APPARENTLY IN DAYS OF YORE

Apparently in days of yore,

Evidence has come to light,

That dragon’s slept in the day

So they could fight knights

CATCH OF THE DAY

 

With my fishing line of gold,

Hook, baited with pearls

I cast into the waters

As the ebb tide swirls

To catch myself one

Of the underwater girls

And land a pretty mermaid

With seaweed in her curls

Uncanny Tales – (044) The Interesting Tree of Tree Sprite Wood

 

The Interesting Tree stood in the centre of Tree Sprite Wood, and it had stood there for a very long time, in fact it had stood there long before there was a Tree Sprite Wood.

It was called the “Interesting tree” for a very good reason, because whenever people walked by it, they would say “look at that interesting tree”, and very many people did pass by and whatever their reason for being there in the wood, whether they were daily dog walkers, occasional ramblers, courting couples, families groups with exasperated parents trying to tire their children on a Sunday afternoon or middle-aged couples out for their daily constitutional’s, they would all say “oh look at that interesting tree”. 

It was a strange stunted tree, lopsided and misshaped with a trunk that varied in girth and was all gnarled and knotty and its branches were irregular in size and shape, and protruded at odd angles from the trunk with no symmetry whatsoever, and its overall appearance earned it its reputation as “interesting”, although it could equally have earned the name “odd”.

People also imagined they could see a face among the knots and gnarls, which of course they could, because the tree was alive.

But not in the conventional sense, where people talk about a living tree, all trees are alive, but the “Interesting Tree” was alive in a very real sense, it had a consciousness, and not only could it think, but it could philosophize, and talk at length on many subjects, it could also feel, laugh, cry, and it had friends.

 

Among exalted circles in the natural world, he was known as “The most noble and erudite, ancient sage tree of wisdom and enchanted dwelling place of the Rainbow Fairies”, but he prefered to be called Wilf.

Wilf was the oldest tree in Tree Sprite Wood by some considerable distance and only Witch Hazel came close to his longevity, but she wasn’t a tree.

Hazel moved to the wood when it was still young and it was only after the wood had been thriving for several centuries that the Rainbow Fairies took up residence.

Had the 21^st Century passers by known that the interesting tree was inhabited by Fairies they would have found that very interesting indeed, but people don’t really see, they look, they look all the time but they never see, but that’s not the reason that they couldn’t see the Fairies.

 

They didn’t of course notice the Fairies because Rainbow Fairies can mimic every colour of the rainbow, which was why they were called Rainbow Fairies and they where in fact like chameleons and they could blend in with their surroundings perfectly, so they were always there, sometimes only a few feet away, but they could never be seen, unless of course they chose to be.

 

Apart from being an “Interesting Tree”, Wilf was also a very happy tree, because he loved Tree Sprite Wood and in particular he loved being home to the fairies.

The wood thrived over the centuries and everything in the wood was perfect, but one day someone walked through Tree Sprite Wood who didn’t think Wilf looked like an interesting tree, because as he approached he thought it looked old and ugly and completely out of place in amongst the young and healthy trees that surrounded it.

The man was a tree surgeon who wore stout scuffed boots, a yellow vest that didn’t cover his belly and a silly white hard hat perched on his head and he walked right up to Wilf and sprayed a big blue cross on the trunk of the “Interesting Tree” and that sinister blue cross meant Wilf was to be cut down.

After marking Wilf’s trunk he continued on through the wood looking for other likely candidates for the axe.

 

After completing his inspection of the wood he returned to his truck and had his lunch and then he filled in his worksheet before he headed back to the “Interesting Tree” with his chainsaw.

However what the Tree Surgeon had not bargained on was the protector of Tree Sprite Wood, Hazel the White Witch.

Hazel was a very beautiful witch, but she was also very old and even White Witches are suceptable to the ravages of time so her beauty was now confined to the inside.

So it was necessary for her to transform herself into a beautiful Enchantress when the Tree Surgeon returned to kill the “Interesting Tree”.

The moment he saw her he was completely mesmerized and forgot why he was there and then Hazel lured him away from Wilf and took him deeper into the wood while the Fairies removed the blue paint from Wilfs belly and as they scrubbed and scrubbed at the paint they tickled his bark so much that he laughed and laughed until tears rolled down from his knotty eyes and he was the happiest tree in Tree Sprite Wood.

 

The Tree Surgeon in the scuffed boots, yellow vest and the silly hard hat perched on his head was sitting next to a babbling brooke when Hazels enchantment had worn off and when he awoke from his dream state he had no recollection of how he got there.

After a few confused moments he got up and then spent an hour searching for the ugly twisted tree with the blue cross on its trunk, but he couldn’t find it again as the Rainbow Fairies had disguised it as a young perfect specimen of treehood so the man gave up his search.

When he got back to his truck he picked up the worksheet and his pen from the passenger seat and put a tick in the box marked “complete” and then he drove away.

 

Hazel, Wilf and the Rainbow Fairies had faced much more dangerous adversaries over the ages and bested them, so an overweight tree surgeon was no more than a diversion so when he had driven away everything was as it should be and always would be in Tree Sprite Wood. 

 

THE GIANTS GRANDLY FEAST

 

The Giants grandly feast

In their great dominion

And the favourite delicacy

Among them is pickled minions

DANCING PIXIES IN THE GREEN

 Dancing pixies in the green

And sparkling water sprites

Oft heard but never seen

Bathing in the morning light

Uncanny Tales – (001) Honey Badger Wood

Downshire is a relatively small English county but like a pocket battleship it packs a lot in, a short but beautiful coastline, a channel port, the Ancient forests of Dancingdean and Pepperstock, the craggy ridges and manmade lakes of the Pepperstock Hills National Park, the rolling hills of the Downshire Downs, the beautiful Finchbottom Vale and farm land as far as the eye can see from the Trotwood’s and the Grace’s in the south to the home of the Downshire Light infantry, Nettlefield, and their affluent neighbour’s, Roespring and Tipton in the North but it’s in the largest Town in the county, Abbottsford, where our story begins, though that’s not where it ends.

