HUMEROUS POEMS # 1

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 1

Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses
Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses
Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings
These are a few of my least favourite things

PICKUP # 4

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow that dress looks good on you”
You can compliment her
“But laying on my bedroom floor
It would look even better”

CELTIC PRIDE

The Celts are a proud lot
As they’ll tell you like as not
But when the Romans came to stay
The Celts up and ran away
That is exactly what they did
They ran away and hid
And there they stayed on their own
Until the Romans left for home
Then came the Vikings and the Danes
So the Celts ran away again
This noble race mild and meek
Happily playing hide and seek
Well so much for Celtic pride
Nobly running away to hide
Now don’t climb on your high horse
I am a Celt myself of course
And those who run away today
Live to run away another day

A DRIVEN WOMAN

I just got back from the airport
It was a journey of some import
I had to drive the mum in law
Normally a rather onerous chore
But I volunteered this time
And no I had not lost my mind
She was going home hip hip
So it was more of a pleasure trip

HAND HOLDING

I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out
People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not
I hold her hand all the time because I know
That if I let it go she’ll start to shop

PEARL ANNIVERSARY

After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry

MEDICAL MIRACLE

I’ve avoided most diseases
Nature has deployed
But I’m suffering the effects
Of a life well enjoyed
Now I keep twenty doctors
Gainfully employed

WE HAVE A WATER BED

We have a water bed at home
It was a birthday gift for me
I call it my seductive oasis
My wife calls it the Dead Sea

THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 1

If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Lap dancers
From Lapland?