you can truly depend
If they get too big for the britches
They’ll be exposed in the end
FIRST SIGNS OF AGEING
She looked in the mirror
Then she started to cry
She had seen her first grey hair
And she thought she'd dye
ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE - ACUPUNCTURE
When you finish the treatment
You feel like number one
I would certainly recommend it
Acupuncture is a jab well done
CITY OF ANGELS
The smog sits over Los Angeles
On another California day
But when the smog finally lifts
U.C.L.A.
A SEISMIC SHIFT
An eminent professor thought
Her earthquake theory was sound
But soon found her knowledge
Was on very shaky ground
WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS
With marriage she got a mixture
Of happiness and stress
A husband and a companion
And a new name and a dress
HALLOWEEN COLLECTION
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS? # 1
Are you wearing Halloween stockings?
Beneath your long black coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Halloween
For a certain horny old goat
HELLO SEXY HALLOWEEN GIRL
Hello sexy Halloween girl
Just one look at you
And how my old heart beats
So tell me sexy Halloween girl
That you have no tricks for me
But you will give me some treats
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?
Are you wearing a witch’s hat?
I don’t know what I think of that
I will just have to wait and see
If you decide to put a spell on me
I think it might be a thrill
If you were to bend me to your will
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a witch’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The shoes and cloak and hat
Striped stockings and all that
Then ply me with your potion
And realise your every notion
HELLO DARLING HALLOWEEN GIRL
Hello darling Halloween girl
With your bag half full of sweets
I hope you have no tricks for me
If I top up your bag with treats
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN GARTERS?
Are you wearing Halloween garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there pagan garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Halloween garters?
SPIRITUOUS
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKERS?
Are you wearing Halloween Knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Wiccan honey
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 1
Are you wearing Halloween tights?
Adorned with a a scary motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with a spooky motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief
ARE YOU WEARING DEVILS HORNS?
Are you wearing devils horns?
Now I get one of those winks
You’re wearing the tail as well?
You naughty little minx
You are clearly more devilish
Than anyone else thinks
Is it because it’s Halloween
Or a few too many Drinks
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKS?
Are you wearing Halloween knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Halloween knickers
What wonderful Witching hour fare
IT WAS HALLOWEEN AND
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN HOSIERY?
Are you wearing Halloween hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 2
Are you wearing Halloween tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with a festive motif
What a Halloween this will be
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS? # 2
Are you wearing Halloween stockings?
With a wicked witch motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each relief
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the Halloween treat
Beyond the wicked witch motif
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN DRAWERS?
Are you wearing Halloween drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
Well yes it would be regarded as a treat
And not just down your street
Are you wearing Halloween stockings?
Beneath your long black coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Halloween
For a certain horny old goat
HELLO SEXY HALLOWEEN GIRL
Hello sexy Halloween girl
Just one look at you
And how my old heart beats
So tell me sexy Halloween girl
That you have no tricks for me
But you will give me some treats
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?
Are you wearing a witch’s hat?
I don’t know what I think of that
I will just have to wait and see
If you decide to put a spell on me
I think it might be a thrill
If you were to bend me to your will
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a witch’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The shoes and cloak and hat
Striped stockings and all that
Then ply me with your potion
And realise your every notion
HELLO DARLING HALLOWEEN GIRL
Hello darling Halloween girl
With your bag half full of sweets
I hope you have no tricks for me
If I top up your bag with treats
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN GARTERS?
Are you wearing Halloween garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there pagan garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Halloween garters?
SPIRITUOUS
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKERS?
Are you wearing Halloween Knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Wiccan honey
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 1
Are you wearing Halloween tights?
Adorned with a a scary motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with a spooky motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief
ARE YOU WEARING DEVILS HORNS?
Are you wearing devils horns?
Now I get one of those winks
You’re wearing the tail as well?
You naughty little minx
You are clearly more devilish
Than anyone else thinks
Is it because it’s Halloween
Or a few too many Drinks
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKS?
Are you wearing Halloween knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Halloween knickers
What wonderful Witching hour fare
IT WAS HALLOWEEN AND
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN HOSIERY?
Are you wearing Halloween hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 2
Are you wearing Halloween tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with a festive motif
What a Halloween this will be
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS? # 2
Are you wearing Halloween stockings?
With a wicked witch motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each relief
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the Halloween treat
Beyond the wicked witch motif
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN DRAWERS?
Are you wearing Halloween drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
Well yes it would be regarded as a treat
And not just down your street
NO MANS LAND
No mans land,
A desolate place
An unforgiving place
Where stout hearts
Chill and falter
To glimpse at hell
Doom awaits us there
On that alien field
Where death falls like rain
In shrapnel shards
And bullets speak
Of whispered demise
No mans land,
A desolate place
Where men drown
In mud, blood and tears
Blood shed for country
Tears shed for kin
A desolate place
An unforgiving place
Where stout hearts
Chill and falter
To glimpse at hell
Doom awaits us there
On that alien field
Where death falls like rain
In shrapnel shards
And bullets speak
Of whispered demise
No mans land,
A desolate place
Where men drown
In mud, blood and tears
Blood shed for country
Tears shed for kin
THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A PANCAKE
There’s nothing like a pancake
With lemon curd spread on
And no greater disappointment
When it turns out to be Dijon
With lemon curd spread on
And no greater disappointment
When it turns out to be Dijon
THE DOVE OF PEACE
The dove of peace
Flying on lordly wings
Delivered an olive branch
Which delivered the world
Flying on lordly wings
Delivered an olive branch
Which delivered the world
A Little Sport
I LIKE THE SPORTING BANTER
I like the sporting banter
Surrounding sporting Rivalry
But there is a fine line
Separating it from tribalry
GOLF MODE
A man got on the bus
And sat down next to Bimbette
He smiled warmly at her
And briefly their eyes met
Full of golf balls
His bulging front trouser pockets
Caught her attention
Her eyes almost left their sockets
He said "its golf balls."
And Bimbette said “Oh”
Then continued, "Does it hurt
As much as tennis elbow?"
I like the sporting banter
Surrounding sporting Rivalry
But there is a fine line
Separating it from tribalry
GOLF MODE
A man got on the bus
And sat down next to Bimbette
He smiled warmly at her
And briefly their eyes met
Full of golf balls
His bulging front trouser pockets
Caught her attention
Her eyes almost left their sockets
He said "its golf balls."
And Bimbette said “Oh”
Then continued, "Does it hurt
As much as tennis elbow?"
The Love Selection # 7
THE FLAME WAS EXTINGUISHED
Guttering slowly to its end
The flame was extinguished
A fire once white hot
Headed toward extinction
As passions cool
In the diminishing heat
Of the sombre ashes
Red fades to grey
To leave despairingly
Loves dying embers
Its flame long extinguished
SALT ‘N’ PEPPER HEADED LADY FAIR
All I can do is stand and stare
At the salt ‘n’ peppered lady fair
The woman with the greying hair
Oh beautiful lady standing there
With tresses of salt ‘n’ pepper hair
Please be the answer to my prayer
HOW VIVIDLY I RECALL
How vividly I recall
Seeing you standing there
Dressed in white silk
I still feel the despair
Watching the woman I love
Stood for all to see
Making her vows
To a man who wasn’t me
AFTER AN AFFAIR
After an affair
All too brief
Barely any more
Than an aperitif
She stole my heart
Like a common thief
To leave me
Alone in my grief
Guttering slowly to its end
The flame was extinguished
A fire once white hot
Headed toward extinction
As passions cool
In the diminishing heat
Of the sombre ashes
Red fades to grey
To leave despairingly
Loves dying embers
Its flame long extinguished
SALT ‘N’ PEPPER HEADED LADY FAIR
All I can do is stand and stare
At the salt ‘n’ peppered lady fair
The woman with the greying hair
Oh beautiful lady standing there
With tresses of salt ‘n’ pepper hair
Please be the answer to my prayer
HOW VIVIDLY I RECALL
How vividly I recall
Seeing you standing there
Dressed in white silk
I still feel the despair
Watching the woman I love
Stood for all to see
Making her vows
To a man who wasn’t me
AFTER AN AFFAIR
After an affair
All too brief
Barely any more
Than an aperitif
She stole my heart
Like a common thief
To leave me
Alone in my grief
A Humourous Collection # 11
DESCENDING SCALE
The piano fell down
The mineshaft
And I know that
It sounds a bit daft
There was a cacophony
From the Bechstein-er
That eventually resulted
In A flat miner
FISCAL TRUTH
If you spend more than you earn
There’s no way to fudge it
You are stuck with your debts
If you can't manage to budge it
EGGS FOR EGGS
I like my eggs fried or poached
And scrambled are a treat
I rather enjoy an omelet
But boiled egg is hard to beat
LOCAL AMENITIES
I’ve just been to the shops
They didn’t impress me at all
But if you’ve seen one shopping centre
You’ve seen a mall
TROUBLESOME YOUTH
Police were called to the kindergarten
And the reason for the request
Was a troublesome three-year-old
Who was resisting a rest
INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 2
Did you hear about the guy?
Who was guillotined and how
His whole left side was cut off
Obviously he's all right now
FAST TRACK
I had to run for the train
And I had my laptop with me
And now it doesn’t work
I must have jogged the memory
POLITICAL IDEOLOGY
In a democracy,
It’s your vote that counts;
Which seems perfectly fair
In feudalism,
It’s your Count that votes.
Did you see what I did there?
SNACK TIME
When he’s making clocks
And hunger beacons
The clock man will
Go back four seconds.
INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT # 1
One of the guys fell into
The upholstery machine,
He was quickly discovered
And they knew what to do
To get him out the machine
Now he’s fully recovered
Friday, 27 April 2012
A Varied Collection
TRUE COOL
They’re the “in crowd”
The cool ones
The clique
Wearing the right clothes
Saying the right things
Defining cool
The un-cool sit
On the outside looking in
Wishing to be “in”
They bully and barrack
And show off to the crowd
The shallow crew
Sneering at cleverness
Shaming the boffins
In front of their crowd
Soon they will know
They have no future
They’re the cool fools
Don’t be envious
Stay with your piers
Friendship rocks
Just stand fast
Stick with your friends
That’s true cool
SOLITUDE IS NOT A NEGATIVE
Solitude is not a negative
That’s something I’ve always known
And for the sake of your sanity
Escape the combat zone
And once in a while
Spend some time alone
DARKNESS EVADES THE LIGHT
Darkness evades the light
It retreats into tight corners
And hides just out of reach
Where the light stops short
And the darkness waits
Patiently biding its time
As the day ebbs away
And the shadows lengthen
Until the darkness rules again
AT LONG DISTANT HILLS
In my youth I looked fearlessly
At long distant hills
Squinting to bring them into focus
With a feeling of contempt
But old age has quickly delivered me
To those once distant hills
As now I stand before them
And I am fearful
Feeling contempt for myself
For not embracing every step
Along that short journey
But its only idle reflection
And regret is useless
For the hills are no longer distant
And now the race is almost run
WITH SALT WATER BLOOD
With salt water blood
The valiant mariners
Are bound to the sea
By unseen chains
And serve their mistress
In sun and rain
But when gales blow
And storm and tempest
Batters and bloodies
They pray to the master
To be carried to shore
And when land sits
Beneath their feet
They crave a deck
And a rolling sea
And are drawn back
To their mistress
IN THE AUTUMN OF MY YEARS
In the autumn of my years
In the twilight of the setting suns
Will I become that which I despise?
A burden to my loved ones
THE RAVAGES OF TIME
Each year shall be recorded
In your now pretty face
Soon your youth will vanish
Fading without a trace
And with each passing year
You will slowly lose the race
You will fall further behind
Until you are in last place
And a lifetime will be recorded
In your now pretty face
They’re the “in crowd”
The cool ones
The clique
Wearing the right clothes
Saying the right things
Defining cool
The un-cool sit
On the outside looking in
Wishing to be “in”
They bully and barrack
And show off to the crowd
The shallow crew
Sneering at cleverness
Shaming the boffins
In front of their crowd
Soon they will know
They have no future
They’re the cool fools
Don’t be envious
Stay with your piers
Friendship rocks
Just stand fast
Stick with your friends
That’s true cool
SOLITUDE IS NOT A NEGATIVE
Solitude is not a negative
That’s something I’ve always known
And for the sake of your sanity
Escape the combat zone
And once in a while
Spend some time alone
DARKNESS EVADES THE LIGHT
Darkness evades the light
It retreats into tight corners
And hides just out of reach
Where the light stops short
And the darkness waits
Patiently biding its time
As the day ebbs away
And the shadows lengthen
Until the darkness rules again
AT LONG DISTANT HILLS
In my youth I looked fearlessly
At long distant hills
Squinting to bring them into focus
With a feeling of contempt
But old age has quickly delivered me
To those once distant hills
As now I stand before them
And I am fearful
Feeling contempt for myself
For not embracing every step
Along that short journey
But its only idle reflection
And regret is useless
For the hills are no longer distant
And now the race is almost run
WITH SALT WATER BLOOD
With salt water blood
The valiant mariners
Are bound to the sea
By unseen chains
And serve their mistress
In sun and rain
But when gales blow
And storm and tempest
Batters and bloodies
They pray to the master
To be carried to shore
And when land sits
Beneath their feet
They crave a deck
And a rolling sea
And are drawn back
To their mistress
IN THE AUTUMN OF MY YEARS
In the autumn of my years
In the twilight of the setting suns
Will I become that which I despise?
