A Humourous Selection # 4

DOCTOR PLEASE

“Doctor please help me?
I have a ringing in my ears"
He replied “if they ask for me
Tell them I’m not here”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 1

My Doctor gave me six months to live.
Because I was terribly ill
But then he gave me another six months
When I said I couldn’t pay his bill

NAME CALLING # 2

I didn’t call her a dog
That would be hard to defend
But I did say she was
Mans best friend

DOUBLE STANDARDS

If a woman sleeps with ten men in a week
She is regarded in a sluttish way
Whereas if a man behaved in like wise
He’s regarded as a bit of a lad or gay

SUPPORT GROUP - LOW SELF ESTEEM

Do you suffer from Low Self Esteem?
Well that’s what Support groups are for
We meet every Thursday at 7 PM.
Just remember to use the back door

VERY POOR RECEPTION

An elderly man entered the surgery
And approached the receptionist
“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
With a face that had never been kissed
And a manner to match she demanded
He tell her why he needed to go on the list
But he didn’t want to discuss it in reception
“You’ll have to tell me I really must insist”

Looking around at the other patients
'I’ve a problem with my dick', he replied
“You cannot say things like that
In the surgery” the receptionist chastised
“But you did ask me what was wrong
I must have misunderstood; sorry” he lied

“You should be a little more discreet
You have caused embarrassment I fear”
The Receptionist continued on
“You should say the problem is with your ear,
“You can be more frank with the doctor
But not cause any upset out here”

The man replied, “Why did you ask me
What was wrong, In front of everyone?
You shouldn't ask people questions
That could embarrass anyone”
The man walked out, waited several minutes,
And then returned to where he’d begun

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”
He asked through dentures grit
The Receptionist smiled smugly
Enjoying the moment more than a bit
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he said
The Receptionist liked to see patients submit
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
Then he loudly said “I can't piss out of it,”

THE CARIBOU COLLECTIVE

The Caribou is the soberest beast
A wandering woodsman could meat
But get them in a group of threes or twos
They soon become the Caribooze

THE THING ABOUT MANGE-TOUT

The thing about mange-tout
That I want to say to you
Is when all said and done
I could never eat a whole one

THE CHURCH LADIES

The Church ladies have cast off clothing
Of every kind, generously strewn
They may be seen in the back room
Of the church hall every afternoon

AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

At the foot of my bed
As in my bed I laid
I saw Gloria Gaynor’s ghost
At first I was afraid........

ARE YOU WEARING? # 8

ARE YOU WEARING WELLIES?

Are you wearing wellies?
Why where are we going?
Will it be quite muddy?
Or has it been snowing
They are not for outdoors?
Then their use has receded
So please just tell me
Why the wellies are needed?
I still don’t understand
If there is no outdoor activity
Oh now the penny has dropped
They’re for indoor depravity

ARE YOU WEARING PIXIE BOOTS?

Are you wearing pixie boots?
Well they really are beauties
I’ve always had a soft spot
For little woodland cuties
So let me carry you away
Like a prized piece of booty
To a woodland clearing
Where we can get really fruity

ARE YOU WEARING A PLEATED SKIRT?

Are you wearing a pleated skirt?
It’s really very flattering on you
A blandishment to your hips
And narrows the waist without ado
And when the wind lifts it up
Your scanty wares come into view

ARE YOU WEARING A SNEER?

Are you wearing a sneer?
Well that’s how you appear
Like you’re looking down your nose
From some commanding belvedere

So what of your countenance
If it’s not a look of distain
What did you wish to convey
Perhaps we should start again

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SPECIAL?

Are you wearing something special?
For my special birthday treat
Something daringly risqué
Nothing remotely discreet
Something minimalist in silk
Would be right up my street

ARE YOU WEARING A UNION SUIT?

Are you wearing a union suit?
Well not exactly a source of phwors
It’s just an un-sexy combination
Of a vest and long drawers
But joined together like a romper suit
The addition of the trap doors
Makes it a little more exciting
I think I’d like to go through yours

ARE YOU WEARING A WIG?

Are you wearing a wig?
No I’m not having a dig
I’m not a fan of them
But this is an ill fitting item

It just doesn’t suit you
I know it’s just my view
I’m not meaning to nag
You look like you’re in drag

ARE YOU WEARING A TUTU?

Are you wearing a tutu?
Oh it really does suit you
Give me a twirl oh do do
In your pretty little tutu

ARE YOU WEARING A BOB?

Are you wearing your hair in a bob?
I think they’ve done a good job
It makes you look like a flapper
No I didn’t say you were a slapper
From the roaring twenties, a party girl
No I didn’t say you were a tarty girl
Instead of having your hair cut short
In order to prevent any auditory distort
And to stop you miss hearing things
You should have had your ears syringed

ARE YOU WEARING A FLAT CAP?

Are you wearing a flat cap?
How very working class
And you a Roedean girl
Normal so up her own arse

Dressing up like an oick
Does have some appeal
So say something common
And let me cop a feel

Relationships # 2

MOTHER OF TWO

George is a married man
Who is content with his lot
But he calls his wife “mother of two”
Which she likes not a jot

One day at a house party
He said as the partying was done
“Come along then “mother of two””
She replied “ok father of one”

MARRIAGE DEAL

Marriage is like a pack of cards
In the beginning to make the grade
You need two hearts and a diamond
By the end you want a club and a spade

LEFT A BIT, RIGHT A BIT

She said to me last night
“Left a bit, Right a bit,
Forward, now back,
Up a bit, down a bit”
With the relentless instructions
She was barking
I snapped “for God’s sake
Are we having sex or parking?”

DARLING, DO I PLEASE YOU IN BED?

A wife asked her husband
“Darling, do I please you in bed?”
“Yes, especially when you do that thing
With your mouth” he said
“Do you mean oral sex?
You know that makes me feel cheap”
“No I mean the thing where
You shut up and go to sleep”

JANE AND I

“I’ve been to Wales with Jane”
I was told by my friend
“Then tomorrow Jane and I
Are going to Lands End”
“And I will probably take Jane
To London at the weekend”
I didn’t like to shatter his illusions
But I had to in the end
“Jane is the voice on your SatNav
She’s not a proper girlfriend”

A Humourous Selection # 3

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 2

The naughty Toad in the hole
And his friend Guacamole
Along with Ratatouille
Thought Badger quite chewy

AVIATION ASPIRATION

My daughter wants to be a pilot
At first I was a little alarmed
But after I thought about it
My apprehension calmed

And I laughed at my foolishness
I felt silly, oh what a lark
After all it’s not as if
She will have to parallel park

SCRABBLED

After a scrabble marathon,
Hundreds of games back to back,
Tony Blair now feels vindicated
He finally found WMD in a rack

PICTURE HOUSE MODE

Bimbette and Peaches
Plus seventeen friends
All went to the cinema

At the booking office
The girl enquired
“Blimey why so many of yer?”

Bimbette said in reply
“Coz the advert says
18 or over."

THANK YOU FOR YOUR FAVOURS

Thank you for your favours, and joy they're bringing
Thanks coz now my pee is stinging
I wish I’d gone with out it, I say in all honesty
What would life be?
Without an itch or a rash what are we?
So I say thank you for your favours
For giving them to me

So I Say
Thank you for that infection
For giving it to me...

Sung to the tune of “Thank you for the music” by ABBA

WHAT I SAW OF MY COUSIN

I pushed open the bathroom door
And there before me stood
My young cousin towelling off
So I looked away as soon as I could

I quickly told her I was sorry and
I saw nothing which wasn’t quite true
I did see her ample breasts
But didn’t see a nipple or two

I often recall that morning
Being a man of simple pleasures
When I got to see her chest
But didn’t glimpse her treasures

SENIOR WINE

Forget the Pinot Grigio and its ilk
And the endless night time wee’s
Would you like anti-diuretic wine?
Then the Pinot More should please

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST

The shepherd lad called shep,
Though that was a Sobriquet,
Watched over his ragged flock
As he sat playing his flageolet

So enchanting was the melody
Played on his small fipple flute
It mesmerised the watching wolf
Making him easier to shoot

REGULAR HABITS

I pee every morning at 6 am.
Like the proverbial racehorse
And I evacuate my bowels
30 minutes later in force
Which would be perfect
If by then I was awake of course

NAME CALLING # 1

Calling her a dog
Is a little hard to defend
But I would say she is
Mans best friend

ARE YOU WEARING? # 7

ARE YOU WEARING WOOLLY TIGHTS?

Are you wearing woolly tights?
That’s one of my favourite sights
As the evenings begin to shorten
Well as they say winter draws on

ARE YOU WEARING SENSIBLE SHOES?

Are you wearing sensible shoes?
And substantial winter tights
What a wonderful combination
I can’t express how that delights
How comfortably cosy you will be
On the long cold winter nights

ARE YOU WEARING A PIXIE CUT?

Are you wearing a pixie cut?
God that must really annoy
When people keep telling you that
It makes you look like a boy

ARE YOU WEARING A TATTOO?

