A Christmas Selection Box # 3

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 3

Hearing the Church bells and sleigh bells ringing
Midnight mass worship with Carol singing
Singing in praise of the King of Kings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 182

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
Got an itch, Got an itch;
Coming down the chimney,
Coming down the chimney;
On his snitch, On his snitch.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 3

I dream of Christmas
And Santa's loaded sleigh
I dream about the reindeer
Bringing Santa Claus my way

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, just you stick,
We will lend you man made fabric,
We wont rock you, rock you, rock you,
We wont rock you, as were not qualified

EVERYONE ATTENDED

Everyone attended
No one was excused
Christmas morning mass
Was one of those to-do’s
And even the church mice
Sat smartly in their pews

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

The presents look wonderful
Beneath the Christmas tree
The holly and the mistletoe
Are arranged delightfully

The gingerbread men are ready
Cinnamon cookies are fresh baked
The Yule log is ready for cutting
And so is the Christmas cake

Festive cocktails have been mixed
The eggnog will taste sublime
There are traditional winter ales
Or there is always the mulled wine

Then the bells of Christmas ring,
Well the doorbell is ringing
Is that the guest’s arriving?
Or the carollers come singing

Friends and family have arrived
Its time to meet and greet
They have travelled far and near
To see them is such a treat

The mantel dressed with greens
The scent of Christmas fills the air
And all the children rush to see
The stockings hanging there

I love these get-togethers
And when all is said and done
We’re making Christmas memories
So Merry Christmas everyone

WHO ATE AL THE PIES?

The old fat fella
In the big red suit
Of delivering gifts
In his festive pursuit

Wide black belt
And big black boot
The jolly fat bloke
Ruddy and hirsute

He does great good
That’s not in dispute
But he eats too much
So he’s a chubby brute

So when he visits
On his Christmas commute
Don’t leave him a pie
Leave him some fruit

IN THE BLEAK MID WINTER

I’m not looking for a white Christmas
For my life is already a cold place
Bleak and forbidding
So I have no need of snow
Carpets of white everywhere
Winter fills my every day
My life is perpetual winter
Because you have taken my warmth
You were the heart of me
You sent the blood coursing through me
You were the sun in my sky
Now my life is tundra
And I am just a frozen husk
To numb to exist

ESSENTIAL INGREDIENT

I have no need of Christmas
I have no need of memories
I have no desire to make plans
To join in with the festivities

Don’t wish me merry Christmas
I have no need of Christmas cheer
For me it won’t be Christmas
Until my darling wife is here

So save your merry Christmas
Don’t send your jollity my way
Keep the Christmas fizz on ice
Until she’s home on Christmas day

This is for all those whose loved ones have to work on Christmas day.

CHRISTMAS TREE

My brother has a Christmas tree
My sister has one too
My parents have a Christmas tree
That is beautiful to view

The town square has a Christmas tree
The school has one too
Trafalgar square has a Christmas tree
That is beautiful to view

And the thing they have in common
Is that they are CHRISTMAS trees
Decorated and trimmed
To be quite beautiful you see

They are not part of a general holiday
Nor are they akin to Hanukkah
They are not part of a Winter Festival
CHRISTMAS Trees is what they are

And around our Christmas tree
We celebrate the blessed day
And all say Happy Christmas
But never happy holiday

KEEP THE SPIRIT

Try to keep the spirit
Of Christmas true in your heart
Every day of the year

TOO MERRY CHRISTMAS

I made too merry yesterday
I had a splendid day
In Christmas celebration
I indulged in every way
But now my head is splitting
The morning after the play
So I will nurse my head
For all of Boxing Day

A Christmas Selection Box # 2

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 2

Mulled wine and eggnog, a schooner of sherry
Baileys and Babycham to keep the girls merry
Singing along as Bing Crosby sings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 178

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
Left his bag, Left his bag;
Up beside the chimney,
Up beside the chimney;
What a drag, what a drag.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 2

I dream of Christmas
Laying in my cozy room
Dreaming of the carol singers
Singing their Christmas tunes

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY - AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger
No crib for a bed …
The little Lord Jesus
Lay down his sweet head
I don’t think it matters
How gently you sing
Social services don’t care
For this kind of thing

CHRISTMAS IS THE PERFECT TIME

Christmas is the perfect time
For the perfect Christmas rhyme
So when the bells of Christmas chime
Have the happiest Christmas time

THE GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS PAST

On the north winds they come
Blown in on Decembers icy blast
Unwelcome visitors come calling
The ghosts of Christmas past

Creeping in with happier memories
Standing out in stark contrast
Sad memories best forgotten
The ghosts of Christmas past

ALL ACROSS THE GLOBE

All across the globe
They are seen together
On every continent
And in every weather
The Christian cross
And the pagan tree
To celebrate the birth
Of Christianity

THE CHURCH IS FULL

The church is full
On Christmas day
From miles around
They came to praise
And share in the joy
Of the blessed gift
Given to the world
To heal the rift

CHRISTMAS FOLLY REVISITED

I have no need of jollity
Or happy yuletide fare
I have no Christmas gift to wrap
There’s no one here to share

I have no time for Christmas
Just the time to reminisce
I have no need of mistletoe
Because she’s not here to kiss

So I will spend the time alone
On a lonely Christmas day
But I have no need of sympathy
Because I let her slip away

CHRISTMAS DOESN’T LIVE HERE ANYMORE

There will be no wreath on the door
Not a single decoration will be seen
Cards will be recycled unopened
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no gifts beneath the tree
There will be no turkey with all the trimmings
There will be no festive merriment
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

There will be no season’s greetings
There will be no Christmas joy
There will be no festive spirit
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

This Christmas day will be like any other day
A day full of abject loneliness
For since my darling joined the angels
Christmas doesn’t live here anymore

REMEMBRANCE SHINES

Remembrance shines most
Bright, like the Christmas candle light,
During the Christmas rite

CHRISTMAS FELICITATIONS

Merry Christmas,
Good will to all men,
The festive season
Is with us once again,

The special holy day
Is growing very near
So Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

A Christmas Selection Box # 1

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 1

Baubles and bells and candle light glows
Bright coloured parcels tied up with bows
Candy and spices and popcorn on strings
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 173

Father Christmas, Father Christmas,
He got stuck, he got stuck;
Coming down the chimney,
Coming down the chimney;
Too much tuck, Too much tuck.

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 1

I dream of Christmas
And hope the snow will fall
I dream of a snowy scene
When Santa comes to call

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,
Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.
- Stuff that cant we get the bus?

SAD CHRISTMAS

There is a pain in my chest
Where my heart used to be
There are tears in my eyes
That are blinding me
Let the season pass
Without my participation
Christmas won't be merry
Is my sad anticipation

CHRISTMAS GATEAU

It is time for me to make
My most special Christmas cake
The only thing you need to start
Is the most joyous open heart
Then add by the pound
All the love that can be found
Delightful festive merriments
And simple humble ingredients
Thankfulness and Gratitude
Lashings of positive attitude
Laced with Christmas cheer
And a cup of Christmas beer
An abundance of good wishes
With lots of hugs and kisses
Not forgetting laughter and fun
Enough to serve everyone
And to complete my Gateau
I garnish with sprigs of mistletoe

MISSING EVERYONE

I miss everyone so much, that I fear
I’ll dampen everyone’s Christmas cheer
Then your emailed movie clip appears
And when I’ve wiped away my misty tears
The long miles seem to disappear
And feel more like you are all near
So I put away my lonely fears
Have another glass that cheers
And I’ll see you all on New Years

I JUST OPENED MY PRESENT

My old aunt just popped round
With a Christmas gift for me
It wasn’t what I was expecting
It was a tweedy dye Mankini

“I hope it’s the one you wanted”
I didn’t know what to say really
I couldn’t understand it
I asked for a CD by Mancini

CHRISTMAS COMPLIMENT

As I was basting the bird
A thought, to me occurred
It was only at this time of peace
That Turkey and Greece,
As with hot fat you smother,
Compliment each other

THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS

Last year at the Christmas fair
I reached for my wallet and it wasn’t there
I was going to report my cards stolen
But I didn’t bother I must declare
As the thieves spent considerably less
Than my extravagant wife Claire
YOU’RE MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my very own Christmas delight.
Please stay with me tonight

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 6

RAVEN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the raven headed maiden fair
The girl with the flowing black hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of flowing black hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

I HAVE A PICTURE OF YOU

I have a picture of you,
In my wallet,
It’s a little the worse for wear
But I treasure it
I’m sure you’ll remember it
It was on the sea front
That last day I spent with you
I thought it was a happy day
You seemed happy too
I often study that little snap
Looking for any tell tale signs
But if they exist, they evade me
It doesn’t show in your eyes
There’s no hint in your smile
But still you left me

THE FIRST REAL KISS

She leaned her face towards me
Slowly, yet purposefully
And touched my lips gently with hers
For just the merest moment
A single spinetingling moment
Then she stopped
And pulled her head away
Looking deep into my eyes
With a commanding gaze
Which demanded loudly
That I should reciprocate
I wrapped my arms around her waist
Pulling her close to me.
When our lips met this time
They parted on contact
And our tongues flicked
Vigourously exploring each others mouths
It was my first real kiss
And what a kiss it was
A toe curling
Nerve tingling
Sweet moment of bliss