A burden to my loved ones
THE RAVAGES OF TIME
Each year shall be recorded
In your now pretty face
Soon your youth will vanish
Fading without a trace
And with each passing year
You will slowly lose the race
You will fall further behind
Until you are in last place
And a lifetime will be recorded
In your now pretty face
The Love Selection # 6
LOVE IS NOT
Love is not
A test of life,
To prove existence
Love is life
Where love is absent
Life perishes
Where love exists
Life is lived
THE TIME I HAVE AWAITED IS AT HAND
The time I have awaited is at hand
As evening falls slowly on my life
And as my light sets on this world
I will once again rejoin my wife
LOVE IS NOT A TEST OF LIFE
Love is not a test of life
That we might pass or fail
To prove if we are alive
Life is a test of love
That we can pass or fail
But we must try to survive
FROM THE SIGHT OF THE FIRST SWALLOW
From the sight of the first swallow
To the moment of the last fall of snow
More than a short romantic interlude
But nonetheless it was bound to conclude
A love born beneath a swallow’s wing
Perished on the very eve of spring
THROUGH SILENT TEARS
I look back through silent tears
To those long forgotten years
When love was young, as were we
And you were to shy to speak to me
And I was to scared to speak to you
But some how we muddled through
And by some kind of strange detente
We spoke whispers full of loving want
And together spent a very happy life
A very happy husband and wife
Yes we certainly muddled through
Until I had to say goodbye to you
But soon we’ll be together dear
And I won’t have to shed another tear
I HAVE A PICTURE
I have a picture of you
A picture in my head
Of you lying naked
And breathless on your bed
In your eyes is a plea
Though words are unsaid
To leave you again breathless
And naked on your bed
WE WERE LIKE A KIT
We were like a kit
Unassembled and incomplete
A loose collection of parts
But we were just parts
And the lesser for it
But there was no manual
There were no instructions
To say which part fitted which
So there were mistakes
Part A did not fit part Z
And part B did not connect with H
But then one day
Part A was in proximity with B
And quite effortlessly
Joined into one entity
And became us
AS THE AUGUST MOON SHINES BRIGHT
As the august moon shines bright
On a clear summers night
There is mischief of a kind
For those with love on their mind
As the song birds serenade
The courting couples on parade
IN THE TAPESTRY OF LIFE
In the tapestry of life
Love lies deep
Finely threaded through
Like a constant breath
Radiating perfect beauty
Whatever scene is portrayed
Love is the constant
Within the weave
MY PROPOSAL WAS REHEARSED
My proposal was rehearsed
I felt quietly confident
I maintained composure
Tinged with excitement
And I was quite shocked
To find her ambivalent
Love is not
A test of life,
To prove existence
Love is life
Where love is absent
Life perishes
Where love exists
Life is lived
THE TIME I HAVE AWAITED IS AT HAND
The time I have awaited is at hand
As evening falls slowly on my life
And as my light sets on this world
I will once again rejoin my wife
LOVE IS NOT A TEST OF LIFE
Love is not a test of life
That we might pass or fail
To prove if we are alive
Life is a test of love
That we can pass or fail
But we must try to survive
FROM THE SIGHT OF THE FIRST SWALLOW
From the sight of the first swallow
To the moment of the last fall of snow
More than a short romantic interlude
But nonetheless it was bound to conclude
A love born beneath a swallow’s wing
Perished on the very eve of spring
THROUGH SILENT TEARS
I look back through silent tears
To those long forgotten years
When love was young, as were we
And you were to shy to speak to me
And I was to scared to speak to you
But some how we muddled through
And by some kind of strange detente
We spoke whispers full of loving want
And together spent a very happy life
A very happy husband and wife
Yes we certainly muddled through
Until I had to say goodbye to you
But soon we’ll be together dear
And I won’t have to shed another tear
I HAVE A PICTURE
I have a picture of you
A picture in my head
Of you lying naked
And breathless on your bed
In your eyes is a plea
Though words are unsaid
To leave you again breathless
And naked on your bed
WE WERE LIKE A KIT
We were like a kit
Unassembled and incomplete
A loose collection of parts
But we were just parts
And the lesser for it
But there was no manual
There were no instructions
To say which part fitted which
So there were mistakes
Part A did not fit part Z
And part B did not connect with H
But then one day
Part A was in proximity with B
And quite effortlessly
Joined into one entity
And became us
AS THE AUGUST MOON SHINES BRIGHT
As the august moon shines bright
On a clear summers night
There is mischief of a kind
For those with love on their mind
As the song birds serenade
The courting couples on parade
IN THE TAPESTRY OF LIFE
In the tapestry of life
Love lies deep
Finely threaded through
Like a constant breath
Radiating perfect beauty
Whatever scene is portrayed
Love is the constant
Within the weave
MY PROPOSAL WAS REHEARSED
My proposal was rehearsed
I felt quietly confident
I maintained composure
Tinged with excitement
And I was quite shocked
To find her ambivalent
A Humourous Collection # 10
CALL CENTER MODE
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"
"Do you have any windows open?"
The tech support guy asks her
"Are you mad? Its mid December
And I’m calling from Alaska”
WHAT DO YOU CALL?
What do you call?
The first asylum seeker to appear
From his hiding place
Obviously it’s Amir
What do you call?
The second one, come to dwell
To have a better life
His name’s Amir Azwel!
What do you call?
The third man lithe of limb
Immerging from the truck
Amir Azwel Azim!
A MEDICAL MIRACLE
The alphabet of doom
(I’m)
Arthritic,
Bronchial,
Calloused,
(And)
Decaying,
Exitial,
Flatulent,
Gaseous,
(And)
Haemorrhoidal,
Incontinent,
Jaundiced,
Knackered,
Liver spotted,
(And)
Myopic,
Neuralgic,
Overdue,
Preoperative,
(And)
Queasy,
Rheumatic,
Shaky,
Tremulous,
Unviable,
(And)
Viral,
(A)
Worrywart,
Xanthochroic,
Yellow
(And)
Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 12
Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an elocutionist
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the clients
When it says Enunciate, Enunciate
ONCE I ROCKED YOUR WORLD
Once I rocked your world
And made you turn and stare
But that was a world away
Now I rock my rocking chair
CLAUDE AND MAUD
An unfortunate pair,
Claude and Maud
Spent what they
Could ill afford
And ended up
Committing fraud
So the unfortunate pair,
Claude and Maud
To avoid the law
Fled abroad
INVIGILATED
Sitting the final exam
Was quite frankly, fruitless
Trying to write with
A broken pencil is pointless
FISHY BEHAVIOUR
When fish are in schools
Their behaviour is sedate
Except of course for the days
When they take debate
BATTERY CONUNDRUM
It used to be “batteries not included”
For products small and large
Now they come with batteries
But are they free of charge?
LIVING FROM HAND TO MOUTH
She was a manicurist
He was a dentist
And when they wed
It was widely said
That they couldn’t fail
But they fight tooth and nail
One day Bimbette was having trouble
With her computer,
So she decided to try the call center
At a time that would suit her
"Hello how can I help you?"
The tech support guy asks
She replied, “I can’t get my computer
To do even the simplest tasks"
"Do you have any windows open?"
The tech support guy asks her
"Are you mad? Its mid December
And I’m calling from Alaska”
WHAT DO YOU CALL?
What do you call?
The first asylum seeker to appear
From his hiding place
Obviously it’s Amir
What do you call?
The second one, come to dwell
To have a better life
His name’s Amir Azwel!
What do you call?
The third man lithe of limb
Immerging from the truck
Amir Azwel Azim!
A MEDICAL MIRACLE
The alphabet of doom
(I’m)
Arthritic,
Bronchial,
Calloused,
(And)
Decaying,
Exitial,
Flatulent,
Gaseous,
(And)
Haemorrhoidal,
Incontinent,
Jaundiced,
Knackered,
Liver spotted,
(And)
Myopic,
Neuralgic,
Overdue,
Preoperative,
(And)
Queasy,
Rheumatic,
Shaky,
Tremulous,
Unviable,
(And)
Viral,
(A)
Worrywart,
Xanthochroic,
Yellow
(And)
Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 12
Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an elocutionist
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the clients
When it says Enunciate, Enunciate
ONCE I ROCKED YOUR WORLD
Once I rocked your world
And made you turn and stare
But that was a world away
Now I rock my rocking chair
CLAUDE AND MAUD
An unfortunate pair,
Claude and Maud
Spent what they
Could ill afford
And ended up
Committing fraud
So the unfortunate pair,
Claude and Maud
To avoid the law
Fled abroad
INVIGILATED
Sitting the final exam
Was quite frankly, fruitless
Trying to write with
A broken pencil is pointless
FISHY BEHAVIOUR
When fish are in schools
Their behaviour is sedate
Except of course for the days
When they take debate
BATTERY CONUNDRUM
It used to be “batteries not included”
For products small and large
Now they come with batteries
But are they free of charge?
LIVING FROM HAND TO MOUTH
She was a manicurist
He was a dentist
And when they wed
It was widely said
That they couldn’t fail
But they fight tooth and nail
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
The Love Selection # 5
WHY DOES THIS LOVE ENSURE A CONSTANT HEARTACHE?
Why does this love
Ensure a constant heartache?
Love should be a salve for your soul
Not a dagger to pierce your heart
Instead of an empathetic companion
With shared values and mutual respect
I get lies, evasion and bitter betrayal
And when my tattered heart
Lies savagely broken
There is no sympathy,
No remorse
Just a shrug and farewell
I THOUGHT THIS TIME
I thought this time
That the love was strong
Founded on solid rock
And standing on granite piles
That would weather the ages
Like a great monument
But at the first hint of storm
The granite crumbled away
And the love fell with them
I curse my poor judgment
And my lack of prudence
As once again I am alone
And my heart is broken once more
The old adage echoes in my head
“What doesn’t kill you
Makes you stronger”
But the words are as empty as my life
But I will make myself stronger
I will make myself an island
My heart will be as stone
And my resolve will be as granite
Then my heart will never break again
MOONSTRUCK
I saw her in the moonlight
Bathed by the white
Of the pale waning moon
And I was moonstruck
An angelic vision
A moonchild of the night
Smiled a knowing smile
And then she took my hand
Beneath the splendour
Of the starlit sky
I took her in my arms
And I felt her tremble
And there we stood
In the magic of the starlight,
Where we fell in love
Where we were moonstruck
A FAMILIAR PICTURE
Seeing you that first time
Was like looking at a picture
A familiar picture
A favourite, dog eared picture
Often viewed, often handled
A picture of someone special
But we had never met
Yet there you were
A familiar picture
A picture in my mind
In my heart, in my soul
A familiar stranger
Who recognizes me
I SAW YOU AND I KNEW
I saw you and I knew
That I wanted you
I held you and I knew
That I was in love with you
I kissed you and I knew
That no other would do
DON’T WE ALL FANTASIZE?
Don’t we all fantasize?
Of that perfect love
That would grace our life
A love that is so special
It would be immortalized
In the sonnets of the bard
I LOST YOU
I lost you
And at the moment
Of deaths knell
A well spring of tears
Unbridled,
Relentlessly fell
YOU TOOK ME DOWN OFF THE SHELF
You took me down off the shelf
You taught me to laugh at myself
You taught me to dance and sing
With the joy of songbirds on the wing
You taught me everything I knew
Except how to live without you
IT WAS
It was in the spring
Beneath the canopy of oak boughs
Where you kissed me for the first time
It was in the summer
In the dappled shade of the same oak
Where you said I do
It was in the autumn
Beneath the falling leaves of oak
Where you were laid to sweet repose
Now it’s winter
And the oak boughs are as empty as my life
But soon I will join you dear wife
I LOOK BACK IN SOBER REFLECTION
I look back in sober reflection
Dwelling in conceit of my perfections
Glossing over my imperfections
But over all I look back with affection
Why does this love
Ensure a constant heartache?
