A Little Bit Of Humour # 78

DIETING TIP # 6

Foods and drinks used
For their medicinal qualities
Such as hot chocolate or brandy
Have no calorie’s

ON ST PATRICK’S DAY

On St Patrick’s Day
You know an Irish rover
Has had enough to drink
When they’re Dublin over

OUR TEAM CAPTAIN TOOK TO THE FIELD

Our team captain took to the field
Carrying a piece of rope and the ball
Unconventional you might think
But he is the skipper after all

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HEDGEHOGS

I have a problem with Hedgehogs
I know it’s a strange thing to allege
I just find it hard to understand
Why they can’t just share the hedge?

I USED TO START AN AWFUL LOT OF FIGHTS

I used to start an awful lot of fights
When I was at school, I was a bully
But I had attention deficit disorder
So I didn’t finish them thankfully

WAS ANDREW MITCHELL RIGHT?

Was Andrew Mitchell right?
Are policemen a bit plebby,
According to a survey
It would appear they enjoy Typhoo tea,
Because of the adverts
Most of them live in new-build semis
Furnished by DFS or IKEA
They watch The One Show
And think it’s the news
Their diet consists of Pot Noodles
Cook in sauces or instant mash
They shop from the catalogues
Their favourite comedian is Jim Davidson
Entertainment is a 60-inch telly
Mr Policeman drinks Heineken
While his partner favours Lambrini
And Despite the Andrew Mitchell libel case
They will still vote Conservative
Because they think Mitchel’s a Tory
And they don’t realise it’s the same thing

MY WIFE AND I ARE FORTUNE TELLERS

My wife and I are fortune tellers
We met at our local dance hall
It was a night to remember and
We fell in love at the crystal ball

IN WHAT STATE OF DRESS

In what State of dress
Was she? please tell me
What did Delaware?
Was it her New Jersey?

TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS EMBLEM

Tottenham Hotspurs emblem
Is a cockerel that the fans don
And as the emblem is a bird
The supporters egg them on

ALL THE RABBITS IN THE FIELD

All the Rabbits in the field
Backed away from Farmer Kline
This strange phenomenon
Is known as a receding hareline

YOU CAN DRINK GREEN BEER

You can drink green beer
On any St Patricks Day
It counts as a vegetable
And one of your five a day

THERE REALLY IS NO TRICK TO IT

There really is no trick to it
The easiest way with no catch
To light up a football stadium
Is with a football match

MANCHESTER UNITED’S UNDERGROUND HEATING

Manchester United’s underground
Heating hasn’t been restored
So they’re planning to rename
The stadium Cold Trafford

BOFFINS ARE NOT THE SPORTY TYPE

Boffins are not the sporty type
But even a physicist called Bryan
Knows that he must exercise
Which he does by pumping ion

AS A MULTI SPORTS CLUB GRASSHOPPER

As a multi sports club Grasshopper
Club Zürich are just the ticket
They play a large number of sports
Though funnily enough Not Cricket

A Little Bit Of Humour # 77

DIETING TIP # 5

If you drink a diet coke
With a chocolate bar
They cancel each other
Out, so there you are
No calories count
For the chocolate bar

THE FOOTBALL ISN’T UP TO MUCH

The football isn’t up to much
We are all sensing doom
At half time the directors
Go off to the bored room

CINDERELLA’S TEAM IS BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE # 2

Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
Though it’s no surprise at all
When the princess in waiting
Keeps running away from the ball

I GOT VERY DRUNK ON ST PATRICKS DAY

I got very drunk on St Patricks Day
So I took a bus home to save any fuss
This may not be a big deal to most
But I had never before driven a bus

YOU TOLD ME YOU’D SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE

“You told me you’d spend your whole life
Trying to make me proud to be your wife”
She said to him “So what went wrong?”
He replied “I didn’t know you’d live so long”

I FIND SURVEYS QUITE SURPRISING

I find surveys quite surprising
This result even surprised my cousin
Twelve out of thirteen people
Have never heard of a baker’s dozen