WHITE AS LILY

Full moon, white as Lily
how you do pluck at the strings
of young lovers hearts

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 5

GOLDEN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the golden headed maiden fair
The girl with the dazzling yellow hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of dazzling yellow hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

OUR LOVE IS OLD

Our love is old,
Our love is true,
When we’re apart
Our hearts are blue
I love you madly
And you love me too

YOUR TENDER TOUCH

Your tender touch
Meant so much
I miss your touch
A touch too much
Your tender touch
That was nonesuch

I STOP, I REMINISCE

I stop, I reminisce
That perfect time I miss
A smile, a look, a kiss
A moment of bliss
Sweet reminisce

PARAMOUR IN THE WINGS

Paramour in the wings
Mistress in waiting
The smitten kitten
With the concubine heart

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 4

CHESTNUT HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the chestnut headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of shinning brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM

How eagerly I await the night
When I can drift through
The curtain of sleep,
Into the dreamlands
Where sweet maidens await
With smiles of seduction,
Sweet tender caresses
And whispered words of love
Until I am torn away
Into the waking hour

THE LIGHT OF LOVE

I want to stir the slumber
Of your lonesome heart
And shine a loving light
Into the corners of the dark

THE DAWN OF DREAMS

Heralding the dawn,
The first fingers of light
Steal in through the glass
Penetrating the gloom
Waking me from my slumber
And stirring me from my dreams
Which but a moment ago
Were vividly real and tangible
Yet now are only half remembered things
Drifting away like mist on the breeze

BENIGN SPIRIT

Let me surround you
Like a benign spirit
Comforting and protecting
Let me envelope you like a cloak of love
Wrapping you in a goose down quilt
To warm your soul from winters grip
Let me nourish and nurture
And blow gently on the embers of love
In your sad and lonely heart

HUMEROUS POEMS # 3

IT’S A BLESSED MIRACLE

It’s a blessed miracle
I've been in love with the same woman
For more than fifty years!
It’s a greater miracle
That my wife has never found out,
If she did it would end in tears

RUDELY AWAKENED

I leapt up out of bed,
And I opened the door
In my pyjamas,
Wow I’d not noticed it before
What a very odd place
For there to be a door

A REAL HUMDINGER

A man made a boast
It was a real humdinger
“I can turn this duck
Into a soul singer”

He repeated his boast
Despite being mocked
And made a wager
That left them shocked

They took the bet
That was a real humdinger
To see him turn a duck
Into a soul singer

He said as he took the duck
That he called Mr Smithers
“Now I’ll put it in the microwave
Until its bill withers”

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 3

Mono browed women with un-waxed moustaches
Wearing tight leggings too small for their asses
Fat sausage fingers and huge bingo wings
These are a few of my least favourite things

THREE LITTLE FISHES

Three fish in a tank,
One says to the other ones
I'll drive the thing
If you two man the guns

A WEASEL AND A STOAT?

What's the difference between
A weasel and a stoat?
They can both be used
To make a fine coat
So that’s not the answer
Well no need to lament
One's weasily recognized
The other stoatly different.

EIN GANG

Just a little heads up
When everything's coming your way,
Don’t get too cocky
You’re just in the wrong lane. Ok?

FURRY, FURRY DICE

Furry, furry dice
Nodding dogs that nod all day
Look out on the motorway
With eyes that know the despair in my soul.
Hold-ups on the hills,
Stretched for miles like bitter pills
Take a break because tiredness kills
The signs say all across this land

To the tune of Vincent by Don McClean

PUT DOWN # 47

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Wow that dress looks good on you
But it would look even better on my bedroom floor”
Just thank him and say “No problem,
I’ll send it to you when I don’t wear it anymore”

I LOST MY JOB TODAY

I lost my job today, I was sacked
My boss finally drove me to the brink
So I said “Shhh, just listen to the sound
Of nobody caring what you think”

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 3

MOUSY HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the mousy headed maiden fair
The girl with the dirty-blonde hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of dirty-blonde hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

NOT VIRGINIA PLAIN

Her hair was red
Of russet tones
Like autumn leaves
Its cascading flow
Framed her face
And beauty shone forth
Its skins purity,
Rich as parchment,
Soft as silk,
Radiated her beauty
Her hypnotic eyes
Were startlingly blue,
With gem stone clarity
And held laughter in them
Her nose was small, delicate
Her lips were thin
But a smile of sweet remembrance
Constantly played about them

A COPPER CASCADE

Her crowning glory
Of cascading copper
Pours like molten rust
Onto the pure and unblemished
Milk white skin
Of her neck and shoulders
How I envy each burnished strand
Spilling onto her alabaster skin
Touching where my lips may not

WHAT RICH TAPESTRY

What rich tapestry
Has nature weaved,
This thing of beauty
Crafted by artisan hand
Each stitch and thread,
Singularly ambiguous,
Contributes to the whole
And into this creation
Life was breathed
And light was shone
And there you stand

A ROSE

I thought you pretty as a Rose
A sweet scented beauty
So I gave to you my heart
But you left it broken
And it now lies dying
On a Rose’s bloodied thorns

ARE YOU WEARING?

ARE YOU WEARING A CORSET?

Are you wearing a corset?
All whalebone and string
A beautiful thing to behold
A lustfully sexy thing
Pulling you in at the waist
And redistributing everything
A little discomfort for you
In the whalebone and string
But it’s a small price to pay
For the joy it will bring

ARE YOU WEARING A GIRDLE?

Are you wearing a girdle?
That’s a problem Mrs Spurdle,
Not an insurmountable hurdle
But due to the snugness of the fit
Prising all of you, out of, all of it
Might slow me down a bit

ARE YOU WEARING A WONDER BRA?

Are you wearing a wonder bra?
I think you almost certainly are
If you’re not I’ll eat my cigar
Because nature isn’t that bizarre
And doesn’t push them up that far

ARE YOU WEARING A BRASSIERE?

Are you wearing a brassiere?
You seem to have a pretty pair
Though I don’t think you’re being fair
Because I know you don’t I Clair
And I must honestly declare
To have spent some time up there
And if it’s not a padded brassier
You’ve got a pair of socks up there

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 227

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his pot in the middle of the night
Because he needed to take a pee

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 228

Pease pudding hot,
Pease pudding cold,
Pease pudding in the pot
Nine days old.
“That’s got to be past its sell by date”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 229

Lucy Locket lost her pocket,
Kitty Fisher found it;
Not a penny was there in it,
“That Kitty Fisher is a thieving little cow”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 230

Daffy-down-Dilly
Has come to town
With a yellow petticoat
And a pretty green gown
“Quick phone the fashion police”

UNCATEGORIZED POEMS # 2

HOPE SITS

Hope sits
Upon its primordial throne
A constant, in a sea of change
An unquenchable thirst
An unsatisfied yearning
An unscratchable itch
When all else fails
Hope waits for us all
Since time immemorial
Till the end of time

LIFE INSURANCE

Life should be rewarding
Though not monetarily
Riches nonetheless
For premiums take many forms
But you can’t take out
What you don’t put in
So just invest yourself
And reap the dividends

ANGEL IN THE CROWN

Angel in the crown
of heavens splendours shown
winged beauty flown

THIS OLD HOUSE

This old house
With faded papered walls
And paint flaked and chipped
Rooms full of drafts
And murky shadowed light
Smelling of decay and neglect
And life long absence
The house needed something
No the house wanted something
Amidst the cobwebs of yesterday
And the promise of tomorrow
The house wanted to be a home

MY HEART CARRIES TOO MANY SORROWS

My heart carries too many sorrows
Now my yesterdays out weigh my tomorrows
My spirits sit low in the grey December light
My bones grow weary in the night
I long for the spring sun upon my face
Yet I know that can never again be the case
I wait now in the quiet of another night
In hopeful expectation of the benevolent light

TIME THE FICKLE FRIEND

Time the fickle friend,
though you never wind the spring
the celestial clock ticks on

ARTISTIC PRACTICE

The potter breathing life
Into cold dead clay
An artist and his canvas
Killing the white
The sculptor seeing visions
In the lifeless stone
Wordsmiths weaving
Elaborate fabric with their words
Wood carvers releasing
The image hid within the wood
The unity between hand and mind
Artists and artisans all

BE ENGLISH

Celebrate the victory
With your piers
Drown the woes of foes
In English beer
Sing loud the songs of triumph
Whisper low of near disasters
Be magnanimous in victory
Be humble in defeat
Be proud, be loud
Be English

HUMEROUS POEMS # 2

THERE ARE THREE WORDS

There are three words
No one ever wants to hear
When they are making love
They are “I’m home dear!"

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 2

Rotund young women as round as they’re tall
Frumpy old maids with no dress sense at all
Middle aged women who think its still spring
These are a few of my least favourite things

THE CRUEL FACTS OF LIFE

I asked my thirteen year old
If he understood the facts of life
But his complete over reaction
Shocked me and my wife

The boy burst into tears and yelled
“Don’t tell me I don’t want to know”
He put his hands over his ears
Saying “I’m not listening no, no, no”

When my son had calmed down
I asked him what was so scary
He said “when I was seven, you said
That there was no Tooth fairy”

“Then when I was nine, you said
That there was no Easter bunny”
Last year you said that Santa Claus
Was really you and mummy

Now on the eve of my manhood
If you’re going to tell me
That adults don’t have sex
You may just as well shoot me

THE MERITS OF FERRETS

The merits of ferrets
Are the traits he inherits
For hunting the rabbit
In the place they inhabit

THE QUIZZICAL SON

A young boy comes home from school
And addresses his father quizzically
"Dad, what's the difference between
Theoretically and realistically?"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "this calls for a demonstration,
Go and ask Mum if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok another demonstration,
Go and ask your Sister if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok one final demonstration,
Go and ask your Brother if he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"

The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad he said he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"

"Well there’s your answer, we could
Have three million pounds, theoretically.
But as it turns out what we have is
Two slappers and a homosexual, realistically."

THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 2

If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Pole dancers
From Poland?

I LOVE YOU DARLING WARTS AND ALL

I love you Darling warts and all
Though I can’t seem to recall
When we first met at the mall
And we chatted in the food hall
You ever mentioning warts at all

PUT DOWN # 48

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him, only reply if he persists
“Maybe you'd be less boring if I got to know you,
But I am not willing to take that risk”

EVERYONE NEEDS A HOBBY

Everyone needs a hobby
And my dad is no exception
He has built up a rather large
Empty bottle collection

There is a name for it
It’ll come to me in a tick
It’s on the tip of my tongue
Oh yes he’s an alcoholic

RIBALD # 2

BRITISH MANHOOD

British manhood
Out on the Razz
Have no conscience
Or boundaries
When endowed
With the beer goggles
They have no preferences
If you shaved a pig
And put it in a dress
With white stilettos
Someone would take it home
Given a late enough hour
And sufficient beer
The necessity to shave the pig
Would be redundant

I LOVE POOH BEAR

I love Pooh bear
And Paddington bear
I love my panda bear
And my teddy Bear
But most of all I must declare
I love my honey bare

THE TRUTH BEHIND THE ACTION

A love pat on the behind my dear
A subtle spank on my dearest’s rear
An action speaking loud and clear
Placed on the buttock soft and plump
A subtle spank on tender rump
The preamble to some rumpy pump

FLASH GAME

A flasher stepped out from the shadows
In front of an unsuspecting old lady
Who just looked pityingly at him and his offering
For no more than a minute or two maybe

She mentally took in his description
200 lbs and about 6ft but no taller
Then he said: "You know what this is don't you?"
She replied "it looks like a penis, only smaller!"

PEAFOWL

Two peahens watched
As the peacock danced
The courtship display
He proudly pranced

One hen said to the other
“All this is getting on my wick”
Then shouted “stop showing off
And show us your dick”

MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 2

Girls in short dresses with black satin panties
G-strings and thongs and exotic scanties
Innocent lookers who do naughty things
These are a few of my favourite things

Firm rounded buttocks and waists that are tiny
A look in the eye that says “I’m Mandy try me”
A flirt in a skirt who looks like she sins
These are a few of my favourite things

When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort

STEAMER

Steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no
I said “my God, what a size, a girth, a length it is
You know – well you know you left it hummin in view
Now there's not a lot I can do

Sung to the tune of Dreamer by Supertramp

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 2

SILVER HEADED LADY FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the silver headed lady fair
The woman with the silvery hair
Oh beautiful lady standing there
With the waves of silvery hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

HOW FAIR BE YOUR COUNTENANCE

How fair be your countenance
A beauty fairer than the Rose?
How fair be your fragrance
Is it as pleasing to the nose?
How do you compare to the flower
Perhaps this year you are equals
But with each year passing
You will not match its sequels

SUMMER GIRLS

Summer girls
Glistening with suntan oils
Clad in bikinis
On yellow sunlit soils
And how the suitor
Athletically toils
To catch their eye
And so take the spoils

ODE TO MY BEAU

You hold back the night
With your gallantry
You subdue my fears
With your chivalry
You hold me in the light
With your passion for me

WHAT MORE BEAUTY

What more beauty could there be
Than in a maiden lithe of limb
With perfect elegance and grace
And a figure both sleek and trim
Beheld in the vision of a man
Who thinks she only has eyes for him

NATURE POEMS

BEAUTEOUS ROSE

Beauteous Rose in summer dress
In scented splendour
The courtly bees attends thee
Thy fragrant demeanour
In sunlit display
Leaves all nature in awe

THE NIGHT IS STILL

The night is still
And summer flowers sleep
To awake with dawn

A NEW DAY DAWNING

On the distant horizon
The embers of the dawn
Brightly glow
As God blows gentle breath
Upon the glowing coals
And lights up another day

WANE BITTER SEASON

Wane bitter season,
dare Snowdrops to appear, before
winters lingering bite

SPRING WAKES

Spring wakes from lazy
slumber, finding the Crocus heads
already on display

UNCATEGORIZED POEMS # 1

RESPECT

I don’t compare myself to others
Of greater worth or merit
Or try to compete or out perform them
Simply, I am my own man,
And I am content to be so
I am happy to be transparent
So those around me can see what I am
And know the content of my heart
And because of my strong principles
I have self respect
And in return I ask only one thing
To be respected

NEVER OVER REACH

Never confuse, without exception
Excellence with perfection
Excellence you can strive for
Perfection is something more
As I heard Michael J Fox once express
Perfection is God’s business

AS JOYOUS AS A SONG

My love for you
Is as joyous as a song,
Sung in congregation
With the faithful throng

DRAWN LIKE A MOTH

I moved toward the light
Drawn like a moth to a flame
It was a benevolent light
Not dazzlingly bright
But soft and easy on the eye
And when the vista opened wide
It emerged into serenity
With sweet music everywhere
And love enveloped me
Like a soft blanket
In the place of perfect peace
I stepped among the angels
Where no shadows fall

THEY FOLLOW THEIR HEARTS

They follow their hearts
A congregation of one accord
Singing the heartfelt lyrics
To make sweet music to the lord

FILL MY CUP WITH CHEER

Fill my cup with cheer
Dear Lord
But let me be merry
And not drunk
Let me be a companion
And not a burden
Let me be happy
But not foolish
Let me know
When its time to go
And deliver me
Safely to my door

ON THAT AND THIS

Many hours spent
A whole lifetime lent
Time spent remiss
On that and this
Times sands run
And can’t be undone
Too late to wish
Now stood at the abyss
Time never fails
To balance the scales
Regrets too late
Surrender to fate
Time to repent
Your lifetime lent

HUMEROUS POEMS # 1

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses
Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses
Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings
These are a few of my least favourite things

PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow that dress looks good on you”
You can compliment her
“But laying on my bedroom floor
It would look even better”

CELTIC PRIDE

The Celts are a proud lot
As they’ll tell you like as not
But when the Romans came to stay
The Celts up and ran away
That is exactly what they did
They ran away and hid
And there they stayed on their own
Until the Romans left for home
Then came the Vikings and the Danes
So the Celts ran away again
This noble race mild and meek
Happily playing hide and seek
Well so much for Celtic pride
Nobly running away to hide
Now don’t climb on your high horse
I am a Celt myself of course
And those who run away today
Live to run away another day

A DRIVEN WOMAN

I just got back from the airport
It was a journey of some import
I had to drive the mum in law
Normally a rather onerous chore
But I volunteered this time
And no I had not lost my mind
She was going home hip hip
So it was more of a pleasure trip

HAND HOLDING

I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out
People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not
I hold her hand all the time because I know
That if I let it go she’ll start to shop

PEARL ANNIVERSARY

After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry

MEDICAL MIRACLE

I’ve avoided most diseases
Nature has deployed
But I’m suffering the effects
Of a life well enjoyed
Now I keep twenty doctors
Gainfully employed

WE HAVE A WATER BED

We have a water bed at home
It was a birthday gift for me
I call it my seductive oasis
My wife calls it the Dead Sea

THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 1

If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Lap dancers
From Lapland?

RIBALD # 1

MY FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

Black lacy stocking, suspenders or garters
Silk cami-knickers will do nicely for starters
Brassiered packages with straps like strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Petite little strumpets and long legged fillies
Brunettes and redheads stripped down to their frillies
Uniformed Nurses oh the pleasures they bring
These are a few of my favourite things

When the lust strikes
When the urge stings
When I'm feeling taught
I simply remember my favourite things
And then find an easy sort

IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE CAR

My wife said she'd like to have sex
In the back seat of the car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
In the back of someone else’s car
I thought things are looking up
I like what I’m hearing so far
Then she said she'd like to have sex
With the guy we just met in the bar

BLIND DATES

I love going on blind dates
They just thrill me to bits
They don’t suit everyone
But hey if the cap fits
I do lots of blind dates
As many as time permits
We meet in a quiet place
Where I sit and stare at their tits

DO YOU HAVE A BRAZILIAN?