Love should be a salve for your soul
Not a dagger to pierce your heart
Instead of an empathetic companion
With shared values and mutual respect
I get lies, evasion and bitter betrayal
And when my tattered heart
Lies savagely broken
There is no sympathy,
No remorse
Just a shrug and farewell
I THOUGHT THIS TIME
I thought this time
That the love was strong
Founded on solid rock
And standing on granite piles
That would weather the ages
Like a great monument
But at the first hint of storm
The granite crumbled away
And the love fell with them
I curse my poor judgment
And my lack of prudence
As once again I am alone
And my heart is broken once more
The old adage echoes in my head
“What doesn’t kill you
Makes you stronger”
But the words are as empty as my life
But I will make myself stronger
I will make myself an island
My heart will be as stone
And my resolve will be as granite
Then my heart will never break again
MOONSTRUCK
I saw her in the moonlight
Bathed by the white
Of the pale waning moon
And I was moonstruck
An angelic vision
A moonchild of the night
Smiled a knowing smile
And then she took my hand
Beneath the splendour
Of the starlit sky
I took her in my arms
And I felt her tremble
And there we stood
In the magic of the starlight,
Where we fell in love
Where we were moonstruck
A FAMILIAR PICTURE
Seeing you that first time
Was like looking at a picture
A familiar picture
A favourite, dog eared picture
Often viewed, often handled
A picture of someone special
But we had never met
Yet there you were
A familiar picture
A picture in my mind
In my heart, in my soul
A familiar stranger
Who recognizes me
I SAW YOU AND I KNEW
I saw you and I knew
That I wanted you
I held you and I knew
That I was in love with you
I kissed you and I knew
That no other would do
DON’T WE ALL FANTASIZE?
Don’t we all fantasize?
Of that perfect love
That would grace our life
A love that is so special
It would be immortalized
In the sonnets of the bard
I LOST YOU
I lost you
And at the moment
Of deaths knell
A well spring of tears
Unbridled,
Relentlessly fell
YOU TOOK ME DOWN OFF THE SHELF
You took me down off the shelf
You taught me to laugh at myself
You taught me to dance and sing
With the joy of songbirds on the wing
You taught me everything I knew
Except how to live without you
IT WAS
It was in the spring
Beneath the canopy of oak boughs
Where you kissed me for the first time
It was in the summer
In the dappled shade of the same oak
Where you said I do
It was in the autumn
Beneath the falling leaves of oak
Where you were laid to sweet repose
Now it’s winter
And the oak boughs are as empty as my life
But soon I will join you dear wife
I LOOK BACK IN SOBER REFLECTION
I look back in sober reflection
Dwelling in conceit of my perfections
Glossing over my imperfections
But over all I look back with affection
A Humourous Collection # 9
SEND FOR THE UNDERTAKER
Oh God I feel so old
Just send for the undertaker
I’ve started making the same noises
As my coffee maker
SHOPPING ENCOUNTER
Their eyes met at the supermarket
She clearly recognized him
But he was drawing a blank
So a smile was exchanged between them
She decided to break the ice
And pleasantly, said "Hello!"
She obviously knew him
She was a stranger to him though
So he asked, "Do you know me?
You do look familiar” he lied
"I think you're the father
Of one of my kids." She replied,
“Are you the drunken cheerleader?
I shagged under the bleachers’”
She gave him a look and said
“No, I'm one of your son's teachers"
BIG BONED
No you don’t have “big bones”
That belief is mere folly
Let’s face it you’re just fat
It’s a shame you’re not jolly
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SICK
You have just been sick
And not just a bit
So stop pretending
And spare me the wit
It isn’t just a hiccup
With some pizza in it
BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 1
I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s crappy
Because with someone else
She might turn out to be happy
BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 2
I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s not right
At the end of the day
I stay with her out of spite
PRISONERS ARE SUCH A NUISANCE
Prisoners are such a nuisance
When they are justly contained
Because of human rights
We can’t keep them restrained
And it’s so labour intensive
To keep them all entertained
WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP
Working in a sweat shop
Is, dawn to dusk, sew-sew
Conditions are appalling
And never thought so-so
I DON’T GO ON TWITTER
I don’t go on Twitter
To follow celebrity chatter
I find them contemptible
They should rename it Twatter
CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICKEN.
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
Lay a little egg for me.
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
I want one for my tea
And this time if I don’t get one.
You’ll be dead by half past three.
So, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
They’ll be chicken for my tea
Oh God I feel so old
Just send for the undertaker
I’ve started making the same noises
As my coffee maker
SHOPPING ENCOUNTER
Their eyes met at the supermarket
She clearly recognized him
But he was drawing a blank
So a smile was exchanged between them
She decided to break the ice
And pleasantly, said "Hello!"
She obviously knew him
She was a stranger to him though
So he asked, "Do you know me?
You do look familiar” he lied
"I think you're the father
Of one of my kids." She replied,
“Are you the drunken cheerleader?
I shagged under the bleachers’”
She gave him a look and said
“No, I'm one of your son's teachers"
BIG BONED
No you don’t have “big bones”
That belief is mere folly
Let’s face it you’re just fat
It’s a shame you’re not jolly
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SICK
You have just been sick
And not just a bit
So stop pretending
And spare me the wit
It isn’t just a hiccup
With some pizza in it
BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 1
I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s crappy
Because with someone else
She might turn out to be happy
BLOODY MINDEDNESS # 2
I stay in the relationship
Even though it’s not right
At the end of the day
I stay with her out of spite
PRISONERS ARE SUCH A NUISANCE
Prisoners are such a nuisance
When they are justly contained
Because of human rights
We can’t keep them restrained
And it’s so labour intensive
To keep them all entertained
WORKING IN A SWEAT SHOP
Working in a sweat shop
Is, dawn to dusk, sew-sew
Conditions are appalling
And never thought so-so
I DON’T GO ON TWITTER
I don’t go on Twitter
To follow celebrity chatter
I find them contemptible
They should rename it Twatter
CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICKEN.
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
Lay a little egg for me.
Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
I want one for my tea
And this time if I don’t get one.
You’ll be dead by half past three.
So, chick, chick, chick, chicken,
They’ll be chicken for my tea
ARE YOU WEARING? # 16
ARE YOU WEARING THAT?
Are you wearing that?
That’s what you’re wearing?
Seriously? It’s a little brief
Oh it’s certainly daring
Will it turn any heads?
Oh yes you’ll have them staring
And if that’s all you wear
Everything will get an airing
ARE YOU WEARING A MERKIN?
Are you wearing a merkin?
I’m sorry about the smirkin’
But to be quite honest Betty
It looked better on the yeti
ARE YOU WEARING A TRENCH COAT?
Are you wearing a trench coat?
It’s certainly got my vote
Its got you wrapped up well
And not a soul could tell
That beneath its military style
You’re quite naked all the while
ARE YOU WEARING WHISKERS?
Are you wearing whiskers?
Well it’s not really workin’
And to tell you the truth
It’s really rather irkin’
It would be better all round
If you just wore a merkin
ARE YOU WEARING A HORSES HEAD?
Are you wearing a horse’s head?
Are you supposed to be PUCK?
Oh you’re running the marathon
Well aren’t you the a silly fool
ARE YOU WEARING ONE?
Are you wearing one?
Then you’ll get none
No glove
No love
Are you wearing that?
That’s what you’re wearing?
Seriously? It’s a little brief
Oh it’s certainly daring
Will it turn any heads?
Oh yes you’ll have them staring
And if that’s all you wear
Everything will get an airing
ARE YOU WEARING A MERKIN?
Are you wearing a merkin?
I’m sorry about the smirkin’
But to be quite honest Betty
It looked better on the yeti
ARE YOU WEARING A TRENCH COAT?
Are you wearing a trench coat?
It’s certainly got my vote
Its got you wrapped up well
And not a soul could tell
That beneath its military style
You’re quite naked all the while
ARE YOU WEARING WHISKERS?
Are you wearing whiskers?
Well it’s not really workin’
And to tell you the truth
It’s really rather irkin’
It would be better all round
If you just wore a merkin
ARE YOU WEARING A HORSES HEAD?
Are you wearing a horse’s head?
Are you supposed to be PUCK?
Oh you’re running the marathon
Well aren’t you the a silly fool
ARE YOU WEARING ONE?
Are you wearing one?
Then you’ll get none
No glove
No love
NATURE
SAVAGE SEA
All at sea, all at sea
In the teeth of a gale
Under a savage sky,
Black as night,
The wind blows unabated
Rain stings the flesh
And drowns the spirit.
Rolling black waves
Crash like thunder
All around us
As nature displays
Her awesome power
We pray to our Gods
Our course changed
By great waves of doom
Driving us on
Against our rudders will
To end us on a shallow reef
MOTHER NATURE DRESSED
Mother Nature dressed
In her splendorous gown
Brings forth the beauty
Of springs abundant pallet
Awakening the meadows
From winters slumber
Bathing them in sunlight
Drawing the flowers forth
THE LIGHT SPRING BREEZE PLAYED
The light spring breeze played
An enchanting wind chime symphony
But as the breeze became a gale
It soon turned to a cacophony
AFTER THE ICE STORM
After the ice storm
The world was transformed
A hushed silence had descended
And the landscape
Had change shape
Every thing had softened
The ice rimed trees
Stood like great ice pillars
In the a snow queens cathedral
Fountains cascaded no more
The waterfalls became abstract art
And fresh snow was falling
Like confetti at a winter wedding
Outside an ice sculpted church
WINTERS FURY
The wind howled around the house
And whistled through the trees
Bringing snow in blizzards
The strong winds across the rooftops
Whipped up the loose grains
And chased them like white ribbon
Across the grey slate
It wasn’t pretty snow
Nor did it present a pretty scene
Not at all picturesque
Or picture postcard
Snow was blown in horizontally
With great ferocity
And as I drew the drapes
It spattered the casement windows
I shivered and thanked God
I was safely home
SOME CRUMBS OF BREAD
Some crumbs of bread
Some bacon rind
Perhaps some nuts
Might be kind
It’s up to you
To decide what’s best
To set upon the table
For Robin red breast
THE SHARP-EYED SPARROWS
The sharp-eyed sparrows
Darting too and fro
Examine the soil
Disturbed by the hoe
Picking out a morsel
And off they go
WATERFOWL
So ungainly on the ground
Quite displeasing to the eye
But when they effortlessly
Spread their wings and fly
They perform a graceful ballet
Across the bright blue sky
THE MILLPOND WATER
The millpond water
In the sultry air
Stood eerily still
its mirrored surface
Reflected its image
In crystal clarity
So perfectly still
That the millpond water
Could have been
A looking glass
For young Alice
To enter wonderland
LIKE WIND BLOWN PETALS
Like wind blown petals
The snow fell in gentle swirls
Settling on the landscape
To delight the boys and girls
AS LENGTHENING SUMMER SHADOWS
As lengthening summer shadows
Give way to Autumnal shades
The last snows of winter
Are but a heartbeat away
INHABITING THE MARGINS
Inhabiting the margins
Of the waters edge
The waterfowl are found
Hid amongst the sedge
THE OPAQUE MISTS
The opaque mists
Blur and soften
Disguising the landscape
Hiding from sight
Until the sun warms
And burns the mist away
AS BITTER WINTER DISAPPEARS
As bitter winter disappears
The springtime cheers
As with each new flower
The season grows in power
Spring is here again
Stirring the souls of men
All at sea, all at sea
In the teeth of a gale
Under a savage sky,
Black as night,
The wind blows unabated
Rain stings the flesh
And drowns the spirit.
Rolling black waves
Crash like thunder
All around us
As nature displays
Her awesome power
We pray to our Gods
Our course changed
By great waves of doom
Driving us on
Against our rudders will
To end us on a shallow reef
MOTHER NATURE DRESSED
Mother Nature dressed
In her splendorous gown
Brings forth the beauty
Of springs abundant pallet
Awakening the meadows
From winters slumber
Bathing them in sunlight
Drawing the flowers forth
THE LIGHT SPRING BREEZE PLAYED
The light spring breeze played
An enchanting wind chime symphony
But as the breeze became a gale
It soon turned to a cacophony
AFTER THE ICE STORM
After the ice storm
The world was transformed
A hushed silence had descended
And the landscape
Had change shape
Every thing had softened
The ice rimed trees
Stood like great ice pillars
In the a snow queens cathedral
Fountains cascaded no more
The waterfalls became abstract art
And fresh snow was falling
Like confetti at a winter wedding
Outside an ice sculpted church
WINTERS FURY
The wind howled around the house
And whistled through the trees
Bringing snow in blizzards
The strong winds across the rooftops
Whipped up the loose grains
And chased them like white ribbon
Across the grey slate
It wasn’t pretty snow
Nor did it present a pretty scene
Not at all picturesque
Or picture postcard
Snow was blown in horizontally
With great ferocity
And as I drew the drapes
It spattered the casement windows
I shivered and thanked God
I was safely home
SOME CRUMBS OF BREAD
Some crumbs of bread
Some bacon rind
Perhaps some nuts
Might be kind
It’s up to you
To decide what’s best
To set upon the table
For Robin red breast
THE SHARP-EYED SPARROWS
The sharp-eyed sparrows
Darting too and fro
Examine the soil
Disturbed by the hoe
Picking out a morsel
And off they go
WATERFOWL
So ungainly on the ground
Quite displeasing to the eye
But when they effortlessly
Spread their wings and fly
They perform a graceful ballet
Across the bright blue sky
THE MILLPOND WATER
The millpond water
In the sultry air
Stood eerily still
its mirrored surface
Reflected its image
In crystal clarity
So perfectly still
That the millpond water
Could have been
A looking glass
For young Alice
To enter wonderland
LIKE WIND BLOWN PETALS
Like wind blown petals
The snow fell in gentle swirls
Settling on the landscape
To delight the boys and girls
AS LENGTHENING SUMMER SHADOWS
As lengthening summer shadows
Give way to Autumnal shades
The last snows of winter
Are but a heartbeat away
INHABITING THE MARGINS
Inhabiting the margins
Of the waters edge
The waterfowl are found
Hid amongst the sedge
THE OPAQUE MISTS
The opaque mists
Blur and soften
Disguising the landscape
Hiding from sight
Until the sun warms
And burns the mist away
AS BITTER WINTER DISAPPEARS
As bitter winter disappears
The springtime cheers
As with each new flower
The season grows in power
Spring is here again
Stirring the souls of men
The Love Selection # 4
TRUE LOVE ARRIVED
True love arrived
Like a bolt from the blue
In a chance encounter
At a place and point in time
Someway distant
From that which they should
Separately have occupied
But the fates conspired
A serendipitous event
To bring them, unwillingly,
To that blessed point
Of momentary symmetry
When they glimpsed
Their separate histories
And shared future
THEY WALKED IN SILENCE
They walked in silence
Two halves of a whole
Palm against palm
Soul against soul
IN THE ELASTIC TIME OF DREAMS
In the elastic time of dreams
Where exists a cast of thousands
The impossible is possible
Logic ceases to exist
The living walk with the dead
Rivers flow upstream
The sky is green
The grass is blue
So why with all the infinite possibilities
Of my timeless dreams
Do I only dream of you?
