PLAYING FOOTSIE

 

He was not the brightest bloke

And he thought it’s fair to say

That the FTSE one hundred

Was some kind of foreplay

DAY BY DAY

 

Mums have Mother’s Day

Dad's have Father’s Day

Single girls have Valentine’s Day

Single men have Palm Sunday

AIR HEAD

 

Bimbette went to the airport

And saw a sign that said

“Airport left,” she turned around

And went home instead

PUBLIC INQUIRY

 

Our venerable leader Tony Blair

Stood smiling in the media glair

Andrew Gilligan stood by his story

As the PM lied to Liberal and Tory

The Alasdair Campbell dossier lied

And poor David Kelly was crucified

At the BBC Greg Dyke resigned as D.G.

Tony Blair smiled a bit too smugly

He wanted a way to keep the truth hid

That’s what the Hutton whitewash did

SENILE VIRUS

 

Send the same email twice

Emails are sent blank

No emails are sent to the right person

It makes you forward the mail back to the person who sent it to you

Libel to reply to people who mails you in error

Emails are sent to people you don’t know

Virus checkers quarantine your out going emails

It makes you forget to attach the attachments

Read emails are deleted before you’ve replied to them

Unread emails are sent straight to the trash

Send the email before you've finished typing it

CODE NAMED EPPING

 

I had occasion, this week to visit a close friend in hospital and while there I ran into another friend, Sheila who I hadn’t seen for about a year, who is a nurse.

She was on her way to get a coffee and as I had finished my visit and was on my way home, she suggested that I joined her so we could catch up.

So, half an hour and two cups of coffee later and having filled in the blanks of the previous twelve months we were joined by Karen another nurse.

As we sat their chatting over another cup of coffee I was intrigued as to why Karen kept referring to a third party as “Epping” for example “Epping did this” or “Epping did that”.

Finally, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked who Epping was and they both laughed, Karen almost hysterically, then Sheila explained that “Epping” was another nursing colleague called Su Monks.

I thought for a moment what the reason for calling her Epping might be, aware as I was that medical staff were famous for putting codes on patient notes such as NAB which translates to “needs a bath” or PITA “pain in the arse” I tried to decode Epping, the girls looked at me in amusement as I struggled, I even tried to find a link between Epping and the girls name but try as I may I could not translate Epping into anything so I had to ask.

“Alright I give in what does Epping mean”?

They both laughed again and then Sheila said, “We call her Epping because she’s just past Barking.”

ARE YOU WEARING A SPACESUIT?

Are you wearing a spacesuit?

Good that makes two of us

Because I'm an astronaut and

My mission is to explore Uranus