PREPARING THE BIRD

The best way to prepare
Your turkey this Christmas
Is to keep it simple
To minimize the fuss
To my way of thinking
The best method to apply
Is just be straight
And say “Turkey, you’re going to die”

OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR

If when you look in the mirror
And you see NO beer belly
NO complexion like cracked leather
NO bald head or nose like a strawberry
If when you look in the mirror
And it doesn’t look like you have three arses
Or have varicose veins on your lily white legs
Then you need to wear glasses

ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS?

It was in a seedy club
Where I spied her in the gloom
And I knew I wanted her
As our eyes met across the room

Are you wearing stockings?
Is the answer no or yes
Your buttocks say oh
And your hips say guess

I liked what I saw before me
It was lust at first sight
We didn’t speak as she took my hand
And led me out into the night

We painted the town red
Then after a night of carousel
She took me to her apartment
To quell her burning arousal

It was a mutual wanting
A primeval burning passion
A need for physicality
A time to enjoy each sensation

There was a moment’s hesitation
As we stood face to face
Then primitive and animal
We touched in coarse embrace

I fingered her through the silk
Until she moaned her sighs
Then I pulled her pants down
Her long stocking-ed thighs

My hand returned to her lips
And I probed her creamy-ness
Rhythmically stroking her
Until I brought her to the abyss

Kneeling before her writhing form
My mouth set off on a quest
To kiss my way along her leg
To taste the her tangy-ness

I reach her stocking top
And the softness of her thighs
My cheek against her skin
As I sought out the dewy prize

I tasted her until she shuddered
And let out a stifled shout
Then she unzipped me quickly
And tugged me roughly out

She kissed me with urgency
And could taste herself on my lips
While her hand tugged on me
I pulled her skirt above her hips

But then she was on her knees
And her mouth was all about me
As she sucked on my shaft
Sucking me to the point of ecstasy

I was beginning to lose control
Would she drink her fill of me?
Would she wear my necklace?
Or would her loins envelope me

The answer quickly came
As she pulled me to the floor
Where she rode me like a dervish
Until I could give her no more

And then we lay entwined
On the floor of her apartment
Enjoying the afterglow
With our passions well spent

CAT BOY

My son is like a cat
There’s no doubt of that
All day long he sleeps
While the daylight seeps
Then with a few cat licks
He hits the pavement bricks
And stays out all night
Returning at first light
To where he resides
And when he slinks inside
Without a single word
He brings with him a tatty bird

I WOULD IF I COULD

I would if I could
But I can’t so I shan’t
How good if I should
But I can’t which I grant
If I could I know I would
But I can’t so I shan’t
Oh how good if I should
But I chant I can’t, I can’t

DECEMBER REMEMBRANCES

Every year during the festivities
I remember friends and family
Those who are no longer with us
To celebrate another Christmas
And with each passing December
It seems there are more to remember
But I take time in equal measure
To enjoy each moment and to treasure
Those special ones who are still here
Whose number also grows year on year

THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL

If you seek a special gift
The greatest gift of all
Don’t look beneath your tree
It was never there at all
The greatest Christmas gift
Was given to us all
The Christ child in a manger
In a lowly cattle stall

OH JESUS SON OF MARY

Its time to celebrate
Our saviour’s birth
Its time to mark
The day he came to earth

Its Christmas again
Its time to rejoice
Its time to sing
And to our praise give voice

So praise the Prince of peace
Our majesty of mercy
Hallelujah Son of God
Oh Jesus Son of Mary

THIS CHRISTMAS TIME

This Christmas Time
When you celebrate the day
With friends and family
Good spirits on display
When your dining table
Is full to overflowing
Everyone cosily warm
With the firelight glowing
And you sit in your armchair
With your waist band straining
Opening all the presents
When outside its cold and raining
When you have over indulged
To the point of gluttony
Take a moment to think
About the all too many
Spare a thought for the needy
For the tired and the weary
Or those who are just lonely
The cold and the hungry
The numerous homeless
The defenceless and the helpless
Enjoy this Christmas Time a lot
But think of those who cannot

I LOVE CHRISTMAS

I love Christmas when it comes around
The smells and tastes, the sights and sounds
I love the Christmassy Cinnamon smells
The Carol singers and chiming church bells
I love to see the advent candle burning
The excited faces all the children yearning
I love the gifts done up with ribbons and bows
And Red faced Santa’s calling ho ho ho
I love the merry songs about the season of Yule
And handmade decs brought from school
I love trimming the tree with festive things
Like candy canes and popcorn strings
I love the twinkling of the Christmas lights
And the garlands hanging colourful and bright
But the thing that makes the season for me
Is kissing my love beside the Christmas tree

A MOTHERS CHRISTMAS TALE

I have worked for Ebenezer Scrooge all year
A man devoid of any sign of Christmas cheer
I’ve avoided being kissed by the office Romeo
By navigating the office avoiding mistletoe
As the time is ticking towards Christmas day
I could have done with a little help along the way
I’ve dealt with shoppers impatient and rude
But I tried to stay cheerful while I queued
I’ve bought all the presents the paper and bows
I’ve put up with all the countless ho ho ho’s
I’ve got all the groceries and gallons of booze
While you sat in front of the telly and snoozed
I’ve decked the halls I’ve trimmed the tree
I’ve wrapped all the presents from you and me
I’ve written all the Christmas cards to everyone
Which I hand delivered though I posted some
I’ve cleaned the whole house from bottom to top
I’ve washed and ironed till I’m ready to drop
I’ve prepared the veg, I’ve stuffed the bird
I’ve hung the stockings and you’ve not stirred
And the very second I take a minute for me
The first thing I hear is “Mum, what’s for tea”
So to Santa Claus I make my annual plea
For a very special present just for me
Just one year I would like to escape this stress
So that I too can have a merry Christmas

CHRIST IS IN CHRISTMAS

I Remember in December
That the reason for the season
Is that Christ is in Christmas
And he is there for all of us
And I remember the son God gave
To the world he would save
When love was born
On that first Christmas morn

YES THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS

If you want the great gift giver
To come on his sleigh and deliver
Then remember this simple rhyme
And recall it at Christmas time
“If in Santa you do not believe
Christmas gifts you will not receive”

PLASTIC CHRISTMAS

Now Dasher, Now, Dancer
Now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, On Cupid
On Donner, On Blitzen
So the plastic Santa’s say
Down at the mall
But shoppers have a verse
That serves one and all
Now charge it, now defer it
No cash and No cheques
On store card, on visa
On MasterCard and A-mex

MY CHRISTMAS WISH

Dear Santa Claus its that time once again
And not for the first time I have to complain
Last Christmas you once again failed miserably
In securing that one simple gift for me
Every Christmas I write and beg and plead
And I’ve been good, not perfect though I’ll concede
This is not the first complaint you’ve had from me
I’ve written since I was four and now I’m forty three
So once again I’m sending you my Christmas list
And ask you to fulfill my one and only wish
Please send me my own special red hot lover
Or at the very least my own significant other

MOTHER CHRISTMAS

The birth of Christ
Is the reason for the day
Santa Claus does his part
In his magical way
Rudolf and the other reindeer
Pull the loaded sleigh
Decorations and lights
Put Christmas on display
And festive songs and carols
Have a part to play
But it takes a mother
To make it a very special day

CHRISTMAS IS FOR CHILDREN

The snow softly falls on Christmas Eve
Excitement abounds for they who believe
Children’s faces gaze out from the light
Searching for Santa in the snowy night
Then off to bed skipping across the floor
After milk and cookies are left by the door
Snuggled under covers they say “night mum”
And think happy thoughts of the day to come
They lie too excited to sleep in their beds
But sleep they do then they dream instead
Dreams of Santa Claus and presents galore
Dreams of toys and sweets and so much more
Then they awake in the early morning gloom
Squeals of delight coming from their rooms
And so another Christmas day has come
A day of love and laughter and above all fun

CHRISTMAS CHILL

Enjoy your Christmas day in peace
Avoid any kind of quarrel or wrangle
Chill out, relax and enjoy the day
And don’t get your tinsel in a tangle

MY CHRISTMAS FRIEND (Acrostic)

Merry Christmas
Yuletide friend

Cherished memories of
Heartfelt love and
Remembered moments
Instantly recalled
Special moments of
Time spent together
Merry Christmas’s
And happy new years
Special friend of mine

For me always
Remembering your smile
Instantly helps me
Each time I’m down at
Not being with you
During the season

THROW AWAY CHRISTMAS

Cards adorned with Robins and snow
Holly sprigs and festive candle glow
Advent calendar and paper chains
Decorations never to be used again
Ribbons and bows and paper wrapping
With tree and wreath all go in the bin
Though Christmas may be throw away
The love can be recycled every day

FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Come Christmas day
I will be full of Christmas spirit
Buck fizz with my breakfast
Is only the start of it
Then a sherry with the vicar
After the candles have been lit
And aperitif before lunch
Maybe Vodka or a Gin and it
Wine with every course
Brandy when the pudding is lit
Liqueur with coffee
Then more brandy as we sit
Then when the day is over
I whish shoe a ferry Hacky Fhrismit

I WATCHED A SNOW FLAKE MELT

We step through the door
To enjoy the seasonal fare
Chestnuts roasting in the fire
The smell of cinnamon is in the air
I watched a snow flake melt
On her glistening auburn hair
As we held hands in the soft light
Of the Christmas candle glow
Then I gave her a little parcel
Tied up in ribbon with a bow
And I kissed my first love
Beneath a sprig of mistletoe

FESTIVE FEELING

Christmas is the time for living
Spreading love with the gift giving
So at the festive time of year
Fill your heart with Christmas cheer

CHRISTMAS IS A TIME OF JOY

Christmas is a time of joy
For every little girl and boy
All wishing for that special toy
That they can’t wait to enjoy

Christmas is a time of love
Given to us from the lord above
When we see with eyes of a dove
Christmas fits us like a glove

Christmas is a time for prayer
Christmas is a time to share
Christmas is a time to care
It’s also the time for festive fare

Christmas time is a special thing
A time to worship Christ the king
In his honour gifts we bring
And to the heavens high we sing

SNOWMAN BLUES

Out of the snowy lawn
The snowman grew
Wearing a hat and scarf
The way that you do

With pebbles for eyes
Pressed into the snow
A smiley twig mouth
And a large carrot nose

He’s a magnificent site
The snowman that grew
But he’s just snow and ice
And no substitute for you

I wish you were here
To chase the blues away
I wish you’d come back
To me for Christmas day

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Am I the loveliest of them all?
Mirror, mirror tell me for sure
To stop me feeling insecure

Mirror, mirror hanging there
You needn’t tell me I look fair
Let me think that I look slim
So I can look good for him

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Tell me that my bum is small
Mirror, mirror looking glass
Tell me that’s not all my arse

DON’T THROW ME ON THE SCRAP HEAP

Don’t throw me on the scrap heap
Just because I’m old
I still have talent and skills to offer
If I may be so bold

My talent is called multi tasking
Or so I’ve been led to believe
And I can simultaneously wet myself
And laugh, cough, fart and sneeze

WHAT DO YOU WANT BUD?

