BEWARE THE IDES…

Caesar and Brutus were talking one day

About the phones with the most cachet

They discussed the best deals of the day

Then friend Brutus thought to say

“What network are you with by the way?”

Caesar promptly replied “O2 Brute” 

CONDOM

 

In the Middle Ages

The condom was invented

Using a goat's lower intestine

So, pregnancy could be prevented

It was an innovation of its time

But birth rates were un-dented

So, a simple modification was made

Resulting in a drop in births

They simply removed the intestine

From the goat first

APPARENTLY IN DAYS OF YORE

 

Apparently in days of yore,

Evidence has come to light,

That dragon’s slept in the day

So they could fight knights

Uncanny Tales – (49) Kentish Holiday

 

My mum’s family were born and bred in Bermondsey, East London, at a time when poor really meant poor and there was no Welfare State safety net.

In those days you worked, or you went without and even if you did work you didn’t earn a lot and there was nothing left for luxuries, for example you didn’t have a holiday as there was no money for that.

No one got to go off to Skegness for two weeks by the sea at the taxpayers’ expense like those on benefits today.

The closest thing the East Londoners got to a holiday was the three weeks in September spent in the Kent countryside picking hops.

Apart from the working men folk, the whole family migrated to the Kent hop fields using whatever means of transport suited their pocket, my Great Aunty Kay couldn’t afford the train or bus, so she walked.

It took her three days to walk and she would sleep in the hedgerows or woods along the route and she would work extra hard so she could afford the train home otherwise she walked back to Stepney as well.

While in Kent they worked hard for three weeks every September picking the hop flowers and filling bushel baskets and earned every penny.

My grandmother used the money to buy shoes and winter clothes for the kids and if she was careful, she had enough left over to save a bob or two for Christmas.

THE LAST THING THAT KING HAROLD SAID

The last thing that King Harold said

On the day that he died

During the Battle of Hastings?

Was "I spy with my little eye" 

13TH CENTURY SCOTLAND

 

In 13th century Scotland:

A law passed fining men

For refusing proposals

If they are an eligible man

On February 29^th

BECAUSE OF HER CONFIDENT STRIDE

 

Because of her confident stride

Everyone noticed Anne Boleyn

And the King set his cap at her

As her rivals would only amble in

THE OCTOBER REVOLUTION

The October Revolution

Is something to remember

But the Russians don’t

Celebrate it until November 

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – GREEN FOR DANGER (1946)

 

“Green for Danger” is a crime thriller, based on the book by Christianna Brand and Directed by Sidney Gilliat.

The film is set in a rural English hospital during World War II, where a postman Joseph Higgins (Moore Marriott) dies on the operating table after which one of the theatre staff Sister Carter (Wendy Thompson) states publicly that Higgins was murdered and she has proof of who the murderer is, but before she can unmask the killer she is then murdered herself.

So the facetious and enigmatic Scotland Yard Inspector Cockrill (Alastair Sim) arrives to investigate and very soon suspects one of the doctors and nurses who were in the operating theatre during the surgery to be the assassin, but which one?

In this straightforwardly plotted mystery Leo Genn, Henry Edwards, Trevor Howard, Ronald Adam, Judy Campbell, Wendy Thompson, Rosamund John, Sally Gray and Megs Jenkins make up the medical contingent in a little gem from the heyday of British Cinema.

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – COTTAGE TO LET (1941)

 

“Cottage to Let” is a wartime comedy thriller, based on the play by Geoffrey Kerr, adapted by Anatole de Grunwald and J.O.C. Orton and Directed by Anthony Asquith.

The story is centred around a Scottish Estate during World War II with a cottage to let where the landowner is also a key British military inventor John Barrington (Leslie Banks), who is working to perfect a bomb sight with his assistant Alan Trently (Michael Wilding).

So it is no surprise that the cottage becomes a focus of attention when,  not only the new tenant Charles Dimble (Alastair Sim), but a London evacuee Ronald (George Cole) and a downed RAF fighter pilot Flt·Lieut. Perry (John Mills), all arrive at the same time, no thanks to the very scatterbrained Mrs. Barrington (Jeanne De Casalis).

The Germans are desperate to get their hands on the new bomb sight or its creator and someone either in the main house or the cottage is a Nazi agent and the only security is a Scotland Yard flatfoot posing as the Butler Evans (Wally Patch).

Other characters crucial to the tale are Mrs. Trimm (Muriel George), Dr. Truscott (Hay Petrie), Mrs. Stokes (Catherine Lacey) and the romantic interest comes from Helen Barrington (Carla Lehmann).

Cottage to Let is a very enjoyable film and should not be missed.

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – WENT THE DAY WELL? (1942)

 

“Went the Day Well?” is a World War II thriller, based on the story by Graham Greene and Directed by Alberto Cavalcanti.

The residents of an English village during WWII welcome a platoon of soldiers who are to be billeted with them, but the trusting residents eventually discover that the soldiers are really German paratroopers who proceed to hold the village captive in advance of a planned invasion.