Are you wearing a tattoo?
It’s very appropriate for you
But the meaning might not please
As it says, “fat bloke” in Chinese

ARE YOU WEARING COMBINATIONS?

Are you wearing combinations?
I must say with total resignation
It’s not the sexiest underwear
For you to be wearing under there

ARE YOU WEARING A PONYTAIL?

Are you wearing a ponytail?
Don’t you think that look is stale?
Even at its most dizzy height
That look never looked quite right

So what were you thinking?
When you decided to have it done
It’s not appropriate for you
Now you’ve just turned eighty-one

ARE YOU WEARING A SMIRK?

Are you wearing a smirk?
I thought you’d been to work
But you decided you would shirk
With that good looking clerk
Brilliant so I get to look a berk
While you get to wear a smirk

ARE YOU WEARING A LEER?

Are you wearing a leer?
That’s out of order I fear
You are lustfully gazing
At the young and amazing
With lascivious thoughts
Ogling good looking sorts
Well only one of us can spy
And that letch is I

ARE YOU WEARING A HAT?

Are you wearing a hat?
What’s the point of that?
It’s often been said
You have an unsuitable head
And not just for millinery
It’s a little bit scary
And the hat doesn’t help
You made that boy yelp
So take off the hat
And that will be that
The hat will be gone
And the bag put back on

ARE YOU WEARING TWEEDS?

Are you wearing tweeds?
Well that certainly exceeds
Your rather arousing apparel
Really brings out the feral
Complimented by stout hardy shoes
In my own Victorian views
And I wouldn’t knock
Some good country stock
Let me help you over this stile
As I think all the while
How to best meet my needs
Of getting inside your tweeds

The Love Selection # 2

CONDITIONAL LOVE

You must be devoted,
Kind and true
Willing to give of yourself
If all this you can do
Then without reservation
I will love you

ETERNAL LOVE?

Eternal love?
Love that lasts
Forever more
Not this side
Of heavens door
That was my opinion
Well heretofore
Then I met you
And now I’m not so sure

ONCE INSIDE MY HEART

Once inside my heart
You’ll find it bleak and stark
For love has been defeated
And sits lonely in the dark
No colours exist here
Only shades of grey
But if you can endure
You could show me the way
And lead me from the dark
And back into the day

SEE A RAINBOW?

The door to my heart
Is always open to loves light
My essence is a rainbow
A spectrum of bright hues
But if you can only see
In shades of monochrome
The door to my heart
Remains closed to you

DESCENT FROM CLOUD NINE

You were joyful, everything was fine
You were content, sitting on cloud nine
Then things sharply turned
And you ended up getting burned
You took your eye off the ball
And took your devastating fall
You thought as life was good for you
That everything was for me too
I know that for you it was for life
But I’m not content to be your wife
I need more

LONG TIME FRIEND

For so long you have been my friend
But you've grown nearer to my heart,
And now I want our friendship to end
And the longed for love affair to start

I DON’T LIKE REPETITION

I don’t like repetition
But I will never complain,
When you tell me you love me
Again and again.

A COMFORTER

A comforter is a form of bedding
The modern example is a duvet
Or perhaps a continental quilt,
An eiderdown is best so they say
But I think that you’re the best
Comforter by a very long way

DEPENDABLE

I think I overly rely on you
I try not to but I know I do
I know I depend on your support
Perhaps more than I ought
I don’t want to cause any upset
You’re more than a safety net
I know my view is slanted
And I’m sure I take you for granted
But the reason that I depend on you
Is because I’m in love with you

AUBURN HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the Auburn headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning brown hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-brown hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

A Humourous Selection # 2

MY 50TH

My 50th was approaching
A milestone for us males
I’d dropped loads of hints
Because hinting never fails
“I want something new and shiny,
And for further details,
Go from 0 to 150
And all that that entails”
Well she went and bought me
A new set of bathroom scales

MAYDAY MODE

"Mayday, Mayday. SOS, Mayday
My pilot has had a heart attack and died
Can anybody out there hear me?”
The panicky blonde passenger cried

Suddenly a voice comes over the radio
And spoke with reassuring charm
“Just relax; I’m going to talk you down
But it’s important that you stay calm”

“Just give me your height and position
And then we’ll get you down from there”
“Well if you really need to know I'm 5'1"
And I'm sitting in the pilot’s chair."

The radio went silent like for a moment
As if they’d gone completely off the air
Then the voice from the tower returned
“Do you know the Lords prayer?”

ON THE ROCKS

Vodka with ice is bad for you
Rum with ice is bad for you
Whiskey with ice is bad for you
Gin with ice is bad for you
I think we should refrain
From using ice, don’t you

DON’T MAKE A SPECTACLE OF YOURSELF

If you walk into everything
Because your eyesight is chronic
Then the next thing you should do
Is walk in to the walk in clinic

NAMING THE CONSTABULARY

Since the days of the bow street runners
When they numbered but a few
There have been slang names
For our wonderful boys in blue

From the old bill and lily law
To the filth, pigs and Bobbies
The fuzz, the plod and the Rozzers
To the Peelers, Coppers and Bizzies

This is just the tip of the ice berg
There are many more I know
I find some of the modern ones
Just a little absurd though

I get the cultural reference
In calling the police 5 0
But I think it’s a bit pre school
Calling the police the Po Po

WIND IN THE WILLOWS # 1

Ratty the water vole
And his friend Mr Mole
Buried Toad deep in a hole

MURDER SQUAD

The police, investigating a series of horrific murders
Appear to be out manoeuvred at every turn
All the victims were stabbed with knitting needles
Are the only details they’ve been able to discern
But even with such disappointing progress
They believe the killer maybe following a pattern

HEALTHY EATING

I’m trying to eat more healthily
Because you really can’t beat it
But when I buy rocket salad
It goes off before I can eat it

MENOPAUSAL MODE

Bimbette went home to see her mum
And found her acting quite funny
She was sat on the dining room floor
And appeared to be counting her money

But it was all coins of copper and silver
Then she started crying which was strange
Having never seen her like this, she asked
"Mum are you going through the change?"

CITIZENSHIP TEST

I have had an idea
For a citizenship test
And based on the success
Of this quest
The asylum application
Result should rest

The test would begin
With a long queue
That stretches away
Out of view
And that is all
That they’d have to do

Stand in a queue
Without knowing
The reason why
Or where it was going
And by this their
British-ness is showing

But if they fail
If they break ranks
Then that’s it
They’ve drawn blanks
And its good bye
And no thanks

ARE YOU WEARING? # 6

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE EYE LASHES?

Are you wearing false eye lashes?
You haven’t worn them before?
It’s just the way you’ve put them on
Makes you look like a Labrador

ARE YOU WEARING STILETTOS?

Are you wearing stilettos?
To cramp and pinch your toes
I’ll grant you have attractive pins
And the admirer certainly wins
But is it really worth the pain
To totter on your heels again

ARE YOU WEARING A WET SUIT?

Are you wearing a wet suit?
I’m sorry my query is moot
Why are you? Is more appropriate
As we’re stood in the Sahara desert

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing fishnet stockings?
They might be considered shocking
To those who think prim and proper
About a saucy stocking topper
Their thoughts are rather haughty
Where mine lean towards the naughty
So what other delightful accessory
Might be found up where necessary

ARE YOU WEARING A BLUSH?

Are you wearing a blush?
Oh was that another flush?
What have I been missing?
Who have you been kissing?
Have you been up to no good?
Been no better than you should?
Exactly what kind of disgrace?
Would put such colour in your face

ARE YOU WEARING FRUMPY CLOTHES?

Are you wearing frumpy clothes?
Because you like the style
Or did you cease to consider
Your appearance after a while

Perhaps you’re not in vogue
Because you’re just out of time
And dream of distant days
Being old fashioned is not a crime

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING CHIC?

Are you wearing something chic?
On your figure oh so sleek
That’s beautifully figure hugger
To tantalise a horny bugger

ARE YOU WEARING UGG BOOTS?

Are you wearing ugg boots?
I’m just a little shocked Aunty Ruth
Yes they are rather fun aren’t they
But to tell you the honest truth,
Without wanting to call you old,
They are more suited to the youth

ARE YOU WEARING LINCOLN GREEN?

Are you wearing Lincoln green?
Do you really think you should?
Because this isn’t merry England
And you aren’t Robin Hood

ARE YOU WEARING A SEAT BELT?