I saw a Buddhist monk today
At a hot dog stand
The cook stood at the griddle
Doing his thing
“What can I make you” was his
Gruff demand
The monk replied, “ Make me one
With everything”

YOU MUFFIN

When young women
Dress with midriff exposed
It can look attractive
To the suitably disposed
But for those more ampler
Flesh spills over the top
Of tight waist bands
To look like muffin tops

PUT DOWN'S

PUT DOWN # 1

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just gaze into their eyes
And say to your pursuer
“Why don’t you slip into something
More comfortable… like a coma”

PUT DOWN # 2

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Just say to him seductively
With your hand upon your hip
“Wipe your mouth honey,
You have bullshit around your lips

GOD IS

God is goodness
God is love
God and love
Go hand in glove

God is blessed
God is hope
God and hope
Will help us cope

God is loving
God is peace
God and peace
Will never cease

God is patient
God is grace
God and grace
Hold us in embrace

God is goodness
God is love
God and loveGo hand in glove

SEX TOY UPGRADE

In this modern age
It is certainly possible
For you to increase
Sexual arousal
With the use of mechanical devices
In particular
They work on women
One of these is a sports car
However these devices
Don’t always work on a man
If he is inclined
To spend all the time he can
Tinkering with the cars parts
Rather than the woman

I DON’T WANT

I don’t want silk lingerie
Or delicate hand made lace
I don’t want designer frocks
Or makeup for my face
I don’t want French perfume
Or expensive jewelry
I don’t want a penthouse flat
With luxurious foolery
I don’t want foreign holidays
Or bouquets of every hue
I don’t even want a sports car
I just want a man that’s true

YOU ARE

You are the oasis in my desert
You are the sun in my sky
You are the cherry on my cake
You are the cream on my pie
You make us into we
Instead of you and I

LET IT SNOW

The north wind blows it ills
The wind, the wind, the wind that chills
Then the snow falls on the hills

The north wind softly blows
The wind, the wind, the wind that slows
Then the snow falls down below

Silently falling although the night
Inch upon inch covering everything in sight
Fresh and clean lies the white

The children run in hat and glove
They run, they run in the snow they love
The snow that flutters from above

The north wind dies away
Then the rain, the rain spoils the children play
But the snow will come another day

AN ORDERED PEACE

An ordered peace
Now hold sway
Where once was chaos
And hell came to earth
Nature has returned
To repaint the landscape
The mud and the blood
Are of the past
The alien terrain
Featureless and without end
Are but a distant memory
The mud now green grass
And poppies grow
Red as the blood that fed them
In the savage harvest
The landscape now is neat
The birds have returned
And grace the trees unknowing
The farmers work the land
Where once the soldiers trod
National flags still flutter
Above ordered plots
For silent armies
All neat and tidy
Uniform patches
Of uniformed crosses
Serried ranks
Of white polished stone
Where lads and pals parade
With eternal regiments

DID YOU FIGHT IN THE WAR DADDY?

Did you fight in the war daddy?
My mother asked my grandpa
He only answered shortly yes
She had picked at an old scar
She jumped for joy and hugged him
And gave out a great hurrah

Did you win the war daddy?
My mother asked my grandpa
He only answered shortly yes
She was proud of her old da
She wanted to know more
But that didn’t get her far

She was just his little girl
And didn’t know the truth
The horrors that he had seen
And all that wasted youth
But these things he kept inside
And could not say to little Ruth

The truth he could not tell her
Was that nobody won the war
Both sides were the losers
If anyone was keeping score
That was the bitter truth of it
The Germans just lost more

I WILL BE THERE

Do not grieve for me
Do not mourn my passing
Remember me with a smile
Don’t think of me as gone
Remember what we had
Think of our life like a favourite book
Do not close it and put it on the shelf
Never to be read again
Just because you hate the ending
Start to write the next chapter
Enjoy it like all the others
And don’t be sad
I will be there with you always

I will be there when the wild flowers
Dance in the spring meadow
When the summer breeze moves through
A field of ripening wheat
When the morning mist of autumn
Softens the landscape
And when the winter sun
Sparkles and glints on the snow
And I will be by your side
Through your loneliest hours

I will be there in the dawn
Rising with the sun
You will see me again
When the sun sets at the days end
And in the twilight hours
I will be that gentle breeze
That caress’s your cheek
On a warm summer evening
And I will be that tingle on your skin
As you lie in the quiet hours

I will be there when you retrace our steps
And when you stand on the lake shore
My reflection will not be on the water
By I am still with you
When you walk in the autumn
Through the golden carpet
I will be in the dancing leaves
And when the snow lays
Though I will leave no foot prints
I am there for these moments our ours

I will be there in the quietness of winter
Among the falling snowflakes
I will be in the dew drops
On the grassy meadow
I will be there in the warm sunlight
Of a summer’s day
I will be with you when the storm
Quickens your heartbeat
And you will feel me on your skin
And in the April showers

CHRISTMAS AT THE PEAKS

Will it be a cold Christmas?
Joyless and bleak
This year in Manchester
For Mr. and Mrs. Peak

Amanda and Philip
Robbed of their pride and joys
By a drunken fool
Who murdered their dear boys

What words will comfort
The loss of Ben and Arron
What consolation is there?
To be found as the time goes on

Fathers chums, mothers pride
Funny, studious and mild
Our hearts bleed for them
No parent should outlive a child

They bear the mental scars
Of a life that isn’t fair
While Philip still broken
Sits confined to a wheelchair

I will think of the Peaks
As I spend Christmas with my family
And give thanks to God
They are all alive with me

It will be a sad Christmas
This year in Manchester
For Mr. and Mrs. Peak
The lonely mother and father

Ben and Arron will be there
If only in ethereal essence
Watching over mum and dad
I know they will feel their presence

THE HOUSE GUEST

Chestnut Cottage is a rather quaint Tudor thatched dwelling with its white walls and black oak timbers, its rose covered lych-gate and a wishing well in the garden.
It is very much the stereo typical “chocolate box” image of an English country cottage.
It’s a fairly remote cottage situated at the end of Vicarage Lane some half a mile from the church and about a mile from Appleby village itself.
My name is Harry Tyler and I lived in the cottage for more than twenty years and by the time summer came to an end I had been in residence another eight months after I died.
Not in a physical sense, my body did not lie undiscovered, decomposing in my armchair; I was found and dealt with in the proper manner.
At the time I was happy enough to die, though I took no hand in it I hasten to add I died of natural causes.
The last year of my life was a mere existence after the death of my dear wife Rose.
We had no children of our own and what other family that were left we were not close to.
Rose and I had been happily married for 47 years and we retired to Appleby village and we had such a nice life together.
She was my conduit to the world; she was the interface that connected me to people.
After she was gone it was like being stranded in a foreign land without a translator
To find myself alone in the world at the age of seventy four filled me with dread so I withdrew into the safety of the cottage and became very reclusive and only ventured out when I had to.
So when I died I thought I would be reunited with my Rose again. But I remained in the cottage and she was nowhere to be found.
I spent every day confined to the cottage and garden the same prison I confined myself to before I died.
In many ways it was no difference to when I was alive except I didn’t have to eat or drink.
Nor did I have to wash or comb my hair or trim my beard and of course I didn’t feel anything.
I was exactly as I was when I died, a fat, old man with white hair and a beard wearing the same clothes I had on when I breathed my last.
I hoped to God I didn’t have to spend eternity wearing that awful red jumper, I hated that jumper and the only reason I was wearing it at all was that my favourite one was still damp and I didn’t want to catch a chill.
If I had realised I was going to pop my clogs anyway I would have worn the other one.
So there I stood a fat white bearded old man wearing a red sweater that made me look like an off duty Santa Claus.
I didn’t understand why I was still there; I didn’t want to be there I wanted to be with Rose.
I thought there must be something I had to do in order that I could move on but at that time I had no idea what that something might have been.

On the first of September I thought today is not like any other day, today things are going to change.
I was standing in what used to be the bedroom Rose and I shared and I was looking out through the window at the unfolding scene below.
A removal truck had just come to a stop in the lane and a small blue car parked a suitable distance behind it.
The driver of the of the car slowly got out and walked towards the gate pausing briefly to speak to the removal men who were lowering the tail board, she walked through the gate and down the long winding path.
She was an attractive young woman late twenties or probably early thirties, petite with shoulder length black hair that shimmered with a hint of blue like a raven’s wing and she walked awkwardly with a stick in her right hand.
I recognised her at once as one of fifteen or so prospective buyers who viewed the cottage during the summer.
I thought to myself that it would be nice to have company even if there would be no conversation it would be a bit like watching a soap opera on TV.
I would have preferred it to be a man; after all spying on a young woman would make me feel a bit like a peeping Tom but beggars can’t be choosers.
Then as I watched her slow progress down the path something terrible occurred to me what if she was one of those awful naturist types who go about the house naked, where would I look?
Then I laughed at the stupid question I had asked myself it was obvious where I would look I might be dead but I was still a man.