 

Apart from being the largest conurbation in the County, Abbottsford is also the administrative center, the location for the Downshire Constabulary HQ and more relevant to the story, the Law Courts.

Marc and Sarah Hughes were both Lawyers and had their own practice in the town, and had a reputation for representing the more disreputable clients in the area, in fact the more infamous the better, because the worse the client was the more they would charge to represent them, and they lived well on the profits of their immoral business.

They were a childless couple and lived in a luxury Riverside apartment in Abbottsford.

Their status as being a double income couple with no kids, they considered to be a blessing as they could never have made room in their lives for something as needy as a child, they were far too selfish.

Both Marc and Sarah were both from well-heeled families and had been used to having money all their lives and everything else that wealth entailed, but neither of them possessed a moral compass or a conscience, and they were determined to ensure they continued in the same vein in both wealth and conscience.

The Hughes’s were all about the money and they didn’t care how they got it, and like many rich people once they got it they hung onto to it.

 

One day in June they finished at the Courts much earlier than anticipated, having got the case of attempted murder against a local gangster dismissed on a technicality.

They declined a celebratory lunch with their client because they liked his money but not the man or his entourage and certainly didn’t want to socialize with any of them.

 

The Lawyers were feeling very pleased with themselves at the early resolution of the case against their guilty client, not for him, they had no empathy for his kind of scum or indeed any sympathy for his victim, the Hughes’s were despicable people.

What Marc and Sarah were happy about, as a result of the early resolution, was that they had finished work for the day so they could take their brand new Canary Yellow Porsche 911 Carrera 4S Cabriolet out for a spin.

“Where shall we go?” Sarah asked

“How about somewhere out in the sticks where we can avoid the great unwashed hordes and have a picnic” he replied “just you me and the Porsche”

“Great idea, let’s go and frighten the country bumpkins” she retorted

 

Before they left Abbottsford they stopped at Labuschagne’s, the Supermarket for the obscenely wealthy and those with more money than sense and bought their picnic lunch before leaving for the country.

 

They drove south out of the city a headed towards the Trotwood’s and ten miles beyond Little Trotwood they arrived at the village of Black Acres and parked the car in front of a pub called The Witch Burners Arms.

“This will do, there’s bound to be somewhere close by where we can picnic” he said

“We can ask in here for directions”

“Ok but I’m not eating or drinking in this hovel” she replied snobbishly “and I’m not sitting on the furniture”

 

The landlord of the “Witch” was Bob Clement and as the outsiders walked through the door he smiled and said

“Good afternoon, what can I get you?”

“We‘re looking for somewhere to picnic” he said matter of factly as his wife looked down her nose at the regulars who viewed the outsiders as curiosities.

“Ah well I have a little map here” Bob said “which will help you, there are a good deal of wonderful walks, idyllic scenery and beautiful meadows and any number of picturesque picnic spots”

“Ok” Marc said and took the map from him without thanks and then turned to leave

“But don’t go anywhere near Honey Badger Wood” Bob added

“There’s nothing worth seeing in there”

 

Even if they hadn’t been ridiculously minted, being townies and having been born into the “entitled” generation, they were not going to be told where they could or could not go, especially by a country bumkin so they headed straight for Honey Badger Wood.

As soon as they saw the wood they were entranced, it was so beautiful.

“No wonder the yokels warned us off, it’s gorgeous” Sarah said “they obviously wanted to keep it to themselves”

They entered the wood and walked the woodland path that meandered its way in the dappled sunlight until they came upon a large open glade with the most wondrous flower meadow at its heart, full of wild flowers, whose sweet scent filled the air. 

“Well I think we have found the perfect place for our picnic” he said

“I agree” she said as they walked through the meadow grass until they reached the center where Sarah spread the picnic rug.

 

After they had feasted on quails eggs, game pie, smoked Salmon, Foie Gras, Caviar and Champagne, they lay back to digest their lunch and with the combination of Champagne, the warm June sunshine and the sweetly scented air they fell into a sleep from which they never awoke, because while they digested their picnic lunch the Carnivorous Meadow digested them.

 

The next morning Bob the landlord looked outside and saw the yellow Porsche still parked in the pub carpark so he picked up the phone and called Angel’s garage

“Angels Automotive” the voice answered

“Hi Terry” Bob said “Another pair of stupid townies failed to heed my warning about Honey Badger Wood”

“Not very bright of them” Terry said “So what did the leave at the pub?”

“A Canary Yellow Porsche 911 Carrera 4S Cabriolet” Bob replied

“Nice, that will keep the hospice going for another year on its own” Terry said “I’ll come and get it now”

 

No one in Black Acres profited personally from the sale of goods left behind, the proceeds did however support local establishments, like the Hospice and the Care Home and donations were made to other local good causes.

However it may have seemed to the casual observer that the inhabitants of Black Acres were a callous bunch in regards to the loss of human life but no one wasted any pity on the arrogant pair of townies because the Carnivorous Meadow in Honey Badger Wood fed only on corruption and had Marc or Sarah Hughes had even an ounce of goodness in them they would have survived.

But they didn’t, so as they slept the eternal sleep the meadow consumed every last cell of them.