Are you wearing a seat belt?
Well you must as it’s the law
Yes I know its confining
But not as much as a mortuary draw

Just Plain Mucky

SEX IN SUBURBIA

Somewhere across this land
In house’s gable ended
Some frisky young frau’s
Are being table ended

TUP THAT

One of the most fulfilling moments
Is when I’m behind you tupping
And I reach beneath you
Until your breasts, I’m cupping

This is such an awesome pleasure
It always makes my spine tingle
And there I continue to hold you
Until the moment our juices mingle

SEX AID

My wife and I use Vaseline,
I’m not ashamed to say
My wife and I use it for sex
I’m not embarrassed to say
We put it on the door knob
To keep the kids at bay

A CAR FULL OF TOTTIE

A car full of tottie
Each one a hottie
A Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
Some a bit haughty
Some a bit naughty
Honeys that razzled
Babes that bedazzled
But still I blew it
Deep down I knew it
I knew that I’d do it
Only I could do it
From a Chevy of cuties
A bevy of beauties
I dropped a clanger
And pulled the old banger

AMPUTEE

She said “What happened to you?
“You’ve been in the wars a bit”
“I accidently cut my finger off” He told her
She asked “The whole finger was it?”
“No as a matter of fact” he replied
“It was the one next to it”

JOE AND MABEL

Joe offered Mabel a drink and said
“You remind me of my little toe”
She giggled a bit and replied
“Because I’m small and cute Joe?”
She giggled again and he laughed
Then he replied “No it’s not that Mabel
It’s because I’ll probably end up
Banging you on the coffee table”

DON’T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT THEM

I recently saw an email
With photos of celebrity types
Getting out of sports cars
Showing off their tripe’s
Now not wearing panties
And showing off your ass
Isn’t very cultured
And is really lacking class

Variety Is The Spice Of Life

WHAT GREATER COMPLIMENT

What greater compliment
Could be bestowed
On any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“He was faithful and true,
And discharged, with fidelity
Every trust
Confided to his keeping”
I would settle for that

WHAT GREATER EPITAPH

What greater epitaph
Could be written
Of any man
Than to say of him
At the end of his life
“While upon his death
He has left no
Large earthy riches,
To his afflicted family
But he has bequeathed
To them a legacy
More precious than gold
More imperishable
Then monumental brass,
A spotless name”

NOT A FOREIGN INVADER

Not a foreign invader
But an alien being
Inside me
Living, breathing
Growing stronger
Day by day
While I weakened
And in its strength
Is the knowledge
That it will not survive me
Cannot outlive me
Yet it is content
To kill me
Knowing it will end itself

OPEN YOUR ARMS TO CHANGE

Open your arms to change,
With open mind embrace the new
Open your heart to new possibilities
But to your values remain true

YOU DO NOT SUFFER FROM FALSE MODESTY

You do not suffer from false modesty
That is clear for even the blind to see
But if ever there was a truth that mattered
Its, don’t interrupt when you’re being flattered

I’M A LITTLE DESPOT

I’m a little despot
Short and stout
Hear my people
Scream and shout

I say jump
They ask how high
If they don’t
Then they die

I am the chosen
But not by them
I am the chosen
I tell them when

I’m a little despot
So they say
See my people
Wake up one day

ARE YOU WEARING? # 5

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY TROUSERS?

Are you wearing baggy trousers?
For any particular reason
They aren’t the height of fashion
They’re not even last season
You think they look “cool”
Whereas they look simply shoddy
I don’t know why you wear them
Unless you have a baggy body

ARE YOU WEARING PERFUME?

Are you wearing perfume?
I can smell it in this room
It’s a very seductive brew
Are you sure its not you?
Then the answer is clear
And your brother has I fear
With out our consent Suzy
Been entertaining a floozy

ARE YOU WEARING PRIMARK PANTS?

Are you wearing Primark pants?
Don’t you think that a little drastic?
You don’t want, on you wedding day
To be let down by cheap elastic

ARE YOU WEARING FLIP FLOPS?

Are you wearing flip flops?
I can’t believe you don’t know
But the garden is under
About four feet of snow

ARE YOU WEARING A THONG?

Are you wearing a thong?
No there’s nothing wrong
It’s just that they do so
Make you look like a sumo

ARE YOU WEARING A NURSE’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a nurse’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The starched apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
Oh what a feast before my eyes
Come and feel my pulse rate rise
Only you can now tangibly
Cure this poor patient’s malady

ARE YOU WEARING A MOUSTACHE?

Are you wearing a moustache?
And is that a shaving rash?
Well I’m really sorry Ash
But I think I have to dash

ARE YOU WEARING A FRENCH MAID’S OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a French maid’s outfit?
Does it come with all the kit?
The little apron and the hat
The black stockings and all that
With all the coyness you can muster
Reach up with your feather duster
On tip toes reach up high
So I can glimpse a bit of thigh
Then come back down to earth
And get to work for all your worth

ARE YOU WEARING A BEARD?

Are you wearing a beard?
Wow that’s really weird
With the way you walk
And on the phone when we talk
Well that has me in a whirl
I thought you were a girl

ARE YOU WEARING FALSE NAILS?

Are you wearing false nails?
Is there really any point?
After all you will just
Bite them down to the joint

Spiritual # 1

A GOOD TIME GIRL

If it’s a fallen angel you require
If it’s a good time girl you desire
Then any bar will fill your need
Pick any club and you’ll succeed
But if it’s for an angel you search
Then you should try the Church
You’ll find in any neighbourhood
A girl who uses her time for good

WE LIVE IN A CYNICAL WORLD

We live in a cynical world
So why should we believe
We think our politicians
Are programmed to deceive
We distrust anyone wearing
Their heart on their sleeve
So is it any wonder that
On the whole we disbelieve
Now doubtless you will tag me
As impossibly naive
But for me it is impossible
For me to ever conceive
Of a universe where God
Is absent from the weave

WHEN LOVE FILLS THE HEART

When love fills the heart
Until it overflows
There is but one thing to-do
As everyone knows
And that is to share it out
With friends and foes

Relationships # 1

I DON’T TRUST A MAN

“I don’t trust a man”
(Normally that says it all)
That goes for most of them
“But I don’t trust a man”
Who doesn't close his eyes
When I kiss him”

MAIL CALL

I spoke into the envelope
Saying “I really love you Gail”
Then I sealed the envelope
And posted my voice mail

ALPHABETICALLY DESCRIBED

After fifty years of married life
And after being prompted by his wife
A husband set out to describe her
And this was what he said of her

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K, L." He said sweetly
“And what does that mean?”
She asked suspiciously

"Adorable, Beautiful,
Cuddly, Delightful,
Elegant, Fragrant,
Generous, Heaven-sent.”

"Oh, that's so lovely
What about I, J, K and L?"
"I'm Just Kidding Love!" He laughed
And she made his eye swell

THE FINAL RECKONING

As she sat by his bedside
As his life ebbed away
His eyes filled with tears
And she heard him quietly say

“All through the bad times
You’ve been with me
When I lost my job
You were there to support me
When the business went under
You stood by me
When we lost the house
You stood beside me
When my health started failing
You were still beside me

“Do you know something love?”
“What darling?” she said thru the tears
“I've come to the conclusion
You’re a Jonah dear”

WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?

A wife asked her husband
“Would you marry again? If I died?"
"No, I would definitely not"
The husband lied

Good I wouldn’t want you
To get another spouse
Or have another woman
Living in my house

Or using my golf clubs
At the club on ladies day
“Well” he said “don’t worry
She’s left-handed anyway."

I WAS EXPLAINING REINCARNATION

I was explaining reincarnation to my wife
And how you return as a different form of life
She said she wanted to come back as a cow
She obviously misunderstood some how

I DON’T DESERVE SOMEONE

I don’t deserve someone
Thoughtful, warm and caring
I don’t deserve someone
Loving and understanding
I don’t deserve someone
Affectionate and true
I don’t deserve any of that
Which is why I’m stuck with you

WHEN YOU DIE - WIFE

“When you die”
I told my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on granite
To survive the weather
“Here lies my wife
As cold as ever”

WHEN YOU DIE - HUSBAND

“When you die”
Said my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on a plaque
Of shinning brass
“Here lies my husband
Stiff at last”

DOCTOR HUSBAND

The doctor and his wife
Were having a fight
At the breakfast table.
But before he took flight
From the tempestuous scene
These terrible words were said
In the heat of the moment
“And you’re no good in bed”
Later when he got home
She and another were in sexual union
“What are you doing?”
He yelled on the unhappy reunion
She replied calmly
“I was getting a second opinion!'

A Humourous Selection # 1

A SOLEMN UNDERTAKING

When drivers choose to undertake
A risky manoeuvre is undertaken
But what they risk undertaking
Is an appointment with an undertaker

IF PASTA AND ANTI PASTA

If pasta and anti pasta
Came together
On one platter
Would it lead to disaster?