The Germans block all the roads, so no one is allowed in or out, so the villagers must try to smuggle someone out to alert the outside world to the impending invasion.     

 

“Went the Day Well?” is one not to be missed and is very watchable with a large familiar cast that reads as a veritable who’s who of British Cinema in the 1930’s and 40’s including;

Leslie Banks, C.V. France, Valerie Taylor, Marie Lohr, Harry Fowler, Norman Pierce, Frank Lawton, Elizabeth Allan, Thora Hird, Muriel George, Patricia Hayes, Mervyn Johns, Hilda Bayley, Edward Rigby, Johnnie Schofield, Ellis Irving, Philippa Hiatt, Grace Arnold, Basil Sydney, David Farrar and John Slater.

I DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT OBE STANDS FOR

 

I don’t know exactly what OBE stands for

It’s one of those honours list pleasantries

But it would seem that if you’ve got one

You were a child molester in the Seventies

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – IN WHICH WE SERVE (1942)

“In Which We Serve” is a World War II drama, written by Noël Coward   and Directed by Noël Coward and David Lean.

It tells the story of a British Naval Destroyer, H.M.S. Torrin, from its construction on the Clyde to its sinking during action in the Mediterranean Sea in World War II, and is told in flashbacks by the survivors as they cling to a life raft.

Among them are the ship's commanding officer Captain E.V. Kinross (Noël Coward), Ordinary Seaman Shorty Blake (John Mills), Chief Petty Officer Walter Hardy (Bernard Miles), Stoker (Richard Attenborough) and Flags (Michael Wilding).

But although the men have served valiantly and heroically in their time aboard the Torrin we also get to see the stoic and determined women behind them, Alix Kinross (Celia Johnson), Freda Lewis (Kay Walsh), Kath Hardy (Joyce Carey) and Maureen (Penelope Dudley Ward).

 

“In Which We Serve” is a shameless story about naval heroism and was based on Lord Mountbatten's wartime experiences and is a compelling and highly rated piece of British cinema history.

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – LOVE STORY (1944)

“Love Story” is a romantic drama Directed by Leslie Arliss based on the short story by J.W. Drawbell.

Concert pianist Lissa Campbell (Margaret Lockwood) learns that she has a serious heart condition after a spate of fainting spells, so she vows to enjoy what time she has left and gives up her music career.

On taking her first holiday for many years she meets Kit Firth (Stewart Granger) in Cornwall, a former pilot on medical leave after being having his sight impaired by an exploding bomb while on active service.

As a former mining engineer he fills his days searching the local mines and locates a rare mineral Britain desperately needs for the war effort, which is of interest to a Government appointee Tom Tanner (Tom Walls) who is staying at the same hotel and has struck up a friendship with Lissa.

Tom sends in a team of miners to begin production but following an explosion, Kit and several others are trapped, but due to his knowledge of the mine workings, he leads the others to safety.

But he has greater challenges ahead as he needs to undergo an operation, that will hopefully save his sight and Lissa must decide if she is to return to music or stay by his side or selflessly allow the relationship between Kit and long term friend Judy Martin (Patricia Roc) to come to fruition.

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – RANDOM HARVEST (1942)

 

“Random Harvest” is a romantic drama, based on James Hilton’s book of the same name and directed by Mervyn LeRoy.

Charles Rainier (Ronald Colman) a shell shocked veteran of World War I wanders out of the sanatorium and meets music hall star Paula Greer Garson who nurses him back to health and marry and settle happily into a quiet humble life, until he is involved in an accident which restores his original memories of a former life of wealth and privilege while erases all recollection of his post-war life.

So, a quiet and humble man disappears, and another man long missing as a casualty of war, turns up and claims his vast inheritance.

So, what of his devoted wife Paula, whom he no longer recognizes, what is she to do to reclaim her love? And will love conquer all in the end?

The film remains true to the Hilton novel and is one of the most beautiful and tender movies I have ever seen.

The acting is flawless, the cinematography memorable, the characterizations multi-dimensional, the scenery gorgeous and the peerless direction adds to the pleasure.

A strong supporting cast aids the story telling

Susan Peters as Kitty, Henry Travers as Dr Sims, Reginald Owen as Biffer, Bramwell Fletcher as Harrison and Philip Dorn as Dr Benet.

A film not to be missed.

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE LADY VANISHES (1938)

 

“The Lady Vanishes” is a thriller based on the story “The Wheel Spins” by Ethel Lina White and directed by Alfred Hitchcock.

While travelling in continental Europe, a rich young playgirl, Iris Matilda Henderson (Margaret Lockwood), her friends Blanche and Julie (Googie Withers and Sally Stewart) are stranded in the mountainous European country of Mandrika, along with the rest of the passengers on a scheduled train delayed for 24 by a day due to an avalanche, and as a result they are forced to spend the night in an overcrowded Inn.