So I watched her discreetly over the next week or so as she went about her unpacking and arranging her furniture.
Due to my gentlemanly disposition I declared her bedroom and the bathroom as off limits.
As I was in my ninth month of limbo I was desperate for knowledge of the wider world and I was bitterly disappointed that she didn’t have a television I really missed the TV and she didn’t listen to the radio either,
I had hoped she might at least take a daily paper but no the only paper to come through the door was the local freebie.
She did have a computer and I did look-over her shoulder while she was using it, very rude I know and under normal circumstance I would never have done such a thing but I thought to myself, needs must.
By the end of September the computer had taught me a lot, I had established that her name was Juliana Molesworth and she was a workaholic who lived on the computer, in fact the computer was her life, it was her work, she shopped on it, she banked on it, it was her library, it was her music collection and it was her only friend.
Apart from her visits for physiotherapy she never went out and her only visitors were delivery people, oh and a hairdresser.
This young woman was making the same mistake that I had she was cutting herself off from the world and making the cottage her prison.
Though I didn’t know why she was withdrawing from the world I now knew what I had to do to move on I had to save Juliana from my own fate.

I know that strictly speaking as I was dead I couldn’t actually live with her but after living with Juliana for five weeks it had become clear that she had gone to Chestnut Cottage to cut herself off from the world and I knew from bitter experience that course of action was pure folly.
My job was to show her the error of her ways but I had absolutely know idea how I would achieve that.
For a start I was dead and invisible although I could make myself visible without any difficulty the problem was not if I could make her see me but when and how would she take it.
If she didn’t freak out at having a resident ghost then she almost certainly would when she discovered she had been sharing the cottage with an old man who could make himself invisible.
I decided for the mean time to just maintain a watching brief just to keep and eye on her until I could figure out the best course of action.
I did allow her the odd glimpse, a reflection in a mirror, a shape in the corner of her eye just to test her nerve but she seemed un-phased by it or would dismiss it with a shrug.
She seemed at least on the surface anyway to be quite a strong character she was clearly in a lot of pain from her hip and she took strong pain killers for it.
She got around some of the day without her stick but towards the end of the day she couldn’t walk without it and she would rub her hip and you could see the pain etched into her face.
Juliana had a pretty face when it wasn’t screwed up in pain, with hypnotic green eyes and a sensual mouth.
There were some faint scars on her chin and some more on her forehead .but they did not detract from her beauty.
It was getting towards the end of the month and I was out in the garden, it had been a glorious late summer / early autumn day, the sun would have felt quite warm had I been able to feel it, and I was watching the sun set as I had so many times with Rose.
I missed her so much and I was feeling sorry for myself so I stayed until the sun disappeared behind the trees then I went back inside.
Juliana was sat perched on the edge of an armchair and in front of her on the coffee table was a large glass of wine and a pile of pain killers.
I feared the worse as I sat in the empty armchair opposite her, to my mind booze and pills meant only one thing.
Her hand was shaking as it moved towards the tablets.
“Don’t do it” I said
“What?”
She looked around the room.
“Who said that?”
“I did” I said as I appeared
She went stiff and white and said
“Where did you come from? How did you get in here?”
“Get out before I call the police”
Then she grabbed the empty pill bottle and through it at me.
It went through my chest hitting the back of the chair before bouncing back on to the floor ending up by her feet.
She had manage to pull herself to her feet and was wielding her cane
But when she saw the pill bottle come to a stop by her feet she flopped down into the chair and said.
“Damn I’ve taken too many and now I’m hallucinating”
“You’re not hallucinating” I said quietly “I’m really here”
“No, No, that’s not possible” She said and drained the wine glass then instantly refilled it.
“I’ve over dosed” She was trembling and she held out a hand in front of her and watched it shake.
“Oh God now I’ve got the tremors” She closed her eyes tight for half a minute then opened them and stared at me.
“And you’re still here”
“You’re really not hallucinating” I said quietly “I’m really here”
“Please don’t take your own life”
She took a double take and was suddenly calmer as she considered what I had said.
“Take my own life?” she said quizzically
Then she glanced down at the pile of pills and the glass of wine.
“I’m not going to kill myself”
I looked at her and nodded and said “good” but I didn’t believe her and she could tell.
“I tipped them out to count them because my leg is hurting so bad I thought I must have missed taking one, but I haven’t damn it and I can’t have another one for two hours” She said impatiently
That made sense to me, and then I felt foolish and I had exposed myself for nothing.
“I can see you believe me now” She said “So now tell me who you are or what you are?”
“My name is Harry Tyler”
“I know that name this was your house wasn’t it?”
“Yes”
“But you’re dead, you died here” She took a large gulp of wine “Are you a ghost or an angel?”
“I think I’m just a ghost, I haven’t been anywhere to become an angel”
“So why are you here? Why haven’t you gone to where dead people go?”
She drained her glass and filled it again quickly.
“I not really sure” I lied
There was silence for a few moments before she asked
“Is there a heaven?”
“I don’t know if there is a heaven or not, I’ve always believed that there was”
I paused for a moment
“My wife Rose died in this cottage and she has obviously gone somewhere”
“God how many people have died here? Is it cursed or something?”
She had another glug of wine.
Then a look of panic came over her face.
“Have you been here all the time, Ever since I moved in I mean?”
Then she flushed deep red.
“You haven’t been letching at me in the bath?”
I laughed and said.
“No it’s alright don’t worry, I haven’t been letching at you even though you are a very attractive young woman”
She looked doubtful. So I continued.
“I am painfully aware that this is not my home anymore and as such there are areas that I have made off limits; I am a very discreet ghost”
She sighed and looked reassured.
We sat in silence for a while then she fell asleep in the armchair.

For the next two days I didn’t show myself to her partly because I thought it might be better for her to digest the knowledge of my existence for a while before I spoke to her again and partly because I was angry at myself for misreading the situation the previous evening and alerting her to my presence unnecessarily.
I had acted on the spur of the moment but in truth it hadn’t upset my plans in anyway chiefly because I didn’t have a plan to upset.
Of course there was always the possibility she might think she had imagined the whole thing as a result of the wine and painkillers.
I looked in on her from time to time and apart from the obvious signs of a hangover and her limp she seemed ok.
Although she did tend to suddenly look over her shoulder for no apparent reason.

Three days after, for want of a better phrase, I exposed myself to Juliana was one of those wonderful early autumn days that lifts your spirits but can also take you by surprise when you step out into it as the sun can deceive you into thinking the summer hasn’t quite surrendered and then the bitter October wind stings you.
I couldn’t tell which it might be as it looked like it might be quite warm but I couldn’t tell firstly as I was inside looking out and secondly because I was dead and couldn’t feel anything.
Juliana had been upstairs dressing as it was one of her physio days and she was just hobbling her way downstairs and I was beginning to think that she had indeed passed off our encounter as an hallucination but as she picked up her car keys and opened the front door she called back behind her with out turning around.
“Bye Harry”
I didn’t reply because it caught me by surprise
But I don’t think she was looking for an answer though it was difficult to tell as there was no feeling behind the words.
Was it a “Bye Harry” see you later or “Bye Harry” I can’t live in a house with a ghost?
Or perhaps “Bye Harry” are you really there?
She was gone all day and I was beginning to think I had scared her away as it was unusual for her to be quite so late and it had been dark for some time when her car pulled up outside the cottage.
It was a little after seven when she came in through the door her face was tired and strained and she moved uncomfortably.
I had seen that pained look before in the weeks I had been observing her.
It was as a result of her physiotherapy sessions where they worked her hard and she suffered for it, but it was working she was getting better.
I had seen the change in her over the weeks and she was getting better becoming stronger and less reliant on her stick but her sessions left her exhausted and in a lot of pain.
She moved slowly over to the armchair and collapsed into it, after a few moments she rummaged in her bag and brought out a bottle of water then she reached onto the table and picked up her pills, her hand was shaking as she opened the bottle, she put one in her mouth and took a long drink of water then she leaned back and sighed.
She closed her eyes and was drifting off to sleep.
I sat in the chair opposite her and spoke to her.
“Juliana!”
She didn’t respond.
“Juliana!”
“What do you want?” she said without opening her eyes. “And don’t call me Juliana, only my Mother calls me Juliana”
“What should I call you then?”
She opened her eyes and looked straight at me.
“Julie is fine, but never Jules I hate that”
“Ok” I said
She closed her eyes again.
“Julie”
“What?” She responded impatiently.
“You need to go to bed”
“I can sleep here, its fine now leave me alone”
“Julie you need to go to bed”
“Leave me alone or I’ll call Ghostbusters and they’ll come and Hoover you up”
“They don’t exist” I said
“Nor do you” she replied
“But I’m here though, and I’m not going to shut up until you go to bed”
She opened one eye.
“That’s really unkind” she said with surprise.
“It’s for your own good” I said sagely
She looked unconvinced but struggled to her feet muttering under her breath.
Then she started slowly towards the stairs.
I felt guilty because it was clearly painful for her to walk but I knew it would be so much better for her to get a good rest in bed.
I wished I could help her but I was unable to, I hadn’t mastered any of the physical stuff when I was in the cottage on my own it didn’t seem worth training myself to open a door when it was easier to walk through it.
Since I had had a house guest or perhaps landlady would be more precise as I was actually the house guest I had been practising with some small success but propelling a person, even a small person, up a flight of stairs was beyond my capabilities.
“I can’t believe that I’m being haunted by Casper’s Granddad and he is making me do this” She said as she struggled up the stairs.
As she reached the top she paused briefly to catch her breath then she headed for her room.
“Tomorrow I’m calling an exorcist” she shouted.
A few minutes later all was silent and in an instant I left the sitting room and transported myself to her bedroom.
It was the first time I’d been upstairs since she moved in and she had made the room very nice.
She was lying on her back fully clothed and sleeping peacefully on her bed.
On the trunk at the foot of her bed was a throw which with a great deal of effort I managed to cover the lower half of her with it and I was just about to continue when her hand reached down and pulled it the rest of the way up and she turned onto her side with the throw wrapped round her shoulders.
That left me with the simple task of flicking the light switch something that I had mastered.

