Relationships # 1

I DON’T TRUST A MAN

“I don’t trust a man”
(Normally that says it all)
That goes for most of them
“But I don’t trust a man”
Who doesn't close his eyes
When I kiss him”

MAIL CALL

I spoke into the envelope
Saying “I really love you Gail”
Then I sealed the envelope
And posted my voice mail

ALPHABETICALLY DESCRIBED

After fifty years of married life
And after being prompted by his wife
A husband set out to describe her
And this was what he said of her

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F,
G, H, I, J, K, L." He said sweetly
“And what does that mean?”
She asked suspiciously

"Adorable, Beautiful,
Cuddly, Delightful,
Elegant, Fragrant,
Generous, Heaven-sent.”

"Oh, that's so lovely
What about I, J, K and L?"
"I'm Just Kidding Love!" He laughed
And she made his eye swell

THE FINAL RECKONING

As she sat by his bedside
As his life ebbed away
His eyes filled with tears
And she heard him quietly say

“All through the bad times
You’ve been with me
When I lost my job
You were there to support me
When the business went under
You stood by me
When we lost the house
You stood beside me
When my health started failing
You were still beside me

“Do you know something love?”
“What darling?” she said thru the tears
“I've come to the conclusion
You’re a Jonah dear”

WOULD YOU MARRY AGAIN?

A wife asked her husband
“Would you marry again? If I died?"
"No, I would definitely not"
The husband lied

Good I wouldn’t want you
To get another spouse
Or have another woman
Living in my house

Or using my golf clubs
At the club on ladies day
“Well” he said “don’t worry
She’s left-handed anyway."

I WAS EXPLAINING REINCARNATION

I was explaining reincarnation to my wife
And how you return as a different form of life
She said she wanted to come back as a cow
She obviously misunderstood some how

I DON’T DESERVE SOMEONE

I don’t deserve someone
Thoughtful, warm and caring
I don’t deserve someone
Loving and understanding
I don’t deserve someone
Affectionate and true
I don’t deserve any of that
Which is why I’m stuck with you

WHEN YOU DIE - WIFE

“When you die”
I told my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on granite
To survive the weather
“Here lies my wife
As cold as ever”

WHEN YOU DIE - HUSBAND

“When you die”
Said my wife,
“Extinguishing
All signs of life”

Writ on a plaque
Of shinning brass
“Here lies my husband
Stiff at last”

DOCTOR HUSBAND

The doctor and his wife
Were having a fight
At the breakfast table.
But before he took flight
From the tempestuous scene
These terrible words were said
In the heat of the moment
“And you’re no good in bed”
Later when he got home
She and another were in sexual union
“What are you doing?”
He yelled on the unhappy reunion
She replied calmly
“I was getting a second opinion!'