MY BROTHER JOHNNY IS GAY

 

My brother Johnny is gay

Of that there is no doubt

Regrettably he’s in the closet

And isn’t going to come out

But he’s not just in the closet

Johnny is way back in there

In fact he’s so far back

He’s practically in Narnia

MY DAD IS JUST LIKE A LAPTOP

 

My dad is just like a laptop,

If you interact with him and stop

And for ten minutes don’t make a peep

He will always go to sleep

MY UNCLE IS A GREAT CAT LOVER

 

My Uncle is a great cat lover

And he’s always been a smashing bloke

But after he came to visit, my cat

Is recovering from a massive stroke

MY BROTHER IS SO PESSIMISTIC

 

My brother is so pessimistic,

No matter what his circumstances

If there was a pessimism Olympics

He wouldn't fancy his chances

MY BROTHERS SPEND ALL OF THEIR TIME

 

My brothers spend all of their time

Floating out at sea on aquatic toys

They float from dawn until dusk

But I suppose boys will be buoys

MY AUNT WAS THIRTY WHEN SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY

 

My Aunt was thirty when she lost her virginity

She had left it so late as the act was so dreaded

But was relieved when it had finally happened,

And wasn’t so much deflowered as deadheaded

MY FATHER WAS A MAGICIAN

 

My father was a magician

Well, not really a magician

But he did disappeared a lot

To avoid the law like as not

WHEN I WAS JUST A YOUNG CHILD

 

When I was just a young child

I was subject to multiple attacks

My father assailed me with cameras

And I still suffer from flashbacks

MY UNCLE HAD HIS NECK BRACE FITTED

 

My Uncle had his neck brace fitted

Because he has arthritis in his neck

But in the five years he's had the brace

My Uncle has never looked back

 

WE DIDN’T REALISE THAT MY DAD

 

We didn’t realise that my Dad

Was one of the great family men

Until that day we discovered

That he actually had three of them

MY SISTER IS INTO PHOTOGRAPHY

 

My sister is into photography

It makes her shine and glow

And she talks enthusiastically

But you can’t shutter up though

OMNIBUS ETIQUETTE

 

“When I was on the bus with Dad,

He told me to give up my seat to a lady”   

A little boy told his mum “good boy

You were right to listen to your daddy”

“But mum you don’t understand”

He said “I was sitting on daddy's knee”   

I ALWAYS MAKE THE EFFORT TO GO HOME

 

I always make the effort to go home

Though it fills me with dread to be clear

Two days of unwelcome parenting advice

From relatives I see once or twice a year

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (8)

 

Dad said, “I’m going to Thailand"

I replied to him "To Bangkok?"

He thought for a moment, then said

"Oh no I certainly hope not”

MY BROTHER IS A PESSIMIST # 2

 

My brother is a pessimist

With all his nay-saying

And a glass half full guy

With his catastrophising

MY GRANDCHILDREN LIVE IN THE CITY

 

My grandchildren live in the city

And they seem to be happy there

The youngest just started at cursery

That’s where small kids learn to swear

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (7)

 

He said “I was asked by my daughter,

If I could go out to East Africa”

I retorted “that’s amazing, Kenya?”

He replied “No I had to disappoint her”

MY MOTHER IS JUDGE AND JURY

 

My mother is judge and jury

In our domestic establishment

She ensures we all do our bit

It’s known as Chore enforcement

MY BROTHER IS A PESSIMIST # 1

 

My brother is a pessimist

With all his nay-saying,

And a glass half full guy

With his speclionegging

MY YOUNG ACTRESS SISTER

 

My young actress sister

Has absolutely no shame

But in Hollywood she has

Found some level of fame

She’s now “Doing a pilot”

I didn’t ask for his name