A CALCULATED DECISION

Miss Armitage entered Calculus class

To stand amidst a disorderly eruption

And she immediately confiscated a catapult

Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption

UNDER ACHIEVING

Gillian finished her first week at school

And had a very unhappy look on her face

She said to her mum who was showing concern

“I’m just wasting my time at that place”

Mum asked her “why ever do you think that?”

Then Gillian exploded in an angry squawk

“Well mother I can't read, and I can't write,

And then they won't even let me talk!'

SEAT OF LEARNING

 

In those halcyon days at university

Our lively intelligence or our esprit

Meant heads were encouraged towards the noetic

But our hearts gravitated to embrace the poetic

Our fecund, fertile minds, proved greatly to suit

As our high-minded imaginings bore great fruit

MY CAT STORY

 

The teacher questioned Samuel about his homework

“I have just read your story entitled “my cat”

And it is almost exactly the same as your brothers

What do you have to say to that”?

“Well, I didn’t copy Joshua’s story miss” Samuel said

“It’s just that well, we have the same cat”

IF YOU ASK A STUPID QUESTION

 

Joshua was caught talking to a friend during assembly

“What do you call a person” asked the headmaster

“Who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested”? 

Joshua thought and to great applause he said “A teacher”   

MISSING OUT

 

They’ve taken all the fun away

It’s prohibited from the school day

Thanks to the politically correct crusade

And the health and safety brigade

There can be no unacceptable names

Or boisterous competitive games

Now playing in the snow and ice

You must play games safe and nice

The nanny state has declared

That the nation’s children must be spared

But when I was a child, we did alright

And we did survive an occasional fight

But we had more freedom in my view

We could choose what things to do

You didn’t have to climb in trees

Or pick the scabs off wounded knees

You didn’t have to play kiss chase

Or catch a snowball in the face

You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow

If you didn’t want to you could say no

Conkers was not a compulsory game

You didn’t have to call girls names

You could roll in the grass again and again

Or jump in puddles after heavy rain

You didn’t have to skip with girls

Or run with grass seed in your curls

If you didn’t want to there was no need

You could sit alone and quietly and read

But if you chose to you could do it

And after all we were young and fit

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL

 

In class one day a boy named Benny

Needed to go to the toilet suddenly

So, he called out loudly to Miss

“Please I really need to take a piss”

The teacher said “No you must wait”

“The correct word to use is urinate”

If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly

I will allow you to go to the lavatory

And so thought the boy called Benny

Desperate now to spend a penny

“You're an eight miss” says young Ben

“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!”

THE THREE R’S

 

I was raised on the three R’s

At least on their importance

Reading, riting and rithmatic

Though spelling was more happenstance

But a greater three r ’s exist

Greater than literacy, grammar or fractions

Respect for oneself, Respect for others,

And Responsibility for all of your actions

ODE TO A YOUNG STUDENT

If success you will achieve

Do not ever flatter to deceive

Apply yourself with valiant effort

To gain the important good report

The wayside is littered with the failed

Whose non commitment has prevailed

Don’t aim to highly but do your best

Then let your confidence do the rest 

HEAD OF YEAR

In the fifties

My greatest fear

Was being called to see the headmaster

Now I’m in my fifties

My greatest fear

Is having to call the headmaster 

HE HAD A CRUSH ON HIS TEACHER

He had a crush on his teacher

And he thought she said be mine,

While she was marking his essay

And what she said was B minus

MY TEACHER IS EXTREMELY ANCIENT

My teacher is extremely ancient

But I don’t want to be thought a fool  

But it is the truth as he told us

He taught Shakespeare at his old school

MY CROSS EYED TEACHER WAS DISMISSED

 

My cross eyed teacher was dismissed

The governors have no scruples

They said it wasn’t her disability

But that she couldn't control her pupils

MY CROSS EYED TEACHER WAS DISMISSED

 

My cross eyed teacher was dismissed

The governors have no scruples

They said it wasn’t her disability

But that she couldn't control her pupils

A YOUNGER MEMBER OF STAFF

 

A younger member of staff

Caused something of a melee

Having completely misunderstood

The nature of Mufti day

I WOULD LIKE TO KILL THE PERSON

 

I would like to kill the person

Who said school days were fun

I was taught by Birds of pray,

More commonly known as nuns

COMFORTING THE TEACHER

 

Something upset

My English teacher

So I said to comfort her

“There, their, they’re”

I SPOTTED A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

I spotted a chemistry student

Entering the toilets, the other day

He washed his hands on the way in

Which is always a dead giveaway

MY TEACHER IS EXTREMELY ANCIENT

 

My teacher is extremely ancient

But I don’t want to be thought a fool  

But it is the truth as he told us

He taught Shakespeare at his old school

CLASS BOOBS

If a brunette, a blonde, and a redhead

Are all together in the third grade

The blonde has the biggest breasts

Because she's eighteen years of age