ARROWS DOTH FLY FROM CUPIDS BOW
Arrows doth fly from cupids bow
And an enchanted cascade of arrows
Lays the unsuspecting lover low
Who then his heart he must bestow
HELD IN A CASTLE KEEP
A woman's love
Held in a castle keep
In a prison tower
Where passion cools
And time dims desire
She waits in her prison
And dreams of a knight
Who will release her bonds
Rekindling the fire
And returning her to the world
SWEET LYRICS OF AFFECTION
You whispered words of love
Sweet lyrics of affection
Their sublime sound caressed me
Like a summer breeze
Refreshing sultry skin
Each fresh loving word
Mesmerized me anew
And I knew my heart was lost
And I knew that I was found
YOU BLEW SOFT BREATH
You blew soft breath
On the embers of my memory
And breathed new life into me
Resuscitating a redundant heart
Until I unlearned how to fear
I unlearned how to doubt
I unlearned how to exist
Then I felt the warmth of the sun
Once more on my face
I felt the transformation
From loneliness to loved
RISK
If you wish to achieve
The greatest love
It involves taking a risk
And like achieving
The greatest of goals
Sometimes it means a great risk
But nothing worth having
Comes easy or risk free
I MUST READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
I must read between the lines.
To find the reasons why
So when you say, "I'm sorry",
Look me in the eye
So that I might know
If I caught you in a lie
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Why in every disagreement
From the first to the last
You don’t stay in the present
You rake up the past
I always fight fair
I nail my colours to the mast
Then your name-calling
Leaves me aghast
True love arrived
Like a bolt from the blue
In a chance encounter
At a place and point in time
Someway distant
From that which they should
Separately have occupied
But the fates conspired
A serendipitous event
To bring them, unwillingly,
To that blessed point
Of momentary symmetry
When they glimpsed
Their separate histories
And shared future
THEY WALKED IN SILENCE
They walked in silence
Two halves of a whole
Palm against palm
Soul against soul
IN THE ELASTIC TIME OF DREAMS
In the elastic time of dreams
Where exists a cast of thousands
The impossible is possible
Logic ceases to exist
The living walk with the dead
Rivers flow upstream
The sky is green
The grass is blue
So why with all the infinite possibilities
Of my timeless dreams
Do I only dream of you?
ARROWS DOTH FLY FROM CUPIDS BOW
Arrows doth fly from cupids bow
And an enchanted cascade of arrows
Lays the unsuspecting lover low
Who then his heart he must bestow
HELD IN A CASTLE KEEP
A woman's love
Held in a castle keep
In a prison tower
Where passion cools
And time dims desire
She waits in her prison
And dreams of a knight
Who will release her bonds
Rekindling the fire
And returning her to the world
SWEET LYRICS OF AFFECTION
You whispered words of love
Sweet lyrics of affection
Their sublime sound caressed me
Like a summer breeze
Refreshing sultry skin
Each fresh loving word
Mesmerized me anew
And I knew my heart was lost
And I knew that I was found
YOU BLEW SOFT BREATH
You blew soft breath
On the embers of my memory
And breathed new life into me
Resuscitating a redundant heart
Until I unlearned how to fear
I unlearned how to doubt
I unlearned how to exist
Then I felt the warmth of the sun
Once more on my face
I felt the transformation
From loneliness to loved
RISK
If you wish to achieve
The greatest love
It involves taking a risk
And like achieving
The greatest of goals
Sometimes it means a great risk
But nothing worth having
Comes easy or risk free
I MUST READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
I must read between the lines.
To find the reasons why
So when you say, "I'm sorry",
Look me in the eye
So that I might know
If I caught you in a lie
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Why in every disagreement
From the first to the last
You don’t stay in the present
You rake up the past
I always fight fair
I nail my colours to the mast
Then your name-calling
Leaves me aghast
A Humourous Collection # 8
IF YOU SHOULD FIND
If you should find
Three hand grenades one day
Take them to a police station
And should one explode on the way
You can tell the police
You only found two anyway
I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY
I’m ready for a holiday
With blue skies and sand and sea
But so my wife doesn’t get pregnant
I’m taking her with me
MATERNAL ABSTINENCE
My mum never touches strong drink
Which is her defensive buffering
Though not on religious grounds
It would interferes with her suffering
MATERNAL QUALIFICATIONS
Mum should be a parole officer
Because in her defence
With her around
No one finishes a sentence
SHOPPING ASSISTANCE
I went into an electrical shop
And could find no one to assist
I got angrier and angrier
Until finally I couldn’t resist
“Can someone sell me a toaster”
I shouted in a frustrated tiz
A female assistant said “Kenwood?”
I took a deep breath and responded
“Let me explain something Ms
I just want someone to sell me a toaster
I don’t care what his name is”
FROZEN WINDOWS
Bimbette texted Peaches "Windows
@ home, frozen - what should I do?"
Peaches texted back “use some de-icer
Or boiling water will probably do”
Bimbette “OK, computer went bang
And lights have fused too"
CAR DEAL
After passing his driving test, a teenage boy,
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“If you do better at school than you have so far,
Go to church every Sunday without fail
And get a haircut. I will buy you a car”
After a few months had passed the boy
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“Well you have improved at school by far
And you’ve gone to church every Sunday
But you still need a hair cut, so no car”
The boy replied, “Since going to church
I have learned a very great deal so far
Samson, John the Baptist, Moses and Jesus
All had long hair, so we are on a par"
Dad smiled and said, “They may all have had
Long hair but none of them had a car”
THE END OF ROMANCE
I knew the very moment that
The romance had died, it was after
I drank from my wife’s slipper
And almost choked on a corn plaster
SENIOR REVELATION
One day you look in the mirror
And beneath the lathers
You realize that the face
You are shaving is your fathers
THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE
Rather than eating chicken soup
Just laugh a little every day
It’s much more beneficial
Well that’s what the chickens say
If you should find
Three hand grenades one day
Take them to a police station
And should one explode on the way
You can tell the police
You only found two anyway
I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY
I’m ready for a holiday
With blue skies and sand and sea
But so my wife doesn’t get pregnant
I’m taking her with me
MATERNAL ABSTINENCE
My mum never touches strong drink
Which is her defensive buffering
Though not on religious grounds
It would interferes with her suffering
MATERNAL QUALIFICATIONS
Mum should be a parole officer
Because in her defence
With her around
No one finishes a sentence
SHOPPING ASSISTANCE
I went into an electrical shop
And could find no one to assist
I got angrier and angrier
Until finally I couldn’t resist
“Can someone sell me a toaster”
I shouted in a frustrated tiz
A female assistant said “Kenwood?”
I took a deep breath and responded
“Let me explain something Ms
I just want someone to sell me a toaster
I don’t care what his name is”
FROZEN WINDOWS
Bimbette texted Peaches "Windows
@ home, frozen - what should I do?"
Peaches texted back “use some de-icer
Or boiling water will probably do”
Bimbette “OK, computer went bang
And lights have fused too"
CAR DEAL
After passing his driving test, a teenage boy,
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“If you do better at school than you have so far,
Go to church every Sunday without fail
And get a haircut. I will buy you a car”
After a few months had passed the boy
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“Well you have improved at school by far
And you’ve gone to church every Sunday
But you still need a hair cut, so no car”
The boy replied, “Since going to church
I have learned a very great deal so far
Samson, John the Baptist, Moses and Jesus
All had long hair, so we are on a par"
Dad smiled and said, “They may all have had
Long hair but none of them had a car”
THE END OF ROMANCE
I knew the very moment that
The romance had died, it was after
I drank from my wife’s slipper
And almost choked on a corn plaster
SENIOR REVELATION
One day you look in the mirror
And beneath the lathers
You realize that the face
You are shaving is your fathers
THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE
Rather than eating chicken soup
Just laugh a little every day
It’s much more beneficial
Well that’s what the chickens say
ARE YOU WEARING? # 15
ARE YOU WEARING A TEN GALLON HAT?
Are you wearing a ten gallon hat?
Well no there’s nothing wrong with that
And after all it does have to be said
You do have a ten gallon head
ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTGOWN?
Are you wearing a nightgown?
A subtle shade of light brown
You look sad in your nightgown
You even have a slight frown
Let me grab your nightgown
A subtle shade of light brown
And pull it quickly right down
And I’ll remove that slight frown
ARE YOU WEARING CHAPS?
Are you wearing chaps?
And that perfectly fine of course
Apart from the one little fact
That you can’t ride a horse
ARE YOU WEARING DUNGAREES?
Are you wearing dungarees?
I think they are really nice
You should wear them more often
That would be my advice
Because I can strip you down
To your Knicks in a trice
ARE YOU WEARING A HAIRNET?
Are you wearing a hairnet?
You work at a baker’s shop I bet
I have a favourite Bakery
Where i find my favourite pastry
I particularly love baps and buns
The baker’s daughter has nice ones
ARE YOU WEARING A SHOCKED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a shocked expression?
Well that’s certainly the impression
But it’s never as bad as it seems
“You’ve just seen the girl of your dreams?”
“In which case you have my sympathy
Because I’ve had dreams like that you see”
ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER?
Are you wearing glitter?
On your down below
You’re all blinged up
Where only I should go
Your vajayjay been vagazzled
You’ve decked your minge
It looks like a disco ball
You might as well say blinge
ARE YOU WEARING THIS?
Are you wearing this?
What could be wrong?
Absolutely nothing
In fact nothing sums it up
There’s nothing to it
It covers nothing
And it leaves nothing
To the imagination
ARE YOU WEARING THIS AND THAT?
Are you wearing this and that?
A Purple and Chartreuse fleece
With sky blue corduroy flares
Watch out for the fashion police
ARE YOU WEARING THIS OR THAT?
Are you wearing this or that?
They both look really very nice
And you’ve tried on everything
In your wardrobes, twice
What’s wrong with looking nice?
I think they both look alright
I know you would prefer stunning
I would prefer to get there tonight
Are you wearing a ten gallon hat?
Well no there’s nothing wrong with that
And after all it does have to be said
You do have a ten gallon head
ARE YOU WEARING A NIGHTGOWN?
Are you wearing a nightgown?
A subtle shade of light brown
You look sad in your nightgown
You even have a slight frown
Let me grab your nightgown
A subtle shade of light brown
And pull it quickly right down
And I’ll remove that slight frown
ARE YOU WEARING CHAPS?
Are you wearing chaps?
And that perfectly fine of course
Apart from the one little fact
That you can’t ride a horse
ARE YOU WEARING DUNGAREES?
Are you wearing dungarees?
I think they are really nice
You should wear them more often
That would be my advice
Because I can strip you down
To your Knicks in a trice
ARE YOU WEARING A HAIRNET?
Are you wearing a hairnet?
You work at a baker’s shop I bet
I have a favourite Bakery
Where i find my favourite pastry
I particularly love baps and buns
The baker’s daughter has nice ones
ARE YOU WEARING A SHOCKED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a shocked expression?
Well that’s certainly the impression
But it’s never as bad as it seems
“You’ve just seen the girl of your dreams?”
“In which case you have my sympathy
Because I’ve had dreams like that you see”
ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER?