Are you sporting a Brazilian?
I think you might be Gillian
I don’t think you have a silly’n
Not like your kid sister Lillian
Who leans towards a Chilean
Or your older sister Jillian
With her moustachioed Sicilian
No I think you my daring Gillian
Might well have a Brazilian
Which is probably a chilly’n

DIRTY-BLONDE HAIR

Oh pretty girl
With the dirty-blonde hair
You may be the answer
To a lonely mans prayer
I have been watching
You standing there
And I’d like to ask
A question if I dare
Are you as dirty
As your dirty-blonde hair

ASTRONOMICAL LOVE

From the moons of Jupiter
And the areolas peaks
Across the navel plains
To the crater of Uranus
And the mound of Venus

BRITISH GIRLS ABROAD

British girls abroad
Fake tanned
Everything on display
Easy virtue
Easy lay
Begging for it?
Gagging for it?
Looking for it?
Perhaps not
But they know the way

BRITISH LADS ABROAD

British lads abroad
On the pull
Like what they see
With undiscerning eye
Out to play
Looking for an easy lay
On another 18-30 holiday

ADMIRATION AND LOVE # 1

CRIMSON HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the crimson headed maiden fair
The girl with the flaming red hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of flaming red hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

HOLIDAY ROMANCE

You wanted love
Sweet thing
A holiday romance
Not a brief fling
You wanted love
Romance and kisses
Holding hands
And making wishes
You sought a lover
In a romantic way
You should have known
At the end of the day
He sought a “gagging for it”
Nice easy lay
That was his idea
Of a romantic holiday

PERFECT LOVE CAN BE ILLUSIVE

Perfect love can be illusive
For perfect love is unique
Perfect sex is not exclusive
For perfect sex is just technique

OPEN YOUR EYES ANGEL

Open your eyes Angel
Wipe away the sleep
Be very careful
Don’t sell yourself cheap
Watch out angel
Whatever you do
He’ll break your heart
And make you blue
He’ll get what he wants
Then he’ll wave goodbye
Leaving you sullied
Leaving you to cry
He will have a place to go
For his next bit of frilly lace
Another silly girl
Just as easy to disgrace
Another notch on the bedpost
Another easy conquest
Leaving you alone
Broken hearted and bereft

YOU SLIPPED THROUGH MY FINGERS

You slipped through my fingers
All those yesterdays ago,
How the regret still lingers
Of the way I let you go

WAR AND REMEMBRANCE

IN THE GATHERING OF HOPEFUL HEARTS

In the gathering of hopeful hearts
The flame of peace does thrive
A flame whose embers glowed
When my granddad was still alive
The lads and pals in distant lands
To a man did purposely strive
They kept that tiny ember tended
To ensure that it would survive
And many a lad remained forever
To keep the flame of peace alive

ON REMEMBRANCE DAY

On Remembrance Day,
We honour the sacrificial dead
Those dedicated souls who.
Offered their lives in war
And were accepted
They were the loved ones,
Of their generation
They are the pride of ours

REMEMBER THEM WITH COMPASSION

Remember them with compassion
And not with jaundiced eye
Remember them with gratitude
For they went to war to die
Remember them with pride
Their honour we must not deny
Remember it’s because of them
We stand beneath a free blue sky

DAWN PATROL

You would find them
Up where the air was thin
And the cold burnt
The wood and canvas kites
Prowled the skies
Searching the clouds below
For the enemy silhouettes
And when sighted below
To attack from the sun
And deliver their chattering death

AUSCHWITZ

Auschwitz in essence
Was a processing plant
Or perhaps more accurately
A recycling plant,
Recycling an abundant commodity,
i.e. lower forms of life,
Into a revenue stream
By stripping the resaleable parts
Clothing, jewelry, hair, teeth
And burning what was left.
A cold and calculated business
Inhumanity on an industrial scale.
So the next time
You cast yesterdays must have device
Into your recyling bin
Just remember the Germans did that with people

MONUMENT

Each faceless name
In neat regimen
Of stone masons text
Is one of the fallen
Long forgotten names
Cut deep into the stone
Marking the sacrifice
Of battles Histories
The cold stone sentinel
A poignant reminder

CENOTAPH

Bow your undressed head
Before the cenotaph
A reverent monument
To warriors past
But not to glorify
There tragic loss
But to mark the moment
And count the cost

HALLOWEEN TALES

THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 1

The most comfortably fat
Old black witch’s cat
Is often known to take a nap
In her black pointed hat

AT THE WITCHING HOUR

At the Witching hour
The Zombies walk
The Banshees scream
And the Ravens squawk
The Witches’ fly
The familiar’s talk
The Vampires bite
And the Demons stalk

LITTLE MONSTERS

Little monsters in costumes
Looking for candy treats
Terrorizing the neighbours
All along the street

They prey on young or old
To satisfy their appetites
Treats are handed over
To creatures of the night

With their goody bags
Full of every candy treat
They can’t wait to get home
Before they start to eat

Then when the bags are empty
They realise their mistake
They’ve eaten so much candy
They’ve all got stomach ache


WITCHNAPPED

On her broomstick she swoops
And into her arms she scoops
A poor unsuspecting young man
Because as a witch she can
And carries him off through the night
Then uses him for her delight
In the light of the cauldrons fire
She indulges her every desire

THE LITTLE BEWITCHER

She is a little bewitcher
The little servant of Wicca
Who has ensnared my heart
Which I opposed from the start
I was happy being single
But she has made my senses tingle
And she used her Wiccan ways
Against all resistance raised
It is not some fanciful notion
To blame an exotic potion
Or the casting of a spell
To bewitch me quite so well
Now she bends me too her will
And gently holds me still
Then this little Wiccan miss
Captures my soul with her kiss

MY LITTLE WICKED WITCH AND I

My little wicked witch and I
Love to fly across the night sky
And travel to special places
Where no one knows our faces
Where door with bolt and lock
Ensures, Witch and Warlock
Can scratch their every itch
And a Warlock and a Witch
Can safely enjoy a little sin
Without familiars listening in

DREAM WITCH

There is a witch of whom I’m fond
Who could carry me off beyond
And we’d do magic with my wand

We would quaff her special brew
Fly on a broomstick made for two
And do things naughty witches do

But alas our special tandem flight
Full of wicked and delicious delight
Is but a dream I dream each night

THE WITCHING HOUR

On All Hallows Eve take special care
You may not see them but they are there
And as they mix up their witches brew
They’ll have their witchy eyes on you

IN THE BLACKNESS OF THE NIGHT

In the blackness of the night
Performing their satanic rite
Satan’s followers incite
To every Demons delight

DEMONS WALK THE EARTH

Demons walk the earth
On All Hallows Eve
And will snatch away
Your soul at their ease


PHANTASM

What is that ghostly apparition?
Is that ghostly figure a Phantasm?
Come to haunt and terrorise us?
No it’s the kid from next door, Adam

THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 2

The old black witch’s cat
Has nothing much to do
He’s a sleepy old familiar
Oddly named Witchitypoo
He is quite partial to a mouse
Should one happen into view
But he doesn’t stir himself
For he never has to pursue
There is no thought of chasing
And no need to bite and chew
For with a flick of his paw
A spell is cast by Witchitypoo
And then he leisurely dines
On a tasty mouse stew

HARE COURSING

On the whole,
No pun intended,
It was a pleasant day
On the Golf course
The sun was warm
The wind was light
The golf was
A mixture of the sublime
And the ridiculous
A day of ups and downs
As my scorecard testified
But the par 4 15th
Was a different story
I had hit a crisp drive
From the elevated tee
And away it flew
Straight down the middle
As Bing once sang
It landed just short of the dog leg
Kicked to the right
And rolled perfectly round the turn
After such a shot
You feel ten feet tall
As you stride down the fairway
And I felt every inch of it
When I reached my ball
I found it sitting up invitingly
And with an unhindered path to the green
I had a birdie chance.
Slightly ahead and to the right
A rather large Rabbit,
Was enjoying the afternoon sun
Blissfully unaware of what was to come
I selected my club
And addressed the ball
“Just hit it straight”
I told myself
I swung the club towards the ball
In a perfect ark
But I must have lifted my head
Because there was and ugly contact
And the ball sliced away
In the direction of the Rabbit
Now had he just stayed still
He would have lived
But alas at the sound of the sliced contact
The Rabbit leapt vertically in the air
Straight into the path of the ball
And died instantly
Now looking back I could have claimed
That the Rabbit put me off
But it didn’t really
If the ball had followed its path
I would have been out of bounds
So the Rabbit sacrificed himself
To save my par

SHE LOOKS LIKE THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

She looks like the girl next door,
Well my interpretation anyway,
And for me she literally is
The girl next door
The studious Rebecca
Full of cleverness
The only child of the Coopers
Now the studious orphan Rebecca
The bookish girl next door
A homely girl though
In the unpretentious sense
Certainly not plain,
But rather understated
She is unworldly
In as much as the temporal world
Holds no sway for her
Rebecca is an attractive girl
Though not in any obvious way
Dressed casually, always
Mousy hair worn indistinctly
She has never been flash, quirky
Or groundbreaking
No its homespun sweaters
And supermarket jeans
Not exactly the height of fashion
But not dowdy nor frumpy
Unlike most of the world
I look beneath the homespun
As I have all my life
But no one else sees Rebecca
Alas she does not see me
The bookish girl next door
She has her heroes of fiction
How could I compete?
With Ahab or Hornblower
Copperfield or Darcy