SHAMPOO MODUS

Bimbette was in the bathroom
And Clair shouted up to her
“You can use my shampoo
If you want to wash your hair”
And Bimbette shouted back
“Thanks but I can’t use it Clair,
It says it’s only for dry hair
And mine is wet to be fair”

BREAKFAST FOR MAISIE

This morning, mewing loudly
The cat greeted me
She clearly wanted her breakfast
So I gave her mewsly

GREEN BELT

Planning regulations only apply
It seems, to the ordinary people
The rank and file
Those without power or influence
Or the means to fill brown envelopes
Because to Politicians and developers
The only green they understand
Is cold hard cash
And they think that the green belt
Is just an inferior grade in Judo

FLY TRAP

When you’ve been to the loo
And you’ve done what you must do
You give a little tap, tap, tap
To shake the drips of the old chap
But as you try to zip him back in
You catch a little bit of skin
Which really hurts your old chap
When he’s caught in the penis fly trap

MATURE CONVERSATION

My wife of many years
Thinks that I’m immature
Why she has the opinion
I confess that I’m not really sure

She thinks we need to sit down
And talk the problem through
I think it’s a load of tosh
To be perfectly honest with you

But in the interest of peace I agreed
Though I don’t see the reason
But I told her I couldn’t do it
Until after the conker season

THE NIGHT BUS

After a night out at the pub
I drunk until I could drink no more
And in a disorderly way
I made my way out of the door
But being the worse for ware
I hadn’t walked very far
When I came to the conclusion
I was too drunk to drive the car
So I decided to take the bus
And I arrived safely at my door
Which was truly amazing
As I’d never driven a bus before

END OF THE LINE

My mate was so depressed
In fact he was suicidal
But he wasn’t dynamic
In fact he was bloody idle

So I took care of him
As a true friend never quits
I pushed him under a train
He was chuffed to bits

WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY

Steve Jobs has gone to glory,
He’s joined Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the familiar story is
No Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

ARE YOU WEARING? # 4

ARE YOU WEARING A BAGGY SWEATER?

Are you wearing a baggy sweater?
For a particular reason maybe
You haven’t suddenly become a frump
So you must be having a baby

ARE YOU WEARING BEIGE?

Are you wearing beige?
For one reason or another
But please don’t be telling me
That it’s your favourite colour

ARE YOU WEARING MUSK?

Are you wearing musk?
Well someone is me thinks
And I know that it’s not me
But God it really stinks

ARE YOU WEARING FALSIES?

Are you wearing falsies?
How disappointing is that
I thought you were well proportioned
But your chest is really flat
I thought you were a catch
But I was wrong about that
I thought I was getting mackerel
But I ended up with sprat

ARE YOU WEARING FISHNET TIGHTS?

Are you wearing fishnet tights?
That’s not a bad catch, I’ll bet
There’s a sight worth seeing
When you bend over Jeanette
That must be like the moment
The football hits the back of the net

ARE YOU WEARING A SCOWL?

Are you wearing a scowl?
Or is it your irritable bowel
No it’s an irritable scowl
Because I left my wet towel

ARE YOU WEARING LIPSTICK?

Are you wearing lipstick?
Well to avoid looking like a dipstick
You might want to adjust it a bit
Maybe you could tone it down
Before you go off to town
You don’t want to look like a clown

ARE YOU WEARING A FROWN?

Are you wearing a frown?
Is something getting you down?
It’s something I’ve done?
A broken rule? What another one?
Oh now what is that look about?
I’ve done it now, no doubt
Now your arms are folded
I’m about to get scolded
No I don’t have a clue
What I’ve done to upset you
If you don’t tell me I’ll never guess
The reason for your distress
So spit it out nice and plain
To avoid having to say it again
Ok so the reason for the frown
Is I didn’t put the loo seat down

ARE YOU WEARING MAKE UP?

Are you wearing make up?
You don’t usually wear a scrap
Well you look prettier than ever
Are you going to meet a chap?
You’re not meeting a beau?
What no one has set their cap?
But there is someone you like
Someone you’d like to entrap
Well whoever he might be
He is definitely a lucky chap
Too be caught by one as lovely as you
In sweet loves tender trap
My you have a glint in your eye
Why are you climbing on my lap?
What are you doing to my ear?
Should we just slow down perhaps
It’s hard to concentrate when you do that
So please let me just recap
Am I right in assuming by your behaviour?
That I’m the lucky chap

ARE YOU WEARING RUNNING CLOTHES?

Are you wearing running clothes?
What on earth are you thinking?
You are in no shape for running
What have you been drinking?
I wasn’t born yesterday you know
You’ve had more than a tipple
You’ll be sorry I can tell you
When you end up with jogger’s nipple

The Love Selection # 1

STRAWBERRY HEADED MAIDEN FAIR

All I can do is stand and stare
At the strawberry headed maiden fair
The girl with the shinning blonde hair
Oh beautiful maiden standing there
With tresses of reddish-blonde hair
Please be the answer to my prayer

ARE YOU THE ONE?

I'd like to give you the special key
That unlocks my forbidding heart
But I must be sure you are the one
I must know that before we start
Or the secret of the golden key
I would be unable to impart

I KNOW I PROMISED NOT TO CALL HER

I know I promised not to call her
But I just had to speak to Joyce
She smiled when she picked up the phone
I could hear it clearly in her voice
And how I needed to hear that sweet sound
A sound to make angels rejoice
And when she spoke my name
I knew I’d made the right choice

WE HAVE THE MOST PERFECT LOVE

We have the most perfect love
We fit together like a hand in glove
Because our love for each other
Is greater than our need for each other

FOR EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT YOU

For every little thing about you
Every way you’ve showed you cared
For all the happy laughter
And all the happy times we’ve shared

For always being there
And being the essential part of my life
For just being with me
And for agreeing to become my wife

FOR EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE

For everything that you are
And for everything that you do
For all of this and so much more
With all my heart I thank you

MY HEART IS SO FULL OF LOVE

My heart is so full of love
Yet my words alone can't say,
They simply fail to express
What I wish to convey

I am just like an infant
Mumbling the snips and bytes
Of unformed language
To incoherently recite

I am like a foreign visitor
Trying to translate into English
Trying to formulate phrases
Instead translating into gibberish

My heart is so full of love
So why can I not just say
That I love you darling
Why is it so hard to convey

LOVE THRILLS

Hedonistic thrill seekers
Adrenalin junkies
One and all
Cannot surpass the thrill
You get from love
When you completely fall

And for pure danger
Nothing is more injurious
More painful to befit
Than when you’ve succumbed
And you are in love
And you then fall out of it

MY LIFE RUNS FAST AWAY

My life runs fast away
Like sand in an hourglass,
And with each grain of sand
Goes a moment in of my lifetime
Each moment is an empty one
Not spent with you
The moments are fast running out
As the grains of sand move on
And still I wait to meet you

ACCEPT ME PLEASE

Accept me please
Accept all of me
Every flaw and blemish
Every quirk and foible
For if love is as you say
Truly unconditional
You should accept me as I am

Soldiering

IT WAS THE LOWLY SOLDIER

It was the lowly soldier
Not the journalist
Who won their right
To freedom of the press

It was the lowly soldier,
Not the lofty poet,
Who won for them
Freedom of speech

It was the lowly soldier
Not the politicians
Who secure for all of us
The peace

IT’S THE SIMPLE SOLDIER

It’s the simple soldier
Who serves the flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who salutes the flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who fights beneath that flag
It’s the simple soldier
Who dies beneath that flag
And it’s the simple soldier
Carried shoulder high
In a coffin draped by the flag

WHY IS IT THAT THE FLAG?

Why is it that the flag?
Means more to those who fight for it
Than it does to the people
Who sent them to fight for it

WHY IS IT THAT THE NATIONS FLAG?

Why is it that the nations flag?
Appears to mean much more
To the soldiers who fight for it
Than the people they’re fighting for

GOD AND THE SOLDIERS

We look to God and the soldiers
Mostly during times of war
But when peace again descends
They are both forgotten like before

A Family Selection

WHO LOVES US?

Who loves us without condition?
Who loves us in their admonition?
Who loves us despite the dirt?
Who do we go to when we’re hurt?
Who shares in all our joys?
Who buys us the best toys?
Who keeps us warm and fed?
Who would prefer a puppy instead?
Who cheers us up when we’re sad?
Who else but mum and dad

THE GREATEST FRIEND I EVER HAD

The greatest friend I ever had,
Since I was still just a little lad
To this very day is my Dad

LOOK AFTER HER

Look after her
While you still have her
For there will be no other
So cherish her
And appreciate her
For no one can replace your Mother

WHEN CHILDREN LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME

When children leave the family home
No matter where the children roam
Despite the passing of the years
Its mum they want to wipe away the tears
When the world slaps them in the face
They head straight to that one special place
Where the door is always open wide
Where they know they can safely abide
Safely ensconced in that special place
That is a mother’s warm embrace

OH DEAR PARENTS

Oh dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Appreciate how lucky
We are to have you two
You’ve told us often enough
To give us a clue

So dear parents
Its time for us to say
That we are grateful
In our own kind of way
Though we think your methods
Are a little passe

Now dear parents
Let us tell you that we do
Without reservations
Love the two of you
But if you repeat this
We will deny that it’s true

NOT HERE

Now that mums not here
You try not to show you’re sad
But we know you miss her
And we know that you feel bad
But please don’t ever forget
That we all miss her too dad

ARE YOU WEARING? # 3

ARE YOU WEARING BOXING GLOVES?

Are you wearing boxing gloves?
Well as they say “if the cap fits”
I should say it’s not before time
And might curb your nocturnal habits

ARE YOU WEARING A SMILE?

Are you wearing a smile?
Because you know all the while
In your own inimitable style
That you are a commandophile

ARE YOU WEARING SURGICAL STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing surgical stockings?
I know that shouldn’t excite me
The thought of them turns me on
If that’s a problem you can bite me

ARE YOU WEARING A ROSE?

