KEYBOARDS

 

In the 1970’s I was big into

Keyboards and synthesizers

I like Wakeman, and Emerson

In fact I was a moog sympathizer

INCONSIDERATE NEIGHBOURS

 

At 3am there was a knock at the door

It was my neighbour, the cheeky little strumpet

3 o’clock in the morning, can you believe that?

Having the door knocked by some bit of crumpet

All I can say is that it was lucky for the little madam

I was still up playing my trumpet

TOOTING

 

Come and hear grandpa play

His tuneful little flageolet

Come hear the Zufolo toot

And listen to his fipple flute

DESCENDING SCALE

 

The piano fell down

The mineshaft

And I know that

It sounds a bit daft

 

There was a cacophony

From the Bechstein-er

That eventually resulted

In A flat miner

CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICK, CHICKEN

 

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,

Lay a little egg for me.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken,

I want one for my tea

And this time if I don’t get one.

You’ll be dead by half past three.

So, chick, chick, chick, chicken,

They’ll be chicken for my tea

QUEUE JUMPERS

 

Outside a popular night club

A set of jump leads were queuing

The bouncer said, “I'll let you in

As long but don't start anything”

AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

 

At the foot of my bed

As in my bed I laid

I saw Gloria Gaynor’s ghost

At first, I was afraid........

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST

 

The shepherd lad called shep,

Though that was a Sobriquet,

Watched over his ragged flock

As he sat playing his flageolet

 

So enchanting was the melody

Played on his small fipple flute

It mesmerised the watching wolf

Making him easier to shoot

THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 2

 

If Scottish dancers

Come from Scotland

And Irish dancers

Come from Ireland

Are Pole dancers

From Poland?

STEAMER

 

Steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer

Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no

I said steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer

Well can’t you put the lid on the pan? Oh no

I said “my God, what a size, a girth, a length it is

You know – well you know you left it hummin in view

Now there's not a lot I can do

Sung to the tune of Dreamer by Supertramp

A REAL HUMDINGER

 

A man made a boast

It was a real humdinger

“I can turn this duck

Into a soul singer”

 

He repeated his boast

Despite being mocked

And made a wager

That left them shocked

 

They took the bet

That was a real humdinger

To see him turn a duck

Into a soul singer

 

He said as he took the duck

That he called Mr Smithers

“Now I’ll put it in the microwave

Until its bill withers”

PEARL’S A SINGER

 

Pearl's a singer,

She stands up,

When she plays the piano

In a night club

 

Pearl has a sister,

She really pongs

And that’s why she’s lonely

Her job was entertaining folks,

Singing songs and telling jokes

In a nightclub

 

Shirl’s her sister, and they say,

That she once was a winner, now she’s hopeless

Shirl's a minger, and they say,

That she once had a shower

They said it was about a year a go

When she succumbed to the B.O.

It was rancid

 

Shirl’s a minger

She stands out

Coz she won’t lose the BO

In a bathtub

70’S MUSICAL DESERT

 

The forties

Brought us swing

The fifties

Brought us rock and roll

The sixties

Brought us the Beatles

The seventies

Brought us bugger all

ARTIE

 

When Artie Shaw

Was the King of Swing

His liquorice stick

Was made to sing

 

With a beat

To tap your toe too

Or melodies

To serenade you

 

Swing to get the kids

A jumping

Tunes to get the blood

A pumping

 

Artie Shaw and his

Tuneful clarinet

The King of Swing

Was as good as they get

A FISHY DEMISE

 

I’ve lost all of my tropical fish

And it’s my neighbour I have to thank

Because he plays his music so loud

It caused a tsunami in my fish tank

BIX

 

Leon Bismark "Bix" Beiderbecke

(March 10, 1903 – August 6, 1931)

 

It was said of Bix

That his Cornet spat out notes

Like shooting bullets at a bell

And his solos sounded as sweet

As a girl saying yes.

Bix Beiderbecke was simply the best

He was at the birth of hot music

His light illuminated

The jazz age

His Cornet accompanied

The roaring twenties

He was a romantic legend,

The young man with a Horn

But in keeping with the character

Of the very best of youth

His flame burned very brightly

But equally it burned quickly

And like the most beautiful star

He burned himself out

All too soon

Bix lived for the jazz

But died for the booze

KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY

 

I have to say my heart was gladdened

When I heard Katie Melua sing

China has obviously come a long way

If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing

FIVE GALS NAMED JO

 

Jo the trumpet

The musical strumpet

She was crumpet

But her lips were hard and dry

 

Jo with the deep voice

Oh how I rejoice

She was so very choice

With no Adams apple I’m pleased To say

 

Jo with the flat chest

Had nothing inside her vest

But I was still blessed

For she had other attributes

 

Jo with the all over tan

Jo Jo the can can

The perfect gift for man

Had a beautiful white toothed smile

 

Jo the pretty faced

With the narrow waist

Was to everyone’s taste

Even the other Jo’s

MY FAVOURITE THINGS, NOT

 

Black spot-on roses and fingerless mittens

Green stinging nettles and flea ridden kittens

All creepy crawlies and insects with wings

These are a few of my un-favourite things

 

When my back aches

When my head spins

When I’m fighting mad

I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.

 

Girls in tight trousers too small for their arses

People pretending that they don’t wear glasses

Long bitter winters and damp dismal springs

These are a few of my un-favourite things

 

When my back aches

When my head spins

When I’m fighting mad

I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.

 

People who talk while I’m watching the telly

Women who show off too much of their bellies

Anyone who whistles and tunelessly sings

These are a few of my un-favorite things

 

When my back aches

When my head spins

When I’m fighting mad

I just remember my un-favourite things,
And then I feel twice as bad.

DAVY JONES DISCO

 

If you go to a seafood disco

For a tango and a tussle

Don’t complain about bad luck

If you only pull a muscle