A Little Bit Of Humour # 141

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 11

I went into hospital for minor surgery
The staff did not fill me with confidence
As I was coming around I heard someone say
“Did anyone see where I left the instruments?”

ARE YOU WEARING CHIFFON?

Are you wearing chiffon?
So you’ve chosen style over substance
But you won’t hear me complain
As transparency tends to enhance

WE FOUND A BRILLIANT BUILDER

We found a brilliant builder
His workmanship is out of sight
The only snag is he’s Transylvanian
So he can only work at night

WHAT’S A BIDET?

While looking at a hotel website
His granddaughter asked “What’s a Bidet?”
The old soldier smiled wryly and retorted
“It’s a couple of days before D-Day”

DESICCATED SNACK POT

A new desiccated snack pot
Of dried dog and noodles
Are on sale in North Korea
They’re called Not Poodles

NEW BOND VILLAIN

There is a new Bond villain
Although the story is old
His name is Gold sphincter
And he has piles of gold

PAVLOV’S DOG AND SCHRODINGER’S CAT

I wanted a book about Pavlov’s Dog
And Schrodinger’s Cat
And I wanted it quite a lot
So I asked a librarian
And she said it rang a bell,
But she wasn’t sure if it was there or not

AU PAIR

The meaning of the term
Au pair, is a “Social equal”
So you will find your husband
Ran off with the social equal

ARE YOU WEARING A BLACK BODY STOCKING?

Are you wearing a black body stocking?
No I can assure you my tone is not mocking
And though the view may be thought shocking
It will certainly bring admirers flocking

True Nature # 10

IN THE FROST FILLED MEADOW

In the frost filled meadow
I watch the dawn’s first rays
Beginning to melt the frost
In the majesty of winter days

NOCTURNAL

Nocturnal creatures scurry
And bats take flight
As the owl stands sentinel
Over a woodland night

IN THE DEWY AUTUMN MEADOW

In the dewy autumn meadow
I watch the dawn’s first rays
Beginning to evaporate the mist
In the majesty of Autumn days

FLAMES OF THE FOREST

Leaves like tongues of fire
Set the scene ablaze
Kenya’s Flame trees
Burning bright in paradise

True Nature # 9

THE FIERCE SPRING GALES

The fierce spring gales
Howl all through the night
Whipping up the seas
And turning wave tops white
The poor souls at sea
On the dark spring night
In the teeth of the tempest
Feel it’s savage bite
And pray to their gods
To save them from their plight
As the gale blows through
On the dark spring night

IN THE DEWY SPRING MEADOW

In the dewy spring meadow
I watch the dawn’s first rays
Beginning to evaporate the mist
In the majesty of the spring days

BENEATH THE GREY SKIES

Beneath the grey skies
In the crisp morning air
An over confident fox
Chases after a march Hare

IN A COUNTRY LANE

In a country lane
Where the noise of a highway
Is thought too fanciful
A wagon carries bales of hay
As the farmer heads home
At the end of the day

BE MY VALENTINE

BE MY VALENTINE # 1

On Valentines Day
The valentine card said to the stamp
Stick with me and we'll go places!
While the farmer gave his wife
Hogs and kisses!
And the caveman gave his wife
Ughs and kisses!

BE MY VALENTINE # 2

On Valentines Day
The chocolate syrup said to the ice cream
"I'm sweet on you!"
While the pencil said to the paper
"I dot my i's on you!"
And the light bulb asked his girlfriend
Do I mean a whole watt to you?"

BE MY VALENTINE # 3

On Valentines Day
The bat said to his girlfriend
"You're fun to hang around with."
And the paper clip said to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."

BE MY VALENTINE # 4

On Valentines Day
The nearsighted porcupine
Fell in love with a pin cushion!
And the elephant said to his girlfriend
"I love you a ton!"

BE MY VALENTINE # 5

On Valentines Day
One pickle said to the other
"Your love means a great dill"
Even skunks celebrate Valentine's Day
Because they're very scent-imental!

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES YET AGAIN

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 17

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,What makes you arrive so late
It’s no good arriving at 10 o'clock
You’re Headmaster for goodness sake

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 18

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Growing in the middle of her chest
With the sunlight on her
It looked like a comma
That punctuated her pert little breasts

(Little girl in this case refers to stature and not age, so stop composing a complaint already)

(Not really a nursery rhyme I know
So sorry to the fans of Longfellow)

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19

A diller, a dollar, a 10 o'clock scholar,

What makes you come so soon?
Just think about cricket the next time

That we get down to it in my room

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 20

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?

Are you a star twinkling bright?
Or just another bloody satellite

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 21

Tom, Tom the pipers son

Stole a pig and away he ran,

The pig was ate and it tasted great

And so said everyone on Tom’s estate

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 22

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are?

Are you the star I saw before?
Or an earth destroying meteor

Tales of Love # 21

LOVE ARRIVED LIKE A TEMPEST

Love arrived like a tempest
Sweeping him off his feet
Leaving him breathless
And trembling in its wake
But although the storm
Was a wind of change
Which altered him forever
It was not a breath of fresh air
Her love was toxic
She controlled like a terror
And even loves betrayal
Could not break the spell
YOUR HEART IS AN OASIS

Your heart is an oasis,
A place of love,
Where Venus resides,
But she resides alone
As you will not let me in

I REMEMBER FALLING IN LOVE

I remember falling in love
When there was beauty in the world
A love shared by me and you
Which we thought would last
As long as the world kept turning
But we were in error
Because the love has gone
And in our hearts
There is an empty hollow
Pining for what was lost
While in the shadows
Lay our discarded dreams
Lost and lingering
In the gloom
Where the sun light’s ray
Cannot penetrate
And our love cannot be revived

THE HONEY BEE AND THE ROSE

The honey Bee
Loves the flower
In particular the Rose
But the flower is indifferent
As it views the Bee
Through sweet petal veil
But the Bee is content and
Doesn’t need his love returned
For Rose is his passion
And will always be

A Mixed Bag Of Verse # 3

PARALYMPIANS

They should not be seen as disabled
When they compete
A Paralympian should be viewed
Simply as an Athlete

IF YOU’VE LEARNED NOTHING IN LIFE

If you’ve learned nothing in life
Take this piece of advice from me
Remember this if nothing else,
Your character is your destiny

DISABILITY SPORT

They may well be considered
In life to have a Vulnerability
But where sport is concerned
They have no such disability

So calling it “Disability Sport”
Couldn’t be more misleading
When the limits they are given
They are constantly exceeding

Don’t look at them as disabled
But as sportsmen and women
Because in the arena of sport its
As athletes you should define them

THE FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS

Candlemas Day,
The festival of lights
40 days after Epiphany
Is celebrated to mark
The Presentation of Christ
In The Temple,

OLYMPIANS V PARALYMPIANS

The Olympics is the pinnacle
For any man and woman
But I believe that an Olympian
Is actually merely Human
Whereas a Paralympian
Is quite obviously Super Human

SAINT DAVID

Saint David was born in the 5th century
A scion of the royal house of Ceredigion,
And founded a Celtic Monastic order,
At Glyn Rhosyn, the Vale of Roses,
Which became an important Christian shrine
Where St David's Cathedral stands today