SPREADAGE

 

There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Determine in anyway successfully
Beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread
To be buttered or spread

A BLOCKED VALVE

 

I have some information to impart

Why it is that men snore

When they lie on their backs

Is the time they do it more

It’s a simple case of physics

Because their dangly bits of genitalia

Hang down to block their anal orifice

Which in turn causes apnea

THE CATS WHISKERS

 

You are simply the bee’s knees

The cat’s whiskers to a tee

And I couldn’t feel more lucky

If I’d won, the national lottery

So, I amble about the place

A smug expression on my face

Like a cat that got the cream

As you’ve made my life a dream

And you are my little sex kitten

And I am yours, totally smitten

DIPPED OUT

 

In the dim and distant past

When I was young and free

Going about running and skipping

And we’d all go “skinny dipping”

 

Now the years have rushed past

And have taken their toll

I hobble, shuffling and clunking

And in the pool, I go “chunky dunking”

MISSING OUT

 

They’ve taken all the fun away

It’s prohibited from the school day

Thanks to the politically correct crusade

And the health and safety brigade

There can be no unacceptable names

Or boisterous competitive games

Now playing in the snow and ice

You must play games safe and nice

The nanny state has declared

That the nation’s children must be spared

But when I was a child, we did alright

And we did survive an occasional fight

But we had more freedom in my view

We could choose what things to do

You didn’t have to climb in trees

Or pick the scabs off wounded knees

You didn’t have to play kiss chase

Or catch a snowball in the face

You didn’t have to make a slide in the snow

If you didn’t want to you could say no

Conkers was not a compulsory game

You didn’t have to call girls names

You could roll in the grass again and again

Or jump in puddles after heavy rain

You didn’t have to skip with girls

Or run with grass seed in your curls

If you didn’t want to there was no need

You could sit alone and quietly and read

But if you chose to you could do it

And after all we were young and fit

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 2

 

It's raining, it's pouring;

Politicians are snoring.

They had their chance

To save the world

Now we’re screwed by global warming           

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES – ANSWERING THE CALL

 

In class one day a boy named Benny

Needed to go to the toilet suddenly

So, he called out loudly to Miss

“Please I really need to take a piss”

The teacher said “No you must wait”

“The correct word to use is urinate”

If you use “urinate” in a sentence correctly

I will allow you to go to the lavatory

And so thought the boy called Benny

Desperate now to spend a penny

“You're an eight miss” says young Ben

“But if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!”