ARE YOU WEARING A SINGLE FAKE EYELASH?
Are you wearing a single fake eyelash?
I’m almost certain there should be two
What happened to the other one?
Did someone beat it to death with a shoe?
PIZZA FAME
When my Dad was just a boy
He had never heard of pizza
But he thought it was famed
For having a leaning tower
YOU CAN STOP MILK TURNING SOUR
You can stop milk turning sour
And I can tell you how
There is one sure fire way
And that’s to keep it in the cow
I WAS ABSOLUTELY GUTTED WHEN I FOUND
I was absolutely gutted when I found
My wife was having an affair
A friend Mo, said turn to religion
And she can be stoned in the town square
GET A PENIS ENLARGER
“Get a penis enlarger”
My wife once said to me
So I found myself
Twenty year old Kelly
JOHN WAS THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL
John was thrown out of school
Because a girl played with his nob
That’s the third school in a year
He won’t easily find another job
WHEN TIMES ARE HARD, A WOMAN
When times are hard, a woman
Must resort to sexual intimacies
Due to the high cost of living
She can’t afford the batteries
DUE TO A WATER SHORTAGE IN WOKING
Due to a water shortage in Woking
The Council has issued an edict
And the swimming pools response
Is to close lanes four, five and six
HEIGH-HO, HEIGH-HO
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's off to work we go
Well we don’t exactly work at night
We just Pimp out Snow White
JUST A TANTALISING HINT OF THE EXOTIC
Just a tantalising hint of the exotic
Beneath the hem of your skirt
I’m interested in whatever it is
It’s quite driving me berserk
Can you give me the slightest hint?
Or be upfront I really don’t mind
I won’t be embarrassed at all
I love underwear of any kind
The garment into which you slipped
If it’s an under slip, something of that kind
If you were to slip yourself out of it
If you felt so inclined I wouldn’t mind
YOU ARE WELL ENDOWED
You are well endowed
Is it all you?
Or is it padded up there
I won’t care
If you let me in up there
And what about below stairs
Just let me get in under there
Into your under wear
And I will find your derriere
Among your treasures
And some mutual pleasures
HIS HEAD WAS SO FULL OF FILTH
His head was so full of filth
And dirty thoughts
Which all centered around
Getting into her shorts
And when the act was culminated,
By all reports
It was clear he wasn’t the only one
With dirty thoughts
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO MY EX WIFE
I tried to explain to my ex wife
The basic premise of reincarnation
Which is that when you die you get
To return as part of God’s creation
But, you come back as a different creature
After a moment’s thought she said
“I want to come back as a cow “
The concept had clearly gone over her head
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 318
Three each day
Seven days a week
Ruddy Apple
Ruddy Cheek
Hardly a varied diet
Is it?
ARE YOU WEARING CORDUROY?
Are you wearing corduroy?
Oh you twenty-first century boy
You’re dressed as teacher would be
If he lived in nineteen seventy
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