ANONYMOUS ANGEL HIDDEN FROM VIEW

I saw you this morning
As I walked to work
You were a little in front of me,
For part of the way,
And you fell beneath my gaze.
I noticed your feet first,
Clad in sporting wear
Your shoes were sexless,
Indeterminate in gender
The only distinguishing feature
Was that they were small, But that was all.
Your black trousers were baggy
And gave nothing away
As was your sweatshirt
Which was large, long and grey,
Reaching down to cover your bum
Your brown hair was medium length
Of no particular style
So could have been masculine or feminine.
Had the necessity not arisen
For you to reach into your back pocket
I would not have noticed
The shape of your buttocks
The movement of which,
As you walked, gave you away
You were most definitely a girl
As I got closer the wind moved your hair
And through the fine brunette strands
I glimpsed in the delicate lobe
A simple feminine stud in your ear.
You continued walking head down
Watching your sexless feet
Afraid to look the world in the eye
Or afraid the world would notice you?
Either one might be true
I was level with you as we reached the kerb
And you looked up in my direction
To check if the road was clear
And I glimpsed your face,
A pretty face, a lovely face,
Briefly our eyes met
Beautiful soft blue eyes
But I could not hold your gaze
And you looked back at your feet
Withdrawing again into your shell
But I know you’re in there now
So tomorrow morning
I will look for you again

WAR AND REMEMBERANCE

WAR AND REMEMBERANCE
MONUMENT

Each faceless name
In neat regimen
Of stone masons text
Is one of the fallen
Long forgotten names
Cut deep into the stone
Marking the sacrifice
Of battles Histories
The cold stone sentinel
A poignant reminder

FLT LT RUPERT “TINY” COOLING 1920 - 2010

Time to scramble Tiny
Up into the blue
Up above your ceiling
To once more join your crew

Look lively there Rupert
Fly on, fly on
Up above your ceiling
Rejoin the squadron

CENOTAPH

Bow your undressed head
Before the cenotaph
A reverent monument
To warriors past
But not to glorify
There tragic loss
But to mark the moment
And count the cost

THE GOOD OLD WIMPY

Pilots loved to fly
The Vickers Wellington
From take off
To the end of the mission
And the final approach
When the trusty Wellington
Almost landed itself
When you cut ignition
It just let you down
Like a babe on a cushion

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER CUFFLEY

With the RFC he flew
Over the country that he knew
Defending against the Zeppelin
Flying in the air so thin
Then in 1916 in the dark of night
He attacked an airship in flight
Amidst machine guns chattering sound
He brought the beast to ground
The first of his kind to do the deed
To attack a Zeppelin and succeed
The first Zeppelin kill in British skies
Robinson victorious after many tries

Flt Lt William Leefe Robinson VC
(14 July 1895 – 31 December 1918)

ROYAL FLYING CORPS – WINGS OVER FRANCE # 1

1917 with the RFC he flew
Leaving behind the land he knew
To fly against the superior Hun
When his squadron was undone
By Jasta 11, The Red Barons flight
Leaving the British four planes light
Wounded and captured on the floor
That was the end of Robinson’s war

Flt Lt William Leefe Robinson VC
(14 July 1895 – 31 December 1918)

FLT LT WILLIAM LEEFE ROBINSON VC
(14 JULY 1895 – 31 DECEMBER 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But by the Spanish flu

ROYAL NAVAL AIR SERVICE - WINGS OVER GHENT

1915 in the RNAS he flew
When a Zeppelin came into view
In the skies over Ghent
So in hot pursuit he went
Taking heavy machine gun fire
Warneford quickly climbed higher
To take up position over head
Where soon the sky turned red
Where the bombs he dropped
Saw the Zeppelin stopped
Exploding in a ball of fire
Blowing Warneford up higher
Overturning the attacking plane
Stopping its engine,which wouldn’t start again
So he had to land on enemy soil
And in the darkness quickly toil
To restart the engins and get on his way
So he could fight another day

Flt Lt Reginald Alexander John Warneford VC
(15 October 1891 – 17 June 1915)

FLT LT REGINALD ALEXANDER JOHN WARNEFORD VC
(15 OCTOBER 1891 – 17 JUNE 1915)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the patrols alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a flying accident
When the wings folded
On a new kite
During a test flight

ROYAL FLYING CORPS - WINGS OVER FRANCE # 2

With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
One of Britain’s flying aces
Shooting them down in braces
Flying in the sky so free
His tally numbered 73

Major Edward Corringham "Mick" Mannock VC, DSO & Two Bars, MC & Bar (May 24, 1887 – July 26, 1918)

ROYAL FLYING CORPS – WINGS OVER FRANCE # 3

With the RFC he flew
Over where the ill wind blew
Defending the skies from the Hun
Flying where battle was done
One of Britain’s flying aces
Shooting them down in braces
Flying so close to heaven
His tally numbered 57

Flt Commander James Thomas Byford McCudden VC, DSO & Bar, MC & Bar, MM
(28 March 1895–9 July 1918)

MAJOR EDWARD CORRINGHAM "MICK" MANNOCK VC, DSO & TWO BARS, MC & BAR
(MAY 24, 1887 – JULY 26, 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Against Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
When helping a new arrival
Achieve his first kill
He broke his own golden rule
And followed the stricken foe
To see it crash
And was shot down
By ground fire

Major Edward Corringham "Mick" Mannock VC, DSO & Two Bars, MC & Bar (May 24, 1887 – July 26, 1918)

FLT COMMANDER JAMES THOMAS BYFORD MCCUDDEN VC, DSO & BAR, MC & BAR, MM
(28 MARCH 1895–9 JULY 1918)

Valiantly he fought
Again Zeppelins
And the Red Baron alike
A young man,
In the prime of life
Died an ironic death
Not taken by the bullet
Or by the bomb
But in a flying accident
When the engine failed
While flying a new plane
To his new command

SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS

SELF DISCIPLINED

I don’t need stimulation
Of any kind
Because I have simply
Trained my mind
To flick a switch
If I need to perform
A simple “click”
And I have the horn
I can get an erection
With a single thought
I consider myself
To be self taut

PRETTY LITTLE MARY

Pretty little Mary
Lives on the prairie
And works in the dairy
Her routine doesn’t vary

Pretty little Mary
Skips like a fairy
Sings like a canary
But is cautiously wary

Pretty little Mary
Is on the contrary
Really rather hairy
And a little bit scary

THE WIDOW’S MITE

The Vicar’s sermon
Frank and forthright
Raised the question
Of the widows mite

Quite unnecessary
In my humble view
Because in our parish
There are only two
And I know for a fact
That they both do

LOVE POEMS

WHEN I SAY

When I say, "I love you", I mean it.
Look into my eyes and believe it
Look into my heart and feel it

I BELIEVE IN SOUL MATES

I believe in soul mates
Whom you can sense long before
They come into sight
I believe mine is close

I BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

I believe in love at first sight
That precious moment
When two people meet their match
Like a key and a lock
Coming together in synchronicity
And the abiding love
Both deep and passionate
That can be unlocked

I AM DEFINITELY READY TO SAY IT

I am definitely ready to say it
I hope she is ready to hear it
How will she take it, who knows?
I take a deep breath and here goes
I stutter and I stammer thru
She said “I know and I love you too”

NONSENSE POEMS

NONSENSE POEMS
NONSENSICAL # 5

The hand on the knee
No the bland of the tea
Or the stand of the tree
The gland of the pea
Or the band of the free
No the sand of the flea
The brand of the ski
No it’s the Land of the Free

NONSENSICAL # 6

The spa wrangled planner
No the Tsar bangled tanner
The bra strangled Hannah
Or the scar dangled manor
The car mangled spanner
Or the bar tangled scanner
No it’s the Star Spangled Banner

NONSENSICAL # 7

You can take a horse to water
But you can’t teach it to suck eggs
Do unto others before their death
Every dog has a silver lining
Every cloud has his day
Glass houses make jack a dull boy
A bird in the hand is a penny earned
A new broom sweeps many a slip
All roads lead to the stable door
Caesar's wife begins at home
Don't throw the baby out with grandma

MARRIAGE HUMOUR

MY PASTIME

My pastime is, that I like to Fish
I’d do it all the time if I got my wish
But my wife hates me doing it
And she wants me to stop doing it
I say to her it’s just my hobby
She says its just plain nobby
I say potato she says potaeto
I say tomato she says tomaeto
I say it’s just an innocent passtime
She says next time should be the last time
I say it is about the quiet peace
She says it has to cease
I say it’s appreciating the stillness
She say it’s a mental illness
She says I need to get a life
I thing I just need a different wife

I KNOW WITH CERTAINTY

I know with certainty
That nine times out of ten
When in my house
Something is broken
Or just malfunctioning
I know before I see it
The probability is
One of my kids did it
And the 10 percent of times
They are off the hook
Then I know who to blame
By my wife’s guilty look

NIGHTIE NIGHT

I was feeling fruity last night
But my wife wasn’t in the mood
She said she was too tired
For doing anything rude

But I was still feeling fruity
So I pleaded for her to succumb
Finally she said “ok”,
“Pull my nightie down when you’re done”

MY WIFE IS MAD YET

My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up

But to add insult onto injury
Which left me upset
I was the one who hadn’t
Even been to sleep yet

VARIOUS HUMOUR

SOME OF THEM

Some make you cringe
Some drive you mad
Some make you freeze
Some scare you bad

Some are enormous
Some are minute
Some are horrendous
Some are quite cute

Some of them jump
Some cause a rash
Some make a buzz
Some make you dash

Some make you itch
Some make you sick
Some kill you slow
Some kill you quick

Some of them bite
Some of them crawl
Some are big
Some are small
But what they share
Is that insects appal
I have to be honest
I hate them all

BAGS OF SACKS

What sacks should I use?
In the garden?
Should I use plastic?
Or maybe Hessian?