Are you wearing a rose?
Its subtle fragrance, heaven knows
So sweet smelling to the nose
That Rose pinned to your lapel
Does intoxicate me so well
And does hold me in its spell

ARE YOU WEARING CHANEL?

Are you wearing Chanel?
Why do you wear that smell?
At the chip shop when it was quite late
And I asked you out on a date
When you were standing frying fish
You fulfilled my perfect wish
I thought you would smell like that
Because I like the smell of chip fat

ARE YOU WEARING WIDOWS WEEDS?

Are you wearing widows’ weeds?
Well you still have a woman needs
And you’re still in your prime
You’ve waited a respectful time
After that event so fateful
So just lie back and be grateful

ARE YOU WEARING MOURNING CLOTHES?

Are you wearing mourning clothes?
Black really does look good on you
And I am very curious to know
If your underwear is black too

ARE YOU WEARING BOOTS?

Are you wearing boots?
It’s a little warm for that Betty
No they suit you very well indeed
But they make your calves sweaty

ARE YOU WEARING SCENT?

Are you wearing scent?
You don’t usually exude
Even when you’re going out
For a social interlude
If you are wearing scent
It means you’re going to get rude

ARE YOU WEARING SLIPPERS?

Are you wearing slippers?
Yes I do think they suit you
I just questioning their suitability
For a visit to the zoo

ARE YOU WEARING? # 2

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING OLD?

Are you wearing something old?
A family heirloom lovingly handed down
Something of great personal sentiment
Pinned to your beautiful wedding gown

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING NEW?

Are you wearing something new?
On your wedding day
Sorry that’s a silly question
What a thing to say
You’re an Essex girl
So daddy is going to pay

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING NAUGHTY?

Are you wearing something naughty?
I’m thinking it’s naughty but very nice
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Something to give the night a little spice
White of course to remain in keeping
A touch of the virginal with a hint of vice

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING BLUE?

Are you wearing something blue?
You know, something old, something new,
Something borrowed, something blue
Are you wearing something blue?
Its ok I didn’t mean to panic you
I think you’ll find a garter will normally do

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING BORROWED?

Are you wearing something borrowed?
As part of your beautiful wedding dress
Something loaned to you with love
Intended to bring luck and lovingly bless

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SAUCY?

Are you wearing something saucy?
Beneath your beautiful wedding livery
Little more than lacy bits of string
That should render you all shivery
When on your wedding night you are
Unwrapped like a special delivery

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING?

Are you wearing something?
As you glide gracefully down the aisle
Having knowledge of you as I do
Wearing no underwear is more your style

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SEXY?

Are you wearing something sexy?
As part of your beautiful wedding out fit
Are you all gartered or suspender-ed
Beneath your beautiful wedding kit
Powdered perfumed and splendour-ed
Are you buffed and waxed a bit
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Are you bronzed and toned and fit
Is there silk and lace and bows
I hope you’re wearing all the kit

ARE YOU WEARING AMERICAN PANTS?

Are you wearing American Pants?
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scoff
But I’ve heard about American pants
Just one yank and their off

ARE YOU WEARING FAKE TAN?

Are you wearing fake tan?
Or have you been out in the sun
Either way I’m not really fussed
But seeing your white bits might be fun

PANCAKE DAY

TOSSING A PANCAKE

Tossing a pancake
I can do that
Just get a fry pan
Heat up the fat
Mix up the batter
As easy as that
One on the ceiling
One on the cat
One on the door
One on the mat
One on my head
Like a sweet sticky hat

TOSSING THE PANCAKE

Tossing the pancake
How hard could it be?
Well quite difficult
Which surprised me
What an awful mess
After the first three
I gave up after four
That landed on me

I THOUGHT I’D TRY TOSSING A PANCAKE

I thought I would try tossing a pancake
Well that turned out to be a big mistake
The first three didn’t leave the pan at all
The next two were sliding down the wall
The only one dispatched with any grace
Then splashed hot fat right in my face

PANCAKE DAY

For the world at large shrove Tuesday
Precedes Ash Wednesday
For my unfortunate family stove Tuesday
Precedes trash Wednesday

AT THE ANNUAL PANCAKE RACE

At the annual pancake race
The winner is always smug Trace
I’m always at the rear of the chase
Limping home in last place
Then I must congratulate Trace
And engage in a false embrace
When I really want to hear the base
Of the frying pan hitting her face

A QUESTION OF SPORT

A GAME OF ARRA’S

Me and some friends
Fancied a game of darts
I said, “Nearest the bull
To see who starts”
Johnny went “Woof”
And I went “Baah”
Then Danny went “Moo”
He was the closest by far

GOOD OLD FIFA

Good old FIFA
Are getting very fat
With a fee for this
And a fee for that

A GAME OF ALL FOURS

When she suggested
A game of all fours
I thought that meant
Getting into her drawers
But no I was wrong
Which is a shame
It turns out “all fours”
Is just a card game


ACED

My uncle sadly died at Wimbledon
He was a killed by a tennis ball
I wasn’t too sad at the funeral
It was a lovely service after all

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS FOURS?

Are you wearing plus fours?
Well they look just the job
The tweeds with argyle socks
But you do look like a nob

ARE YOU WEARING PLUS TWOS?

Are you wearing plus twos?
Well listen, here’s the bad news
It looks as though the plus twos
Have fallen out with your shoes

ARE YOU WEARING OLYMPIC SUITS?

Are you wearing Olympic suits?
Well you’re looking very smart
You’re Essex lads aren’t you?
I bet you can’t wait for it to start
You will show to the world at large
That you have good hearts
When you’re lighting the torches
Show us you possess some smarts
For I hope there is more to you
When the 2012 Olympiad starts
Than dropping your tailored trousers
And lighting up your farts

OK MY LITTLE SEX POODLE

“Ok my little sex poodle
Get up those stairs right now
Quickly get up those stairs
You horny little cow”

“Oh you sweet talker
You have the gift and how
I’m your spanky sex poodle
I’m your willing little frau”

“No I mean it get upstairs
You don’t have to kowtow
Just get upstairs without delay
The match is starting now”

THE BEST IN THE WORLD

I wont hear a word against our tennis players
It’s true that they certainly have their detractors
But I have always thought British players
Make truly world-class tennis commentators

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 1

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at our salon
He doesn’t really communicate
And he scares a lot of the customers
When is says “Exfoliate, exfoliate”

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 2

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at our uni
He doesn’t really communicate
And he scares a lot of the students
When is says “Extrapolate, Extrapolate”
SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 3

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Vatican
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the devout
When it says Excommunicate, Excommunicate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 4

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Old Bailey
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Barristers
When it says Exonerate, Exonerate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 5

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Old Bailey
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Barristers
When it says Extenuate, Extenuate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 6

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Uni
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the debaters
When it says Expostulate, Expostulate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 7

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at Tesco’s
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the shoppers
When it says Extortionate, Extortionate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 8

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the theme park
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the visitors
When it says Exhilarate, Exhilarate

SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 9

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working as a Miner
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the workers
When it says Excavate, Excavate


SINCE THE BBC SACKED ALL THE DALEKS # 10

Since the BBC sacked all the Daleks
Most are just scrounging off the state
But there is one working at the Hotel
He doesn’t really communicate
And it scares a lot of the Guests
When it says Remunerate, Remunerate

ARE YOU WEARING? # 1

ARE YOU WEARING LILY OF THE VALLEY?

Are you wearing
“Lily of the valley”?
It smells very much
Like you are Sally
So don’t deny it
I can tell that it’s true
“Lily of the valley”?
How old are you?

ARE YOU WEARING BODY PAINT?

Are you wearing body paint?
Don’t tell me that you aint
Now you’ve got me in a fluster
I can see its glorious lustre
What a sexy sight to savour
What? It’s chocolate flavour?
Don’t tease me now stop it
There’s only one thing can top it
I’ll tell you and no mistake
And that’s a Cadbury’s flake

ARE YOU WEARING A FLOWER?

Are you wearing a flower?
Pinned to your lapel
A Rose or a Carnation
So your date can easily tell
Who you are in the crowd
And you can see them as well

But if you cannot spot them
Stood beneath the tower
And you find yourself alone
Long after the allotted hour
Somewhere on the floor
Will be a discarded flower

ARE YOU WEARING A CARNATION?

Are you wearing a carnation?
To mark you out at the station
As you stand beneath the clock
In your best evening frock
Or do you keep it under your cloak
Until you get a look at the bloke
And if you don’t fancy him
Do you throw it in the bin?

ARE YOU WEARING UNDER CRACKERS?

Are you wearing under crackers?
To cover up your knackers
Is the boxer revolution
Your best underwear solution
Or do they dangle to and fro
As you walk about commando

ARE YOU WEARING A WEDDING RING?

