A Little Bit Of Humour # 45

ARE YOU WEARING OXFORD BAGS?

Are you wearing Oxford Bags?
Well the obvious question that begs
If they are no longer in fashion
Is it because you have baggy legs

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 313

Wee Willie Winkie
Runs through the town
Upstairs and downstairs
With his trousers down
He was aptly named

THERE WERE MANY THINGS IN THE FIFTIES

There were many things in the fifties
Because of rationing God knows
That didn’t make the dinner table
But the one constant were no elbows

DESCRIBING RETIREMENT

The best way to describe
Retirement is make no mistake
If you ask a pensioner
A never ending coffee break

PUT DOWN # 57

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say when he driving you mental
"Any connection between your reality
And mine is purely coincidental”

SHE TELLS ME WHEN TO START

She tells me when to start
And when not to hesitate
She tells me when to stop
And when I should indicate
She tells me when to speed
And when to use the brake
She tell me when to stay in lane
And when it’s safe to overtake
She tells me if I leave a gap
And when I get too near
She tells me when to accelerate
And when I should change gear
She tells me when the light is green
And when the light is red
I don’t know why I married her
She’s just the same in bed

SHE PHONED FROM THE SPERM BANK

She phoned from the sperm bank
For donations and to be truthful
I hung up, but she phoned again
And then I gave her a mouthful

THE DOOR OPENED AND I SAID

The door opened and I said “Ah madam
Can I show you this carpet sweeper”
“No” she replied “and don’t call me madam
You make me sound like a brothel keeper”

INOCULATIONS ARE A DRAG

Inoculations are a drag
Just remember it’s the jabs
That might well prevent
Many ending up on slabs

LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY

Nothing surprised me more
About the 2012 Olympics
Than the opening ceremony
It was astonishingly good
I must admit I had my doubts
I feared a parade of stretch Limos
Disgorging scores of scantily clad
Essex girls wearing plastic tiaras
And a climax of the ceremony
Would have been a group
Of Hurray Henrys from the city
Dropping their trousers
And farting out a rendition
Of Rule Britannia
Before one of the bare arsed brokers
Would use an Olympic torch
To light a fart
And subsequently ignite
The Olympic flame

I LIKED THE OLD BOND MOVIES

With reliable heroes
And camp villains
But I watched on recently
And I found it quite exhausting
Foot chases, car chases,
Running here, driving there
It left me quite out of breath
It didn’t leave room for a story
The old Bond films had a story
Punctuated with action
Now they had action
Punctuated by more action
Bond was one of a kind
But now I’m not sure
If I’m watching James Bond
Or Jason Bourne

WHAT A SILLY ASS

What a silly Ass
So Asinine
Quite complacent
That ass of mine

I WORK IN AN OFFICE THAT’S SO QUIET

I work in an office that’s so quiet
I suggested without misgiving
That we should all join hands
In order to contact the living

DEAR MR CADBURY

Dear Mr Cadbury I would like to say in my view
That to find Someone, Is something of a coup
Who enjoys a chocolate finger as much as I do

ARE YOU WEARING A LOOK OF DIFFIDENCE?

Are you wearing a look of diffidence?
Why do you lack of self-confidence?
You have a look to leave them agog
And you’re as fit as a butcher’s dog