I’m not sure I care
To be quite factual
I suppose it’s because
I am bi-sacksual

A BASIC FACT

A fact remains a fact
Its logic remains intact
Its basic premice is unflawed
Even if the fact is ignored

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote
“The pen is mightier than the sword”
This is indeed, a fine sentiment.
That we should heartily applaud
But when faced with machine gun fire
I fear the proposition is flawed

THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE

I was driving to work this morning
It was just as the day was dawning
And I noticed a parked up AA van
And next to it was a crying man
But properly weeping and wailing
Down on his knees with arms flailing
I just shook my head with a frown
I knew he was headed for a breakdown

HOLIDAY RELATED HUMOUR

BATHING DRESS

When the bikini replaced the bathing suit
They were brief, but also rather chic
But the briefness was, nonetheless,
Still sufficient to cover both cheeks

DON’T GO IN THE WATER

I don’t like swimming in the sea
I don’t care what you say it’s not for me
Its not that I’m scared of sharks or eels
Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels
It’s not even because of stone fish stings
Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings
You may think my phobia quite absurd
But I can’t be swimming along with a turd

BEFORE AND AFTER AT THE SALON

Before

Well you look a little sallow
Right down to the marrow
What you need is a drop of sun
In a bottle I have the very one
Just go into the salon
And you can put some colour on

After

Well my dear fellow
You’ve gone a little yellow
I think a touch too much
In fact much too much
Of the prescribed fake tan
How will you pay Mr Marzipan?

FAMILY HUMOUR

THE LOST WEEKEND

Oh what calamity did befall?
What an embarrassment for us all
We over imbibed on Saturday night
And awoke on Sunday none to bright
On the porch the paper lay unread
We couldn’t face it and went back to bed
So next morning which was Monday
We found the paper and thought it was Sunday
So we had a relaxing fun day
Not realising it was really Monday
On Tuesday when I returned to work
I really felt a proper berk
My boss had a true blue fit
And saw no humour at all in it
And verbally assailed me with his rancour
Then he called me a total fool

MY DEAR OLD MOTHER

My dear old mother
Recently passed away
But it came to my attention
Only the other day
That she was in fact killed
By a “Mrs A”

VEGETUS # 3

My son has announced
His intent to take the pledge
To give up eating meat
He has given to allege
But I don’t know what he’ll eat
As he doesn’t eat veg

PEARL’S A SINGER

Pearl's a singer,
She stands up,
When she plays the piano
In a night club

Pearl has a sister,
She really pongs
And that’s why she’s lonely
Her job was entertaining folks,
Singing songs and telling jokes
In a nightclub

Shirl’s her sister, and they say,
That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless
Shirls's a minger, and they say,
That she once had a shower
They said it was about a year a go
When she succumbed to the B.O.
It was rancid

Shirl’s a minger
She stands out
Coz she won’t lose the BO
In a bath tub

VARIOUS HUMOUR

THE NEWS OF THE WORLD

The News of the World
Oh the irony is sweet
The news of the screws
That tawdry scandal sheet

Hoisted on its own petard
Because of its crime
They have become their papers
Biggest scandal of all time

REAR OF THE YEAR 2011

In the Rear of the Year
Lovely Pippa Middleton
Was pipped at the post
By Carol Vorderman
Clearly those concerned
Prefer rear end of mutton

J. WELLINGTON WIMPY

J. Wellington Wimpy,
One of Popeye’s crowd,
Had an appetite for burgers
Of which he was proud
He’d eat them thru the show
Munching on them loud
And that was way back
When amongst the TV crowd
Product placement
Wasn’t even allowed

ROTY 2011

It is such a travesty
Of a decision I fear
Carol Vorderman
Winning Rear of the Year

But I wonder if Pippa
Gives a damn
That the voters
Prefer mutton to lamb

SENIOR HUMOUR

SENIOR COURTING

I have met a woman online
A fellow silver surfer
We had a date last night
And I really fancied her

But it’s been too many years
And I couldn’t satisfy her
I think I’m suffering
From penile dementia

SENIOR NETWORKING

A young lady I met in the street
Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?
I answered, “No, of course not
But I have to say I do trump a lot.”

LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS

At my age I can safely say
I do not need more gizmo’s
Labour saving thingamajigs
And gadgetry so-and-sos
The garage door opener
And the TV remote
With those two things
I can just about cope
And I sometimes find
Though they are useful
I get them mixed up
To be quite truthful

STAYING ATTRACTIVE

It seems to me that a man in his middle years
Is rendered more attractive, almost immediately,
To the opposite sex, if found to be wealthy
And/or he is a well known TV celebrity

A Bit Of Lust

MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 08

My thoughts are sinful
And the image I see
Is of you in disgrace
For being naughty
A very naughty girl
Bent across my knee
Your bare bottom
Exposed to me
Being soundly spanked
That’s the image I see

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 1

I think that down below you are bare
You have nothing on down there
There are things you’re not wearing
And I think you’re incredibly daring
But should the temperature turn ill
And you feel in danger of a chill
Fear not for I will execute my plans
And rescue you with my warm hands

THE HOLD OUT

You are so cute and fit
But you don’t seem up for it
Is there a reason you won’t play
Do you swing the other way?
Are you playing hard to get
Or haven’t met the “one” yet
It will take more than charmers
To get into your pyjama’s
Because I think for a start
They must get into your heart

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 2

You’ve gone commando haven’t you?
Don’t shake your head I know its true
That blushing vividly betrays you
And that’s only one of many clues
I have a clinical eye for what I peruse
And I can see dandruff on your shoes

NOBODY IS PERFECT

Do I care she’s not a perfect 10?
I’m really not that fickle
To be honest any bit of fluff
Gives me a trouser tickle

SOME LIKE A GIRL

Some like a girl
Blessed with a certain glamour
Some like a girl
Who uses proper grammar
Some just want one
That bangs like a hammer

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 3

When no undies you are wearing
You think yourself quite daring
Excersizing your Joie de vivre
As you wander wild and free
And it’s so exciting for me to think
Of fresh air blowing around your mink


YOU ARE A GIRL

You are a girl
Who attracts and enamours
You may not mean to
But still every man clamours
For the opportunity
To get in your jammers

THE COMMANDO GIRL # 4

When no undies you are wearing
Your undercarriage gets an airing
And I will not look on in disgust
Should your skirt be lifted by a gust
When the wind gets a little brisker
And all and sundry see some whisker
I shall be the one who stood and leered
At your well aerated little beard

ARE YOU WEARING?

ARE YOU WEARING A BRA?

Are you wearing a bra?
It doesn’t look as if you are
I think underneath your shirt
Your breasts are free and pert
And clearly if they are
Then you don’t need to wear a bra

ARE YOU WEARING UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing underwear?
Or are you naked under there
Have you gone commando?
Oh I really do hope that’s so
I like to think you are bare
Walking around sans underwear

ARE YOU WEARING A BODY STOCKING?

Are you wearing a body stocking?
Something chic, sheer and shocking
Sexy all in one and figure hugger
I bet your bum still looks like a mugger

ARE YOU WEARING BLACK?

Are you wearing black?
Yes it’s a funeral I know
But underneath the garb
Is that all black also?

No, it’s not irreverent
Picturing you in lacy black
There was no bigger letch
Than your dead uncle Jack

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING?

Are you wearing anything?
When you hear the phone ring
And do you reach for a negligee
Or are you comfortable that way
I know that when I give you a call
I want you to wear nothing at all
So when next you hear it ring
Please don’t be wearing anything

ARE YOU WEARING LONG UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing long underwear?
Something with its own trap door
Well no matter how good they look on you
I’d like to see them on my bedroom floor

ARE YOU WEARING ANYTHING AT ALL?

Are you wearing anything at all?
When you make a phone call
From your big desk in the study
Do you sit there in the nuddy
I certainly pictured you that way
When you called me the other day

ARE YOU WEARING PANTS?

Are you wearing pants?
And if you are, are they brief
Or thongs with high cut leg
That barely covers your underneath

ARE YOU WEARING SILK?

Are you wearing silk?
Against your luscious skin
Beneath that pretty dress
Are you dressed for sin?
Garments of sensual silk
How I crave to be within

ARE YOU WEARING SILK, SATIN OR LACE?

Are you wearing silk?
Or perhaps satin and lace
Or maybe you’re wearing nothing
If so you are a disgrace
You’re not wearing any, are you?
I can tell by that blush on your face
I doubt anyone else would suspect
With not a hair out of place
No one would suspect
With that innocent look on your face
But I know you are a commando girl
And I want to share in your disgrace

ARE YOU WEARING LACE?

Are you wearing lace?
To decorates that place
I can’t tell from your face
There is no hint or trace
I think black lace does grace
Your fine pert brace
Oh my thoughts are base
And that image I can’t erase
Of the garments of lace
That cover and encase

ARE YOU WEARING BIG KNICKERS?

Are you wearing big knickers?
Those good old fashioned drawers
That cover everything that matters
But are still the source of phwors

ARE YOU WEARING A VEST?

Are you wearing a vest?
Fitting snugly to your chest
Well it’s about your vests cosy fit,
I’d like to come twixt you and it

ARE YOU WEARING JUST A SMILE?

Are you wearing just a smile?
Beneath your uniform all the while
Though outwardly well uniformed
You stand there unadorned
Beneath your starchy exterior
You are naked front and rear
Nurse, nurse check my breeches
I’m about to pop my stitches

ARE YOU WEARING A BASQUE?