The next day was a dull and dreary early October day and it was raining hard, the rain beating against the window glass like someone was throwing handfuls of gravel.
Julie didn’t come downstairs until 11 o’clock, I had heard her moving about upstairs from about ten then I could hear the bath running so after more than twelve hours sleep and a hot bath she made her way down the stairs in a good deal less pain than her ascent the night before.
She was bright and breezy and had real vitality about her such as I had not seen in her before.
She was so alive, so vibrant, she was smiling!
“Harry?” she called as she headed for the kitchen.
I said nothing.
“Harry?” She called again as she entered the kitchen
“Where are you?”
I appeared suddenly in front of her.
“Oh” She exclaimed and jumped then she laughed.
“I’m here” I said “What’s all the noise about?”
“It’s enough to wake the dead” I said and smiled.
“Yes very funny” She was smiling too.
I studied her face it was a very pretty face when you removed the pain that was normally etched into it, what a difference from the night before.
It was nice to see the beauty of the person when the bitterness and pain were removed or at least masked temporarily.
The girl before me today was nothing like the one I had been observing for the past month.
It was clearly only a type of euphoria which would undoubtedly wear off.
“I hated you last night” She said looking straight into my eyes “Making me climb those stairs”
“But today I feel the best I’ve felt since before the accident”
She had not mentioned the accident before.
“I could kiss you” she continued.
“Well that would be lovely but there is nothing to kiss, you’d fall straight through me and head butt the cooker”
She blew me a kiss instead.
“I’m glad you are feeling better”
“I know that it won’t last all day but for now I feel terrific”
“You’ll be dancing by Christmas” I said
“Don’t spoil it by talking about Christmas I hate Christmas”
“Why?”
“I will tell you another time I don’t want anything to spoil my mood”

The pain did return later that day though not as severe and the next morning the bitterness was back and for the rest of the month she did battle with her demons,
Julie had good days and bad days but over all the demons won.
She still kept herself to herself only leaving the house for physio appointments, which were paying dividends, and her only visitors were delivering one thing or another.
The majority of her time was spent on the computer which she used for her work, something involving pages and pages of gobbledygook, and as her window on the world, a world in which she did not have to participate but could merely be a spectator.
Unless she called on me I chose my moments to appear trying to gauge the right time in between her black moods.
It was while Julie was on the computer, on one of her good days that I chose to show myself.
She was ordering her groceries online when I dropped in.
“Don’t forget the sweets for Halloween” I said
“Oh God not Halloween” She replied.
“Don’t tell me you hate Halloween as well”
“Of course I hate Halloween, why wouldn’t I, all those ghastly trick or treaters begging door to door”
She was bordering on rant mode and I was beginning to think I had picked the wrong time to call.
“Then there are the implied threats of violence and vandalism”
I looked at her and raised my eyebrows and she stopped and laughed
“You’re such a happy soul” I said
“Well why do you like it then?”
“I don’t really”
“So why do you want me to buy sweets? Did Rose like it is that why?”
Neither Rose nor I were fans of Halloween before we moved to Appleby but it was just part of living in the village.
The thing about Rose is that she was a community person and being part of the community was important to her.
We liked the way it was done, it was so different from our past experience, all the children would meet at the church hall and would go round in small groups each group being accompanied by adults then they would all go back to the village hall and have a party with all the traditional Halloween games and there were prizes for the best costumes.
“No not exactly” I didn’t elaborate.
“You’re so odd” She said and turned back towards her computer.
“I was mean to them last year” I blurted.
“Who?”
“The children, I wasn’t very nice to them” I looked down at the floor
“I think I made one little girl cry”
“Oh”
“I feel ashamed of my behaviour, Rose would have been so mad”
“Well there’s nothing you can do about it now” She said.
“Hopefully the kids will remember their bad experience and not come knocking this year, so no sweets required”
She punctuated the end of the sentence with an Oliver Hardy style nod, then she smiled and got up and headed towards the bathroom.
I moved over to the computer I looked at the screen and observed that she was at the check out.
Due to much practise, after all, its not as if I have anything else to do, I had mastered moving and manipulating things over the preceding weeks.
So I sat down and took hold of the mouse, I quickly returned to where Julie had been shopping and found a large tub of Halloween sweets and clicked quantity required 2 and then add to basket, then returned her to the check out just as I heard the toilet flush.
Then I went and sat down again feeling rather pleased with myself.
I was not totally unfamiliar with computers but I had never shopped on line but I had watched Julie enough times to pick up what to do.
When she returned she completed her shopping transaction and was none the wiser.

The next day when the shopping arrived, the driver unloaded the bags onto the step and Julie signed for the delivery and the driver left.
It was only after she had carried the bags into the kitchen and began to unpack them that she noticed the 2 large tubs of Halloween candy.
“HARRY!” she shouted and thumped one of the tubs onto the counter.
“HARRY!”
“You bellowed milady”
“Was this you?” she said pointing at the sweets.
“You ordered them after all” I said acting surprised “That’s really sweet”
“No I did NOT” She corrected me.
“Well it wasn’t me” I said “I wouldn’t know how, you must have done it subconsciously”
“I am not the sort of person who would buy sweets for the little…..”
I interrupted her
“Well obviously subconsciously you’re a very nice person” And disappeared.

I stayed out of her way for the next couple of days and I spent my time practising.
I had mastered the fine manipulations such as flicking switches, unfolding a handkerchief and picking up a pen.
I could even write though my handwriting was still a bit shaky.
What I wasn’t very good at was moving large or heavy objects so I was in the back garden trying to move the wheelbarrow.
Unfortunately when I eventually succeeded in moving it I managed to frighten a passing dog walker who was startled by the sight of a wheelbarrow moving along the path under its own power.
So I went indoors, I found Julie was sat in her chair reading some documents, I was considering whether it was safe to appear when I noticed the tubs of sweets were stood on a chair next to the door in readiness for the evenings visitors.
I knew that beneath that thick veneer of bitterness and cynicism there resided a good human being.
I deduced that the fact the sweets were now sitting on a chair and not in the dustbin meant that she was in one of her brighter moods.
I decided I would appear but that I wouldn’t mention the sweets just to be on the safe side.
“Hello”
She looks up from her papers then set them on the table in front of her.
“So you’ve decided to show yourself”
“What do you mean? I’ve been busy” I said feigning an indignant attitude.
“Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I don’t have demands on my time”
“Yes I saw you playing with wheelbarrow”
“So did Mary Rudd” I said sheepishly
“Who’s Mary Rudd?”
“Retired postmistress”
“And she saw you?” She asked smiling.
“No she saw a self propelled wheelbarrow; she’s probably having a large gin to recover as we speak”
She was laughing now.
“Has anyone else seen you?” Julie asked.
“No and I only revealed myself to you because….”
“You thought I was going to top myself”
“Yes”
“I hope you think better of me now?”
I nodded.
“I do have low moments, and the world is a shitty place, but on the whole I prefer life”
“I wish you’d start living it then”
“What do you mean?”
“If you prefer life why don’t you go out into the world and live it”.
“You’re just jealous that I’m still alive and not dead like you” She said viciously
“No you’re not dead you’re alive but you’re not living”
“You live your life though a computer screen” I continued
“You never meet people; you never interact with other human beings, you have everything delivered to your door”
She was about to interrupt but I pressed on before she had the chance.
“And if you could cut your own hair you would never see anyone at all”
“I have physio” she corrected me
“And what happens when you don’t need that anymore?”
She snatched up her papers and scowled.
“I don’t need life tips from a ghost” she spat out the words like venom.
Then she turned her back on me.
“Please don’t do what I did, don’t imprison yourself in this cottage”
I pleaded but she ignored me, she was angry with me but not as angry as I was at myself. I blew it I pushed to hard and she pushed back.
I could have got my point across with more subtlety, I was making progress but now I’d gone backwards.

