PRESIDENTIAL FLIGHT

 

When POTUS bought a new thoroughbred

It had to be flown across from London 

And as it was the Presidential Colt

It had to be flown over on AirHorse 1

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

I would like to go to Conclusions

But you have to jump there, so

As I can’t do much physical activity

I would have to reluctantly say no

I’M THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1

 

I’m thinking about taking a holiday

But I don’t know where to go

However I may end up in Sane

How I get there, I don’t know

As they don't have an airport

You can be driven there though

SETTING SAIL

 

Though you have been

A fair wind

Billowing my sails

My heart still craves

New shores

To beach my skiff upon

And it aches

For fresh new lands

Beneath my feet

So I must go

For you deserve better

And it would not

Be fair on you

If I were to settle

For my first port of call

I HAVE AN ANGEL ON MY DASHBOARD

 

I have an Angel on my dashboard

She’s my special lucky charm

I have an angel on my dashboard

Who’s keeping me from harm

THE WHITE HORIZONTAL PLUME

 

The white horizontal plume

Streams in its wake

Like a long grey ribbon

As the locomotive powers on

A truly romantic image

Of the great age of steam

LOST PROPERTY

 

I left two bottles of Whisky

On the train to Prestatyn

I thought them gone for ever

Until a nice man called Glynn

Of the lost property office

Telephoned me from Prestatyn

To say the man who found them

Had just been handed in

CRASH PROCEDURE

 

As the 747 was falling

Uncontrollably from the sky

A female passenger ripped off her clothes

And began to cry

“Can someone make me feel like a real woman?

Before I die”?

A man stood up and took off his shirt

“Here iron this,” said the guy

I’M READY FOR A HOLIDAY

I’m ready for a holiday

With blue skies and sand and sea

But if my wife doesn’t get pregnant

I’m taking her with me 

JANE AND I

 

“I’ve been to Wales with Jane”

I was told by my friend

“Then tomorrow Jane and I

Are going to Lands End”

“And I will probably take Jane

To London at the weekend”

I didn’t like to shatter his illusions

But I had to in the end

“Jane is the voice on your SatNav

She’s not a proper girlfriend”

AVIATION ASPIRATION

 

My daughter wants to be a pilot

At first, I was a little alarmed

But after I thought about it

My apprehension calmed

 

And I laughed at my foolishness

I felt silly, oh what a lark

After all it’s not as if

She will have to parallel park

BRITISH LADS ABROAD

 

British lads abroad

On the pull

Like what they see

With undiscerning eye

Out to play

Looking for an easy lay

On another 18-30 holiday

 

FURRY, FURRY DICE

Furry, furry dice

Nodding dogs that nod all day

Look out on the motorway

With eyes that know the despair in my soul.

Hold-ups on the hills,

Stretched for miles like bitter pills

Take a break because tiredness kills

The signs say all across this land

 

To the tune of Vincent  by Don McClean

BRITISH GIRLS ABROAD

 

British girls abroad

Fake tanned

Everything on display

Easy virtue

Easy lay

Begging for it?

Gagging for it?

Looking for it?

Perhaps not

But they know the way

SUMMER GIRLS

 

Summer girls

Glistening with suntan oils

Clad in bikinis

On yellow sunlit soils

And how the suitor

Athletically toils

To catch their eye

And so, take the spoils

THE FOURTH EMERGENCY SERVICE

 

I was driving to work this morning

It was just as the day was dawning

And I noticed a parked-up AA van

And next to it was a crying man

But properly weeping and wailing

Down on his knees with arms flailing

I just shook my head with a frown

I knew he was headed for a breakdown

DON’T GO IN THE WATER

I don’t like swimming in the sea

I don’t care what you say it’s not for me

It’s not that I’m scared of sharks or eels

Or that I don’t like how a jelly fish feels

It’s not even because of stone fish stings

Or the flotsam and jetsam the tide brings

You may think my phobia quite absurd

But I can’t be swimming along with a turd 

18-30 HOLS

 

I love the 18-30 hols

Making out with the foreign dolls

Some of them are just a bit flirty

Some of them are just plain dirty

Some of them are straight laced

Some of them are just two faced

And tell you No to your face

Then you see to their disgrace

They don’t have any underwear

Wearing nothing at all down there

Zonda pantaloon, uden undies

Nashi cami, fuera frillies

Bez briefs, No hose, senza smalls

Nicht knicks, Sans pants, bugger all

No thongs, panties or bloomers,

No knickers, big pants or drawers

Ilman, Gan, Sin, Uten, Utan, without

The dirty little minx’s are wearing nout

IN THE EVENT OF ???

 

When three out of four engines

Catastrophically fail during flight

You will still have enough power

To get you safely to the crash site

BOOKING OFFICE

I requested a train ticket to Paris

And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”

“Well, I've done a bit of telly”

I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”