A Humourous Selection # 1

A SOLEMN UNDERTAKING

When drivers choose to undertake
A risky manoeuvre is undertaken
But what they risk undertaking
Is an appointment with an undertaker

IF PASTA AND ANTI PASTA

If pasta and anti pasta
Came together
On one platter
Would it lead to disaster?


SHAMPOO MODUS

Bimbette was in the bathroom
And Clair shouted up to her
“You can use my shampoo
If you want to wash your hair”
And Bimbette shouted back
“Thanks but I can’t use it Clair,
It says it’s only for dry hair
And mine is wet to be fair”

BREAKFAST FOR MAISIE

This morning, mewing loudly
The cat greeted me
She clearly wanted her breakfast
So I gave her mewsly

GREEN BELT

Planning regulations only apply
It seems, to the ordinary people
The rank and file
Those without power or influence
Or the means to fill brown envelopes
Because to Politicians and developers
The only green they understand
Is cold hard cash
And they think that the green belt
Is just an inferior grade in Judo

FLY TRAP

When you’ve been to the loo
And you’ve done what you must do
You give a little tap, tap, tap
To shake the drips of the old chap
But as you try to zip him back in
You catch a little bit of skin
Which really hurts your old chap
When he’s caught in the penis fly trap

MATURE CONVERSATION

My wife of many years
Thinks that I’m immature
Why she has the opinion
I confess that I’m not really sure

She thinks we need to sit down
And talk the problem through
I think it’s a load of tosh
To be perfectly honest with you

But in the interest of peace I agreed
Though I don’t see the reason
But I told her I couldn’t do it
Until after the conker season

THE NIGHT BUS

After a night out at the pub
I drunk until I could drink no more
And in a disorderly way
I made my way out of the door
But being the worse for ware
I hadn’t walked very far
When I came to the conclusion
I was too drunk to drive the car
So I decided to take the bus
And I arrived safely at my door
Which was truly amazing
As I’d never driven a bus before

END OF THE LINE

My mate was so depressed
In fact he was suicidal
But he wasn’t dynamic
In fact he was bloody idle

So I took care of him
As a true friend never quits
I pushed him under a train
He was chuffed to bits

WHEN STEVE JOINED BOB AND JOHNNY

Steve Jobs has gone to glory,
He’s joined Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
Now the familiar story is
No Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.