Are you wearing glitter?
On your down below
You’re all blinged up
Where only I should go
Your vajayjay been vagazzled
You’ve decked your minge
It looks like a disco ball
You might as well say blinge
ARE YOU WEARING THIS?
Are you wearing this?
What could be wrong?
Absolutely nothing
In fact nothing sums it up
There’s nothing to it
It covers nothing
And it leaves nothing
To the imagination
ARE YOU WEARING THIS AND THAT?
Are you wearing this and that?
A Purple and Chartreuse fleece
With sky blue corduroy flares
Watch out for the fashion police
ARE YOU WEARING THIS OR THAT?
Are you wearing this or that?
They both look really very nice
And you’ve tried on everything
In your wardrobes, twice
What’s wrong with looking nice?
I think they both look alright
I know you would prefer stunning
I would prefer to get there tonight
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 259
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Guard the bed that I lie on:
Four corners to my bed
Four angels round my head,
One to watch and one to pray
And two to bear my soul away
This is comforting you may say
But look at it another way
With angels round my bed
And lustful thoughts in my head
I can’t seem to find a way
That I can get my end away
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 260
Says the little girl to the little boy,
"What shall we do?"
“I could play with your little toy”?
“That we could do”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 261
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"What shall we do?"
“Could I play among your curls”?
“That we could do”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 262
Tom he was a piper's son,
He learned to play when he was young,
But of all the things that he could play
He was happiest at his drum array
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 263
Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Were walking out one Sunday;
Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Walked to the woods this one day
And Tommy Snooks to Bessie Brooks,
Had something of a fun day
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 264
If Candlemas day
Be dry and fair
Will anyone
Actually care?
Candlemas day (February 2nd)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 265
If Candlemas day
Be wet and foul
Then we all will wear
The usual scowl
Candlemas day (February 2nd)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 266
If St Paul's day
Be fair and clear
Then Wimbledon
Will be good this year
And strawberries will
Sell well my dear
St Paul's day (June 29th)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 267
Bless you, bless you, bonny bee:
Say, when will your wedding be?
I’m only interested I should say
So we can all come and ruin your day
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 268
There was a man lived in the moon,
And it was in July, And not in June
When the man who lived in the moon,
Found the Americans had come
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 269
A carrion crow sat on an oak,
A gallows tree, for a carrion crow,
“Soon I’m going to eat that bloke”
Said the carrion crow sat on the oak,
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 270
A Little Cock Sparrow
Sat on a tree,
Until a sparrow hawk
Ate him for his tea
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 271
There was an Old Woman lived under a hill
There was an old woman
Lived under a hill,
Now she has died
And there she lies still
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 272
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a ram
But he was too light on his feet
So wasn’t worth a damn
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 273
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Luckily he didn’t end up in bits
Because he was so off his tits
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 274
Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall
No one actually saw it at all
And he can’t say what the truth is
Because he’s totally gone to pieces
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 275
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the Kings horses and all the Kings men
Never saw Humpty Dumpty again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 276
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Reading a copy of “Jugs”
Not a classy read
He did willingly concede
But it gave him a couple of tugs
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
Guard the bed that I lie on:
Four corners to my bed
Four angels round my head,
One to watch and one to pray
And two to bear my soul away
This is comforting you may say
But look at it another way
With angels round my bed
And lustful thoughts in my head
I can’t seem to find a way
That I can get my end away
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 260
Says the little girl to the little boy,
"What shall we do?"
“I could play with your little toy”?
“That we could do”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 261
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"What shall we do?"
“Could I play among your curls”?
“That we could do”
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 262
Tom he was a piper's son,
He learned to play when he was young,
But of all the things that he could play
He was happiest at his drum array
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 263
Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Were walking out one Sunday;
Tommy Snooks and Bessie Brooks
Walked to the woods this one day
And Tommy Snooks to Bessie Brooks,
Had something of a fun day
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 264
If Candlemas day
Be dry and fair
Will anyone
Actually care?
Candlemas day (February 2nd)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 265
If Candlemas day
Be wet and foul
Then we all will wear
The usual scowl
Candlemas day (February 2nd)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 266
If St Paul's day
Be fair and clear
Then Wimbledon
Will be good this year
And strawberries will
Sell well my dear
St Paul's day (June 29th)
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 267
Bless you, bless you, bonny bee:
Say, when will your wedding be?
I’m only interested I should say
So we can all come and ruin your day
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 268
There was a man lived in the moon,
And it was in July, And not in June
When the man who lived in the moon,
Found the Americans had come
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 269
A carrion crow sat on an oak,
A gallows tree, for a carrion crow,
“Soon I’m going to eat that bloke”
Said the carrion crow sat on the oak,
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 270
A Little Cock Sparrow
Sat on a tree,
Until a sparrow hawk
Ate him for his tea
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 271
There was an Old Woman lived under a hill
There was an old woman
Lived under a hill,
Now she has died
And there she lies still
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 272
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a ram
But he was too light on his feet
So wasn’t worth a damn
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 273
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Luckily he didn’t end up in bits
Because he was so off his tits
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 274
Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall
No one actually saw it at all
And he can’t say what the truth is
Because he’s totally gone to pieces
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 275
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the Kings horses and all the Kings men
Never saw Humpty Dumpty again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 276
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Reading a copy of “Jugs”
Not a classy read
He did willingly concede
But it gave him a couple of tugs
Thursday, 5 April 2012
EASTER
EASTER LILY
The Easter Lily
Blooms in the spring
The large white flower
Is beautiful thing
Its trumpet-shape
Says let spring begin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 254
Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
In January,
In January,
Hot cross buns!
If Tesco don’t have them,
Go to Morrison’s
They have many
They have many
Hot Cross Buns!
CRUCIFIX
You were the love
Of the world
And we nailed you to a cross
We tried to kill love
With nail in hand
And spear in flesh
But we failed
You pleaded for us
Apologised for us
Then you died for us
You’re the love
Of the world
EASTER CACTUS
The Easter cactus
The spring-bloomer
It’s jointed flat Segments
Look like experiments
Made by a young boy
With a construction set toy
But the coral-red flowers
Light up the spring hours
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 255
The Easter Bunny's feet
Go hop, hop, hop.
I want to eat the bunny
I can’t stop, stop, stop.
So I chase him with an axe
Going chop, chop, chop.
EASTER PARADE
In your Easter Bonnet
With all the frills upon it,
You’re never going to wear it?
In the Easter parade.
We’ll all be falling over
As your sitting in your Rover
Coz you’ll be the biggest Charlie
In the Easter parade.
VIA DOLOROSA
The path that Jesus walked
Carrying his cross with him
Was the Via Dolorosa
In the old city of Jerusalem
It was the way of sorrows
The way of grief
The way of suffering
For his life so brief
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 256
We didn't hear the Easter bunny
Hopping down the hall;
He hopped so very quietly,
He made no noise at all!
So we rigged up a trip wire
That he didn’t see at all
ON A HILL IN CALVARY
On a hill in Calvary
In a savage unenlightened time
Nailed upon a rugged cross
By brutal hand
They thought to kill a man
To snuff out his light
That light of purest love
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
The shadow of that cross
Cast upon the bloody land
Was an illuminating shadow
That spread light and love
Shining across millennia
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
In that savage unenlightened time
Murdered by brutal hand
Humiliated, dehumanized
But through his love for us
And his sacrifice for us
He redeemed us
EASTER BUNNY
About the Easter bunny
I think it’s really funny
That a big white rabbit
Is in the unusual habit
Of delivering Easter eggs
On his funny rabbit legs
I think it must change
And we must rearrange
So for delivering at any rate
Eggs made of chocolate
Employ a chocolate chicken
That’s what I reckon
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 257
Mr Bunny, Mr Bunny,
Won't you stop, stop, stop?
"No," said Mr Bunny,
I must hop, hop, hop.
So I shot the little bastard
EASTER LILY VINE
The Easter Lily vine
Likes to entwine
This woody Evergreen
With leaves of glossy sheen
The flowers are a showy sight
Of trumpet-shaped fragrant white
EASTER EGG HUNT
When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 258
Bunnies are brown,
Bunnies are white,
Bunnies at Easter
Are a chocolate delight
THE SHADOW OF GOLGOTHA
Our lord beaten and bloody
Sent to die like a criminal
To add insult upon injury
Atop his tousled curls
Was set a thorny crown
Pressed into his scalp
He carried his cross
Upon his bloodied back
Through narrow streets
To the baying of the crowds
Then onto the hill of Calvary
Where the prince of peace
Was nailed to his cross of pain
And dealt the final blow
His side pierced by a spear
His earthly life ebbing away
Through the open wound
He called out to God
But not for vengeance
He asked that they be forgiven
And his cross of pain
Cast a Holy shadow
Across the world
That reached every corner
But the shadow cast
Was not one of darkness
But one of light
A divine light
The light of love
Which still shines today
For it is the eternal light of God
EASTER DAISY
The Easter daisy
A dwarf tufted stem-less herb
A rosette of woolly leaves
Its roundness is quite superb
And the large white-rayed bloom
Is the daisies Easter costume
The Easter Lily
Blooms in the spring
The large white flower
Is beautiful thing
Its trumpet-shape
Says let spring begin
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 254
Hot cross buns!
Hot cross buns!
In January,
In January,
Hot cross buns!
If Tesco don’t have them,
Go to Morrison’s
They have many
They have many
Hot Cross Buns!
CRUCIFIX
You were the love
Of the world
And we nailed you to a cross
We tried to kill love
With nail in hand
And spear in flesh
But we failed
You pleaded for us
Apologised for us
Then you died for us
You’re the love
Of the world
EASTER CACTUS
The Easter cactus
The spring-bloomer
It’s jointed flat Segments
Look like experiments
Made by a young boy
With a construction set toy
But the coral-red flowers
Light up the spring hours
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 255
The Easter Bunny's feet
Go hop, hop, hop.
I want to eat the bunny
I can’t stop, stop, stop.
So I chase him with an axe
Going chop, chop, chop.
EASTER PARADE
In your Easter Bonnet
With all the frills upon it,
You’re never going to wear it?
In the Easter parade.
We’ll all be falling over
As your sitting in your Rover
Coz you’ll be the biggest Charlie
In the Easter parade.
VIA DOLOROSA
The path that Jesus walked
Carrying his cross with him
Was the Via Dolorosa
In the old city of Jerusalem
It was the way of sorrows
The way of grief
The way of suffering
For his life so brief
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 256
We didn't hear the Easter bunny
Hopping down the hall;
He hopped so very quietly,
He made no noise at all!
So we rigged up a trip wire
That he didn’t see at all
ON A HILL IN CALVARY
On a hill in Calvary
In a savage unenlightened time
Nailed upon a rugged cross
By brutal hand
They thought to kill a man
To snuff out his light
That light of purest love
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
The shadow of that cross
Cast upon the bloody land
Was an illuminating shadow
That spread light and love
Shining across millennia
Unquenchable, indestructible
On that hill in Calvary
He died for us
In that savage unenlightened time
Murdered by brutal hand
Humiliated, dehumanized
But through his love for us
And his sacrifice for us
He redeemed us
EASTER BUNNY
About the Easter bunny
I think it’s really funny
That a big white rabbit
Is in the unusual habit
Of delivering Easter eggs
On his funny rabbit legs
I think it must change
And we must rearrange
So for delivering at any rate
Eggs made of chocolate
Employ a chocolate chicken
That’s what I reckon
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 257
Mr Bunny, Mr Bunny,
Won't you stop, stop, stop?
"No," said Mr Bunny,
I must hop, hop, hop.
So I shot the little bastard
EASTER LILY VINE
The Easter Lily vine
Likes to entwine
This woody Evergreen
With leaves of glossy sheen
The flowers are a showy sight
Of trumpet-shaped fragrant white
EASTER EGG HUNT
When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 258
Bunnies are brown,
Bunnies are white,
Bunnies at Easter
Are a chocolate delight
THE SHADOW OF GOLGOTHA
Our lord beaten and bloody
Sent to die like a criminal
To add insult upon injury
Atop his tousled curls
Was set a thorny crown
Pressed into his scalp
He carried his cross
Upon his bloodied back
Through narrow streets
To the baying of the crowds
Then onto the hill of Calvary
Where the prince of peace
Was nailed to his cross of pain
And dealt the final blow
His side pierced by a spear
His earthly life ebbing away
Through the open wound
He called out to God
But not for vengeance
He asked that they be forgiven
And his cross of pain
Cast a Holy shadow
Across the world
That reached every corner
But the shadow cast
Was not one of darkness
But one of light
A divine light
The light of love
Which still shines today
For it is the eternal light of God
EASTER DAISY
The Easter daisy
A dwarf tufted stem-less herb
A rosette of woolly leaves
Its roundness is quite superb
And the large white-rayed bloom
Is the daisies Easter costume
ARE YOU WEARING FOR EASTER
ARE YOU WEARING ANY DRAWERS?
