A Little Bit Of Humour # 43

ARE YOU WEARING VELVET GLOVES?

Are you wearing velvet gloves?
Oh how elegantly you’re stood
Their addition, a touch of class
If anyone knew class, you would
They look so elegant on you
I just hope they feel as good

I WAS ONCE A MEDICAL STUDENT # 6

I was once a medical student
But it was harder than I thought
I was asked about terminal illness
Which isn’t being ill at an airport

MY GRANDFATHER TAKES FIVE SUGARS

My Grandfather takes five sugars
In his tea and yet he is very old
He remembers when sugar was good
In fact he said it was called white gold

SENIOR CLASSES

The biggest advantage
Of taking classes while in retirement
Is if you play hooky
No one is going to ring your parents

PUT DOWN # 55

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he starts spinning you a line
And he starts annoying you
Just say "Don't you have
A bowling game to get to?"

I BOUGHT MYSELF A SATNAV

I bought myself a Satnav
I got in the car, turned it on
And I put it on my dash

And it told me where I was
Like I didn’t know already
What a waste of bloody cash

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 312

Mary had a little rash
So she can’t do it anymore
But she said its ok for us
To use her back door

ARE YOU WEARING PATENT LEATHER BOOTS?

Are you wearing patent leather boots?
Well I’m as open minded as any other
But really? Thigh length leather boots
When we’re burying your mother

GSOH

A man likes a woman with a sense of humour
But he doesn’t want to hear her jokes
To him a good sense of humour means
That she is required to laugh at the blokes

BURNS NIGHT SUPPER

With Haggis, Tatties and Nips
The Scots celebrate Burns night
They pipe it in with Bagpipes
And that’s really not right
What the hell is wrong with them
I thought they actually liked him

IF YOU WANT TO AVOID

If you want to avoid
Disaster on a plate
Even though
They are first rate
Avoid eating Lobsters
On a first date

I COULDN’T GET THE OLD BANGER

I couldn’t get the old banger
Started this morning
I tried to get her to turn over
As the day was dawning
But to no avail, she just
Lay there yawning

ON A FIRST DATE DO NOT CHOOSE

On a first date do not choose
A restaurant to meet her
Because it’s not conducive
With your being a messy eater

THE WORLD HAS BECOME A SMALLER PLACE

The world has become a smaller place
And it will never be a big world again
But where ever you go things are the same
I wish I could uninvent the Aeroplane

SENT TO THE HEADMASTERS OFFICE

When I used to be sent to the headmasters office
I knew that the punishment would never be as bad
As having the ignominy of going and explaining my
Behaviour to my disappointed mum and dad