WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 1

 

Ratty the water vole

And his friend Mr Mole

Buried Toad deep in a hole

KIDDIE FIDDLER

 

Well, they just arrested a paedophile

Who would look at the children and drool

He was in the children’s playground

And was caught playing with his tool

But credit where credit is due

He always drove slowly past the school

ON THE NAMING OF A CHILD

 

On the naming of a child

Certain protocols should be followed by the registrar

Protocol one

If the chosen name is Rainbow or Honey dew

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And given a book containing sensible names

This process should be repeated until a sensible choice is made

Protocol Two

If the chosen name is Chardonnay or Champagne

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And a large group of people should be assembled to laugh at them

The parents should then be given a dictionary

To look up the definitions of the names that they chose

This process should also be repeated until a sensible choice is made

Protocol Three

If the chosen name is Moonflower or Gallifrey

Then firstly the parents should be slapped

And the child should be immediately taken into care

Then the parents should be put in the stocks

So sensible people can throw rotten fruit at them

Before finally being committed to an institution

 

PS – Should it ever be deemed that they have been cured

They should be sterilised before release

And their names entered on the pretentious parents register

 

PPS - Anyone from Cardiff, The Wirral, Norfolk, Suffolk or Essex will inevitably

Name the child after a piece of fruit, a place they have visited

The name of their favourite car or a product from a supermarket

As a result, these people should not be trusted to name their children.

Registrars must name the children for them

In the same way that Hurricanes and tropical storms are named

If they complain go straight to Protocol three

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL

 

In class one day a boy named Benny

Needed to go to the toilet suddenly

So, he called out loudly to Miss

“Please I really need to take a piss”

The teacher said “No you must wait”

“The correct word to use is urinate”

If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly

I will allow you to go to the lavatory

And so thought the boy called Benny

Desperate now to spend a penny

“You're an eight miss” says young Ben

“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!”

TOY BOY

 

My teenage daughter

Bless her heart came home today

With a Yoyo

I think she said his name was Ray

Uncanny Tales – (044) The Interesting Tree of Tree Sprite Wood

 

The Interesting Tree stood in the centre of Tree Sprite Wood, and it had stood there for a very long time, in fact it had stood there long before there was a Tree Sprite Wood.

It was called the “Interesting tree” for a very good reason, because whenever people walked by it, they would say “look at that interesting tree”, and very many people did pass by and whatever their reason for being there in the wood, whether they were daily dog walkers, occasional ramblers, courting couples, families groups with exasperated parents trying to tire their children on a Sunday afternoon or middle-aged couples out for their daily constitutional’s, they would all say “oh look at that interesting tree”. 

It was a strange stunted tree, lopsided and misshaped with a trunk that varied in girth and was all gnarled and knotty and its branches were irregular in size and shape, and protruded at odd angles from the trunk with no symmetry whatsoever, and its overall appearance earned it its reputation as “interesting”, although it could equally have earned the name “odd”.

People also imagined they could see a face among the knots and gnarls, which of course they could, because the tree was alive.

But not in the conventional sense, where people talk about a living tree, all trees are alive, but the “Interesting Tree” was alive in a very real sense, it had a consciousness, and not only could it think, but it could philosophize, and talk at length on many subjects, it could also feel, laugh, cry, and it had friends.

 

Among exalted circles in the natural world, he was known as “The most noble and erudite, ancient sage tree of wisdom and enchanted dwelling place of the Rainbow Fairies”, but he prefered to be called Wilf.

Wilf was the oldest tree in Tree Sprite Wood by some considerable distance and only Witch Hazel came close to his longevity, but she wasn’t a tree.

Hazel moved to the wood when it was still young and it was only after the wood had been thriving for several centuries that the Rainbow Fairies took up residence.

Had the 21^st Century passers by known that the interesting tree was inhabited by Fairies they would have found that very interesting indeed, but people don’t really see, they look, they look all the time but they never see, but that’s not the reason that they couldn’t see the Fairies.

 

They didn’t of course notice the Fairies because Rainbow Fairies can mimic every colour of the rainbow, which was why they were called Rainbow Fairies and they where in fact like chameleons and they could blend in with their surroundings perfectly, so they were always there, sometimes only a few feet away, but they could never be seen, unless of course they chose to be.

 

Apart from being an “Interesting Tree”, Wilf was also a very happy tree, because he loved Tree Sprite Wood and in particular he loved being home to the fairies.

The wood thrived over the centuries and everything in the wood was perfect, but one day someone walked through Tree Sprite Wood who didn’t think Wilf looked like an interesting tree, because as he approached he thought it looked old and ugly and completely out of place in amongst the young and healthy trees that surrounded it.

The man was a tree surgeon who wore stout scuffed boots, a yellow vest that didn’t cover his belly and a silly white hard hat perched on his head and he walked right up to Wilf and sprayed a big blue cross on the trunk of the “Interesting Tree” and that sinister blue cross meant Wilf was to be cut down.