MY BROTHER HAS A WANDERING EYE

My brother has a wandering eye
He’s been that way since birth
Not surprisingly I suppose
He now lives in Letchworth

I WAS VITAL AND VIGOROUS

When I was young
I was vital and vigorous
But I was a stickler for rules
Strict and rigorous
But life passes in a flash
Life’s moments are the shortest
Because you go from
Rigorous to rigamortis

SHE THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE

When I married my wife
She thought I was the one
Now she thinks, on a scale
Of one to ten, I am a one

MY OPTICIAN HAS A GIFT FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS

My optician has a gift for stating the obvious
Either that or he’s not very bright
After the eye test he declared forthrightly
“Mr Hooper your left eye isn’t right”

THE EYE TEST WENT ON FOR AN AGE

The eye test went on for an age
In fact it was something of an ordeal
“Your right eye isn’t right” he said
Well I can tell you that was surreal

BACK TO BACK DVD’S

My wife and I really enjoy
Watching DVD’s back to back
But only one of us can see
The screen which is a drawback

I WAS RAISED AS AN ONLY CHILD

I was raised as an only child
By my father and mother
Which really pissed off
My sister and my brother

SOME YOUNGSTERS ARE BREAKING INTO CARS

Some youngsters are breaking into cars,
They are proper little devils,
They do it in multi-story car parks
And that’s wrong on so many levels

BACK FROM PORT OF SPAIN

I have just come back from
Trinidad’s Port of Spain
It was a once in a lifetime trip
I can only say, never again

A Little Bit Of Humour # 76

DIETING TIP # 4

When you eat with someone else
Anything consumed off their plate
Is calorie free, because they will
Cling to the other person’s plate

CANDY CRUSH

He is a bit of a technophobe
If I have to tell the truth
So he thinks Candy Crush
Is a stripper from his youth

ONE OF MY TEACHERS IS A RUNNER

One of my teachers is a runner
He does it fanatically
But I don’t have him for PE
I have him for Jog-raphy

FOGHORN LEGHORN

Foghorn Leghorn
Was sent off the field today
The referee claimed
It was for persistent fowl play

NO! YOU DON'T IRON FOUR LEAF CLOVERS

No! You don't iron four leaf clovers
That something you must never do
Because let’s be honest you don’t
Want to go pressing your luck do you

I’M SORRY I CAN'T BE YOUR VALENTINE

I’m sorry I can't be your valentine
I’m dumping you double quick
It’s on medical grounds in truth
Because you just make me sick

SHE WAS MARRIED TO HIM

She was married to him
For three years, just over
And didn't know he drank
Until he came home sober

HAPPINESS TRANSACTION

Money can't buy you happiness
Isn’t that supposed to be the deal?
Well I beg to differ, because
I bought myself a Happy Meal

A CHEESY TALE

My love life is like
A wheel of Swiss cheese I think
It’s full of holes
And the remainder tends to stink

A PHYSICAL JERK

I never take any form
Of physical exercise
I don’t want to be fit
If I see a jogger with
A smile on their face
Then I might try it

AN AFFAIR OF THE HEART

An affair of the heart
And at my age too
Well yes I know it’s
A bypass that’s true

AS THEY STOOD BEFORE THE ALTAR

As they stood before the altar
At the proudest moment of their life
The Reverend said “I now pronounce
You Husband and Wife”
“You may now update your Facebook status”

A MAN AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE

A man at the press conference,
Stood up at the podium,
Not one of the lycra clad blokes,
And declared he was spokesman
Asked to clarify he said
“I’m the man in charge of spokes”

MY GRANDDADS GREATEST PLEASURE

My granddads greatest pleasure
Was his allotment
So in his will he instructed
His son Peter
To sprinkle his ashes
Over the beloved plot
Lightly forking them in
At one ounce per square metre

MY NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR,

My new next door neighbour,
It turns out, is a really pretentious twat
He has travelled quite a lot
So his house is named Bindair Dundat.