Are you wearing any drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Even if you have an excuse
It still makes you look loose
And its still very low rent
If you’ve given them up for lent
ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?
Are you wearing bunny ears?
They have an ability to regale
But to be quite honest
I’m more interested in your tail
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing Easter stockings?
Beneath your long spring coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Easter
For a certain horny old goat
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER GARTERS?
Are you wearing Easter garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Easter garters?
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKS?
Are you wearing Easter knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Easter knickers
What wonderful springtime fare
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER BONNET?
Are you wearing an Easter bonnet?
With pretty flowers upon it
What I lovely sight to behold
It must be tiresome to be told
So let me write a pretty sonnet
For the girl in the Easter bonnet
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER DRAWERS?
Are you wearing Easter drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
What goes thru your head Meg
We’re not hiding that kind of egg
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER HOSIERY?
Are you wearing Easter hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKERS?
Are you wearing Easter knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Easter bunny
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 1
Are you wearing Easter tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with an Easter egg motif
What an egg hunt this will be
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 2
Are you wearing Easter tights?
Adorned with a appropriate motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with an Easter motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS? # 2
Are you wearing Easter stockings?
With a bunny rabbit motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each relief
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the special Easter gift
Beyond the bunny rabbit motif
Are you wearing any drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Even if you have an excuse
It still makes you look loose
And its still very low rent
If you’ve given them up for lent
ARE YOU WEARING BUNNY EARS?
Are you wearing bunny ears?
They have an ability to regale
But to be quite honest
I’m more interested in your tail
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing Easter stockings?
Beneath your long spring coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Easter
For a certain horny old goat
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER GARTERS?
Are you wearing Easter garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Easter garters?
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKS?
Are you wearing Easter knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Easter knickers
What wonderful springtime fare
ARE YOU WEARING AN EASTER BONNET?
Are you wearing an Easter bonnet?
With pretty flowers upon it
What I lovely sight to behold
It must be tiresome to be told
So let me write a pretty sonnet
For the girl in the Easter bonnet
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER DRAWERS?
Are you wearing Easter drawers?
I would like a look at yours
I bet a pound to a penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at last
You are as I thought bare arsed
Of course it makes you look loose
Even if you have an excuse
What goes thru your head Meg
We’re not hiding that kind of egg
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER HOSIERY?
Are you wearing Easter hosiery?
Phwor are you going to let me see
Oh how they cling to the shape of you
I would like to cling to them too
Oh yes I like them very much
Perhaps I might have a touch
Oh you are a proper tease
Would you let me if I said please?
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER KNICKERS?
Are you wearing Easter knickers?
Is that appropriate for vicars
Just kneel upon this hassock
While I rummage in your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t think it funny
My naughty little Easter bunny
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 1
Are you wearing Easter tights?
Oh how they are exciting me
Adorned with an Easter egg motif
What an egg hunt this will be
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER TIGHTS? # 2
Are you wearing Easter tights?
Adorned with a appropriate motif
Well if those long festive limbs
Decorated with an Easter motif
Were to entwine about me
Then my resistant would be brief
ARE YOU WEARING EASTER STOCKINGS? # 2
Are you wearing Easter stockings?
With a bunny rabbit motif
Along those long festive garlands
How I wish to trace each relief
Along each luscious limber leg
An ascent exquisitely brief
To reach the special Easter gift
Beyond the bunny rabbit motif
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
ARE YOU WEARING? # 14
ARE YOU WEARING PRIESTLY GARMENTS?
Are you wearing priestly garments?
How good you look in your vestments
Can you share any indiscretions?
That you hear during confessions
Oh what a shame you cannot share
I would like to be a fly in there
But what torture it must truly be
Having taken a vow of celibacy
And denying yourself the pleasures,
Of plundering earthly treasures
Only to sit each day in confessions
Listening to others sinful discretions
ARE YOU WEARING PROTECTION?
Are you wearing protection?
It may have been a wise selection
Not that I’m some kind of Lolita
It’s just that I’m a messy eater
ARE YOU WEARING A SOMBRERO?
Are you wearing a sombrero?
Have you been somewhere in the sun?
I was told you were in Cahoots
I didn’t believe it for a second hon.
I told them you can’t go there alone
You have to be there with someone.
ARE YOU WEARING A PITH HELMET
Are you wearing a pith helmet?
Oh the great white hunter yet
But that’s just a pose you strike
Great white tin opener more like
ARE YOU WEARING SUNNIES?
Are you wearing sunnie’s?
Oh dear you do look funny
I almost didn’t recognize you honey
You’re spending the week incognito?
Oh how lovely I’ve always wanted to go
But no one recognizes you though
ARE YOU WEARING A SCARY SCOWL?
Are you wearing a scary scowl?
And now you’re doing the growl
Am I supposed to throw in the towel?
You evil troll you cause me no fear
Back to your bridge do you hear
Your powers are useless here
ARE YOU WEARING CRUSHED VELVET?
Are you wearing crushed velvet?
Our curtains are a similar shade of anisette
I would like to be amidst the folds of velvet
Could I have a peak beneath the pelmet?
ARE YOU WEARING A GRIN?
Are you wearing a grin?
Oh you’re playing stupid agin
And why not you do always win
ARE YOU WEARING FRUIT?
Are you wearing fruit?
It doesn’t really suit
And there is a lesson
In there though my son
Never let 3 year old Joe?
Hold a ripe tomato
ARE YOU WEARING A SHORTY NIGHTIE?
Are you wearing a Shorty nightie?
No you don’t look at all flighty
You’re my goddess of love Aphrodite
And my desire for you is mighty
So lay back and think of blighty
Are you wearing priestly garments?
How good you look in your vestments
Can you share any indiscretions?
That you hear during confessions
Oh what a shame you cannot share
I would like to be a fly in there
But what torture it must truly be
Having taken a vow of celibacy
And denying yourself the pleasures,
Of plundering earthly treasures
Only to sit each day in confessions
Listening to others sinful discretions
ARE YOU WEARING PROTECTION?
Are you wearing protection?
It may have been a wise selection
Not that I’m some kind of Lolita
It’s just that I’m a messy eater
ARE YOU WEARING A SOMBRERO?
Are you wearing a sombrero?
Have you been somewhere in the sun?
I was told you were in Cahoots
I didn’t believe it for a second hon.
I told them you can’t go there alone
You have to be there with someone.
ARE YOU WEARING A PITH HELMET
Are you wearing a pith helmet?
Oh the great white hunter yet
But that’s just a pose you strike
Great white tin opener more like
ARE YOU WEARING SUNNIES?
Are you wearing sunnie’s?
Oh dear you do look funny
I almost didn’t recognize you honey
You’re spending the week incognito?
Oh how lovely I’ve always wanted to go
But no one recognizes you though
ARE YOU WEARING A SCARY SCOWL?
Are you wearing a scary scowl?
And now you’re doing the growl
Am I supposed to throw in the towel?
You evil troll you cause me no fear
Back to your bridge do you hear
Your powers are useless here
ARE YOU WEARING CRUSHED VELVET?
Are you wearing crushed velvet?
Our curtains are a similar shade of anisette
I would like to be amidst the folds of velvet
Could I have a peak beneath the pelmet?
ARE YOU WEARING A GRIN?
Are you wearing a grin?
Oh you’re playing stupid agin
And why not you do always win
ARE YOU WEARING FRUIT?
Are you wearing fruit?
It doesn’t really suit
And there is a lesson
In there though my son
Never let 3 year old Joe?
Hold a ripe tomato
ARE YOU WEARING A SHORTY NIGHTIE?
Are you wearing a Shorty nightie?
No you don’t look at all flighty
You’re my goddess of love Aphrodite
And my desire for you is mighty
So lay back and think of blighty
A Humourous Selection # 7
I’M A GRADUATE OF YALE
I’m a graduate of Yale
A name you can trust
Though I am not elitist
I can still do Chubb if I must
EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 2
The special theory of relativity
So I was led to believe
Meant if you went with a 2nd cousin
She could safely conceive
THE PRICE OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS
The price of beauty products
Have gone through the roof
What a rip off they really are
Try waxing strips if you need proof
THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP
The local Am-Dram group
Is presenting Hamlet presently
And sadly I have been invited
To attend this particular tragedy
THE TENNIS SWING
The dour Scot lost the first two sets
And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet
But the plucky Brit fought back to level
Only for the Scot to return in the final set
I’m a graduate of Yale
A name you can trust
Though I am not elitist
I can still do Chubb if I must
EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 2
The special theory of relativity
So I was led to believe
Meant if you went with a 2nd cousin
She could safely conceive
THE PRICE OF BEAUTY PRODUCTS
The price of beauty products
Have gone through the roof
What a rip off they really are
Try waxing strips if you need proof
THE LOCAL AM-DRAM GROUP
The local Am-Dram group
Is presenting Hamlet presently
And sadly I have been invited
To attend this particular tragedy
THE TENNIS SWING
The dour Scot lost the first two sets
And the outcome looked a pretty safe bet
But the plucky Brit fought back to level
Only for the Scot to return in the final set
ARE YOU WEARING? # 13
ARE YOU WEARING A RUBBER?
Are you wearing a rubber?
That’s jumping the gun in my opinion
What do you mean you’re not wearing one?
Well I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option
Oh you’re not wearing one at the moment
So you have some kind of skin condition
ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?
Are you wearing a cross?
So are you a regular church goer then?
No I really don’t think it counts
Having sex in the cemetery now and again
ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?
Are you wearing steak?
A pork chop? Ok my mistake
Oh your eye is very swollen
What happened to you then?
You went to the shop for steak
But bought chops, ok your mistake
ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?
Are you wearing winter underwear?
I’m thinking as you stand there
Are you clad in body formers?
Proper cozy winter warmers
Substantial Bloomers for outdoors
A sturdy pair of winter drawers
I may never know for sure
But with my thoughts impure
I’m content as you stand there
In your cozy winter underwear
ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?
Are you wearing a top hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
You’re trying to look taller?
A philosophy a wise man heeds
Is that a man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds
ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?
Are you wearing lip-gloss?
No you’re not, you cow
You were when you went out
So who’s wearing it now?
ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?
Are you wearing pince-nez?
Don’t they pinch a bit?
They look a little uncomfortable
But with your image they fit
That looks an impressive book
A rather weighty tome isn’t it?
It will make you look good
If you die half way through it
ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?
Are you wearing a pinny?
And why exactly are you wearing it?
You said “A mans home is his castle”
And she said “Then you can clean it”
ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?
Are you wearing a bustle?
Well who am I to condemn
I suppose everyone seems normal
Until you get to know them
ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?
Are you wearing handcuffs?
What have you been arrested for?
You saw a dress in the shop window
And it was cheaper than before
So you decided to try it on
And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?
Trying on a dress in the shop window?
You tried it on in the window of the store
Are you wearing a rubber?
That’s jumping the gun in my opinion
What do you mean you’re not wearing one?
Well I’ll tell you, now bare back is not an option
Oh you’re not wearing one at the moment
So you have some kind of skin condition
ARE YOU WEARING A CROSS?
Are you wearing a cross?
So are you a regular church goer then?
No I really don’t think it counts
Having sex in the cemetery now and again
ARE YOU WEARING STEAK?
Are you wearing steak?
A pork chop? Ok my mistake
Oh your eye is very swollen
What happened to you then?
You went to the shop for steak
But bought chops, ok your mistake
ARE YOU WEARING WINTER UNDERWEAR?
Are you wearing winter underwear?
I’m thinking as you stand there
Are you clad in body formers?
Proper cozy winter warmers
Substantial Bloomers for outdoors
A sturdy pair of winter drawers
I may never know for sure
But with my thoughts impure
I’m content as you stand there
In your cozy winter underwear
ARE YOU WEARING A TOP HAT?
Are you wearing a top hat?
Its height certainly exceeds
You’re trying to look taller?
A philosophy a wise man heeds
Is that a man is only as tall
As the sum of his deeds
ARE YOU WEARING LIP-GLOSS?
Are you wearing lip-gloss?
No you’re not, you cow
You were when you went out
So who’s wearing it now?
ARE YOU WEARING PINCE-NEZ?
Are you wearing pince-nez?
Don’t they pinch a bit?
They look a little uncomfortable
But with your image they fit
That looks an impressive book
A rather weighty tome isn’t it?
It will make you look good
If you die half way through it
ARE YOU WEARING A PINNY?
Are you wearing a pinny?
And why exactly are you wearing it?
You said “A mans home is his castle”
And she said “Then you can clean it”
ARE YOU WEARING A BUSTLE?
Are you wearing a bustle?
Well who am I to condemn
I suppose everyone seems normal
Until you get to know them
ARE YOU WEARING HANDCUFFS?
Are you wearing handcuffs?
What have you been arrested for?
You saw a dress in the shop window
And it was cheaper than before
So you decided to try it on
And that’s what you’ve been arrested for?
Trying on a dress in the shop window?