I was trapped in the cottage and its environs, I was earth bound because I shut myself away to wallow in self pity after the death of my wife Rose.
I had come to the conclusion that I must help another person in order to “move on” and rejoin my Rose.
It would have been easier if I had done it while I was still alive I could have gone off and sought out someone to help, but as I was dead I had to wait for someone to come to me.
But then if I had lived out my last months in the world in the same way as I lived the rest of my life I wouldn’t have been in the mess I was in.
Or maybe this was how it was meant to be, it was my destiny to help someone. .
Which is where Julie came in she had come to the cottage to escape the world.
At that moment I didn’t know why and I would need to know that before I could help her and I was determined to help her whether she liked it or not.
But to find out what I needed to know I needed to be on good terms with her which was not helped by my clumsy handling of the situation.
So it was with some trepidation, after our angry exchange, that I went into the sitting room later in the day.
I feared she might take out the anger she felt towards me and channel it at the innocent revellers.
To be on the safe side I remained invisible until I had assessed the lay of the land.
I half expect to see Julie sitting in a rocking chair swigging from a whisky bottle and
Catapulting sweets at the trick or treaters heads.
But she was humming, I hadn’t witnessed her humming before, she did impatient tapping of her fingers, she did grinding her teeth but I had never witnessed humming.
Humming was a little unnerving however I took a gamble that it was safe so I materialized.
“You’re humming” I said
She jumped, I had startled her and she was clearly flustered, then her face went scarlet.
“No I’m not” she said indignantly.
“You were humming, I heard you”
“What you heard was me clearing my throat” Julie said without conviction so she changed the subject.
“Anyway where have you been, have you been keeping out of my way”
“I thought it advisable”
Before she had chance to comment she was alerted to approach of trick or treaters coming down the long winding path.
At this time of the day Julie would normally have to employ her stick to move with any kind of speed around the house but I noticed it was leant discretely against the wall behind the door out of sight of anyone who might be standing on the step if the door was open.
She pulled the curtain back a couple of inches and peered out.
“They’re coming, what do I do?” she asked urgently
“Well” I began.
“Oh come on, you got me into this mess”
“Calm down you’ll have a stroke” I said
Julie took a deep breath and waited for me to speak.
“All the children will have a bag for their sweets” I told her.
“Yes, yes” she said impatiently.
“Well you put a small handful of sweets into each bag but don’t be to generous to early or you wont have enough to go round everyone”
“Ok” she said and nodded.
“But first you have to open the door” I said inclining my head towards the closed door.
“Oh God yes” she laughed nervously “that would help”
Julie opened the door and was met with a chorus of “TRICK OR TREAT” from a small group of excited witches, warlocks, ghosts and ghouls.
“Wow look at you all” she said “What brilliant costumes”
“Ok who’s first?” she asked as she picked up one of the sweet tubs and scooped up a handful.
At the back of the group keeping order was a tall dark haired man, wearing a flat cap and leather jacket, Julie caught his eye briefly and smiled and he smiled back, then carried on but she kept glancing in his direction, he was in his thirties she estimated.
Soon she had deposited a handful of sweets into every bag and the group moved back up the path.
“Goodbye Miss Molesworth” the tall man said and smiled.
She smiled back and then looked self consciously in my direction.
Despite herself she was still smiling as she shut the door.
“You didn’t smile at the children did you” I asked
“You’ll scar them for life”
“Oh and which poor child was it that you made cry” she retorted
“Or was it someone else you were smiling at?”
Julie blushed deeply just as the door bell rang.
“Saved by the bell” I said
Julie opened the door and repeated the exercise, and then another three times until the sweet tubs were empty and all the village children had had their share.
She closed the door and reached for her cane.
“I’m exhausted”
“You enjoyed it though?”
She gave me a stern sideways glance and I could see pain in her features.
“Ask me later after I’ve had a drink”
Then with a bottle of wine and a glass she hobbled towards her armchair.
“Will you join me? “ She asked smiling “Oh I forgot you can’t”
“Oh that’s cruel”
After her first glass of wine she began to relax and after the second she had lowered her guard.
“You had a good time didn’t you?” I ventured.
“Ok yes I enjoyed it though I’ll deny it tomorrow”
“And the smile?”
“I admit he was very handsome, for a yokel”
“His name is Paul Warwick and he’s not so much a yokel more a country squire”
“Really” She said with disinterest
“So which of the little darlings were his children?”
“None of them” I answered “He’s not married”
“OH!” she exclaimed then replaced it with a rather muted “oh”
After another glass I thought it was safe to raise the subject of this afternoon’s exchange of views.
“Am I forgiven?” I asked.
“What for?” She slurred
It became apparent I had left it one glass to late for a sensible conversation I had forgotten to take into account that she hadn’t eaten since lunch.
“This afternoon”
“Of course, you spoke very wisdomous words”
“Widomous?”
“Yes you are very wisdomly” she said as she leant forward to raise her glass to me and slopping half of it on the table
“I think you mean wise”
“Well I was close” she almost said slopping more wine this time down her blouse.
“Time to get you to bed I think”
“You cheeky old ghost you” She said trying to get out of the chair.
Once she managed to get vertical her bad leg gave way and I had to catch her before she hit the floor.
It was a good job I had been practising otherwise I would never have been able to help her it would have appeared as a very comical scene as I had a firm hold on Julie yet when she tried to hold onto me her hands kept going through me.
“You’re a difficult man to get to grips with Harry” she remarked with a puzzled expression on her face.
“Well you concentrate on staying upright and I will propel you up stairs to bed”
“Ok”
So with her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth and one eye closed tight shut she managed to adopt a stance which kept her more or less upright.
I then gave her instructions “Left, Right, Left Right” until we had made the journey up to her room then I guided her onto her bed.
“I hope you’re going to behave like a gentleman” she said and smiled still with one eye shut tight.
“You’re quite safe, I’m dead remember” I replied as I covered her.
“That’s the story of my life” She said
“What is?”
“Trying to raise the dead in the bedroom” this caused her to explode with a laugh so dirty it wouldn’t have been out of place in a Carry On film.
She was still chuckling when I turned out the light.
“Good night Julie”
“Night Harry”

The next morning I was sat in the kitchen reading the local newspaper, when she walked in, surprisingly bright though she was walking quite stiffly and she was a little shamefaced.
“Good morning Julie and how are we this morning?”
“I’m fine” she said shortly then she added.
“Was I very embarrassing last night?”
“Not very” I replied.
“Oh God, I was embarrassing though?”
“You were very funny it was nice to see you happy”
“Thanks to you” She said quietly.
.“I beg your pardon?” I looked up from the paper quiet shocked.
But she was already on her way out the door for her physio appointment.

It was late afternoon when she returned and she was moving only a little more stiffly than she had been when she left that morning.
“Didn’t you go to physio?” I asked
“Yes I did and it was the best session I’ve had” She replied “I think I’m turning the corner at last”
“Excellent”
“Good news and bad news from the doctor though”
“Oh?”
“The good news is he’s changed my medication which is stronger but I only need to take as and when needed”
“And the bad news?”
“Strictly no alcohol with these ones” She said holding up an innocuous looking brown bottle.
“A small price to pay though” I said encouragingly
“That’s easily said by someone who can’t hold their drink” she said then laughed like a drain.
Her mirth was interrupted by a knock at the door.
“Quick hide” She said
“Ok” I said jumping up.
“Wait a minute I don’t have to hide I’m a ghost, I’m invisible”
Julie looked at me and put one finger up to her lips indicating I should shut up even though she was the only one who could hear me, then she open the door.
When the door opened it revealed a very wet Paul Warwick.
“Oh look it’s the yokel” I said
“Hello Miss Molesworth” the yokel said
“Please call me Julie and do come in out of the rain””
“Thank you”
He stepped in and Julie closed the door.
“He’s dripping on your carpet”
“I hope I’m not disturbing you” Paul said.
“No not at all” She replied
“Good, its just I thought I could hear voices before”
“That was probably the radio” She lied
“Good” he said unconvinced.
“Quick change the subject” I suggested.
“Can I offer you a hot drink?”
“No thank you I can’t stop I’m afraid, I just called to see if you were aware of the November 5th bonfire party?”
“No I wasn’t” Julie answered
“Well we run a coach from the church hall over to Little Trotwood every year; they have an organised display, would you be interested?”
“That’s very kind of you but…”
“Go on say yes” I urged
“…my leg isn’t really up to it…”
“Liar”
“…. It’s not good in the damp weather”
“That’s a shame” Paul said sincerely “It’s always a very good display and they have the best hog roast in the county”
“Thank you anyway” Julie added
“If you change your mind just give me a call” He said reaching into his coat and bringing out a card which he handed to her.
“I will”
She opened the door again and Paul stepped out into the rain again.
“No problem, bye”
“Good bye and thanks again” Julie said closing the door.
“Coward” I said after she had shut the door.
“I don’t like fireworks that’s all” she said pulling a face.
“Coward”
“I’m not a coward” She replied indignantly.
.”What else do you call it? He’s attracted to you and you to him”
“Nonsense” Julie said clearly flustered
“And even if there were any attraction I don’t need anyone in my life”
“Everyone needs someone”
“Rubbish, in the end people always let you down”
“You can’t tar everyone with the same brush” I said
“I don’t need anyone Harry, I’m perfectly happy on my own”
“Pauls a good man”
“It doesn’t matter how they start out in the end they always let you down, trust me”
I started to speak
“Harry lets just agree to disagree shall we?”
I knew I was fighting a losing battle so meekly I said “Ok”
“Good now I’m off to have a bath”

Despite my losing the “battle of the bonfire night party” I knew that the war was far from lost and that I had made great progress and what was now more important than anything else was to pick very carefully the battles I chose to fight.
A victory however small was still a victory and therefore was invaluable.
So during the month I chipped away at the immovable object that was Julie in small subtle ways and I felt I was making some progress but as well as I felt I was doing I couldn’t quantify it.
I couldn’t measure my success unless I could get Julie and Paul in the same place at the same time.
I had absolutely no idea how I could manufacture a circumstance that would bring the two of them together and I was left with the feeling that it would take divine intervention to get them together and as it turned out I was right.

