EVER SO HUMBLE
When toward my bed I stumble
My wife greets me with a grumble
“Hello my little apple crumble”
I say as in her nightgown I fumble
My advances are met with a mumble
“Dearest, my desire is quite humble
A little bit of rough and tumble”
Her reply is yet another mumble
But we did have a Christmas fumble
SANTA AND HIS LITTLE ELF
Santa and his little Elf
Have been dismissed
For activities undertaken
When they were pissed
That got both of them
Put on the naughty list
CHRISTMAS SWEATER
My sister in law
Fills a sweater well
I think she’s rather hot
The truth to tell
For Christmas
I bought for her
A button fronted
Lambs wool sweater
I want to see her in it
I just can’t wait
She has a figure
To really fascinate
It has ten buttons
It’ll be a tight fit
Very figure hugging
That’s how I like it
She has breasts
Quite first rate
She has curves
That really titillate
She has a figure
To really fascinate
Of the ten buttons
She’ll only fasten eight
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS KNICKS?
Are you wearing Christmas knicks?
Proper novelty underwear
All festively decked down below
In a suitably seasonal pair
It doesn’t matter the decor
It will make an old man stare
Just you in your Christmas knickers
What wonderful Christmas fare
MERRY CHRISTMAS HO HO HO
Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho
Is Santa’s motto
And Santa thought that
He’d won the lotto
When he scored big
With three girls so hot-o
They were doing things
In Santa’s grotto
That Santa’s and Elves
Should definitely not-o
But merry Christmas
Ho Ho Ho is his motto
SANTA AND ELFIE
Santa and Elfie
Were caught in the buff
At it in the grotto,
Santa and his bit of stuff
The store manager
Decided to get tough
And sacked them
Saying enough was enough
Now Santa’s not jolly
In fact he’s quite gruff
As Santa’s little helper
Is now up the duff
DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA
Against my better judgement
I took my young son to the store
And we queued up for an hour
So he could see Santa Claus
The grotto was cheap and nasty
It was a terrible site to behold
I thought the whole thing a rip off
And my son thought he was too old
Santa’s little helper was pregnant
The head Elf was high as a kite
But I thought if we stayed in line
Every thing would turn out alright
Well he climbed onto Santa’s lap
To tell him his Christmas wish
But Santa smelled of whisky
And his trousers smelled of piss
It was about making memories
Well, according to my wife
But instead of a memorable visit
I think we scarred him for life
NEW FOR CHRISTMAS
There is to be a new sanitary product
That is set to make cash registers ring
A new tampon in the shops by Christmas
That comes complete with a tinsel string
The retailers are extremely confident
And believe that sales will be myriad
But they have been at pains to stress
They are only meant for the festive period
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing Christmas stockings?
Beneath your long red coat
Are you suitably resplendent?
Will you really float my boat?
Are they risqué and shocking?
Will they easily get my vote?
It could mean a happy Christmas
For a certain horny old goat
DEAR SWEET CINDERELLA
Dear sweet Cinderella
Does no one love you at all?
Is that the real reason?
You’re not going to the ball
Or is there another reason
Are you just too sweet?
Just simply too demure
To be given such a treat
If your morals were looser
You would gain a reputation
And you would be asked
Without any hesitation
A stain on your character
Will show blacker than cinders
And you will go to the ball
And have a ball dear Sin-ders
BRANDISHING YOUR MISTLETOE
It’s Christmas Eve so off you go
Start brandishing your mistletoe
March off purposely through the snow
To find yourself a Christmas ho
ARE YOU WEARING CHRISTMAS GARTERS?
Are you wearing Christmas garters?
Answer me that one for starters
Beneath your dress up high
Around your black clad thigh
Where the black sheath is stopping
Where they are lacy at the topping
Are there festive garter rings
Sexily placed decorative things
Please answer this one for starters
Are you wearing Christmas garters?
IT’S THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS DO
It’s the office Christmas do
So let’s have a tipple or two
We can drink the Spanish sherry
We can drink until we’re merry
Then into an office we’ll stumble
And we’ll have a Christmas fumble
CHRISTMAS NEW BORN
You came into our lives
A fighter and a screamer
Born to us at Christmas
Just like our redeemer
And how we loved you
Right from the very start
But naming you was hard
What name should we impart?
Then like a light coming on
The answer rang like a bell
You were born at Christmas
So we would call you Noelle
IF ANYONE LOVED CHRISTMAS
If anyone loved Christmas
Then it would be Molly
She loved the mistletoe
She loved the holly
She loved drinking eggnog
She loved feeling jolly
And between me and you
Mr Jolly liked it too
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