You tried it on in the window of the store
Monday, 19 March 2012
ARE YOU WEARING? # 12
ARE YOU WEARING A SPORRAN?
Are you wearing a sporran?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit
ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE?
Are you wearing a codpiece?
No, no you don’t look like a wally
And when it stops raining you’ll have
Somewhere to hang your brolley
ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?
Are you wearing a tiara?
Sparkling with jewels no less
Oh sweet little Essex girl
Daddies little princess
ARE YOU WEARING CHEESE CLOTH?
Are you wearing cheese cloth?
Oh and you have the sandals there
It’s a very nostalgic look, very New-Age
And you have the excessive body hair
ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?
Are you wearing a face pack?
Hello it is you under there?
I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare
That was quite a hand full
So that’s not my wife under there
ARE YOU WEARING A RED WIG?
Are you wearing a red wig?
I know you’re not a natural Redhead
So if that’s not an ill-fitting wig
It’s a very bad dye-job instead
ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH LETTER?
Are you wearing a French letter?
A bulletproof vest would be better
You have far greater prospects
Of getting shot than of getting sex
ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?
Are you wearing a Johnny?
That’s naughty of you to presume
Unless you really are premature
God! Do you really come that soon?
ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?
Are you wearing some protection?
Why would I be talking about a condom?
I just wondered if you had decided
To put your long raincoat on
ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?
Are you wearing a condom?
At your age you really have no hope
Sex at ninety six will be like
Trying to shoot pool with a rope
ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?
Are you wearing cast offs?
I don’t actually care
As long as I see them cast off
Onto my bedroom chair
ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?
Are you wearing a manly chin?
All dimply and square jawed
Very good looking indeed
But I bet you’re as dumb as a board
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?
Are you wearing that face for a bet?
Cheer up lets have a ball
Come on just one little smile
Start with something quite small
Great you have no sense of humor
So probably no sense at all
ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?
Are you wearing a prophylactic?
What do you mean “what’s one of them”
Bloody hell, are you really that thick
A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?
It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on
So I don’t get knocked up by a moron
Are you wearing a sporran?
Wow that really is a beut
It’s an unusual choice though
A sporran with a safari suit
ARE YOU WEARING A CODPIECE?
Are you wearing a codpiece?
No, no you don’t look like a wally
And when it stops raining you’ll have
Somewhere to hang your brolley
ARE YOU WEARING A TIARA?
Are you wearing a tiara?
Sparkling with jewels no less
Oh sweet little Essex girl
Daddies little princess
ARE YOU WEARING CHEESE CLOTH?
Are you wearing cheese cloth?
Oh and you have the sandals there
It’s a very nostalgic look, very New-Age
And you have the excessive body hair
ARE YOU WEARING A FACE PACK?
Are you wearing a face pack?
Hello it is you under there?
I know how to check, I’ll cop a feel
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare
That was quite a hand full
So that’s not my wife under there
ARE YOU WEARING A RED WIG?
Are you wearing a red wig?
I know you’re not a natural Redhead
So if that’s not an ill-fitting wig
It’s a very bad dye-job instead
ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH LETTER?
Are you wearing a French letter?
A bulletproof vest would be better
You have far greater prospects
Of getting shot than of getting sex
ARE YOU WEARING A JOHNNY?
Are you wearing a Johnny?
That’s naughty of you to presume
Unless you really are premature
God! Do you really come that soon?
ARE YOU WEARING SOME PROTECTION?
Are you wearing some protection?
Why would I be talking about a condom?
I just wondered if you had decided
To put your long raincoat on
ARE YOU WEARING A CONDOM?
Are you wearing a condom?
At your age you really have no hope
Sex at ninety six will be like
Trying to shoot pool with a rope
ARE YOU WEARING CAST OFFS?
Are you wearing cast offs?
I don’t actually care
As long as I see them cast off
Onto my bedroom chair
ARE YOU WEARING A MANLY CHIN?
Are you wearing a manly chin?
All dimply and square jawed
Very good looking indeed
But I bet you’re as dumb as a board
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FACE FOR A BET?
Are you wearing that face for a bet?
Cheer up lets have a ball
Come on just one little smile
Start with something quite small
Great you have no sense of humor
So probably no sense at all
ARE YOU WEARING A PROPHYLACTIC?
Are you wearing a prophylactic?
What do you mean “what’s one of them”
Bloody hell, are you really that thick
A rubber? A frenchie? A Johnny? A condom?
It’s a contraceptive sheath, just put it on
So I don’t get knocked up by a moron
The Natural World
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SPRING
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no springtime
BE GENTLE WITH THE EARTH
Be gentle with the earth
It matters such a lot
Look at the landscape
And don’t be the blot
Be gentle with the earth
It’s the only one we’ve got
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SUMMER
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no summertime
CLOAK OF FOG
A thick winter cloak of fog
Settles deep into the valley
Making everywhere anonymous
Obscuring every lane and ally
And for those poor souls abroad
Found it was not a night to dally
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - AUTUMN
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no autumn time
LITTLE ROBIN REDBREAST
“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”
“I can’t “says the Robin
“The winter is preventing me”
“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”
“I can’t say hello to you
Because I’m frozen to this tree”
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - WINTER
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no wintertime
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no springtime
BE GENTLE WITH THE EARTH
Be gentle with the earth
It matters such a lot
Look at the landscape
And don’t be the blot
Be gentle with the earth
It’s the only one we’ve got
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - SUMMER
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no summertime
CLOAK OF FOG
A thick winter cloak of fog
Settles deep into the valley
Making everywhere anonymous
Obscuring every lane and ally
And for those poor souls abroad
Found it was not a night to dally
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - AUTUMN
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no autumn time
LITTLE ROBIN REDBREAST
“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”
“I can’t “says the Robin
“The winter is preventing me”
“Little Robin redbreast
Where can you be?
Dear little Robin
Come and say hello to me”
“I can’t say hello to you
Because I’m frozen to this tree”
THE SEASONS COME AND GO - WINTER
The seasons come and go
Almost monotonous I know
One after another, as planned
Like the sweep of a clock hand
Each season reminding us all
That from winter to the fall
Is yet another year slipped by
A step closer to when we die
A depressing thought I know
But let the seasons come and go
For I think it would be a crime
If their was to be no wintertime
ARE YOU WEARING? # 11
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A BET?
Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?
Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades
ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?
Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?
Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none
ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?
Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face
ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?
Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show
ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?
Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?
Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?
Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster
ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?
Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off
Are you wearing that for a bet?
I can see no other reason
To dress like a total pratt
Unless it’s the silly season
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK GLOVES?
Are you wearing black gloves?
Oh its one of your naked escapades
Just gloves and matching shoes
Well you look like the five of spades
ARE YOU WEARING A HALO?
Are you wearing a halo?
Well angel you look very sweet
But looks can be deceptive
Not every angel that I meet
Is as sweet as they look
And their morals take a back seat
So are you as sweet as you look?
If not then I’m in for a treat
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR THE CRAIC?
Are you wearing it for the craic?
Surely the convent will want it back
It’s your habit? Well that’s a twister
Get away with you, you’re never a sister
Well I say you’re too lovely to be a nun
But if I’m wrong I’ll be getting none
ARE YOU WEARING A CONFIDENT AIR?
Are you wearing a Confident Air?
There is certainly a hint of smugness I can trace
Just remember that confidence is at its peak
Just moments before you fall flat on your face
ARE YOU WEARING POLKA-DOT PANTS?
Are you wearing polka-dot pants?
What do you mean how do I know?
Well if you wear polka-dot underwear
Under white shorts they tend to show
ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING WEAR?
Are you wearing mourning wear?
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I here you’re not a very merry widow
So did you drive him to take his own life?
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK ATTIRE?
Are you wearing black attire?
I must tell you it rather lights my fire
I’m sorry, you are the grieving wife?
I must apologize for my desire
Oh you are a very merry widow?
Then let’s release you from that attire
ARE YOU WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES?
Are you wearing denim dungarees?
Even for a Feminist its a little lack lustre
And for someone as er.. Voluptuous as you
You do come across as a fat ball buster
ARE YOU WEARING A MUDPACK?
Are you wearing a mudpack?
I’m sorry I don’t mean to scoff
I’m sure it makes you more attractive
Right up until you take it off
A Humourous Selection # 6
THE LARGE HUNG-OVER NORTHERN ELK
The morning after the night before
When his head is like a helter-skelta
The large hung-over northern Elk
Has to reach for the Elka-seltza
SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS
Do you suffer from a weight problem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the large double door
DIRECTORY ENQUIRY
I was a stranger in town,
And didn’t know my way around
“Could you tell me mush?
How I get to Shepherds Bush?”
To a local inhabitant I did beg
And he replied “up the Shepherd’s leg”
I WENT SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY
I went shopping the other day
To an out of town shopping mall
I wanted some camouflage trousers
But I couldn’t find any at all
DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TALKING
Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking
If you have something to say, raise your hand
And then place it over your mouth
Yes well done that’s it, that’s grand
DOCTOR UPBEAT
My Doctor said to me, “Jack
You’re a hypochondriac
You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"
"You see I told you”
DRUNK AT THE BAR
A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"
WHEN I WAS A BABE
When I was a babe
Milk was my tipple
Either from a bottle
Or from mummy’s nipple
When I was a boy
Soda was the tops
Delicious bubbly
Sugary Fizzy pops
When I was a man
Beer hit the spot
A foaming brew
In a glass pint pot
Now I’m an old man
Drinking has no charm
As all my fluids
Now go thru my arm
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11
Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an un-packer
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Extricate, Extricate
EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 1
The theory of relativity
Or so I always thought
Meant if you go with a cousin
Don’t get caught
ARE YOU WEARING? # 10
ARE YOU WEARING A SASH?
Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a splash
And normally you’d be a smash
But isn’t that just a bit rash
I mean for this kind of a bash
For you only to wear a sash
ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?
Are you wearing piercing’s?
Thru ears and nose and gob
Oh and is that a nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll get the job
No please keep your trousers on
I’m sure there’s one thru your knob
ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?
Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities wilt?
Well you’re a very hardy guy
And a braver man than I
You are pant less are you not?
Oh so your not a proper Scot
So you’re not very hardy guy
Nor a braver man than I
Well if from tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt
ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?
Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of the passes
But they will ignore the glasses
Worn by girls with nice arses
ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?
Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look sophisticated
Well I think your expectations
Have unfortunately been bated
You just look a little bookish
Sorry if that leaves you deflated
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?
Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won it yet
But I would have to say
You’re worth a pound each way
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?
Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing spray on dress
I can see everything you’ve got
There is no need for me to guess
ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?
Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable welly
They’re only short coming being
They make your feet smelly
ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?
Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look right
Firstly you’re not Jamaican
And secondly you’re white
ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?
Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me cringe
But I have a bit of an aversion
To that Winkleman person
Are you wearing a sash?
I think you’ll make a splash
And normally you’d be a smash
But isn’t that just a bit rash
I mean for this kind of a bash
For you only to wear a sash
ARE YOU WEARING PIERCING’S?
Are you wearing piercing’s?
Thru ears and nose and gob
Oh and is that a nipple ring?
I don’t think you’ll get the job
No please keep your trousers on
I’m sure there’s one thru your knob
ARE YOU WEARING A KILT?
Are you wearing a kilt?
Won’t your extremities wilt?
Well you’re a very hardy guy
And a braver man than I
You are pant less are you not?
Oh so your not a proper Scot
So you’re not very hardy guy
Nor a braver man than I
Well if from tradition you avert
You’re just a man in a skirt
ARE YOU WEARING GLASSES?
Are you wearing glasses?
Because you tire of the passes
But they will ignore the glasses
Worn by girls with nice arses
ARE YOU WEARING SPECTACLES?
Are you wearing spectacles?
To make you look sophisticated
Well I think your expectations
Have unfortunately been bated
You just look a little bookish
Sorry if that leaves you deflated
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A BET?
Are you wearing it for a bet?
Well you haven’t won it yet
But I would have to say
You’re worth a pound each way
ARE YOU WEARING THAT FOR A REASON?
Are you wearing that for a reason?
That most revealing spray on dress
I can see everything you’ve got
There is no need for me to guess
ARE YOU WEARING GUMBOOTS?
Are you wearing gumboots?
The great dependable welly
They’re only short coming being
They make your feet smelly
ARE YOU WEARING DREADLOCKS?
Are you wearing dreadlocks?
On you they don’t look right
Firstly you’re not Jamaican
And secondly you’re white
ARE YOU WEARING A FRINGE?
Are you wearing a fringe?