We were almost at the end of November and Julie had made so much progress she was hardly using the stick in the house even to get upstairs although she still took it with her whenever she went out but it was extremely unlikely that she would ever be free of it entirely.
She had made progress in other ways as well, she seemed less frightened of the outside world and had started to take a daily newspaper again and one morning a radio appeared in the kitchen.
We had taken to spending every evening together where we spent the time playing chess or cards and we would chat casually on a variety of subjects though I would often try and steer the conversation into areas I wanted to explore as part of my long term strategy but quite often we would just listen to the radio.
It was during one of these very pleasant evenings that I came to enjoy greatly that events took a change of direction.
There had been a ferocious autumn storm battering the cottage all day, the storm was so bad we had to switch the radio off because the reception was so poor and it was as we were sitting playing chess when there was an almighty rumble and crash outside.
“What the hell was that?” Julie said gripping the arm of the chair until her knuckles went white.
“I’m not sure” I said standing up. “I’ll go and investigate”
“Well be careful Harry”
“Unless it’s the Ghostbusters I think I’m probably safe” I said giving her a bemused look.
I transported myself outside and for the first time since my death I was not sorry to be dead the weather was just awful with a fearsome storm was blowing the rain horizontally and I was grateful not to have to feel it
It didn’t take long to find the source of the almighty crash; the gale had uprooted an old horse chestnut tree and dumped it into Julie’s garden missing the cottage by a few feet.
I walked the full length of the tree to find the root end and which sprang up out of the darkness about ten feet the other side of the crushed wooden fence that marked the boundary between Julies garden and the land owner responsible for the removal of the fallen tree, Paul Warwick.
I smiled to myself and then looked up to the heavens and nodded in admiration.
When I reappeared in the cottage the room seemed to be empty.
“Is it safe?” Julie asked.
I couldn’t see where the voice was coming from at first then I found Julie hiding behind her armchair wielding her cane like a weapon.
“What are you doing behind there?” I asked incredulously “Of course it’s safe”
Then she came out from her hiding place suddenly feeling rather foolish.
“I was scared” she added meekly.
“Well there’s no need to be” I reassured her
“What was that noise then?” She asked urgently
“The storm has brought a tree down and the good news is it missed the cottage but your shed only good for firewood”
“Is that all? I knew it would be something simple like that” Suddenly confident again.
“What should I do now?”
“Well have a mug of cocoa and go to bed” I said.
“No about the tree I mean”
“There’s nothing much you can do about it tonight, just have a good nights sleep and phone Paul in the morning”
“Paul?” She asked coyly.
“Yes Paul Warwick, it’s his tree, he’ll arrange everything”
“Oh” she said disinterestedly
“But don’t worry you wont have to see him he’ll do everything by phone”
“Oh” She said trying to hide her disappointment but failing.

The next morning Julie and I went out to inspect the damage in daylight, Julie in her dressing gown and wellies and me in my revolting red jumper, though Julie couldn’t get very far due to the tangle of branches so she went back inside.
When I had finished my inspection I went back inside myself and found Julie standing in the kitchen, her mobile phone in front of her, tapping the counter with the edge of a business card.
“He wont bite you know” I offered “Unless you want him to”
I laughed to myself but she apparently didn’t hear my little joke.
“I said he wont bite you know”
“What? I’m not worried about talking to him that’s a preposterous suggestion”
“So what’s the problem?”
“There isn’t a problem; I was just thinking that’s all”
Then she picked up her mobile and keyed in the number.
“Hello Its Julie Molesworth here is that Mr Warwick?”
“Ok Paul”
All the time she was talking she was fiddling with her hair with her spare hand which amused me greatly.
“I’m fine but I have a bit of a problem I have a rather large tree laying in my garden”
She noticed me watching her, scowled and turned her back to me.
“No the house is fine”
“Yes”
“No”
“Oh Yes that would be fine”
“Ok thank you bye”
She switched off the phone and put it down.
“Well that sounded quite amicable, not scary at all” I said.
”I wasn’t scared to talk to him” she retorted.
“So what was the outcome?”
“He’s coming round this morning” She said matter of factly “in about an hour”
“Excellent” I said. “That is good news”
Julie nodded her agreement.
“And I think he’s just going to love your outfit”
She gave me a puzzled look, then glanced at her dressing gown and muddy wellies, and looked back at me again though the puzzled expression had been replaced by panic.
“Oh God” She exclaimed then kicked off left boot so it flew across the kitchen, a technique she was unable to employ with the other boot due to he bad leg.
So she sat down and lifted her foot off the floor and shouted.
“BOOT! QUICK!”
“Alright calm down” I said as I removed her boot.
“Yes calm” she took a deep breath “Calm is good”
Then she jumped up and rushed out of the kitchen, she was still unable to run despite the progress she had made but she covered the ground quite swiftly anyway.

She reappeared forty five minutes later looking much more presentable in a smart skirt and blouse and I noticed she was wearing makeup.
“Is that better?” she asked.
“Very smart but you really didn’t need to go to all that trouble for me”
“I didn’t” she replied shortly.
“I did it for….” She tailed off
“For Paul Warwick? Is that what you were going to say? Why on earth would you care what he thinks?”
“Shut up” she said and tried to punch my arm playfully but not for the first time her hand went right through me and she nearly fell over.
“That’s really annoying Harry” She said when she had straightened herself up “I hate it when that happens”

A little over ten minutes later Paul Warwick’s Landrover pulled up in the lane outside the cottage.
Julie was looking out the window as he got out of the vehicle and opened the gate but instead of coming to the front door he went straight to the site of the damage and out of her line of sight so she went into the other room which afforded her a better look and she watched on as he clambered up onto the fallen tree and then he disappeared down the other side.
“I don’t think he’s going to come in” she said still trying to catch site of him amongst the branches.
“Oh he’ll be in when he’s done” I said
It was obvious, if only to me, that he hadn’t rushed round to the cottage on a job he could quite easily have delegated only to go off again without fulfilling the real purpose for his visit which was clearly to see Julie..
Julie spent the next five minutes craning her next to get a better view then she moved away from the window and headed back to the kitchen just in time to see him heading back up the path to the gate.
“He’s off now” She said unable to hide her disappointment.
“What?”
She went back into the sitting room and sat down in her chair and I just didn’t know what to say I couldn’t believe I’d got it so wrong I would have put money on it.
I sat down in the chair opposite her and tried to think of something clever to say.
“Well it’s probably for the best; it was bound to end in tears”
“That’s not helping” she said flatly
I was just about to say something full of wisdom when there was a knock at the door.
Julie opened the door to find a rather dishevelled Paul Warwick the other side of it.
After a brief exchange of polite greetings Julie invited Paul into the kitchen with the promise of coffee and then she turned to look in my direction and mouthed “Not you”
So I sat alone in the sitting room for the next twenty minutes trying to decipher words from the low rumble of conversation interspersed with small bursts of girlish laughter.
I had just come to the conclusion that as I was a ghost I could have been in the room with them all along and she would never have known when the kitchen door opened and Paul walked through.
“So the guys will be here first thing tomorrow” He said as he opened the front door.
“And I will see you later in the week”
“Ok thanks Paul bye” Julie said then closed the door.
“Well?” I said
“Like you weren’t in the room eavesdropping all the time” She implied
“No I was not” I said suitably indignant even though I would have been if I’d thought about it sooner.
“Oh sorry Harry”
She went on to fill me in on the bones of the conversation doubtless leaving out any of the flirtyness.
Paul was sending a crew round to cut and clear the timber which due to the size of the tree would take two or three days.
Then he would return and assess the rest of the damage to the garden, something else that could easily be delegated.

The next day was the 1st of December and the men were hard at work cutting up the fallen tree.
I thought to myself as Julie came down the stairs that she looked like a different person, her body had been getting stronger day by day for weeks but now there appeared to be a new spark within her, a new hope.
I just hoped I was right about her and Paul because I feared if that spark were to be extinguished again it would never relight.
I had just returned to my reading when she said “Hi Harry they’re a bit noisy aren’t they?”
“Harry!
“HARRY?”
When I didn’t answer she picked up her cane and poked the book I was reading.
“Oh Hello” I said.
“I’ve been talking to you, are you deaf?”
“Not exactly I turned the sound off so I didn’t have to listen to the racket outside”
“You can do that?”
I nodded.
“Cool” She said “Unfortunately I can’t do that so I’m going shopping for the day”
“Great don’t forget the decorations”
“Decorations for what?”
“Christmas” I said “It’s the 1st of December the advent calendars go up today”
“No, no, no” She said firmly “I don’t do Christmas”
“Why not?” I said shocked
“Why don’t you like Christmas?”
“Well let me see, it’s a waste of money for one thing”
“And?”
“The whole thing is just a sham, people don’t even believe in what they’re celebrating and if you believe what the papers say half the country don’t even believe Christ existed” She stated angrily though at the time I was unsure quite what she was angry about whether it was the season itself or peoples ignorance.
“Well that’s just nonsense we know from the Romans that Christ existed, they were great record keepers the Romans, people might argue that he isn’t the son of God or that God himself doesn’t exist but they can’t deny Christ’s existence” I said but I don’t think she was really listening, it would not be the first time I’d lost the attention of the person I was conversing with, boring conversation was a bad habit of mine throughout my life and apparently after my death as well.
“And what do you believe?” She asked more calmly.
“I believe in the whole nine yards, Father Son and holy ghost” I said trying to lighten the mood without success.
“What about you?”
“I must believe in him because I hate him so much”
With that she slipped on her coat and picked up her bag.
“I’ll see you later” she said and left.
I knew from the start of this exercise that she had some serious issues in her life but what I didn’t know was that Christmas was one of them if in fact it was.
Perhaps her dislike of Christmas was actually masking something deeper, only time would tell unless I were to push the right buttons.

