A Humourous Selection # 6

THE LARGE HUNG-OVER NORTHERN ELK

The morning after the night before
When his head is like a helter-skelta
The large hung-over northern Elk
Has to reach for the Elka-seltza

SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS

Do you suffer from a weight problem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the large double door

DIRECTORY ENQUIRY

I was a stranger in town,
And didn’t know my way around
“Could you tell me mush?
How I get to Shepherds Bush?”
To a local inhabitant I did beg
And he replied “up the Shepherd’s leg”

I WENT SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY

I went shopping the other day
To an out of town shopping mall
I wanted some camouflage trousers
But I couldn’t find any at all

DON’T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M TALKING

Don’t interrupt me when I’m talking
If you have something to say, raise your hand
And then place it over your mouth
Yes well done that’s it, that’s grand

DOCTOR UPBEAT

My Doctor said to me, “Jack
You’re a hypochondriac
You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"
"You see I told you”

DRUNK AT THE BAR

A drunk was brought before the judge.
The judge said as he was walked in
"You've been brought before me for drinking."
And the drunk said, "Great, I’ll have a gin"

WHEN I WAS A BABE

When I was a babe
Milk was my tipple
Either from a bottle
Or from mummy’s nipple

When I was a boy
Soda was the tops
Delicious bubbly
Sugary Fizzy pops

When I was a man
Beer hit the spot
A foaming brew
In a glass pint pot

Now I’m an old man
Drinking has no charm
As all my fluids
Now go thru my arm

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 11

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as an un-packer
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Extricate, Extricate

EINSTEIN A GO-GO # 1

The theory of relativity
Or so I always thought
Meant if you go with a cousin
Don’t get caught