A Little Bit Of Humour # 40

ARE YOU WEARING A MONOCLE?

Are you wearing a monocle?
Can I ask the reason why?
You can still wear spectacles
Even if you have a glass eye

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 3

I was once a medical student
But I didn’t really try
When asked about the “fibula”
I thought it was a small lie

THERE’S A DOWNSIDE TO RETIREMENT

There’s a downside to retirement
And I think there is only the one
Which is that despite all the extra time
Everything still doesn’t get done

PUT DOWN # 52

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
Just say if you tire of his fawning
Did you eat a bowl of stupid
For breakfast this morning?

THE INTERNET CAN BE A CURSE AND NOT A BLESSING

The internet can be a curse and not a blessing
For example the gambling sites on the net
Where eager Gamblers don’t even need
To put on a shirt in order to lose it on a bet

MY SATNAV HAS AUDIBLE ALARMS

My Satnav has audible alarms
They make each journey fraught
So I think I’ll trade it in
And buy the silent sort

MULTITASKING IS A MYTH

Multitasking is a myth,
It doesn’t work sadly
Multitasking just means
Doing lots of things badly

HE WAS THROWN OUT OF A BAR

He was thrown out of a bar
For inappropriate behaviour
And was given a whack

He pointed at the sign
Which read “liquor at the front”
And “poker in the back”

AFTER HER EXAMINATION

After her examination
The doctor said
"I can find no reason
For the pain in your head
Now let me see the thing
That gets ladies in distress”
At which point the lady
Lifted up her dress
And started to remove
All her underwear
At first all he could do
Was stand and stare
But then caused the doctor
To loudly shout
“No don’t take them off
Just stick your tongue out"

SENIOR PHARMACY

When I go to the chemist
The cost is beyond belief
And everything in my basket
Says it’s for fast relief

SUPERSEX

“Supersex” the old lady said
To the seniors group
And in reply they chorused
"We'll take the soup"

IF I’VE LEARNED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE

If I’ve learned anything in my life
It is that you should take a chance
And nobody cares if you can't dance well
Just get on the floor and dance

THE UPSIDE OF BEING CLINICALLY OBESE

The upside of being clinically obese
To the point of being handicapped
Is that it makes it significantly more
Difficult to be forcibly kidnapped

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 309

Mary had a little van
She had it all last summer
But now her little van
Has turned into a Hummer

ARE YOU WEARING PINCE NEZ?

Are you wearing pince nez?
Do I think they suit you? In truth no
As you’re a thirty four stone woman
Who is never going to look like Poirot