Two days later the last of the timber was removed revealing the full extent of the damage to the boundary fence, the garden shed and what used to be the lawn, miraculously the wishing well sustained only minor damage.
Paul was on site and talking on his mobile organising the next phase which would be to remove all the debris and replace the fencing erecting a new shed and generally tidying up. The new lawn would have to wait until spring and the replacement shrubs and plants would be replaced at the same time.
Julie went out into the garden just as he was finishing his phone call.
I was standing by the remains of what used to be the shed, the shed erected by my own two hands, I was amazed it had lasted twenty years I never did master DIY.
I was too far away to hear what Paul and Julie were saying but they were headed back inside the house.
I was already in the kitchen when they arrived.
“We’re cutting Christmas trees on the estate at the moment I will have them cut you one by way of an apology, what size would you like?”
“I don’t really do Christmas” She said “It’s just an empty commercial festival”
“But thanks anyway” She added.
“Oh and when did you become so cynical?”
“From the moment I discovered Father Christmas doesn’t exist”
“Who says he doesn’t?”
“Ho, ho, ho” she said sarcastically
“I think everybody has a little bit of Christmas in their heart” Said Paul
“That would be tiny in my case”
Paul looked a bit deflated after she said that but perked up when she added.
“A meal would be a perfectly acceptable apology though”

It was a week later when Paul picked Julie up and drove her over to Abbotsford for their meal I would say their date but Julie kept insisting it was not a date.
It was quite late when he brought her home and I was a little disappointed when the evening ended on the doorstep with a peck on the cheek.
I had high hopes but Julie was holding back for some reason.
“Good night” Julie came in and closed the door.
“Nice evening?” I asked
“Yes very nice”
“Good meal? Good company?”
“Yes to both questions”
“But?”
“I really like him but I don’t know if I want to go through it all again”
“Nothing ventured nothing gained” I said
“I’ve done my share of venturing in the past and I haven’t yet gained”
“I’ll probably just screw it up again Harry so it’s probably best if I stop it before it starts”
She waved away any protest from me and went up to bed.
“Night Harry”
“Night Julie”
“That won’t do at all” I said myself.

The next day before Julie was up and about I sent a text to Paul from Julies mobile.
It was quite exciting I’d never done one before even while I was alive.
I was quite surprised that it was more difficult than it looked and really rather complicated to get the letter you wanted and then it kept changing the word.
I came very close a number of times to throwing the damn thing across the room.
Eventually I managed to write:
“Thank you Paul I had a wonderful time last night I really would love to do it again. Julie x PS Just ignore me if I play hard to get lol”
Within a couple of minutes I got a reply.
“I had a wonderful time too I will call you soon. Paul”
Then I quickly deleted my text to him and his reply and then put the phone back in Julie’s handbag with minutes to spare before I heard Julie coming down the stairs.

I felt very pleased with myself and my subterfuge and I thought it was just a matter of time before the two of them got together again, however when a week had passed and nothing had happened I was not so confident.
There had been a couple of texts which I didn’t get to see before she deleted them and there had been a phone call but it didn’t last long.
So it was to be another evening of chess and conversation.
I set up the board as Julie entered the room from the kitchen carrying a glass and bottle she opened a bottle of wine the first she’d had for several weeks.
I frowned at her and nodded in the direction of the wine.
“It’s ok I haven’t taken any pain killers for three days so this is by way of celebration”
“Excellent” I said “I wish I could join you”
“Bad luck” she said taking a long sip
“I would prefer Christmas ale”
“Oh don’t start on Christmas again”
“Why do you hate Christmas so much?” I asked
“How long do you have?” She replied without humour.
“I have as long as it takes I’m dead remember” I said trying to inject a little humour as I sat down opposite her.
“Where should I start” she looked around the room as if seeking inspiration.
“Christmas has been a disappointment all my life”
“I grew up with the constant disappointment of not getting the presents that I asked for” she said with a wry smile “Which I blamed Santa for”
I started to speak but Julie interrupted me.
“I know that’s very childish and pathetic” she even laughed a little.
“When did you stop believing?”
“I believed right up until I was seven, that was the year I discovered Santa Claus was actually my drunken father” She took a long drink
“So with a drunk for a father and a violent bully for a mother my childhood was just full of Christmas joy”
“Not brilliant then” I added
“Then three Christmas’s ago at one of our merry Christmas gatherings my own sister stole my husband and my mother took my sisters side” she paused thin lipped remembering the pain of it fresh as if for the first time she gathered herself then continued.
“My dear mother said if I’d kept him satisfied in the bedroom he wouldn’t have strayed”
“Not that he had to stray too far with my slutty sister sniffing round him like a bitch on heat”
“What did you say to your mother?” I asked
“I said that if she’d kept my father satisfied in the bedroom he wouldn’t have turned to drink”
“Oooh”
“I haven’t spoken to her or my sister since”
She took another drink.
“Then last year two weeks before Christmas a drunk driver ran a red light and broadsided me shattering my hip and putting me in hospital for months”
She reached out and grabbed her cane.
“And now I still have my trusty stick as a constant reminder of what Christmas means to me”
I wished I could have given her a fatherly hug but I couldn’t so we fell silent after that and concentrated on the chess for a while.

I was out and about in the garden early next morning it was less than a week before Christmas and I was beginning to despair that as far as we had come together it was not going to be far enough to save us both.
But it was more than that, when I started it was about helping Julie in order to cross over and be reunited with Rose.
I had come to care about Julie more than I thought possible and furthermore I had come to realise just how much I had wasted the final months of my own life.
I had brought her back from the brink and I resolved that I would succeed in opening her heart not for my own sake but for hers.
I transported myself to the sitting room only to find it empty but there was the sound of cooking coming from the kitchen and perhaps more alarming the sound of singing.
When I appeared in the kitchen I found Julie frying bacon and singing along to an Eva Cassidy song playing on the radio.
“Are you ok?” I asked with false concern.
“Yes why?”
“I thought you must have had a relapse and your hip was hurting”
“Very funny Harry” she said with a smile.
“Would you like some bacon? Oh I forgot you can’t eat can you I’ll have to eat it all myself then”
“You can be a very cruel young woman” I said indignantly and tucked the newspaper under my arm and withdrew to the sitting room.
After she had devoured her bacon, which not only could I not eat but perhaps worse
I was also denied its smell, she came into the sitting room and sat opposite me and we started a tug of war over the newspaper.
“You’re in a very playful mood today” I suggested after I had lost custody of the paper.
“I feel happy today, I don’t know why I just do”
As she was in a good mood I decided to chance my arm and enquire as to the state of play between her and Paul.
“Have you heard from Paul?” I said directly.
“Don’t start”
“What? It was an innocent enough question”
“Hmm, well as it happens he did phone me”
“Really?” I said keenly
“He invited me out for dinner on Christmas eve”
“That’s great”
“I declined his invitation”
“Why?”
“Look Harry I’m sure he really is a nice guy and I do like him”
“But?”
“But, I am finally getting my life back on course, and that’s due in no small part to you, and I don’t need any complications”
“That really is a shame” I said sincerely.
“I just don’t think I’m ready” She added
With that she handed me the paper and returned to the kitchen I left it ten minutes or so and then joined her just as Bruce Springfield’s gravelled tones emanated from the radio and I dueted with him in a fine rendition of “Santa Claus is coming to town”.
When we had finished more or less together I took a bow or two.
“Ha ha I do love a good Christmas song”
“Oh God protect me from the happy Christmas ghost” Julie was laughing.
“What is it with you and Christmas anyway?” she asked rhetorically.
Then she stood and looked at me, my portly build, white beard and the hateful red sweater, shaking her head despairingly.
“In fact come to think of it you even look like Santa in a rather jaded retired to the old folks home kind of way” Then she chuckled her rich velvet chuckle.
“Oh and why is that, just because I’m a jolly fat man with a white beard?” I said striking an indignant pose.
“No you have a fair point you would only qualify on two out of three” then her chuckle morphed into a full belly laugh and then I was laughing with her.
Our merriment was interrupted by a knock at the door and Julie was still wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes as she opened the door.
It was a smiling Paul Warwick who had knocked and his expression instantly changed to one of concern when he saw Julie’s tears.
“Is everything alright?” he asked with genuine concern.
Realizing what she was doing Julie quickly dispelled his concern with a tale about something hilarious on the radio.
Suitably reassured Paul’s smile returned to his face and briefly gathered himself before revealing the meaning for his visit.
“I know you said you didn’t do Christmas” He began.
“But as I said everyone has a little Christmas in their heart”
Julie was about to cut him off in full flow but he put his hand up to stop her before she could start.
“So with that in mind” he said ducking down to retrieve something from the floor.
”I thought of this”
He was holding in his hand a small live Christmas tree in a pot, complete with tinsel and Baubles standing about two feet tall it was even topped by a fairy.
“A tiny Christmas tree for someone with only a tiny bit of Christmas in her heart”
He said as he presented the tree to Julie.
“That’s so sweet” She said “Thank you”
“You can plant it in the garden after Christmas so it will keep growing and hopefully your love of Christmas will grow with it”
There were tears in her eyes again as she looked at the tiny tree and then Paul excused himself as he had some estate business that he needed to attend to which I later found out was delivering hampers to the homes of his workers.
Julie stood looking at the little tree with a silly grin on her face as Paul said goodbye and was heading up the path.
“I told you he was a nice man” I said.
“Yes” she said looking at me with tears welling up in her eyes.
“Oh God I can’t let him go I have to talk to him”
“Well run after him then” I suggested
“I can’t run” She said.
“Go and slow him down somehow”
Julie set off walking and I transported my self to the gate just as Pauls hand reached for the latch.
As he tried to open the gate I held it shut and no matter how much he shook it the gate didn’t move.
Julie was only a few yards away now.
“Paul!” She called.
Paul turned around to see where Julie was calling from.
“Hi, you appear to have a problem with your gate” He said just as I let go of the gate and the gate swung open
“That’s odd” he said.
“I’m glad I caught you” She said wincing a little at the effort of pursuing him.
“About dinner on Christmas Eve is it too late to change my mind?”