After marking Wilf’s trunk he continued on through the wood looking for other likely candidates for the axe.

 

After completing his inspection of the wood he returned to his truck and had his lunch and then he filled in his worksheet before he headed back to the “Interesting Tree” with his chainsaw.

However what the Tree Surgeon had not bargained on was the protector of Tree Sprite Wood, Hazel the White Witch.

Hazel was a very beautiful witch, but she was also very old and even White Witches are suceptable to the ravages of time so her beauty was now confined to the inside.

So it was necessary for her to transform herself into a beautiful Enchantress when the Tree Surgeon returned to kill the “Interesting Tree”.

The moment he saw her he was completely mesmerized and forgot why he was there and then Hazel lured him away from Wilf and took him deeper into the wood while the Fairies removed the blue paint from Wilfs belly and as they scrubbed and scrubbed at the paint they tickled his bark so much that he laughed and laughed until tears rolled down from his knotty eyes and he was the happiest tree in Tree Sprite Wood.

 

The Tree Surgeon in the scuffed boots, yellow vest and the silly hard hat perched on his head was sitting next to a babbling brooke when Hazels enchantment had worn off and when he awoke from his dream state he had no recollection of how he got there.

After a few confused moments he got up and then spent an hour searching for the ugly twisted tree with the blue cross on its trunk, but he couldn’t find it again as the Rainbow Fairies had disguised it as a young perfect specimen of treehood so the man gave up his search.

When he got back to his truck he picked up the worksheet and his pen from the passenger seat and put a tick in the box marked “complete” and then he drove away.

 

Hazel, Wilf and the Rainbow Fairies had faced much more dangerous adversaries over the ages and bested them, so an overweight tree surgeon was no more than a diversion so when he had driven away everything was as it should be and always would be in Tree Sprite Wood. 

 

GIVING KIDS A BAD NAME

 

Giving kids a bad name

Is one of life’s absurdities

But those who really give kids

A bad name are, celebrities

A LITTLE GIRL’S WARNING

 

A little girl watched her dad dress for a party.

And then she gave her dad a warning

“Daddy, you shouldn't wear that dinner suit”

He asked, “why not?” his curiosity dawning

“Because you know that it always gives

You a bad headache the next morning”

THE GREAT PART ABOUT PARENTHOOD

 

The great part about parenthood

Is naming the kids something favorable

While not having to add numbers

To make sure the name was available

MY GRANDCHILDREN LIVE IN THE CITY

 

My grandchildren live in the city

And they seem to be happy there

The youngest just started at cursery

That’s where small kids learn to swear

LIVING WITH SUCH A SPOILED BRAT

 

Living with such a spoiled brat 

Is no fun I'll have to say that 

They sit around bitchin 

Ordering food from the kitchen 

And wonder why they're getting so fat

A MOTHERS TALE # 1

 

While in queue at the bank one afternoon

My toddler decided to act the loon

Tired of the queues disapproving glare

I managed to grab firm hold of her

I told her if her bad behaviour did not finish

"Right now" then she would be punished

To my horror to my face for all to see

She loudly began to threaten me

With narrowed eyes and furrowed brow

"If you don't let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma what I saw alright

When you kissed Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

With all the dignity that I could muster

I tried to show no sign of fluster

In deathly silence with all eyes on me

I headed quickly for the door to flee

As I Dragged my daughter though the door

I heard laughter erupt in a hilarious roar

PARENTAL WISDOM

 

I learned as a parent

Amid all the pressures

That brushing the hair

Of my little treasures

Is without doubt

One of life's great pleasures

MALADY’S

 

As your children grow older the problems

Change but don’t seem to go away at all

Instead of them being sick because of a bug

They are sick because of too much alcohol

YOU SHOULD NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR KIDS

 

You should never raise

Your hands to your children

And for that, there

Is a very good reason

Not that I’m saying

They shouldn’t be corrected

But you must never

Leave your nuts unprotected

OUR FAMILY PLANNING

 

There are only 13 months

Between my two little chaps

It was actually by design

As we didn’t want a big gap

So that’s why as part of the plan

My wife had a Caesarean

I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE

 

I know this to be true

In the early morning gloom

No child will ever

Throw up in the bathroom

TESTING

 

I awake to hear

The tell-tale clink

Of a Pyrex jug

Hitting the bathroom sink

The tell-tale sound

Of Pyrex on porcelain

Means only one thing

She’s pregnant again

WIGGLY WORMS AND CURLY WHIRLY’S

My face has been washed clean

And my hairs the best it’s been

I must smile and must not fidget

That photographers such a twit

So, when he asks me where’s the birdie

I will frown and look quite surly

ETERNAL QUESTION

 

My son asked me today

What’s the meaning of life dad?

I didn’t know what to say

And I hesitated before I answered the lad

Well, you’re alive son is all I can say

And that’s enough so I’d just be glad