The next day Iris says goodbye to her girlfriends before heading back to England to get married but she receives a blow to the head from a falling flower pot and a middle aged English governess named Miss Froy (Dame May Whitty) takes her under her wing, and they spend some time in the dining car before taking their seats in their compartment where Iris promptly falls asleep.

When she wakes up Miss Froy is nowhere to be seen and she knew she was on the train but none of the people who saw them together will corroborate her story and she is universally dismissed and a possible concussion is cited as the cause.

Only one person is prepared to humour her, an Englishman named Gilbert Redman (Michael Redgrave), a musicologist, but will his help be enough to find Miss Froy?

 

As you would expect with a Hitchcock Classic there is a depth of quality in the cast to drive the story, Cecil Parker and Linden Travers as the Todhunter’s, Basil Radford and Naunton Wayne as Charters and Caldicott, Catherine Lacy as the Nun and Mary Clare as Baroness Athona all contribute to a great film.

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – MRS. MINIVER (1942)

 

“Mrs. Miniver” is a romantic war drama based on the story by Jan Struther and directed by William Wyler.

It tells the story of the Miniver’s, an English middle-class family, as they experience life in the first months of World War II.

The film opens with Mrs Miniver (Greer Garson) returning on the train to the idyllic village where she lives after a shopping trip to London and is desperately trying to figure out how to tell her husband Clem (Walter Pidgeon) she has squandered far too much on a frivolous new hat, although she needn’t have worried because Clem was in a similar position as he’d bought himself a new car.

When she disembarks from the train, the stationmaster, Mr. Ballard (Henry Travers), asks Mrs Miniver’s permission to name a rose he's cultivated after her for the flower show, and her gracelful acceptance brings about her first encounter with Lady Beldon (Dame May Whitty) the formidable Lady of the Manor.

However it was not to be the last, because their oldest son, Vin (Richard Ney), having left Oxford for the RAF, courts and marries Lady Beldon's granddaughter Carol (Teresa Wright).

But war touched the people of the village, Clem took his small boat to Dunkirk and his wife captured a downed German Pilot and again more tragically when a bad raid took the lives of several villagers on the day of the flower show, including newlywed Carol.

The film won a host of Oscars including Best Picture, Best Actress for Greer Garson, Best Supporting Actress for Teresa Wright, Best Director for William Wyler, and all well deserved.
While there were also other nominations, Walter Pidgeon for Best Actor, Henry Travers for Best Supporting Actor and Dame May Witty for Best Supporting Actress, but lost to her fellow cast member Teresa Wright.
I think it was the penultimate scene between Greer Garson and Teresa Wright that won them both Oscars.

But judge for yourselves, I would suggest that you have to see it, I can't say more than that; the hardest of hearts will be moved.

ALL-TIME CLASSIC MOVIE FAVOURITES – THE DAWN PATROL (1938)

 

“Dawn Patrol” is a war drama based on the story by John Monk Saunders and Directed by Edmund Goulding.

In 1915 in France, Major Brand (Basil Rathbone) has the burden of command of the 39th Squadron of the Royal Flying Corps sending pilots to almost certain death every day.

The young airmen go up daily in bullet-riddled “crates” and the casualty rate is appalling, but Brand can't make the high command at headquarters see reason, and if that was not enough insubordinate air ace Captain Courtney (Errol Flynn) and his sidekick Scott (David Niven) are constant thorns in Brand's side.

The film is a very gritty and accurate look at life, and death, in a Royal Flying Corps fighter squadron and has a strong supporting cast including, Donald Crisp, Melville Cooper, Barry Fitzgerald, Carl Esmond, Peter Willes and Morton Lowry.

ODIUM

 

It’s in a state of disgrace

Resulting from detestable behaviour

Where hatred and contempt reign

And despicable acts are the norm

Simple pure unadulterated odium

Hatred and condemnation

Loathing and contempt

Disrepute or infamy

Hate coupled with disgust

Pure unadulterated odium

That’s why I avoid the forum

KENTISH HOLIDAY

 

My mum’s family were born and bred in Bermondsey, East London at a time when poor really meant poor and there was no welfare state safety net.

In those days you worked, or you went without and even if you did work you didn’t earn a lot and there was nothing left for luxuries.

For example, you didn’t have was a holiday there was no money for that.

No one got to go off to Benidorm for two weeks in the sun at the taxpayers’ expense like those on benefits today.

The closest thing the East Londoners got to a holiday was the three weeks in September spent in the Kent countryside picking hops.

Apart from the working men folk the whole family migrated to the Kent hop fields using whatever means of transport suited their pocket.

My Aunty Kay couldn’t afford the train or bus, so she walked.

It took her three days to walk, and she would sleep in the hedgerows or woods along the route, and she would work extra hard so she could afford the train home otherwise she walked back to Stepney as well.

They worked hard for three weeks every September picking the hop flowers and filling bushel baskets

My grandmother used the money to buy winter clothes for the kids and hopefully have enough left over to save a bob or two for Christmas