Are you wearing a Basque?
Is it a black one may I ask
Do you have a matching mask
And will you take me to task

ARE YOU WEARING TIGHTS?

Are you wearing tights?
Or do you call them Pantyhose?
Maybe later I will find out
We’ll have to see how it goes

ARE YOU WEARING ANY UNDIES?

Are you wearing any undies?
Beneath your Christmas gear
You had them when you left the house
Perhaps you should explain my dear

ARE YOU WEARING THERMALS?

Are you wearing thermals?
To keep all your bits nice and cosy
Fitting from neck and wrists
All the way down to your toesies
I’m sure it’s a sight worth seeing
I wouldn’t mind a good nosy

ARE YOU WEARING SUSPENDERS?

Are you wearing suspenders?
One of my favourite seven wonders
That miracle of engineering
Both practical and endearing
Oh what a ransom I would pay
If you would kindly see your way
To show the smallest glimpse of thigh
That would be most pleasing to my eye

ARE YOU WEARING CAMI KNICKERS?

Are you wearing cami knickers?
Why does that provoke snickers?
I like the roomy French lingerie
Are you wearing them Môn Cheri?
Oh how they elegantly flatter
And the colour doesn’t even matter
I don’t care if they’re silk or cotton
But tell me that you have them on

ARE YOU WEARING POP SOCKS?

Are you wearing pop socks?
The thought of it really rankles
Those little black stocking socks
Cutting into your chubby ankles

ARE YOU WEARING A SHEEPDOG BRA?

Are you wearing a sheepdog bra?
Don’t answer I can see that you are
Because the rounded up confections
Are pointed in the right direction

ARE YOU WEARING A TEDDY?

Are you wearing a teddy?
Does that mean you’re ready?
For a spot of bedroom play
If you are you just have to say
Please tell me that you are
Awaiting me in your boudoir

ARE YOU WEARING SEXY GARTERS?

Are you wearing sexy garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there lacy garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing lacy garters?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 219

Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November;
But the rest of the rhyme
I can never remember

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 220

A farmer went trotting
Upon his grey mare,
Bumpety, bumpety, bump!
With his daughter behind him
So buxom and fair,
BUMPETY, BUMPETY, BUMP!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 221

Cackle, cackle, Mother Goose,
Have you any feathers loose?
Of course I have you silly fellow,
They’ve been plucking me for a pillow

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 222

Cross Patch, draw the latch,
Sit by the fire and spin;
Fill a cup, and drink it up,
And don’t let your neighbours in.

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 223

Little Nancy Etticote,
In a white petticoat,
And long knickers;
She said she’d show him
For a bite of his Snickers

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 224

Poor old Robinson Crusoe!
How he does miss you so
But plenty of men in the port
And not the sentimental sort
Poor old Robinson Crusoe!
She really doesn’t miss you so

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 225

There was an old woman
Called nothing-at-all,
Which made it quite difficult
To get her a passport

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 226

There was an old woman,
As I've heard tell,
She went to market
With Her eggs to sell;

She went to market
All on a very hot day,
And the eggs were spoiled
So she couldn’t give them away

FIFA

Guardians of the game,
Holders of the purse strings
The doers of deals
Honest as the day is…..

On the other hand

Financially
Incongruous
Finagling
Acquiescence

Guardians of the game,
Well respected,
Famed for their integrity
Their stewardship and
Honest endeavour

On the other hand

Few
In
Football
Agree

The beautiful game,
Is the life blood
Coursing through their veins
These guardians,
These stewards and rule makers
It fills their every waking moment

On the other hand
They actually think

Football
Is interesting
For
About a minute

Guardians of the game,
Holders of the purse strings
The doers of deals
Honest as the day is…..

On the other hand
They are

First
In
For
All the dosh

The beautiful game,
Is the life blood
Coursing through their veins
These guardians,
These stewards and rule makers
It fills their every waking moment

On the other hand
They are:

Frauds
Interested in
Football
A little

NATURE

RUDDY MALLARD

Ruddy Mallard
Ruddy Duck
Ruddy complexioned
Ruddy birdwatchers

SUCCUMBING

Though a cool day
The spring sunshine,
Was hot through the glass
And combined with the wine
And an excellent lunch
It wouldn’t be long methinks
Before I slowly succumbed
To the long blinks

PERVADING SCENTS

Drifting on the breeze
Pervading scents of nature
Tell the summer tale

TALES OF THE RIVERBANK

A bee sipping nectar from a flower
A sparrow sipping dew from a leaf
A butterfly on his way to somewhere
Pays us a visit but it was only brief

A duck quacks out on the water
And we hear a Kingfisher splash
An elegant swan glides effortlessly by
And the dragonfly makes a dash

ODDS AND SODS

1984

In 1984
The world changed
Irrevocably
It became darker
More foreboding
Not in an Orwellian way
But the sun was cooler
The wind sharper
The future more uncertain
That was 1984 for me
Because in the space
Of just a few short weeks
Tommy and Eric died

TOMMY AND ERIC

Tommy Cooper
And Eric Morecambe
Were funny men
Not vulgar
Or foul mouthed
Not forced or contrived
Just naturally funny men
Who made you laugh
Just by walking on to the stage
In fact thinking about them
Has just made me smile

SHAMELESS SHAZZA

We must pay her now
A King’s ransom
A sum in the millions
So quite handsome

And for what exactly
Sacking her unfairly?
Or more accurately
For sacking her too early

She’ll take the money
Without a thought for Peter
For shameless Shazza
Thinks she’s the victim

CRISIS? WHAT IS A CRISIS?

The FIFA barons
Just keep getting fatter
The fattest of all are
Warner and Blatter
And despite revelations
And newspaper chatter
The president contends
It’s an internal matter

AUSCHWITZ

Auschwitz in essence
Was a processing plant
Or perhaps more accurately
A recycling plant,
Recycling an abundant commodity,
i.e. lower forms of life,
Into a revenue stream
By stripping the resaleable parts
Clothing, jewelry, hair, teeth
And burning what was left.
A cold and calculated business
Inhumanity on an industrial scale.
So the next time
You cast yesterdays must have device
Into your recyling bin
Just remember the Germans did that with people

POLYHYMNIA

Versatile Polyhymnia
Muse of singing
Muse of mime
And of sacred dancing

START TO FINISH

Start to finish
Beginning to end
Dawn till dusk
Weekday to weekend
Young to old
Forever my friend

A LONG WALK WITH GOD

SIMPLE FAITH

Faith is a very simple thing
Between you and your God King
Don’t let the legion of Clergy
Over complicate by liturgy
The church do not own our Deity
God is inherent in the laity

UNDER THE BLUE AND SUNNY SKY

Under the blue and sunny sky
I open my heart and sing
In praise to the heavenly father
For the beauty of the morning
And raise up my hands in worship
Of my one true God and King

GODS DEVOTEES

You will find in any holy place
Every up turned face
Of the congregation there
With the power of prayer
Can achieve both great and small
With faith and prayer is all
A fellowship on their knees
A family of Gods devotees

TRUST IN HIM

Trust in Him each day
He is dependable always
Trust Him to guide you
He will always be with you

Keep Him in your heart
You are never far apart
Pray in the bad times
Praise in the good times

Trust in Him each day
He is dependable always

THE WORD

You will find comfort
In His Holy Word
It is still relevant today
The Bible isn’t absurd

You will find no better
In any modern tome
Read His word abroad
Read His word at home

MY LIFELONG FRIEND

My Lord Jesus Christ is with me
He has been my lifelong friend
And when he walks beside you
On the saviour you can depend
Jesus was there at my beginning
And He will be there at my end

THE BUSBY BABESS A TALE OF HEROES

A TALE OF HEROES

Young heroes returning
From a far off foreign field
With hard fought victory won
Where the valiant refused to yield

Like heroes from Homers Iliad
Exalted in the legends
But in the Germanic snows
The heroes journey ends

As the Gods of winter struck
Fire and ice took its toll
And the names were duly writ
Upon an eternal honour roll

Geoff Bent, Roger Byrne (Capt)
Duncan Edwards, Billy Whelan
David Pegg, Tommy Taylor
Mark Jones and Eddie Colman

THE SURVING BABES OF MUNICH

Morgans and Blanchflower
Never played again
Some played to soon
Some could never play the same

Some were cast aside
Some fullfilled there destiny
But none were unscathed
After the tradgedy

Those who remained
Of the team Busby built
All survived the horror
But lived with the guilt

THE BUSBY BABES REPLAYED

The Busby Babes were sublime
The best by far in their time
And when eight of their number
Went to their eternal slumber
They went straight to heaven
To join St Peters first XI

THE BUSBY BABES

The young lads played the game
The Busby Babes was their name
Though they played like magic
They embraced tragedy in Munich
Their plane crashing in the snow
The wreckage burning all aglow
Eigth of their magnificent number
Would not see another summer

JIMMY MURPHY 6TH FEBRUARY 1958

In those brief moments,
Jimmy was happy,
On top of the world.
He had reached the pinnacle
Wales in the World Cup Finals
United in the European semis
Life was good
Life was very good indeed

Then the news came
Of a crash in the snow
And suddenly
Life wasn’t so good.
Information,
Patchy at first
Trickled in,
Not all reliable
Miss information
Spread like the plague,
Then the facts emerged
From amongst the fictions
So many dead
So many lost
And for the living
Life would never be the same

