MY DOCTOR SAYS

 

My doctor says

I have been in continent,

But I don't know

 

I can’t remember

But if the doctor is right

Then where did I go?

FAST FOOD

 

There are so many folks at the pie shop

Who have trouble with their legs

And need to ride little scooters

So why not open a drive thru Greggs

A MEDICAL MIRACLEA MEDICAL MIRACLE - The alphabet of doom

The alphabet of doom

 

(I’m)

Arthritic,

Bronchial,

Calloused,

(And)

Decaying,

 

Exitial,

Flatulent,

Gaseous,

(And)

Haemorrhoidal,

 

Incontinent,

Jaundiced,

Knackered,

Liver spotted,

(And)

Myopic,

 

Neuralgic,

Overdue,

Preoperative,

(And)

Queasy,

 

Rheumatic,

Shaky,

Tremulous,

Unviable,

(And)

Viral,

 

(A)

Worrywart,

Xanthochroic,

Yellow

(And)

Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

 

(I’m)

Arthritic,

Bronchial,

Calloused,

(And)

Decaying,

 

Exitial,

Flatulent,

Gaseous,

(And)

Haemorrhoidal,

 

Incontinent,

Jaundiced,

Knackered,

Liver spotted,

(And)

Myopic,

 

Neuralgic,

Overdue,

Preoperative,

(And)

Queasy,

 

Rheumatic,

Shaky,

Tremulous,

Unviable,

(And)

Viral,

 

(A)

Worrywart,

Xanthochroic,

Yellow

(And)

Zeroed
(And that’s on a good day)

NOT A FOREIGN INVADER

 

Not a foreign invader

But an alien being

Inside me

Living, breathing

Growing stronger

Day by day

While I weakened

And in its strength

Is the knowledge

That it will not survive me

Cannot outlive me

Yet it is content

To kill me

Knowing it will end itself

DOCTORED ACCOUNT

 

My Doctor gave me six months to live.

Because I was terribly ill

But then he gave me another six months

When I said I couldn’t pay his bill

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?

Well that’s what Support groups are for

We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.

Just remember to use the back door

SUPPORT GROUP – WEIGHT PROBLEMS

 

Do you suffer from a weight problem?

Well that’s what Support groups are for

We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the large double door

 

HEALTHY EATING

 

I’m trying to eat more healthily

Because you really can’t beat it

But when I buy rocket salad

It goes off before I can eat it

MEDICAL MIRACLE

 

I’ve avoided most diseases

Nature has deployed

But I’m suffering the effects

Of a life well enjoyed

Now I keep twenty doctors

Gainfully employed

MY DEAR OLD MOTHER

 

My dear old mother

Recently passed away

But it came to my attention

Only the other day

That she was in fact killed

By a “Mrs A”

ANAPHYLAXIS

 

I had to go to the hospital today

After I had been stung by a bee

And my head really swelled up

But the doctors said not to worry

It was just caused by anaphylaxis

Which I have to say surprised me

Because I went to school with her

And I thought she really liked me

LET’S SPLIT

I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits

It’s an ambition since my earliest days

The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”

I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”

NHS CUT BACKS # 10

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Which may leave the institution blighted

Audiologists haven’t heard a thing

And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted

Plastic Surgeons are being two faced

But Pathologists are dead against change

Podiatrists think them a step backwards

While Psychiatrists think them deranged

NHS CUT BACKS # 9

The NHS has plans to save money

But it is unclear who will oppose the plans

Radiologists can see through them

But the Surgeons just washed their hands

Hospital managers had a meeting and claimed

It will be a steep learning curve

While the Urologists wet themselves.

And the Neurologists lost their nerve

NHS CUT BACKS # 8

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Paediatricians think them too tough

But their complaints have been rejected

As they are not considered grown up enough

NHS CUT BACKS # 7

 

The NHS has plans to save money

But they plan’s maybe hard to pass

The Proctologists have responded

By telling them to stick them up their arse

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

 

I’ve just got back from Spain

Where I was taken queer

And not understanding a foreign quack

Was my biggest fear

 

Well, when we got to his gaff

 You’ll never guess what I saw

“English speaking Doctor”

 Written large upon the door

 

I thought what a good idea

A real turn up I would say

Then I got to wonder why

We don’t have them in the UK

NHS CUT BACKS # 6

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Which Pharmacologists won’t follow

Because they feel the cuts

Are simply a bitter pill to swallow

NHS CUT BACKS # 5

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Which some seem to accept, though

Cardiologists for example

Don’t have the heart to say no

NHS CUT BACKS # 4

 

The NHS has plans to save money

Which ENT consultants won’t follow

They won’t hear of budget cuts

They think the plans quite shallow

Which have got up their noses

And they find them hard to swallow