I’m sorry it made me cringe
But I have a bit of an aversion
To that Winkleman person
Wednesday, 14 March 2012
A Humourous Selection # 5
MOOSE ON THE LOOSE
When a Moose goes on holiday
He likes nothing better
Than eating the local cuisine
Especially the Moosesaka
FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE
I went to the family planning clinic
And I got a tip that is beyond price
It was written below the sign
For “Family Planning Advice”
It simply read “Use rear entrance”
That’s what I call good advice
QUEUE JUMPERS
Outside a popular night club
A set of jump leads were queuing
The bouncer said, “I'll let you in
As long but don't start anything”
DOCTOR PHOBIA
I went to see my GP. And I said
“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”
He said “ok just calm down
You've a touch of cholera”
DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2
I had a phone call from the doctor
“Your cheque came back” I heard him shout
I gathered myself for a moment
Then replied, “So did my bloody gout”
WHEN I WAS A BABY
When I was a baby
I drank milk
From bottle or breast
As boy I drank
Fizzy pop
Limeade was the best
When I reached manhood
I discovered beer
I loved a pint of best
Now I’m nearing the end
Of my life long trip
And all my fluids come
Thru an intravenous drip
I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE
I saw something not very nice
A poor old man fell over on the ice
I rushed over to him right away
He was very poor I would say
Lying on the icy ground
His pockets contained about a pound
DANIELLE ASKED RAY
Danielle asked Ray
“How was your check up today?
Was everything ok?”
Ray replied rather glum
“All was going fine, ho hum
Then he stuck his finger up my bum”
Danielle tried to reassure
“Well that’s standard procedure
Yes of course I’m sure”
Ray said “if you insist
Then for now I will persist
And stay with the same Dentist”
THEY SAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH LOVE
They say you should approach love
And cooking with the same reckless abandon
Well I’ve seen my girlfriend make an omelette
So I don’t think I need to go on
MY TACTIC
My tactic, come bed time
At the said time
Is to pull your night gown
Right down
Because there is no headroom
In your bedroom
When a Moose goes on holiday
He likes nothing better
Than eating the local cuisine
Especially the Moosesaka
FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE
I went to the family planning clinic
And I got a tip that is beyond price
It was written below the sign
For “Family Planning Advice”
It simply read “Use rear entrance”
That’s what I call good advice
QUEUE JUMPERS
Outside a popular night club
A set of jump leads were queuing
The bouncer said, “I'll let you in
As long but don't start anything”
DOCTOR PHOBIA
I went to see my GP. And I said
“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”
He said “ok just calm down
You've a touch of cholera”
DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2
I had a phone call from the doctor
“Your cheque came back” I heard him shout
I gathered myself for a moment
Then replied, “So did my bloody gout”
WHEN I WAS A BABY
When I was a baby
I drank milk
From bottle or breast
As boy I drank
Fizzy pop
Limeade was the best
When I reached manhood
I discovered beer
I loved a pint of best
Now I’m nearing the end
Of my life long trip
And all my fluids come
Thru an intravenous drip
I SAW SOMETHING NOT VERY NICE
I saw something not very nice
A poor old man fell over on the ice
I rushed over to him right away
He was very poor I would say
Lying on the icy ground
His pockets contained about a pound
DANIELLE ASKED RAY
Danielle asked Ray
“How was your check up today?
Was everything ok?”
Ray replied rather glum
“All was going fine, ho hum
Then he stuck his finger up my bum”
Danielle tried to reassure
“Well that’s standard procedure
Yes of course I’m sure”
Ray said “if you insist
Then for now I will persist
And stay with the same Dentist”
THEY SAY YOU SHOULD APPROACH LOVE
They say you should approach love
And cooking with the same reckless abandon
Well I’ve seen my girlfriend make an omelette
So I don’t think I need to go on
MY TACTIC
My tactic, come bed time
At the said time
Is to pull your night gown
Right down
Because there is no headroom
In your bedroom
ARE YOU WEARING? # 9
ARE YOU WEARING A SCARF?
Are you wearing a scarf?
Well it’s not a cold night
And it doesn’t match your outfit
It just doesn’t look right
Why are you wearing it?
I know you’ve got a love bite
ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE?
Are you wearing cologne?
You’re wearing “Black Knight”
What is going on?
Something’s not right
Your wearing you’re cologne
And it’s a school night
It’s not your birthday
So you’re not due a delight
It’s definitely not Christmas
I know I have that right
It’s a snow day tomorrow?
Ok turn out the light
ARE YOU WEARING JODHPURS?
Are you wearing jodhpurs?
You have a fine seat you know
No I’ve never seen you ride
But I do like your bum though
You are a handsome filly
Of good pedigree so Tally ho
And if you’re offering me a ride
I wouldn’t mind giving you a go
ARE YOU WEARING A BUN?
Are you wearing a bun?
That will cause some chat
It’s just a bit old fashioned
But there’s nothing wrong in that
The biggest problem you have
Is it makes your face look fat
ARE YOU WEARING BALLET SHOES?
Are you wearing ballet shoes?
Not really suitable attire,
If you don’t mind me saying,
For working on the farm squire
ARE YOU WEARING TRAINER SOCKS?
Are you wearing trainer socks?
Tell me that you are Please do
Say you haven’t put an uncovered foot
Inside that sweaty training shoe
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?
Are you wearing socks?
Tell me that you are, pray
Why must you adopt
The most bohemian way
And be quite sock less
On your wedding day
ARE YOU WEARING PIG TAILS?
Are you wearing pig tails?
Well that look never fails
To make you look, as a rule,
Like you’re still at school
ARE YOU WEARING A WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a waistcoat?
Well it certainly gets my vote
Though some might disapprove
And it falls on me to behove
To say without being uncaring
It’s the only thing you’re wearing
ARE YOU WEARING A FEATHER BOA?
Are you wearing a feather boa?
It makes you look like a goer
And I think that is a no noa
You don’t need any help so soa
You can loose the feather boa
Are you wearing a scarf?
Well it’s not a cold night
And it doesn’t match your outfit
It just doesn’t look right
Why are you wearing it?
I know you’ve got a love bite
ARE YOU WEARING COLOGNE?
Are you wearing cologne?
You’re wearing “Black Knight”
What is going on?
Something’s not right
Your wearing you’re cologne
And it’s a school night
It’s not your birthday
So you’re not due a delight
It’s definitely not Christmas
I know I have that right
It’s a snow day tomorrow?
Ok turn out the light
ARE YOU WEARING JODHPURS?
Are you wearing jodhpurs?
You have a fine seat you know
No I’ve never seen you ride
But I do like your bum though
You are a handsome filly
Of good pedigree so Tally ho
And if you’re offering me a ride
I wouldn’t mind giving you a go
ARE YOU WEARING A BUN?
Are you wearing a bun?
That will cause some chat
It’s just a bit old fashioned
But there’s nothing wrong in that
The biggest problem you have
Is it makes your face look fat
ARE YOU WEARING BALLET SHOES?
Are you wearing ballet shoes?
Not really suitable attire,
If you don’t mind me saying,
For working on the farm squire
ARE YOU WEARING TRAINER SOCKS?
Are you wearing trainer socks?
Tell me that you are Please do
Say you haven’t put an uncovered foot
Inside that sweaty training shoe
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?
Are you wearing socks?
Tell me that you are, pray
Why must you adopt
The most bohemian way
And be quite sock less
On your wedding day
ARE YOU WEARING PIG TAILS?
Are you wearing pig tails?
Well that look never fails
To make you look, as a rule,
Like you’re still at school
ARE YOU WEARING A WAISTCOAT?
Are you wearing a waistcoat?
Well it certainly gets my vote
Though some might disapprove
And it falls on me to behove
To say without being uncaring
It’s the only thing you’re wearing
ARE YOU WEARING A FEATHER BOA?
Are you wearing a feather boa?
It makes you look like a goer
And I think that is a no noa
You don’t need any help so soa
You can loose the feather boa
The Love Selection # 3
GINGER HEADED MAIDEN FAIR
All I can do is stand and stare
At the Ginger headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning orange hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer
TO FIND THE PERFECT PARTNER
To find the perfect partner
There’s no one I must pursue
Across the world in search
Of every street and avenue
For if I were to take the highway
It would lead right back to you
WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR DESIRE?
What will become
Of our desire?
Will it take us?
Ever higher
To heights only Gods
Dare to aspire
What then
Will it just expire?
Or will it perish?
By ice or fire
Or will it deflate
Like a leaky tyre
What will become
Of our desire?
I SHOULD HAVE SAID
I should have said
You’re the highlight
Of every single day
I should have said
I loved you
In every single way
I should have said
What I was feeling
What resided in my heart
I should have said
I love you
Right from the start
I should have said it
But the words
Stayed in my head
I should have said
I love you
But I said “hi” instead
EVERY SINGLE DAY
Every single day
“I love you” you should say
But it goes unsaid,
And too often we are glib instead
TWENTY YEARS HAVE PAST
Twenty years have past
Since we stood side by side
It wasn’t all hearts and flowers
At times it was a bumpy ride
I think it’s been an achievement
And I feel an intense pride
I wouldn’t have spent a moment
Without you by my side
I don’t regret a single moment
Though there were tears along the way
But there was laughter also
And there was love every day
So here’s to the twenty years
That have happily gone before
Twenty happy years of love
I hope we have twenty more
IN THE MEADOW
I so remember that perfect day
When I first saw you
You were walking in the meadow
When you came in view
I so remember that perfect day
When I knew you were the one
As we danced in this meadow
In the afternoon sun
I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
And we held hands in the meadow
I never wanted us to part
I so remember that perfect day
When first we met
And we made love in the meadow
As the sun began to set
I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
I scatter your ashes in the meadow
And my heart breaks apart
HOW WILL I COPE?
How will I cope?
I don't know
But I’ll have to
Life has dealt the cards
And I must play them
Or fold them
Quitting is not an option
So I will have to cope
And I will,
I must
I have to get on with it
Stop feeling sorry for myself
And play the hand
Life has dealt me
And by determination
Win the pot
THE HARDEST THING TO SAY WAS GOODBYE
The hardest thing to say
Was goodbye
But it had to be said
It took resolve
As hard as granite
But it was said
It wasn’t for the want of love
There was love aplenty
On both sides
But we had grown apart
Sought different goals
And though the regret was deep
The last thing we said
Was goodbye
YOU ARE THE ONE
You are the one
I turn to for comfort
The one I can depend on
When things go caput
You are the one
Who sets me straight
When my heart is heavy
And the burden is great
You are the one
I turn to when I need a hug
You calm me down
Like a prescription drug
You are the one
On whom my life depends
Isn’t it about time
We were more than friends
All I can do is stand and stare
At the Ginger headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning orange hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer
TO FIND THE PERFECT PARTNER
To find the perfect partner
There’s no one I must pursue
Across the world in search
Of every street and avenue
For if I were to take the highway
It would lead right back to you
WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR DESIRE?
What will become
Of our desire?
Will it take us?
Ever higher
To heights only Gods
Dare to aspire
What then
Will it just expire?
Or will it perish?
By ice or fire
Or will it deflate
Like a leaky tyre
What will become
Of our desire?
I SHOULD HAVE SAID
I should have said
You’re the highlight
Of every single day
I should have said
I loved you
In every single way
I should have said
What I was feeling
What resided in my heart
I should have said
I love you
Right from the start
I should have said it
But the words
Stayed in my head
I should have said
I love you
But I said “hi” instead
EVERY SINGLE DAY
Every single day
“I love you” you should say
But it goes unsaid,
And too often we are glib instead
TWENTY YEARS HAVE PAST
Twenty years have past
Since we stood side by side
It wasn’t all hearts and flowers
At times it was a bumpy ride
I think it’s been an achievement
And I feel an intense pride
I wouldn’t have spent a moment
Without you by my side
I don’t regret a single moment
Though there were tears along the way
But there was laughter also
And there was love every day
So here’s to the twenty years
That have happily gone before
Twenty happy years of love
I hope we have twenty more
IN THE MEADOW
I so remember that perfect day
When I first saw you
You were walking in the meadow
When you came in view
I so remember that perfect day
When I knew you were the one
As we danced in this meadow
In the afternoon sun
I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
And we held hands in the meadow
I never wanted us to part
I so remember that perfect day
When first we met
And we made love in the meadow
As the sun began to set
I so remember that perfect day
When you won my heart
I scatter your ashes in the meadow
And my heart breaks apart
HOW WILL I COPE?
How will I cope?
I don't know
But I’ll have to
Life has dealt the cards
And I must play them
Or fold them
Quitting is not an option
So I will have to cope
And I will,
I must
I have to get on with it
Stop feeling sorry for myself
And play the hand
Life has dealt me
And by determination
Win the pot
THE HARDEST THING TO SAY WAS GOODBYE
The hardest thing to say
Was goodbye
But it had to be said
It took resolve
As hard as granite
But it was said
It wasn’t for the want of love
There was love aplenty
On both sides
But we had grown apart
Sought different goals
And though the regret was deep
The last thing we said
Was goodbye
YOU ARE THE ONE
You are the one
I turn to for comfort
The one I can depend on
When things go caput
You are the one
Who sets me straight
When my heart is heavy
And the burden is great
You are the one
I turn to when I need a hug
You calm me down
Like a prescription drug
You are the one
On whom my life depends
Isn’t it about time
We were more than friends
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