Jimmy blamed himself
For being so smug
For being so happy
For being alive

MANCHESTER UNITED DARKEST HOUR

Broken in he twisted wreckage
The victims of Munics winter carnage
Crashing in the snow and ice
There would have to be a fearful price
And when the bill was finally reckoned
Deaths reaper grimly beckoned
Towards the twenty three poor souls
That appeared on his fearsome rolls
Young men cut down in their prime
Older ones who thought they’d more time
Were all taken from that grissly place
To feel the breath of heaven on their face
Taking the souls who died in the snow
To where the innocents and the heroes go

Love Collection # 9

UNITY

Being together
Without words,
Thoughts trancend
The empty silence
To find balance
In perfect union,
A comfortable congress

MY LOVE IS FOREVER

My love is forever
For even if we part
You will never
Completely leave my heart

BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS TRUE

Because my love for you is true
There is nothing I won’t do for you
Except for this one small thing
Which is that I won’t do nothing

I SHOULD HAVE TRIED MUCH HARDER

I should have tried much harder
Looking back upon that day
I should have fought for you
I should have tried every way

You were the very best of me
Around you my heart lightend
In your presence I walked on air
Around you my spirits brightened

I lost myself in my own conceit
I was consumed by self obsession
I stopped seeing you as precious
And treated you like my possession

I should have tried much harder
On that day so very long ago
I should have fought for you
Instead I ran away and let you go

A BOOK ON THE SHELF

A book on the shelf
Passed by, passed over
Rejected by browsers
Ignored by casual trade
Over looked by readers of discernment
Often handled but never understood
A book on the shelf
Unwanted and unappreciated
Unloved and forlorn waits patiently
For that one special wordsmith
Who will see the small tome
Among the vast bibliotheca
And admire the cover,
The quality of the fabric
Its exquisite binding
He will handle the book
Feel its weight and worth in one carress
And will appreciate its quality.
When he turns the pages
He will engage with the contents
Understanding its language
Each perfect word on each pristine page
This will be a story of such worth
When the wordsmith finds
This book on the shelf

I WALK ON EGGS

I walk on eggs
To protect the fragile peace
I try to be invisible
As I dread your displeasure so
But even in the midst
Of such an uneasy peace
I fear your rejection
For being invisible is still better
Than not being there at all

THE FIRST TIME I TOUCHED YOU

The first time I touched you,
Beckoned by temptation
Was a magical experience
Even in my clumsy seduction
My tender advances met
With spine tingling response
And in a bloodless loving coup
I broke down your sconce

ELAINE

I remember the first time
That I saw Elaine
Just one look
And I was smitten
But I couldn’t speak to her
I just watched
And admired
She caught me looking
Once or twice
And she smiled
Her smile was nice
But I looked away embarrassed
The last time she suddenly got up
And to my utter dismay
She was coming my way
I though she would have a go
About me staring
But no she said “hello”
And told me her name
Then for the longest time
She just looked at me
As I stuttered and stammered
Then she kissed me

IN MY FANTASY

In my fantasy
You bring me ecstasy
In my actuality
I crave your sensuality
So it would seem
I must live in my dream

APPLE OF MY EYE

You are the apple of my eye
Sitting seductively silent
I seem to feel lust and love
Almost in equal measure
Your mere existence
Has brightened my being
And stirred my soul
And awakened feelings
Long buried
But after the lust evapourates
The love will remain
A more tangible emotion
So let us make memories
That we can treasure

LOVE CONQUERS ALL?

Who ever said
“Love conquers all”
Obviously hadnt met you
Normal rules seem not to apply
I surrendered my heart
I bared my soul
All to no avail
You just used me
Then cast me aside
So I am once again alone

DECENT PROPOSAL

The traditional way
Is now rather passé
And may have had its day
But I will ask thee
While on bended knee
If thou wilt marry me

GRACE

When I saw her
I fell in love with Grace
Though her reputation
Was as a straight lace
But I didn’t see that
At all in her face
I went and asked “Would
You dance with me Grace”
She said she would
“But nothing fast paced”
So I placed my hand
On the curve of her waist
And pulled her towards me
And though she was chaste
She didn’t pull away
Or repell my haste
So I danced the next dance
With the beautiful Grace
And the one after that
With a smile on my face
We left the dance floor
With fingers interlaced
On the day I placed my hand
On the curve of her waist
Was the day I fell in love
And my life was Graced

SMOULDERING

Smouldering looks
Flaming desire,
Lustful tinglings
And passionate fire
Eager anticipation
Tantalisingly relishing
Adds to the fatasy
For later embellishing

EXTRAORDINARY GIRL

For a young girl,
Well compared to me,
You have done something
Extraordinary to me
You have warmed my cold heart
You have cleansed my unclean soul
You have instilled purpose
Where there was none
Out of despair I now have hope
You have laid the ghosts of my past
So I now have a future

RHYTHMIC LIFE

I have a life with rhythm
And clarity of purpose
That defines me perfectly
And that clear rhymic life
Is your great gift to me
A gift given before God
When we joined in matrimony
The depth of our union
And the depth of our love
Will not easily be bested

A PERFECT DAY

A perfect day
Spent with you
The two of us
That’s my view
No one else
Just us two
A perfect day
Spent with you

VULGARLY HUMEROUS # 2

TOP OF THE LINE

Toward little ones I incline
Your little breasts are fine
As sweet as cherry wine
Your threepennys are klein

Toward little ones I incline
Small by natures design
Beautiful when you’re supine
For your little breasts I pine

Toward little ones I incline
Disappearing when you recline
Your nakedness I love to entwine
And your little breasts are mine

Toward little ones I incline
The scientists want to refine
I like them little, bottom line
They are the top of the line

THERE IS MORE TO SEX THAN LUST

Sex isn’t just lust
Or a mere coupling
A base fulfilment
Of primeval need
Or secreting pheromones
Its isn’t just mechanical
Or indeed chemical
It isn’t in simple terms
A trigger to be pulled
It isn’t all out of control
Exchanging fluids
And sweaty effort
There is more to sex than that
But I will accept
That it is mainly lust

IN HER LITTLE YELLOW BEETLE

I always used to see her
And wanted to take a trip
In her little yellow beetle
As she cruised the strip

But she never noticed me
Though I hoped one day
In her little yellow beetle
She would drive me away

Then one day out of the blue
She pulled up along side
And said “hello hansome”
And took me off for a ride

Well that was quite a night
That I will never forget
In her little yellow beetle
I had the best ride yet

THEY’RE ON THE MOVE

They’re on the move
Within the silk
They rock and roll
And tip and tilt

So I must reach inside
Your dressing gown
Then I’ll grab on
And hold them down


TOTTERING TOTTIE

Oh my little piece of
Tottering tottie
You really light my fire
You are such a hottie
I think you are easy
Like as nottie

MY PRETTY LITTLE MISSY

My pretty little missy
Let me fumble inside the silk
Of your well filled blouse
Or at least something of that ilk

PLEASE, PLEASE ME

You temp me and tease me
And then displease me
You go cold and freeze me
But then you seize me
Hug me and squeeze me
Not just to appease me
You want me to please, see
And I have expertise see
But you too can please me
And then you reprise me


A HINT OF MINT

On your breath
There is the smell of peppermint
And on your cheek,
Is that a flush?, at least a hint
And a look on your face
Of the guilty kind
You’ve been up to something
I can’t make up my mind
But your misdeamnor is,
Unless my instincts are failing
That you’ve either been
Swallowing or inhaling

ROUGH SILK

Your touch is sexilly silken
Your hands are like gloves of velvet
You’re the greatest lover
You’re the one I’ll never forget

Blah blah blah, enough of the poetry
Just put your hand up my pelmet
We’ve been at it ten minutes
And you havent got my pants off yet

ONCE INSIDE HER CLOTHES

Once inside her clothes
Her vest and bra and such
The roundness of her breasts
Soft yet firm to my touch
And the coarseness of her bush
Excited me very much

RAMBUNCTIOUS

It was noisy and unrestrained
Ill disciplined and bestial
A rambunctious coupling
That was making her squeal

JIM

The most important thing for Jim
Was his admiration of quim
Which surpassed everything for him
In his eternal pursuit of trim

OH OBJECT OF MY DESIRE

Oh object of my desire
An object to deflower
I want you to know
You feed my libido
But I must keep my counsel
And forget the horny damsel
For if her Dad got in my head
I would be surely dead


THE BODY IS A TEMPLE

The body is a temple
And worthy of protection
Its purity is sacred
And is Gods gift of perfection
But for your body I crave
Its complete and utter desecration

POSH TOTTIE

She was posh tottie
Her name was Pandora
She was a throuroghbred
But an easy scorer
She had perfect elocution
But wouldn’t talk dirty
Even if she was drunk
And blatantly flirty
She’d say, put your penis,
In my vagina
And give one, one
You mother fornicator


EVERY WHICH WAY

I fucked her up
I fucked her down
I made her smile
I made her frown
And when I’d tupped
Till I’d shot my lot
I withdrew it
From her slot
Then she took my cock
In her gob
And sucked the cum
Off my knob

SHE WAS A SIREN

She was a siren
She was a vamp
She was a harlot
She was a tramp
She was always hot
She was always damp
And you could turn her on
Like she was a lamp