AVIATION ASPIRATION

 

My daughter wants to be a pilot

At first, I was a little alarmed

But after I thought about it

My apprehension calmed

 

And I laughed at my foolishness

I felt silly, oh what a lark

After all it’s not as if

She will have to parallel park

A SOLEMN UNDERTAKING

 

When drivers choose to undertake

A risky manoeuvre is undertaken

But what they risk undertaking

Is an appointment with an undertaker

 

THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE

 

I was driving to work this morning

It was just as the day was dawning

And I noticed a parked-up AA van

And next to it was a crying man

But properly weeping and wailing

Down on his knees with arms flailing

I just shook my head with a frown

I knew he was headed for a breakdown

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

 

In France, they don’t call it a pothole

Instead, they call it a hen’s nest

It sounds much nicer, doesn’t it?

But for drivers, they’re still a pest

SENIOR SPEED

 

People speed

For many reasons

Some are disorganised,

Some are late,

Some are impatient,

Some have no sense of direction,

For some it’s an emergency

That fuels their urgency

But for me, as a retiree

I have to drive fast

To get there before I forget

Where it is I’m going

TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES

 

The highways department have decided

In a review of speed management

To replace the current

Traffic calming measures

No more speed bumps

Or chicanes

Flashing road signs or traffic cameras

No bollards or over painted road surfaces

A newer cheaper alternative has been found

To promote road safety

So, the highways dept have decided

Just to stop repairing potholes

Because they really slow drivers down

THE DEATH OF DREAMS

He leaves her house

Saying goodnight at the door

And heads homeward

Like so many times before

 

She has another drink?

Or snorts another line?

No need for a cab

She thinks she’ll be fine

 

On his lips is the taste

Of his loves last kiss

As he peddles ever onward

Towards the abyss

 

She drives like a demon

Without any care

Racing over the bridge

Not seeing him there

 

There is only one winner

When the two come together

Only one outcome

A young man lost forever

 

In the laws eyes he died a boy

Three days short of being a man

But a very mature boy

A young man with a plan

 

His life had a purpose

Plans and dreams to be achieved

But his dreams died with him

And they too should be grieved

 

Too young, too young

To leave dreams unfulfilled

Too soon, too soon

For a young man to be killed

 

For Joel Semmens October 16th 1992 – October 13th 2010 

IN MY GHIA

 

Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia

Whether it be far of near

No matter if the roads are clear

In my mirror to the rear

A BMW’s Teutonic sneer

Will almost always appear

THE TOM TOM BLUES

 

I want to get a Tom Tom

Or any make of Satnav

But my lady wife won’t hear of it

Not all the time I have

Her to map read for me

And give me vague directions

Saying left instead of right

At all the intersections

But it’s always my fault

When we take another detour

Though it’s her not paying attention

I don’t want to do this anymore

For she doesn’t really map read

She only reads her women’s mag

But that’s what I’m stuck with

A fifty-year-old sat nag

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 3

 

It seems that no matter which road I travel

As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin

But it’s not the road works themselves I mind so much

It’s that they’re never filling the bloody Potholes in

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 2

 

It seems that no matter which road I travel

As soon as I turn onto it the road works begin

They always get there before me with one exception  

There are never any problems on the road to ruin

LIFE’S HIGHWAY # 1

 

No matter which road I decide to travel along

Road works have got there before me it seems

I think it’s part of a new government initiative

“The dig up the roads to cause congestion scheme”

WHAT CAN I GIVE UP?

 

For lent you have to give up

Something that you enjoy

Well, that gave me a lot more choices

When I was but a boy

Now it’s not quite so easy

I don’t enjoy too much at my age

So, I will have to give up being cantankerous

Or just give up road rage

BAGGAGE REGULATIONS

 

A vulture boarded

A jumbo jet

Carrying two dead

Marmoset

 

The stewardess said

"I'm sorry sir,

Only one carrion
Per passenger"

NO FRILLS

 

Ryanair have had to execute

Disembarkation via escape chutes

There was no emergency however

It’s just Mr O’Leary being clever

Disembarking on the runway

Is the latest “no frills” way

THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT

It has been said that the miracle of aviation

Is that the aeroplane is nothing more in interpretation

Than 50000 components flying in close formation

And hopefully all bound for the same destination 

CRASH LOCATION

 

On the M25 just beyond Dartford

She lost control of her car and crashed

Hitting the barrier with great force

Then came rest with the car smashed

It happened close to where she lived

She was nearly home, not far to go

But she sat trapped in her crumpled car

Covered in blood from head to toe

The paramedic attending the crash

Examined her as a matter of urgency

But apart from the blood covering her

He was at a loss to find any injury

“Where are you bleeding from?”

He asked the girl in the battered Ford

Slightly annoyed the girl responded

“I’m from bleeding Romford”

KNIGHTS OF THE ROAD

 

Mild mannered and the meek

Shy and too embarrassed to speak

No goose hears them say boo

They are hardly noticeable to you

Then they get into a car

And safe behind the wheel

They are transformed

Those once quiet and retiring

Calm and rational people

Are now fearless, bold and brave

Safe in their steel boxes

That they wear like armour

Quarantined from the world

In their metal machines

They make manifest into beasts from hell

They become possessed

Morphing into deranged sociopaths

From Mogwai to gremlin

Those once too shy to speak

The humble and the tame

Now bellow obscenities

Foul and nasty profanities

To all and sundry

Dispensing venomous rebukes

Like Georges dragon breathing fire

They drive like crazed charioteers

Set loose from the hippodrome

They cut you up

With last second maneuvers

Changing lanes, jumping lights

Leaving chaos in their wake

They sneer at authority

Swear and gesticulate

No one is safe from them

The old lady at the crossing

A group of school children

A priest or a nun

No one is safe from their wrath

Then safely at their destination

Parked in another’s space

They exit the car

And are meek once more

ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL

 

One in five bad accidents

Are caused it seems

By drivers who drift off

To the land of dreams

But drivers who fall

Asleep at the wheel

Are the lesser evil

I’m inclined to feel

Because the simple fact

That makes me quake

Is that four out of five

Are wide awake

BE ALERT

 

On public transport

You are reminded constantly

To be alert and vigilant

And report suspicious things you see

 

But if I saw something

That might be construed suspicious

I wouldn’t know what I’d do

As I don’t like to make a fuss

 

But what constitutes suspicious

Is it unattended packages?

Or people behaving furtively

Or just hanging around for ages

 

Traveling home late on the train

One night before Christmas

I saw several women dressed as schoolgirls

Should I report that as suspicious?