MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO DO SOMETHING

 

My doctor told me to do something

That leaves me breathless

So, I’ve started smoking again

Now I’m breathless and stressless

I HAVE SUFFERED WITH KIDNEY STONES

 

I have suffered with Kidney stones

But I am happy to declare

That Elvis has left the building

With more than one Jordanaire

I PHONED THE SWINE FLU HOTLINE

I phoned the swine flu hotline

When my chest started rattling

Because that was the advice

But all I got was crackling 

MY UNCLE HAD HIS NECK BRACE FITTED

 

My Uncle had his neck brace fitted

Because he has arthritis in his neck

But in the five years he's had the brace

My Uncle has never looked back

 

ARE YOU WEARING A MUFFLER?

 

Are you wearing a muffler?

To keep the cold off your chest

Well should it not do the job

I know what to do for the best

I’ll just rub Vick on your skin

Inside your thermal vest

I HAVE GIVEN UP SEX FOR LENT # 2

 

I have given up sex for Lent

Which is to some small extent

An empty gesture on my part

As I had to as I have a bad heart

MY DOCTOR IS A LOCUM

 

My doctor is a Locum

Who replaced Dr Slocombe

And all I get is Hokum

With a sprinkling of bunkum

But I have my heath so Ho hum

DON’T EAT ANYTHING FATTY

 

My doctor said to me

Don’t eat anything fatty

What he meant by that was

Don’t eat anything, fatty

AFRICA HAS ITS PROBLEMS

 

Africa has its problems

With the outbreak of Ebola

But spare a thought for

Every Little Englander

Who is exposed every

Summer to Tombola

THE EBOLA CRISIS IS CAUSING CONCERN

 

The Ebola crisis is causing concern

And is causing the Americans to fret

And what the people want to know

Is why aren’t their troops there yet

THE CHOCOLATE STRAWBERRY’S

 

The Chocolate Strawberry’s

I have so far concluded

As one of your five a day

May definitely be included

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

 

Chocolate coated raisins

I found out today

Can easily be included

As one of your five a day

A MAN RECOVERING FROM SURGERY

A man recovering from surgery was asked

By the nurse “how are you feeling Mr Dukes?”

“I’m a little concerned about a four letter word

Uttered during the surgery by Doctor Proops”

“What exactly did he say?” asked the nurse.

The man went very pale and then said “Oops!” 

MY DECISION TO BECOME A DOCTOR

 

My decision to become a doctor

Even though it helped me burgeon

Raised more than a few eyebrows

But then I am a plastic surgeon

THE MAN-O-GRAM

 

I left the county hospital

In some considerable distress

They made me put my todger

Inside a bloody trouser press

INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG

 

Inoculations are a drag

Just remember it’s the jabs

That might well prevent

Many ending up on slabs

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 4

I was once a medical student

But they had to send me home

I thought that a “seizure”

Was an Emperor of Rome

IF YOU GET AN EMAIL OR TWO

 

If you get an email or two

About catching Swine Flu

From tinned cooked ham

Delete them as its Spam

PATIENTS RIGHTS

 

A patient asked “nurse, why did you stop

My visitors coming to see me?”

She replied “you know perfectly well why,

You broke the rules Mr Ellery”

“But listen here I know my rights” he persisted

“I’m allowed to have three”

“You are allowed friends and family not

Prostitutes and takeaway deliveries"

THE LIFE OF PIE

 

Off they go to the bakers

For a pie of pork and pickle

Trundling along the road

Riding on their obesecycle