DOCTOR FEELGOOD

My doctor advised me to

Take regular exercise

Eat more fruit

And get plenty of fresh air

So, I have taken his advice

I walk to the pub

I have a slice of lemon with my G&T

And I drink in the beer garden

THE ABSENT MINDED OCTOGENARIAN

 

An octogenarian visited his doctor

“I think I'm getting senile” he said

The doctor replied “I don’t think you are senile

Let’s look for a different diagnosis instead”

“But I keep forgetting to do up my fly”

The old man said “After I’ve been for a pee”

The doctor smiled and then replied

“Not opening your fly before you start, that’s senility”

IBS

 

“You have an irritable bowel”

My doctor told me today

It didn’t surprise me at all

It was inevitable in a way

Because I’m a very irritable man

Harsh but true I would say

So why should my bowel

Behave in any other way

PROFESSIONAL BLUNDERS

 

The medical profession can always

Bury their mistakes deeply

The legal profession can execute theirs

Finally, and completely

While journalism allow their errors

To be given centre stage

For all the world to see in black and white

Right on the front page

DOCTOR IN MOTION

 

“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea

And I think it’s hereditary”

“Nonsense man I can assure you

Diarrhoea is not hereditary,

And no matter how chronic it is

It’s not as bad as it seems”

“But doctor I know it’s hereditary

Because it’s in my jeans”

LITERARY DOCTORATE

 

“Oh doctor, doctor

You must help me

I have been afflicted

Most horribly

I keep quoting

William Topaz McGonagall”

The Doc replied

“We can’t help you at all”

“Oh, doctor why

Can’t you treat me for it”?

He replied

“Because this is the burns unit”

MIDLIFE

 

Midlife is when you have to go to the Doctor

And you realize you are now so degraded

Because you have reached a period of old age

Where you pay for a guy to look at you naked

TWITTER ADDICTION

 

“Please help me,

I’m addicted to Twitter!”

A man tells his doctor,

“What should I do?”

The doctor thought

About it for a moment

Before he replied,

“Sorry, I'm not following you”

AT THE DOCTORS SURGERY

 

I went to my old Doctor’s place

"I've hurt my arm in several places"

I told him wincing from the pain

He advised "well don't go there again"

POOR SAM

 

Sam went to the Doctors

With every ache and pain

And with every sniff and sniffle

He would go again and again

If he had a simple heat rash

He thought he had meningitis

If he had a bad case of wind

He thought he had appendicitis

The doctor tried him on placebos

Giving Sam pots of sugar pills

But despite the docs best efforts

Sam returned with non-existent ills

The doctor tried to be patient

But one day when Sam came back

The doctor gave him the bad news

“I must tell you you’re a hypochondriac”

Sam became all hot and bothered

And created a right old fuss

Then when he calmed down he asked

“What’s a hypochondriac? Is it serious?”

I WAS TOLD I NEEDED A BRAIN TRANSPLANT

 

I was told I needed a brain transplant,

But I didn’t want anything of that kind

But the Doctors kept going on at me

So eventually they changed my mind

HIT FOR SIX

 

A man went to see Doctor Crum

“I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum.”

“How's that?”

“Don't you start”

DROPPED

A man went to Doctor Grace’s

“Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.”

The Doctor thought for a moment

“Well, you can't say fairer than that then”

RAPPED

A man was sent to see a Psychiatrist

For an appointment he could not miss

When the Doctor saw the poor chap

He was dressed only in plastic shrink wrap

The Doctor said, with no ifs or buts

“Well, I can clearly see you're nuts”

DR PHIL

 

When Phillip went to the doctor’s surgery,

The doctor said to him in a cheery way

“I haven't seen you in a long time Phil”

Phillip replied “I know I've been ill”

DR GRACE

 

A man went to Doctor Grace’s

“I've hurt my arm in several places”

The man said clearly in pain

Doc Grace said “well don't go there again”

INTERNAL QUERY

 

Tell me ladies please tell me this

It’s a question that’s left me stressed 

Why does the gynaecologist

Leave the room while you get undressed?

MY DOCTOR SAID I’M BORDERLINE OBESE

 

My doctor said I’m borderline obese

But it didn’t bother me at all

Because at the end of the day

That makes me borderline Normal

GERIATRIC DOCTOR

The Doctor on the geriatric ward

Placed his stethoscope

On the chest of an elderly patient

By the name of Mrs Hope

She was quite a bit deaf

So, he said “big breaths,” loudly

“Well Doctor they used to be,”

Mrs Hope replied proudly

MY DOCTOR SAYS

 

My doctor says

I have been incontinent,

But I don't know

 

I can’t remember

But if the doctor is right

Then where did I go?