A Little Bit Of Humour # 39

ARE YOU WEARING LENSES?

Are you wearing lenses?
To hide your sensual eyes
They don’t make you more
Beautiful, it’s just disguise

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 2

I was once a medical student
And asked to name a major illness
Associated with smoking cigarettes
I was wrong with premature death

MY SATNAV IS WORSE THAN MY WIFE

My satnav is worse than my wife
Telling me how to drive
If the limits thirty miles an hour
It nags me I’m doing thirty five

A FOREIGN STUDENT FROM CALCUTTA # 2

A foreign student from Calcutta
Accidentally snorted curry powder
Thinking it was cocaine the silly duffer
He survived but he’s got a dicky Tikka

WHEN WIMPY PREVAILED

When I was just a young man
Wimpy houses were prevailing
And a Big Mac was something
We wore when it was raining

HOW MANY PENSIONERS DOES IT TAKE?

How many pensioners does it take?
To change a light bulb that’s blown
Only one, but it might take all day
To get around to it on their own

ONE OF THE GREAT BENEFICIAL # 2

One of the great beneficial
Things after you retire
Is that Tied shoes
Are considered formal attire

JOSHUA DID HIS MULTIPLICATION

Joshua did his multiplication
Homework on the kitchen floor
Because he was apparently
Told not to use tables anymore

THE INTERNATIONAL SAILING RESULTS ARE IN

The international sailing results are in
The GB took the gold medal once again
While Somalia took a middle aged couple
who were on holiday from Colerain

PUT DOWN # 51

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Say to him if boredom persists
"The fact that no one understands you
Doesn’t mean that you're an artist."

IS THE INTERNET A BLESSING OR A CURSE?

Is the internet a blessing or a curse?
As a medium for interaction it fine
But paedophiles operate in comfort
As they stalk their victims online

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 308

Mary had a little van
She also had a mini
I never saw her little van
But I have seen her mini

HORSEY CLAIRE BALDING

Horsey Claire Balding
Is always with a nag
I think she looks like
Stephen Fry in drag

MARRIAGE HAS BEEN A VERY BUMPY RIDE

Marriage has been a very bumpy ride
Since we joined in Holy Deadlock
And the little lady’s never happier
Than when she has me in a headlock

ARE YOU WEARING COLOURED LENSES?

Are you wearing coloured lenses?
If you’re not then what that means is
At the risk of sounding a cynic
You should visit the walk in eye clinic