IF YOU SHOULD FIND
If you should find
Three hand grenades one day
Take them to a police station
And should one explode on the way
You can tell the police
You only found two anyway
I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY
I’m ready for a holiday
With blue skies and sand and sea
But so my wife doesn’t get pregnant
I’m taking her with me
MATERNAL ABSTINENCE
My mum never touches strong drink
Which is her defensive buffering
Though not on religious grounds
It would interferes with her suffering
MATERNAL QUALIFICATIONS
Mum should be a parole officer
Because in her defence
With her around
No one finishes a sentence
SHOPPING ASSISTANCE
I went into an electrical shop
And could find no one to assist
I got angrier and angrier
Until finally I couldn’t resist
“Can someone sell me a toaster”
I shouted in a frustrated tiz
A female assistant said “Kenwood?”
I took a deep breath and responded
“Let me explain something Ms
I just want someone to sell me a toaster
I don’t care what his name is”
FROZEN WINDOWS
Bimbette texted Peaches "Windows
@ home, frozen - what should I do?"
Peaches texted back “use some de-icer
Or boiling water will probably do”
Bimbette “OK, computer went bang
And lights have fused too"
CAR DEAL
After passing his driving test, a teenage boy,
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“If you do better at school than you have so far,
Go to church every Sunday without fail
And get a haircut. I will buy you a car”
After a few months had passed the boy
Asked his Dad if he would buy him a car
Dad thought about it for a while and replied
“Well you have improved at school by far
And you’ve gone to church every Sunday
But you still need a hair cut, so no car”
The boy replied, “Since going to church
I have learned a very great deal so far
Samson, John the Baptist, Moses and Jesus
All had long hair, so we are on a par"
Dad smiled and said, “They may all have had
Long hair but none of them had a car”
THE END OF ROMANCE
I knew the very moment that
The romance had died, it was after
I drank from my wife’s slipper
And almost choked on a corn plaster
SENIOR REVELATION
One day you look in the mirror
And beneath the lathers
You realize that the face
You are shaving is your fathers
THE SECRET TO LONG LIFE
Rather than eating chicken soup
Just laugh a little every day
It’s much more beneficial
Well that’s what the chickens say
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