Are you wearing a wedding ring?
Well never mind about that old thing
You’re only married, you haven’t died
Come on you know you want to inside
Don’t worry about the wedding ring
Come on have some fun let’s have a fling

ARE YOU WEARING AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

Are you wearing an engagement ring?
Oh isn’t it a beautifully sparkly thing
It clearly signifies as it sparkles in the light
That you haven’t yet married Mr Right
So even if the answer might well be no
It’s definitely well worth giving it a go

ARE YOU WEARING A NEGLIGEE?

Are you wearing a negligee?
It’s really very nice, I must say
I can see through it all the way
Every line, every curve, every dip
But if I might just offer a little tip
The foliage could do with a clip

ARE YOU WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR?

Are you wearing clean underwear?
That’s what my mum asked me. I swear
Every time I left the house to go out
Are you wearing clean underwear? She’d shout
As I proceeded swiftly with my fleeing
But her concern was not for my well being
She was worried about her embarrassment
If I were to suffer a serious accident
And be undressed by the nursing staff
Where my dirty pants would raise a laugh

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING WICKED?

Are you wearing something wicked?
Are you black clad beneath the white?
Underneath your dress are you silkily encased?
For a very wicked wedding night

ARE YOU WEARING SOMETHING SHOCKING?

Are you wearing something shocking?
Beneath your beautiful wedding dress
Well it’s not the stockings and suspenders
But your tattooed arse that will cause distress

21ST CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 231

Ky-me Nay-mo
Kilt-a ky-mo
Ky-me nay-mo
Ky-me
Man dig that scat cat daddio

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 232

Rim strim stram-a-diddle
Larra-bum-a-ring ting
Rig-num bulletin a-ky-mo!

Ah that’s Jazz man

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 233

Leg over leg,
As the man went to Dover;
When he came to a girl
He got his leg over

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 234

Miss Jane had a bag
It was robbed in a minute
She opened the bag
And a scouser was in it

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 235

As I was going by Charing Cross,
A cyclist ran me down of course

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 236

To market, to market, a gallop a trot,
To buy some meat to put in the pot;
Make sure its meat don’t let them con you
I won’t be impressed if you come home with tofu

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 237

There was a little guinea-pig,
In my neighbours house
Why?
Anybody?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 238

There was an old woman
Tucked up in a basket
They use them now
Instead of a casket

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 239

My father left me three acres of land,
Oh grand, oh grand
And what can be found on this land?
Only sand, just sand

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 240

Buzz wuzz was that little fly
And how he loved to caper
Up and down the room he flew
Until I hit it with my paper

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 241

St. Swithin's day if thou dost rain
For forty days it will remain
And that’s the English summer for you

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 242

St. Swithin's day if thou be fine
For forty days the sun will shine
And if you believe that you’ll believe anything

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 243

The Barber shaved the Mason,
And then at the close
The barber did propose
Something for the weekend sir?

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 244

John Cook was a cyclist
All licra clad
He rides the road and the pavement
Equally as bad

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 245

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Bank,
Pedalling fast
He thought running red lights a bit of a prank

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 246

John Cook was riding up
Shooter's Hill,
Pedalling fast
Pedestrians scattering to avoid being killed

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 247

John Cook was riding down the road
Pedalling fast
He hit a pothole
And has ridden his last

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 248

To market, to market, to buy a plum cake;
Make sure it’s a plum cake, don’t make a mistake
I don’t want a Battenberg at any price
Because it is foreign and not very nice

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 249

To market, to market to buy a fat piggy;
Make sure its not skinny or twiggy
To market, to market, to buy us a hog;
Make sure you don’t come home with a dog

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 251

Mary hand a little lamb
The sweetest lamb devised
But when all said and done
The midwife was surprised

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 252

Mary hand a little lamb
And how sweet the lamb looks
Then the midwife said
“Well that’s one for the text books”

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 253

There once was a lady named Paddy Rabbitt
Who had a flat in Tower Bridge she did inhabit
But no one would believe it
Not a living soul would have it
That a flat in Tower Bridge housed Paddy Rabbitt

For StanTheMan

A Christmas Selection Box # 11

EVER SO HUMBLE

When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble

SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF

Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list

CHRISTMAS SWEATER

My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell

For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater

I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate

It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it

She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate

She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?

Are you wearing Christmas knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Christmas knickers
What wonderful Christmas fare

MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO

Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto

SANTA AND ELFIE

Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff

DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA

Against my better judgement
I took my young son to the store
And we queued up for an hour
So he could see Santa Claus

The grotto was cheap and nasty
It was a terrible site to behold
I thought the whole thing a rip off
And my son thought he was too old

Santa’s little helper was pregnant
The head Elf was high as a kite
But I thought if we stayed in line
Every thing would turn out alright

Well he climbed onto Santa’s lap
To tell him his Christmas wish
But Santa smelled of whisky
And his trousers smelled of piss

It was about making memories
Well, according to my wife
But instead of a memorable visit
I think we scarred him for life

NEW FOR CHRISTMAS

There is to be a new sanitary product
That is set to make cash registers ring
A new tampon in the shops by Christmas
That comes complete with a tinsel string

The retailers are extremely confident
And believe that sales will be myriad
But they have been at pains to stress
They are only meant for the festive period

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?

Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat

DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA

Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball

Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat

If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation

A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders

BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE

It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho

ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?

Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?

IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO

It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble
CHRISTMAS NEW BORN

You came into our lives
A fighter and a screamer
Born to us at Christmas
Just like our redeemer

And how we loved you
Right from the very start
But naming you was hard
What name should we impart?

Then like a light coming on
The answer rang like a bell
You were born at Christmas
So we would call you Noelle

IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS

If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly

And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too

A Christmas Selection Box # 10

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MERRY CHRISTMAS

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
I hear the bell chimes
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The best of all times
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
The old and the new
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas,
Merry Christmas to you

ALL ACROSS THIS COUNTRY

All across this country
All across this land
All across the world
His route is carefully planned

To keep ahead of the sun
To miss the no fly zones
Avoid the passenger planes
And steer clear of traffic cones

He must carefully time his mission
To a schedule carefully trialled
To ensure its full success
And not disappoint a single child

JOY BRINGER, TOY BRINGER

Joy bringer
Toy bringer
He’s the real McCoy
For every girl and boy

NOT A THRIFT GIVER

Not a thrift giver
But a gift giver
Santa will forever
Have love to deliver

THIS IS OUR FIRST CHRISTMAS

This is our first Christmas
As husband and wife
The very first Christmas
Of our married life
This is our first Christmas
Together in our house
The very first Christmas
With my very own spouse

PUT ASIDE YOUR SADNESS

Put aside your sadness
Lose yourself in the madness
That is Christmas,
Come spend it with us
Come and you will see
That with cherished company
The season will be a little brighter
And the weight on your heart a little lighter

THEY ARE THE THREE KINGS

There are three things
That Christmas brings
They are the three kings

Trimming and dec-king
Gratefully than-king,
And memory ma-king,

I DON’T WANT TO WISH YOU

I don’t want to wish you
A happy holiday
No that I will not say

I’m not going to wish you
A happy yuletide
No that I will not abide

I’m not going to wish you
A happy festive period,
No and the reasons are myriad

I’m not going to wish you
A happy winter festival
No, that isn’t suitable

I’m going to wish to you
A very happy Christmas
So have a very Happy Christmas

MY CHRISTMAS GIFT TO YOU

My Christmas gift to you
Is not wrapped up in coloured paper,
Tied with ribbon and bows
And hidden beneath the tree
It’s visible for all to see
It is written on my face
Like ink on parchment
It spills out from my heart
Like boiling milk from a pan
It emanates from my every pore
And surrounds us all
My Christmas gift to you
Is my never ending love

PS – there are gifts under the tree as well

WHEN CHRISTMAS WEARS ITS TINSELLED GOWN

When Christmas wears its tinselled gown
Joy fills the streets around the town
We must banish those who wear a frown
As we celebrate the King with the holy crown

A CHRISTMAS DREAM

It was just another dream
That I awoke from that morn
It was a very familiar dream
A regular one rather well worn

The theme was the same as usual
The dream was all about you
Just another stupid dream
That will never come true

But it wasn’t exactly the same
It was a variation on a theme
This time it had changed
It was a Christmas dream

But this time it felt so real
Will it ever come true?
This Christmas dream of mine
About spending Christmas with you

A Christmas Selection Box # 9

CHRISTMAS (ACROSTIC)

Candles burn on advent crown,
Holly boughs are cut,
Red ribbon binds the wreath, and
Incense fragrances the air
Spices make the senses tingle
Treats await the patient lip, as
Merriment is close at hand,
Anticipation keenly felt, as the
Special day grows near

I WOULD GIVE TO YOU ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

I would give to you
On Christmas morning
The gift of love
Contained within my heart
So I could deliver it
And to show good faith
I would wrap it in my soul
Then you would have the best of me
For with no heart and soul
I am but an empty shell
So I would give you that as well
And then you would have all of me

CHRISTMAS IS A GIFT

Christmas is a gift
A gift to the world
Of infinite grace
A special gift
Of redemption for all
Don’t cast it aside

CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

Celebrate Christmas
With Christ, in his house
With his love in your heart
You can’t celebrate him
In a pub, or in gluttony and avarice
At the shopping mall

ON A STILL CLEAR NIGHT

The shepherds rested in the firelight
When they were woken on a still clear night
By heavens choir hastening them
To go forth unto Bethlehem
The heavenly choir
Sang of Gods desire
To give the world his son
His one and only one
The choir continued to sing
And announced the birth of a king

LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS

I want you with me at Christmas
I want you to be at home
And I know it’s not possible
But I just don’t want to be alone

MISSING YOU

We want you home at Christmas
We want you to spend it with us
But we understand the reason why
And we promise to try not to cry
We will spend Christmas on our own
Until you come marching safely home

THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS

When first you hear
A seasonal refrain
You know its time
To climb the ladder again
Up to the attic
Amongst the dust
To find the box
That is a must.
Where your heart will lift
At its very sight
And when in hand
You’ll grip it tight
Such is its precious nature
A box of magic
Of which its loss
Would be so tragic
For so special are
The boxes contents
Because this box
Contains the ornaments
That will grace the tree
And each trinket and angel
Every bell and bauble
Has a special tale to tell
For every ornament
That hangs upon the tree
Holds its own
Christmas memory

ITS NOT THAT I’M ANTI SOCIAL

I won’t come to the pub
Thank you all the same
Not in celebration
No thanks I will refrain

I will go to church
Thank you all the same
To celebrate the day
That the Lord came

UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN

Don’t worry that the little ones
Will be up at the crack of dawn
It is worth it to see the simple joy
In their eyes on Christmas morn

SOMETHING MAGICAL IS HAPPENING

Something magical is happening
Can you feel it?
Something special is on its way
You all love it

Christmas is coming and hearts
Are full to brimming
Because Christmas is abiding love
With all the trimmings

A Christmas Selection Box # 8

MORE NUTS THAN CAN BE CRACKED

We buy more drink than can be drunk
We buy more food than can be eaten
We give more gifts than can be appreciated
But for fun Christmas can’t be beaten

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES’S

It can only be Christmas
When the sane start acting funny
Going nuts for Christmas’s sake
And spending too much money

Even the levelheaded slip
And fall at the Christmas season
Swept along with the throng
Losing all sense of reason

Why does it always happen?
Why does madness always descend?
It seems that the less people have
The more they want to spend

So desperate not to miss out
And to have their share of festive cheer
They have a very happy Christmas
And pay the price all the coming year

THE GIFT OF GIVING

Gift giving
Is in itself a gift
Get it right
And watch spirits lift
Get it wrong
And they’ll be miffed
And undoubtedly
You’ll get short shrift
It isn’t in every one
Not everyone is able
So be warned
As you wrap and label
That a turkey
May not be confined to the table

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Christmas spirit,
No matter what you might think
Doesn’t come in a bottle
It isn’t a drink
It cannot be supped
But can be consumed
But its presence
Cannot be presumed
It must be cherished
Where it is found
Respectfully nurtured
And then spread around

ANOTHER OLD FOLKS CHRISTMAS PARTY

Another old folks Christmas party
Old friends well met, hail and hearty
Thoughts of the past would produce a tear
But a shared memory brought some cheer
And while remembering the good old days
A glass they would all gladly raise

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOODWILL TO ALL MEN

“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all men”
Does that irritate you?
I’m not alone then
The men have done nothing,
Remember
Since the final BBQ
Back in September
It’s the mums
Who spend the whole of December
With everything to do
And everything to remember
While they sit
TV remote in hand drinking beer
Where is the mums well deserved
Christmas cheer
Why can’t we sit down?
On our overworked bums
“Merry Christmas
And goodwill to all mums”

THE TREE OF EVERGREEN

A top the tree of evergreen
See the star of Christmas sit
While scattered on its boughs
The coloured lights are lit

On the branches baubles hang
Glorious globes of glass delight
Candy canes and little gifts
And silver tinsel twinkling bright

And below the tree of evergreen
Adorned in festive dress
Sits the pile of Christmas gifts
Awaited with eagerness

LISTEN ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

On Christmas morning
While tree tops still glisten
If you stop opening presents
And take a moment to listen

You will hear a sound
Unmistakable, clear and true
The sound of Love
Will be in the room with you

WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings
Of Orient are
- not part of a meritocracy

MARY CHRISTMAS

Before Mary Christmas
Married Santa Claus
She had some concerns
And decided to take pause
To discuss a pre-nup
Within the current laws
She was not concerned
With any character flaws
She just wanted the security
Of a get out Claus

A Christmas Selection Box # 7

THE GLAD THE MAD AND THE BAD

Well it’s that time of year again
The time when we feign gladness
When we all get caught up
In the annual collective madness
The time of year when we pretend
The world is not full of badness

STALKS AND STEMS

On a bed of haulm
In a stable bare
The son off God
Is laying there

BOXING DAY MORNING

If you wake up and feel like hell,
And if you really feel quite unwell
Then that is the best way for you to tell
That you really did Christmas well

CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY

Well I think it has happened
It is my darkest fear
Christmas is getting earlier
Each and every year

When I was at the mall today
I heard Bing Crosby croon
“White Christmas”
And it’s still only June

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

This is the happy season
Of peace and goodwill
And joy to the world
Let good rule over ill
Merry Christmas world
From here to Brazil
Joy to the entire world
For peace is Gods will

CHRISTMAS OVER INDULGENCE

There isn’t any doubt or question
What caused this awful indigestion
It wasn’t the five course lunch
Or all the sweets we had to munch
It wasn’t the Lager the Stout or the Shandy
It wasn’t the Wine the Scotch or the Brandy
No the culprit with out any doubts
Was the obligatory spoonful of sprouts

BY CAR, BY PLANE, BY TRAIN

They make the journey each year
By car, by plane, by train,
Travelling across the miles
To spend Christmas at home again

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS

I can’t wait until Christmas
I just want to let you know
You have all my love
This Christmas tied up with a bow

BLESSED IS THE HOLY SEASON

Blessed is the holy season
Jesus Christ is the reason
Let the garlands be unfurled
For a gift of love unto the world

WHEN THE GIFTS HAVE ALL BEEN OPENED

When the gifts have all been opened
And the season starts to wane
When December days have passed by
And a New Year starts again
Let’s pack away the decorations
But let the love and peace remain

THE CROWDS ARE BUSTLING

The crowds are bustling
On the busy Christmas streets
The throng is blustering
In search of Christmas treats
Tills are ringing out their Christmas song
In the markets and the shopping mall
Everyone gets a piece of the action
Street traders, vendors, buskers and all

MARIE CHRISTMAS

Marie Christmas
Loved the season
And she loved it
For a special reason

For it was the time
She would see her beau
As he flew his sleigh
Going ho ho ho

A Christmas Selection Box # 6

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS # 2

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know
But to be honest I drink so much
I won’t even notice if it snows

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE ONE I LOVE # 2

Though my love for Christ is boundless
On Christmas day I cannot be untrue
For my love for you is over flowing
And he must share my heart with you

ON THE EVE OF THE SPECIAL DAY # 2

On the eve of the special day
As the fire burns in the grate
I long for eternal goodwill
And an end to eternal hate

LITTLE CHILD, LONELY CHILD

Little child,
Lonely child,
Face pressed
Against the glass
Breath blooming,
On the window pain
What do you seek?
Outside in the cold
In that bleak winter scene
Do you listen for sleigh bells?
Out in the snow
Is it the man in red?
You wait alone for
Why do you listen?
So intently at the silence
What was that sound?
Out in the cold
Not sleigh bells
No a car door
Now a figure appears
Who is it?
Not the man in red
Little child,
Lonely child,
Is excited now,
Rushes to the door
Its daddy, its daddy
Home at last

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED - SAFELY

While shepherds watched their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
An inspector from the HSE came down
And he quickly wore a frown

BLESSED DAY

It was the day when Jesus Christ was born
That long, long ago first Christmas Morn,
The child whose coming had been foretold
A child more precious than diamonds or gold
God’s great gift to us on that blessed day
That most glorious first Christmas day

THINKING ABOUT CHRISTMAS

I’m sitting here in dread
Memories of you filling my head
Sitting here so totally alone
Afraid of Christmas on my own
It was always you and me
Doing Christmas so merrily
Then you had to go and die
Leaving me with no goodbye
Losing you was such a blow
I know you didn’t choose to go
But I’m the one that’s left
I’m the one lonely and bereft
And for that simple reason
I close the curtains on the season
I will make my Christmas solitary
And not have to try to be merry
And I will avoid the usual jollity
All our friends and their frivolity

CHRISTMAS CANDLES
(Sung to the tune of Sixteen Candles)

Christmas Candles, make a lovely light
But not as bright as the light of Christ
(as the light of Christ) (Oh)
Light up the candles, for all the world to view
For every candle says, Happy Christmas to you
(Happy Christmas to you)

CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

She likes surprises
And at Christmas even more
So I do what I can
To give her surprises galore

Each year it gets harder
But I do what I can
This year I will tell her
I haven’t always been a man

