SENIOR NETWORKING

 

A young lady I met in the street

Asked of me “Sir, do you tweet”?

I answered, “No, of course not

But I have to say I do trump a lot.”

LABOUR SAVING THINGAMAJIGS

 

At my age I can safely say

I do not need more gizmo’s

Labour saving thingamajigs

And gadgetry so-and-sos

The garage door opener

And the TV remote

With those two things

I can just about cope

And I sometimes find

Though they are useful

I get them mixed up

To be quite truthful

SENIOR COURTING

 

I have met a woman online

A fellow silver surfer

We had a date last night

And I really fancied her

 

But it’s been too many years

And I couldn’t satisfy her

I think I’m suffering

From penile dementia

HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS

 

I have come to the conclusion

That old age just isn’t fair

You know sometimes I find myself

Standing halfway up the stairs

Wondering if I was going up

Or coming back down from there

SENIOR CONVERSE

 

You should not as a general rule

Engage in converse in anyway

With one or more retirees

On almost any given day

Because they have nothing

But time to fill their day

Which they use in short

To think of silly things to say

SENIOR DILEMMA

 

Why is it that as I get older

My brain cells are dying

But my fat cells

Just keep on multiplying

SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE

 

There are benefits to getting old

Though you may feel you are cursed

But just remember in a hostage situation

You are likely to be released first

HAPPY HOURS

 

I always liked happy hour

Well, when I was a younger chap

Now at my age I’m afraid

Happy hour is taking a little nap

CRS

 

I’ve been diagnosed with CRS

Yes, I think that’s it

I forget what it means

Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”

BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD

 

Do you know why it is?

That old people like to keep a pet

Is it for the exercise?

Or a bit of company, better yet

 

Well, the truth of it is

And this will leave you all agog

It’s so when they bend down and break wind

They can blame it on the dog

RETIRED?

 

I was tired yesterday

And I’m tired again today

That makes me re-tired I’d say

SENIOR SPEED

 

People speed

For many reasons

Some are disorganised,

Some are late,

Some are impatient,

Some have no sense of direction,

For some it’s an emergency

That fuels their urgency

But for me, as a retiree

I have to drive fast

To get there before I forget

Where it is I’m going

YOUNG AT HEART

 

Young at heart

Well, that’s a start

You’re only as old as you feel

Isn’t that the deal?

Well in my heart I feel young

But when all said and done

Being young at heart, let’s face it

Still means you’re older in other places

SENIOR RETIREMENT

 

At last, I’m retired

It’s just what I desired

So goodbye to the tension

And hello to my pension

DOG-DAY AFTERNOON

 

I start in the morning

With a spring in my step

Like an excited puppy

Full of vigour and pep

But at the end of the day

I walk with a heavier step

And feel less like a puppy

And more like “old shep”

DOCTOR MANNERS

 

Elsie went to see her doctor

Because of persistent back pain

The doctor was less than sympathetic

Having to examine her again

“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before

Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”

Elsie demanded a second opinion

He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”

HELP LINE # 3

 

I phoned the incontinence help line today

To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”

In the hope of having my condition assuaged

But try as I might it was always engaged

HELP LINE # 2

I phoned the incontinence help line today

“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”

But I was extremely disappointed to be told

By the disembodied voice that I should hold 

SENIOR TRUTH

If I must tell the truth about getting old,

Then I shall put all my cards on the table

Even when I’m naked I still want to

Slip into something more comfortable 

SENIOR CONTRACEPTION

 

Jimmy was in his seventies

And took himself a young wife

His biggest concern was fatherhood

At his time of life

 

“What birth control would you suggest?

Which would be best for me?”

He asked his doctor, who replied

“I think in your case, nudity”