SLEEPING BEAUTIES

 

Men wake up looking pretty much as they did

The night before when they went to bed

While women wake up looking an awful fright

Because they manage to deteriorate during the night

ACUMEN AND WOMEN

 

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item

But only when it’s something he needs

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item

Because it’s on sale and not out of need

HAIR CARE FOR MEN

The great thing about being a man

Is you can have the same hairstyle for years

And waking in the morning with a moustache

Doesn’t make you burst into tears

But perhaps the best thing of all

You only have to shave your facial hairs

WHAT'S LONG AND HARD

What's long and hard and makes women moan?

I think that is universally known

Let us all shout out the answer in accord

The answer has to be an ironing board

FIRST GOD CREATED ADAM

 

First God created Adam

Then from Adams rib, created Eve

But why did God make man first

Why was a woman, not first conceived?

Well if the truth be told

God created Adam first you see

As you must have a rough draft

Before making the final copy

PLATEX WOMAN

 

What with middle age spread

And the force of gravity

Time has played havoc

With my once sylph like body

My hourglass figure is no more

Alas it’s more like a barometer case

And my “cross your heart” bra

Is more of a “cross your waist”

I THINK IT’S MISOGYNISTIC

 

I think it’s misogynistic

To use the word misogyny

I’m not being pedantic but

It should be ms-ogyny

HUMEROUS HAIKU # 7

 

God’s cruellest joke: when

Men figure how women work:

His manhood doesn’t

WOMEN WILL DRESS UP TO GO SHOPPING

 

Women will dress up to go shopping

And for doing chores and errands too

Whereas Men will dress up for Weddings

And funerals, but only if they have to

INTERNAL QUERY

 

Tell me ladies please tell me this

It’s a question that’s left me stressed 

Why does the gynaecologist

Leave the room while you get undressed?

SENNA MAN

 

Men are like Laxatives

For women it’s true

Because they irritate

The crap out of you

AN HOUR GLASS FIGURE

 

An Hourglass is Female

And I know it’s unfair and rotten

But it’s female because over time

The weight shifts to the bottom

GENDER.COM

 

Web Pages are Female,

This you can rely on

They are female because

They’re always getting hit on

SPONGESS

 

Sponges are Female,

Because they are soft,

Very squeezable

And retain water quite oft

COMMUNICATION

 

The three best forms

Of global communication

Are, television, telephone

And tell a woman

IF YOU’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

If you’ve been looking for

A committed man for ions,

You should have started

In the mental institution

ARE YOU WEARING BREAST TIGHTENING SERUM?

 

Are you wearing breast tightening serum?

No of course there is no disgrace

But I do think I should point out

That you don’t put it on your face

ARE YOU WEARING A STRAPLESS BRA?

 

Are you wearing a strapless bra?

With tits the size of yours

You’d have done better

Tucking then into your drawers

WOMEN

Women

Come in all forms

Tall short thin fat round flat

Willing able sound unstable

Women

WORKING WOMEN

 

WPC’S wearing stout shoes

Solicitors dressed in dark hues

Traffic wardens with attitude

Merry widows with gratitude

Highflying executives power suited

Farming lass’s Wellington booted

Essex girls in white stilettos

Shop assistants with painted toes

Cleaners and cooks in coloured tabards

Casino croupiers dealing cards

Any of the above I’m pleased to say

Will help to pass a wet day away