THE SALVATION ARMY BELLS

The sound of Christmas really tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army bells
Calling out into the dark
Calling out to the heart
Ringing out in the throng
Singing out a heralding song
Give a little, not a lot
Give a little for their lot
They have little, but are not less
Give your coins and let them bless
A tale of generosity tells
In the ring of the Salvation Army’s bells

CHRISTMAS ARRIVAL

So what should we name you?
On such an auspicious day
It must be a fitting name
And chosen in a respectful way

We couldn’t name you Jesus
That just wouldn’t fit
You couldn’t go thru life
Named Jesus Schmitt
And anyway you’re a girl
So we named you Kit

CHRISTMAS CARD SELECTION

I bought a bumper selection
Of Christmas cards today
One hundred assorted cards
A real bargain I would say

But not a shepherd or angel
Nor a stable, a star or a king
Not a holy word of praise
No Jesus, no God not a thing

I told my wife of my disgust
She said not to make a fuss
But they had managed to take
Christ out of Christmas

A Christmas Selection Box # 5

ON THE EVE OF THE SPECIAL DAY # 1

On the eve of the special day
As I sit beside the fire
Peace upon the earth
Is my one abiding desire

I’M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS # 1

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know”
But if I should run out of the white
I will gladly drink the red though

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO THE ONE I LOVE # 1

Merry Christmas sweetheart, the one I love,
On this day when love is keenest felt,
The day when closed minds are opened
And even the coldest hearts can melt

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
Beer and liqueur
CD and voucher
Following yonder star

DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW

Dashing through the snow
On a one horse open sleigh,
Over fields we go
Laughing all the way
Then the reins do snap,
We weren’t expecting that
Now we laugh no more
As we hit a tree so fat

Oh ambulance bells, ambulance bells
Sirens all the way
They dragged us from the wreck
Of a one horse open sleigh
Oh ambulance bells, ambulance bells
Sirens all the way
Oh, what fun it’s NOT to ride
In a one horse open sleigh

FORCED ENTRY

I came home today to a horrible sight
All the doors and windows were smashed in
And inside, everything was gone
They had taken absolutely everything
I felt so violated so degraded
How could something like this occur?
What sort of sick person does that?
To someone's Advent calendar

ALPHABET OF CHRISTMAS

A is for
Advent, the count down to Christmas
B is for the
Bells that ring out in celebration
C is for the
Candle that spreads his light
D is for the
Decorations that dress our homes
E is for the
Extra spring in our collective step
F is for
Felicitations and festivities
G is for the
Gift that God gave too us
H is for the
Happiness of the Christmas season
I is for the
Illumination of the world
J is for
Jesus born into that world
K is for the
King, humbly born in a stable
L is for the
Love of Jesus Christ
M is for the
Magi who followed the star
N is for the
Nativity in Bethlehem
O is for
Old acquaintances re-met
P is for the
Presents beneath the tree
Q is for
Quintessence of the Christmas spirit
R is for the
Rejoicing in Christ’s name
S is for the
Star that adorned the Christmas sky
T is for the
Tinsel that adorns the trees
U is for the
Universal love of Christ
V is for the
Victorious celebration of his birth
W is for the
Wise men from the east
X is for
Xmas, the best time of the year
Y is for the
Yuletide season and its joys
Z is for the
Zest of enthusiastic enjoyment

CHRISTMAS GOOD WILL

I look from my window
Upon a street of cheer
And as I look upon the scene
As Christmas day draws near
I pray that this good will
Could last throughout the year

CHRISTMAS SUPERSTITION

Is Christmas day on Friday this year?
I think that it is, that’s what I hear
I’m one of those superstitious men
So let's hope it's not the 13th then

SNOW BLIND

Since the snow began to fall
My wife has done nothing at all
But stare blankly through the window
As the snow lays snow on snow
If it continues in this way
We shall have a white Christmas day
But my wife stares through the glass
As the snow falls thick and fast
Sadly if it gets any worse out side
I'll have to let her come inside

NEW BABY AT CHRISTMAS

Oh how our hearts melted
When you were born
A gift to us from God
Given on Christmas morn

CHRISTMAS INDULGENCE

We spend the day
Eating more than we should
Turkey and trimmings
And rich Christmas pud
Mince pies and cream
Great petite fours
Pretzels and nuts
Wines and liqueurs
Cookies and marzipan
Chocolate Yule log
Rich Christmas cake
And creamy eggnog
Chocolate Orange
Chocolate Brazils
Hot Bombay mix
Twiglets and Pringles
Sweet candied fruits
Sugar coated almonds
Cold turkey sandwich,
Till I’m suitably rotund

A Christmas Selection Box # 4

MY FAVOURITE THINGS AT XMAS # 4

The reindeer that fly like the birds on the wing
Santa Claus commanding with his gifts to bring
Joy bringing Carollers with songs to sing
These are a few of my favourite things

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 191

Christmas is coming,
The stores are getting fat
But no one has put a penny
In this old mans hat;
There’s not a single penny,
Or a ha'penny to be seen,
I hate Christmas shoppers
They’re so bloody mean

CHRISTMAS DREAM # 4

I dream of Christmas
Warming us from winters chill
When hearts are overflowing
With seasonal good will

A CAROL FOR THE 21ST CENTURY – RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.
(Now I don’t want you to think it was because he was a freak
The simple truth is Rudolph was a really anti social little bastard)

IF DECEMBER ICE

If December ice will bear a duck
Thereafter will be slush and muck
But grab the duck off the ice
And Christmas lunch be very nice

CANDLELIGHT

Across the distant lonely miles
There stands my love
With comrades brave
Who stands beneath a Christmas sky
Singing carols just as I
Familiar carols
And sentiments we share.
Of course it’s Christmas,
That makes me wish you near
And makes me wipe away a tear
I pray to God to keep you safe
To wrap you in his loving light
Now the bells of Christmas fill the air
And I think of my love standing there
Underneath the Christmas sky.
In the church I keep a candle lit
That will burn while we’re apart
And my undying love for him
Will keep burning in my heart

GIRL POWER

All of the reindeer
Pulling Santa’s sleigh
Are adorned with antlers
As they make their way

Well, only female reindeer
On the Christmas flight
Still retain their antlers
By Christmas night

So the whole team are girls
Is that really shocking?
An all female team?
Carrying gifts for every stocking

Who else could be trusted?
To circumnavigate the globe
In only one night
Not the guy in the red robe

But the overweight old man
With no dress sense
Who is too lazy to shave
Gets thanked for the presents

And do we get any recognition
For delivering the toys
No we don’t get a mention
And everyone thinks that we are boys

CHRISTMAS RECIPE

Why can we not bottle its essence?
The Christmas recipe,
That heady concoction
That special combination
Light of heart,
Quick of step
A song on the lips
A symphony in the heart
Externally warmed by the fireside
Internally warmed by mulled wine
Generosity of spirit
Jollity and laughter
Its crisp cold winter days
And frosty starry nights
Evergreens and mistletoe
The smells of a Christmas kitchen
Infused with cinnamon and ginger
It’s over indulgence
It’s thinking of others
Absent friends
Far away loved ones
It’s sharing and caring
It’s loving thy neighbour
Its compassion
Its children laughing
Its mothers sighing
It’s the Christmas recipe
Why can we not bottle its essence
So that at times when are souls are troubled
Or our hearts are heavy
At moments when the darkness has descended
We could unscrew the cap
And breathe deeply of its heady brew
And be once more refreshed

CHRISTMAS GIFTS – HIS AND HERS

I got a book for Christmas
“101 sexual positions”
I got it from my brother
My wife also received a book
“102 handy excuses”
A present from her mother

CHRISTMAS ESSENCE

You are my Christmas essence
My yuletide effervescence
You breathe life into me
Oh how you appeal to me
Dressed in your Christmas tights
And the Santa sweater that fits just right
Oh you naughty little Christmas flirt
Wearing your short red Christmas skirt
You are the spirit of my season
You are the rhyme and the reason
But as you spread your Christmas joy
Pleasing every girl and boy
There is something you don’t know
I feel stirrings down below
Because when your sleigh bells jingle
It makes all my senses tingle
Because you so excite me
How I want you to delight me
You are my Christmas dish
You are my every Christmas wish
Every year I make this plea
To let me unwrap you beneath the tree
But again you are not among my presents
But you will remain my Christmas essence

CHRISTMAS WISHES JUST FOR YOU

Christmas wishes just for you
Sent with love, tried and true
I send you love, I send you cheer,
I just wish we weren’t apart this year
COLD CHRISTMAS

I can’t believe you did it
How typically bold
Dumping me at Christmas
How awfully cold

Still on the bright side
I won’t have to strain and heave
Rushing to find a gift
For you on Christmas Eve

I won’t spend the season
Living like a monk
I’ll be very merry
If not drunk as a skunk

But I can’t believe you did it
It’s a really shitty thing to do
Dumping me at Christmas
How typical of you

It’s probably for the best
So I won’t shed a tear
Have a merry Christmas
And a really shit New Year