A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (6)

 

At a get together with Family

My widowed father told me

That he had found a new lady

“We’re off to Portuguese India”

“Oh really” I said, “Goa?”

“No” he said “she’s a bit demure”

I FEEL SUCH PRIDE

I feel such pride

As I watch my fledglings

Leave the nest

And learn to fly

There is grace in learning,

With crashes out of sight

Not submitting to scrutiny

In their stumbling indignity

But they persevere

On their plan of flight

Keep taking chances,

And making their advances

And make their own way

Slowly but surely they achieve

For real heroes

Needn’t soar like eagles

To have a purposeful life

And fulfil their dreams 

WHEN MY BROTHER WAS AT COLLEGE

 

When my brother was at college

He had an unusual nickname

Which was the “snow plough”

Because of his appetite for cocaine

MY GRANDMA TOLD ME HER JOINTS TROUBLE HER

 

My grandma told me her joints trouble her

And elaborated, saying they are getting weaker

I said I had a way to make her life brighter

If she was just to roll her spliffs a bit tighter

MY SISTER IS A SOPHISTICATE

 

My sister is a sophisticate

And has travelled far away

She’s been to a Taj Mahal

That isn’t an Indian takeaway

I ALWAYS FIGURED THAT MICHAEL’S FAMILY TREE

 

I always figured that Michael’s family tree

Must have been from the cactus family

Because I’ve met the relatives of Mick

And everyone on his family tree is a prick

I WANT TO DIE PEACEFULLY IN MY SLEEP

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep,

Like Dad, peacefully without a fuss

And not screaming and yelling

Like the passengers did on his bus

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT

 

Two wrongs don't make a right,

I tell my daughter and her brother

And if you need a good example

Just look at me and your mother

MY FATHER IN LAW IS FULL OF IT

 

My father in law is full of shit

And I say that without hesitation

He would disagree obviously

As he would call it constipation

A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (5)

 

I’m from a big Family

And my dad said to me

“Your brother is going to Italy

With his new lady”

I said, “Oh really, Genoa?”

“No, I haven’t met her”

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY EIGHT LOVERS

 

“Two hundred and eighty eight lovers”

Was not what I expected, not even close

But that was what my mum confessed

And to be honest that was just two gross

MY SON TOLD ME HE PLAYED IN A BAND

 

My son told me he played in a band

And I’m afraid I did have to mock

Because they are called the Pilgrims

So I asked if they played Plymouth Rock

MY GREAT UNCLE IS A SCIENTIST

 

My Great Uncle is a scientist

As well as a keen horticulturist

Which is quite evident to see

As he’s growing a chemistree

AN ELDERLY WOMAN DECIDED TO PREPARE HER WILL

 

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will

“I have two requests” she told her solicitor

“First, I want to be cremated, and second I want

My ashes scattered over all around Tombola

“Tombola?” the solicitor “Why a Bingo Hall?”

“Well, that way I'll be sure to see my daughter”

MY UNCLE IS A JOVIAL MAN

 

My uncle is a jovial man and at home

He is always full of good cheer

But at work he always looks forbidding

But then he is an auctioneer

MY FATHER TRADES ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE

 

My father trades on the stock exchange

He really enjoys the thrill

Last week he traded boxes of Oxo cubes

For multiple jars of Bovril

MY GRANDDADS NOT VERY TECH SAVVY

 

My granddads not very tech savvy

So, when he got a laptop I was amazed

But when I asked what windows version

He had, he replied “double glazed”

MY GRANDSON IS ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE

 

My grandson is always on his phone

It’s scrambled his brain I think

“What you need is a life” I said

He replied “Ok send me the link”

WE CALL MY AUNT BETH THE EXORCIST

 

We call my aunt Beth the exorcist

Its cruel but we can’t resist

It’s because whenever she gets near

All the spirits disappear

WHEN DID YOU LAST HAVE SEX

 

I asked “When did you last have sex?”

My uncle replied “1956”

“That long ago” I exclaimed “Wow”

And he said “it’s only 20.35 now