I was divorced from my wife
Due to my serial
infidelity
And found myself in
bed
With a girl called
Felicity
It was on New Year’s
Day
When she asked me
“Did you make a
resolution?
What was it? Go on
tell me”
I replied “Not to be
unfaithful
Ever again to my
chosen mate”
“How’s that going?”
she asked
“Ask me after our
second date”
New Years is just an excuse
For girls to dress inappropriately
And that’s why New
Years
Is the best holiday
for me
My New Year’s resolution
And my reasoning is
sound
And that is to get in
shape,
In the end, I chose
round
I remember the time in my youth
When I was allowed to stay up late
On New Year’s Eve and I was thrilled
But now on that ominous date
As I have reached middle age
Being forced to participate is my fate
My friend asked me
What I was going to be
For New Year’s Eve
I said “Drunk will do
me”
Rather than make a pointless resolutions
I will make a wish for
those I hold dear
May you always have
all that you need
And want all you have,
Happy New Year!
A little girl watched her dad dress for a party.
And then she gave her
dad a warning
“Daddy, you shouldn't wear that dinner suit”
He asked, “why not?” his curiosity dawning
“Because you know that it always gives
You a bad headache the
next morning”
If you were born in late September,
The bells should
definitely start to clang
As it’s pretty safe to
assume that your folks
Started out the New
Year with a Bang
My New Year's resolution this year
Is hopefully an
antidote to future resolutions
And to rid myself of
the annual angst
I have come up with a
simple solution
Which is to stop
hanging out with people
Who ask me for my New
Year's resolutions
New Year’s Eve is one of the few
Acceptable times to
wear body glitter
When you have a
reasonable expectation
Of not being mistaken
for a stripper
My only New Year's resolution
Is to be more
optimistic next year
By keeping my cup
half-full
With either vodka, whiskey or beer
New Year's resolutions are something
That go over the head
of my brother
He just doesn’t seem
to grasp their import
So they go in one year
and out the other
