FORTUNE COOKIE

 

When you’ve finished your dinner

A fortune cookie would suit yer

But if there is no fortune in it

That means you don’t have a future

I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND PRAWN BREAD

I haven’t been able to find prawn bread

I have searched from coast to coast

So, what I really want to know now is

How on earth do they make prawn toast 

A MAJOR NEW BIOPIC IS PLANNED

 

A major new Biopic is planned

So British film fans stand by

It is about Greggs the Bakers

It will be called “The Life of Pie”

I’M NOT DAIRY OR GLUTEN INTOLERANT

 

I’m not dairy or gluten intolerant

Nor do I follow the sugar free fad

I don’t need to entertain them,  

I’m tolerant of all foods and I’m glad

YOU CAN TRAIN ANIMALS TO DO ANYTHING

 

You can train animals to do anything

I don’t know where it will stop

We have a Pole dancing sheep

In the window of the kebab shop

AFTER BEING CAUGHT USING

 

After being caught using an

Abhorrent substance in plain view

The shamed sportsman has promised

Never again to touch tofu

AFTER BEING CAUGHT, WITH NO EXCUSE

 

After being caught, with no excuse

For abhorrent substance abuse 

The shamed sportsman has sworn

Never again to touch Quorn

WHINGING BRITS ABROAD # 1

 

We went on holiday to Goa in India

We won’t go back in a hurry

I was disgusted to find that almost

Every restaurant served curry

MY UNCLE’S FAVOURITE TREAT

 

My uncle’s favourite treat

Is Millionaire’s shortbread

But since he won the lottery

He just calls it shortbread

I’M NOT A FUSSY EATER AND THERE ISN’T

 

I’m not a fussy eater and there isn’t

Much I won’t eat out of choice

But I will not eat an oyster because

It’s like licking phlegm off a tortoise

WE LEARNED ABOUT FOOD GROUPS TODAY AT SCHOOL

 

We learned about food groups today at school

Confections, vegetables, meat, and protein

Dairy, fruits, grains, pulses, and legumes

But what about Alcohol, Nicotine and Caffeine

MY GRANDDAD WON’T EAT BROWN BREAD

 

My granddad won’t eat brown bread

Because he doesn’t have to anymore

When he was a boy his whole family

Had to eat it because they were poor

IT WAS A FLAMBOYANT THING

 

It was a flamboyant thing

With a corresponding price tag

But a Black Forest Gateaux

Was really a sponge cake in drag

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR GOLDEN DELICIOUS

You can keep your Golden Delicious

I don’t want to eat them anymore

I want a flavour that isn’t fleeting

So, a Cox’s apple is quality to the core 

ARE YOU WEARING PROTECTION?

 

Are you wearing protection?

It may have been a wise selection

Not that I’m some kind of Lolita

It’s just that I’m a messy eater

DIETING TIP # 9

Things licked off knives and spoons,

Which can be any soupcon or delicacy,

During the process of preparation

Are absolutely devoid of calories 

ONE POTATO TWO POTATO

Roast potato

New potato

Boiled potato

Sure

Mashed potato

Waffled potato

Baked potato

More

Wedges with dips

Hash browns and Chips

You should eat your fill

Of the Dublin mixed grill

THE LATEST FOOD SCANDAL

 

The latest food scandal

Has been the subject of scorn

When Veggie burgers were

Found to contain uni quorn

PLAYING "COLONEL BOGEY"

Playing "colonel bogey"

I hear the chimes call

Come get an ice cream

Come one and come all

Nothing says it quite like

"Hitler has only got one ball".

PINEAPPLE DUFFER

 

When my Dad was just a boy

Pineapple slices came in a tin

And had he put it on his dinner

Bedlam would have taken him