On Christmas eve I sat in the solitude of the cottage for what I hoped would be the last time, hoping that the person I had come to care so much for would not need me anymore while at the same time regretting that I would no longer be required to spend the long pleasant evenings in her company.
In the beginning I thought that I was left stranded on earth solely because of the way I withdrew from life and that my having to help someone escape my fate was my penance but in fact I came to understand that my predicament was less about a punishment for me but rather more about salvation for Julie and a last chance for her to find happiness.
In truth no matter how fond I was of her I did not belong there and though tinged with regret I hoped soon to be moving on
I became aware of voices outside and thought was this the moment a tender kiss goodnight on the door step but instead the door opened and Julie stepped into the darkness and my heart dropped and I thought we were back, perhaps not to square one but we had definitely gone into reverse.
Then the light went on and following Julie was the tall figure of Paul who closed the door behind him.
“Make your self comfortable while I get us a drink” Julie said before disappearing into the kitchen.
Paul headed in my direction and I had to move quickly before he sat on my lap.
I stood invisible in the corner by the stairs and observed as Julie came out of the kitchen with a bottle of wine and a glass, then she stopped in her tracks and turned on her heels and briefly returned to the kitchen before reappearing with a second glass. She smiled to herself at the force of habit and glanced around the room to see where I was.
Julie set the bottle and glasses on the table then before she could sit Paul stood up and took her hand and pulled her gently towards him and beside the tiny Christmas tree he kissed her tenderly and she kissed him back.
At the precise moment she returned his kiss on that Christmas Eve a bright light emanated down the stairs and I knew my moment had come.
I looked up the illuminated staircase and standing at the top was my dear Rose with her hand outstretched towards me.
I turned again to look at the embracing couple, Paul had his back to me and as their lips parted I allowed Julie to see me one last time.
“Good bye Julie its time for me to go now, have a happy life” I said and waved.
Then as she stood holding onto Paul her head resting on his shoulder she mouthed the words “Merry Christmas Harry”
I left the young couple and walked up the stairs and took Rose’s hand and we were instantly in another place.
Now I spend most of my time with Rose and all those who went before me but. I still look in Paul and Julie from time to time, I can do that now I’m a proper spirit, but that is a tale for another time.

LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD

A breath of fresh air
Comes our way
As he struts the stage
Like JFK
And talks the talk
Like Martin Luther King
As he galvanizes allies
From either wing
He holds our hopes
In his African American hands
Let’s hope he fulfils
All his promised plans
And that Barack Obama
The young congressman
Leads us as President
To Dr Kings promised land

OVER THE TOP LADS

Over the top lads
Let’s do it for the King
Up and at em Tommies
Let’s do the Kaiser in

Heads up lads
Let’s show some heroism
Death to the Hun
Hurrah for Jingoism

Over the top we go
Putting aside our fears
Then the hail of shot
And we fall like tears

A generation’s youth
Drowning in the mud
Ghosts of our future
Drowning in our blood

Stout hearted we came
Beneath the Belgian sky
We came to fight for honour
Instead we fall and die

HARRY POTTER - THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH

He must return every time school ends
To the bosom of the family Dursley
Where he must while away the time
With only an old owl for company

He waited for word from his chums
For news of some adventure to be had
But they were having too much fun
To spare a thought for the lonely lad

Hermione was feeling a little ginger
Where the Weasley family dwell
Riding Ron like a nimbus
Until he screamed out “bloody hell”

Madam Maxime was spanking Hagrid
And covering his genitals in paint
While Neville was with Ginny
Who held his wand and made him faint

Professor McGonagall morphed into a cat
Then curled up on Dumbledore’s lap
Draco Malfoy wore women’s underwear
As he played with his old chap

Madam Pomfrey played doctors and nurses
With Minister Cornelius Fudge
And Rita Skeeter tied up young Nigel
So tight that he couldn’t budge

Madeye Moody had his meat and two veg
Handled by Pomona Sprout
So deftly did she manipulate him
That his good eye nearly popped out

Seamus played with Cornish pixies
Where Goblin meant something more
And the Patil girls made up a threesome
With the demure Fleur Delacour

Goyle and Crabbe liked to be beaten
And over a desk they were bent
Thought Filius Flitwick had to stand on a box
To meet out their punishment

Unwanted Harry sat alone in his room
Pining for his young love Cho
And was finally forced to seek solace
Where the sad and the lonely go

He sought out the purveyors of sex
Looking for some company
At a place frequented by Filch and Snape
On a street called Ven Ally

But he contracted the vilest irritation
On his most intimate patch
After consorting with a cut price bludger
At a place called the “Golden snatch”

If he had not been so cheap
And not chosen such a dirty little witch
He would have had his carnal pleasures
Without catching the dreaded quid itch

IF I COULD WISH

If I could wish
What a wish it would be
I would wish a wish
If it were granted to me

If I could wish
I would wish for what I had
I would wish that wish
Because without you I’d be sad

If I could wish
I would wish for you
I would wish a wish
That, that wish would come true

If I could wish
And my wish came true
I would have wished a wish
To spend my life with you

THE COSTUMED ARMY

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

JACK O’LANTERN

Jack O’Lantern’s light
Gazing out into the night
In the window there
Staring out a scary stare
With your unsympathetic grin
And glowing orange skin
Are you there to keep the spirits out?
With your jagged leering mouth
Or is your gnarled and toothless grin
There to invite the evil in?

ALL HALLOWS EVE

I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear
Now the witching hour is near
The curtains are drawn tight
And I’ve turned off the lights
The TV volume is way down low
I sit and cower it its feeble glow
Then comes the knock upon the door
And I curl up quivering on the floor
My heart is pounding my breath is shallow
My mouth is dry it’s hard to swallow
On all hallows eve I live in mortal dread
But not of monsters or the un-dead
The fear that turns my heart to stone
Is Trick or Treaters knowing I’m home

OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN

It’s that time of year again, Halloween
Oh how I hate it and its practitioners
All year round we tell our children
“Don’t accept sweets from strangers”
We instill in them from an early age
“Don’t ever approach or talk to strangers”
Then at Halloween we send them out
To ask for sweets at the doors of strangers

When children dressed as monsters
Terrorize the neighbourhood
Begging from door to door
Demanding sweets and treats
For not vandalizing your property
The older children or should I say yobs
Wear masks and disguise them selves
Clearly training for a life of crime
A yob in a funny outfit is still a yob

It’s that time of year again
The night of night to ignore the doorbell
Its not twee or cute it’s just annoying
I try to be polite when I shoo them from my door
But I know I will get up next morning
With fake blood smeared on the front door
Eggs smashed on my windscreen
And rubbish strewn across my garden
God I hate Halloween and its practitioners

I’M SORRY

I’m sorry
But I’m leaving you
Its not you
Oh how trite is that
And I do love you
It’s just that you’re not the one
There’s something missing
There’s no electricity
I do love you
But you’re not the one

I’m sorry
But I’m leaving you
It really is me
And other assorted clichés
I wish you were the one
I hope you can forgive me
For the years you’ve wasted
For the love you invested in me
I wish you were the one
Thank you for loving me

I’m sorry
But I’m leaving you
I'll miss you and I do mean that
But I’m looking for my soul mate
And I have to look
I wish you were my great love
But we are just comfortable
Like a favorite pair of shoes
I have to look
Though I may never find her

I’m sorry
But I’m leaving you
I must be cruel to be kind
And other empty Platitudes
You deserve better than me
Your perfect one is out there
We all have a soul mate
I’m sorry it’s not me
You deserve better than me
That’s why I’m leaving

I’m sorry
But I’m leaving you
Please don’t cry
Just wish me luck
Because she’s out there
There should be great love
There should be sparks
Tingling and breathlessness
She is out thereI will find the other half of me

TRICK OR TREAT

When the little boys and girls
Knock at my door for candy
I must give them what they want
“Or else” is their modus operandi
So with a false smile I comply
But under my breath I pray
That by the time Christmas comes
They’ll all have tooth decay

THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD

On all hallows eve when the sun has set
The ghosts and ghouls come out to play
With dripping fangs and bloody claws
They prowl the street in search of prey
And when to my door the fiends appear
I tell the “Trick or Treaters” to go away

GRANDDADS GLORIOUS HARVEST

As late summer
Heads towards the autumn
Great industry is evident
In the golden fields
As the tireless farmers
Gather in nature’s bounty
And come days end
The weary labourers
Tread across the fields
Once full of waving corn
The fields now adorned
With flaxen structures
These sons of the soil
Look upon the scene
With pride and relief
Pride in a job well done
And relief at finishing
While the good weather held
They head towards the village
With heads held high
And parched throats
Soon to be quenched
The entire village joins them
To celebrate the gathering
Raising a glass or two
Laughter resounding
As they watch the setting sun

HOTEL PARADISO

From their hotel restaurant
The couple sat at a table
Admiring the view
It was an unfamiliar view
With just a hint of familiarity
Like recognizing the features
Of a very distant relative
This was where the couple
Spent there honeymoon
When they were young and fearless
They were old now
Liver spotted and weary
Married when god was a boy
And the world was young
They sat in silence
Everything said before
Gazing though the window
He wondering what lay ahead
She where the years had gone
They held hands
And their eyes met
No words were spoken
But they understood
And they were content

ENGLAND COACH - CAPELLO

The new England supremo
Mr Fabio Capello
Plans to take the England team
And fulfill our football dream
To raise English spirits up
And win the next world cup
But it would seem
This is just a silly dream
As the only way Mr Capello
The poor deluded fellow
Will take a team as far
As the finals in South Africa
The only way he can deliver
Is as the German team coach driver

PARTNERS IN TIME

I held your hand
Though you did not know it
And I remembered
The first time I held it
That august day so long ago
When the magic passed between us
And I knew I had found my mate
It was such an innocuous action
We were on the train
Two travelling strangers
As it rattled its way through Surrey
You were getting to you feet
When the train lurched
And you fell back with a bump
I offered you my hand
Which you took
And the dye was cast
Our journey together began
Now your journey is nearly at its end
And I sit in vigil at your side
Where I will remain
Until life leaves your body
On that quiet final breath
I said when we were young
“I would love you all of your life
When you were still you,
Before the morphine took you
You said to me
“Will you still love me all of my life?”
With a crack in my voice I said
“No I’ll love you for all of mine”