MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

 

My doctor said I’m borderline obese

But it didn’t bother me at all

Because at the end of the day

That makes me borderline Normal

KILLER PILL

 

I was given from the dispensary 

After my surgery

By a doctor so proficient

A tablet so efficient

That it dislocates your brain

So you really feel no pain

GERIATRIC DOCTOR

The Doctor on the geriatric ward

Placed his stethoscope

On the chest of an elderly patient

By the name of Mrs Hope

 

She was quite a bit deaf

So, he said “big breaths,” loudly

“Well Doctor they used to be,”

Mrs Hope replied proudly

MY DOCTOR SAYS

 

My doctor says

I have been in continent,

But I don't know

 

I can’t remember

But if the doctor is right

Then where did I go?

I HAVE SIX POINTS ON MY LICENCE

 

I have six points on my licence

I’ve been done for speeding before

but today I was cautioned to slow down

By my doctor and not by the law

DOCTORED ACCOUNT # 2

 

I had a phone call from the doctor

“Your cheque came back” I heard him shout

I gathered myself for a moment

Then replied, “So did my bloody gout”

DOCTOR PHOBIA

 

I went to see my GP. And I said

“I'm scared of lapels Doctor”

He said “ok just calm down

You've a touch of cholera”

DANIELLE ASKED RAY

 

Danielle asked Ray

“How was your check up today?

Was everything ok?”

Ray replied rather glum

“All was going fine, ho hum

Then he stuck his finger up my bum”

Danielle tried to reassure

“Well, that’s standard procedure

Yes of course I’m sure”

Ray said “if you insist

Then for now I will persist

And stay with the same Dentist”

DOCTOR UPBEAT

 

My Doctor said to me, “Jack

You’re a hypochondriac

You'll live to be 60" I said "I’m 62"

"You see I told you”

DOCTORED ACCOUNT

 

My Doctor gave me six months to live.

Because I was terribly ill

But then he gave me another six months

When I said I couldn’t pay his bill

VERY POOR RECEPTION

 

An elderly man entered the surgery

And approached the receptionist

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”

With a face that had never been kissed

And a manner to match she demanded

He tell her why he needed to go on the list

But he didn’t want to discuss it in reception

“You’ll have to tell me I really must insist”

Looking around at the other patients

'I’ve a problem with my dick', he replied

“You cannot say things like that

In the surgery” the receptionist chastised

“But you did ask me what was wrong

I must have misunderstood; sorry” he lied

“You should be a little more discreet

You have caused embarrassment I fear”

The Receptionist continued on

“You should say the problem is with your ear,

“You can be more frank with the doctor

But not cause any upset out here”

 

The man replied, “Why did you ask me

What was wrong, In front of everyone?

You shouldn't ask people questions

That could embarrass anyone”  
The man walked out, waited several minutes,

 And then returned to where he’d begun

“Good morning, can I see the doctor?”

He asked through dentures grit

The Receptionist smiled smugly

Enjoying the moment more than a bit

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he said

The Receptionist liked to see patients submit

“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

Then he loudly said “I can't piss out of it,”

DOCTOR PLEASE

 

“Doctor please help me?

I have a ringing in my ears"

He replied “if they ask for me

Tell them I’m not here”

DOCTOR SHARP

 

I went to see the doctor

With fluid on the knee

And do you know what he said?

“Take better aim when you pee”

TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS

 

I’ve just got back from Spain

Where I was taken queer

And not understanding a foreign quack

Was my biggest fear

 

Well, when we got to his gaff

 You’ll never guess what I saw

“English speaking Doctor”

 Written large upon the door

 

I thought what a good idea

A real turn up I would say

Then I got to wonder why

We don’t have them in the UK

DOCTOR FRANK

 

My doctor was very frank

When discussing my fitness

He said to me without humour

“What fits your busy schedule best?

Exercising for one hour each day, or

Being dead for twenty-four”

DOCTOR BLUNT

 

My doctor was very unfair

He said that the handle on my reclining chair

And my TV remote control device

Are not sufficient forms of exercise

EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1

 

You must have an exercise regime

My doctor advised me

But he said it is essential

To build it up very gradually

So, for the first week

I am watching sport on TV

DOCTOR MANNERS

 

Elsie went to see her doctor

Because of persistent back pain

The doctor was less than sympathetic

Having to examine her again

“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before

Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”

Elsie demanded a second opinion

He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”

MEDICAL PRACTICE

 

I refuse to go to the local doctors,

A medical practice part of the NHS

And I know beggars can’t be choosers

But they can practice on somebody else

BIRTH DEFECT

 

A woman gave birth to a baby

And knew instantly that it was not right

“What’s wrong?” She asked the doctor

He said “your child is a hermaphrodite”

 

The woman had no idea what that was

But knew from his demeanour, it wasn’t good

The doctor hesitated before speaking

“It means the baby has more organs than it should”

 

“The baby is equipped as a man and a woman”

The doctor had to further explain

Before the woman finally understood

“You mean the baby has a penis and a brain”?