A Little Bit Of Humour # 75

DIETING TIP # 3

I don’t know all the science involved
It’s something to do with gravity
But anything you consume while you
Are standing up contains no calories

IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 2

It’s a sure sign you have lost
Your sex appeal for certain
When your gynaecologist
Won’t examine you in person

ARE YOU ADDICTED TO PLASTIC SURGERY?

Are you addicted to plastic surgery?
Or just had more than your fair share
Well it’s a sure sign when your surgeon
Is an employee of Tupperware

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 335

Old Mother Goose,
When she wanted to wander,
Hitched up her dress
And let the men have a gander.

MY CROSS EYES TEACHER WAS SACKED

My cross eyed teacher was sacked
The governors have no scruples
They said it wasn’t her disability
But that she couldn't control her pupils

AT THIS YEAR’S INSECT SUPER BOWL

At this year’s insect Super Bowl
The quarterback played dismally
Rimsky-Korsakov dropped the ball
It was the plight of the fumble Bee


FOGHORN LEGHORN THE COCKEREL

Foghorn Leghorn the Cockerel
Is happy to be the farmyard hick
Not through a lack of ambition
But he’s never short of a hot chick

BIMBETTE ENTERED A SWIMMING COMPETITION

Bimbette entered a swimming competition
In the breast stroke much to her alarm
She came last and claimed she was cheated
As the other swimmers used their arms


THE REASON WE KNOW THE INDIANS

The reason we know the Indians
Were truly the first nations
On the North America continent
Was because they had reservations

TELL ME PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW

Tell me please I want to know
Remember I asked you once before
Tell me what did Tennessee?
Was it the same thing Arkansas?

HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES

Half of all marriages
Will end in divorce
Which just leaves the
Unhappy ones of course

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE CLAPPED OUT

You know when you are clapped out
And not vital any more
When the doc tells you
To slow down instead of the law

ARE SAFARI PARKS DISCRIMINATORY?

Are Safari parks discriminatory?
Yes they most certainly are
Because they make no attempt
To accommodate those without a car

THE TEMPERATURE OF SEX

An old man was at the doctors
“I have a question you may think silly
Well after my wife and I have sex,
I'm usually cold and chilly
But then, after the second time
I'm usually hot and sweaty"
The doc replied “Well that is strange
Let’s discuss it with Betty”
The doctor repeated the tale
And she replied with disgust
"The first time is in January
And the second is in August"

APPARENTLY OWNING A DOG

Apparently owning a dog
Can take ten years of you
I now have four of them
But I still look sixty two

A Little Bit Of Humour # 74

DIETING TIP # 2

When you eat with someone else
Calories don't count for you
Just as long as you don’t eat
Any more food than they do

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 334

Old Father Goose,
Had hands that would wander
But when he couldn’t goose
He had to settle for a gander

ARE YOU WEARING SPANX AGAIN?

Are you wearing spanx again?
But they cause you so much pain
When they’re on you look smart
But they restrict your ability to fart

HOMELESS SNOWMAN

He was dressed in rags
And made from snow
A poor homeless snowman
A sad lonely snowbo

THE REASON THEY PIPE IN THE HAGGIS

The reason they pipe in the haggis
Without any fluster or hurry
Is to warn the discerning diner
So they can go and get a curry
REVEREND FOGHORN LEGHORN

Reverend Foghorn Leghorn
Has done his reputation damage
When he was ejected from church
For using fowl language

THE CHILDREN LIKE TO SING

The children like to sing
In the family broom, broom
Anything and everything
The kids call them cartoons

MANY THINGS CAN BE PRESERVED

Many things can be preserved
In alcohol, the list nears infinity
But among that endless list
One of them is not your dignity

IF SCIENTIST’S WERE EVER TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS

If scientist’s were ever to achieve success
In a cross breeding in which they would exult
Between a rabbit’s foot and a four leaf clover
Until a rash of good luck would be the result

BIMBETTE AND THE CAR POOL

Bimbette got locked out of her car
In the pouring rain
She had forgotten her keys
So went back in the house again
When she got in the car
She started to frown
The seats were soaked
Because the roof had been down

I WAS BEATEN UP BY A HULA HOOP

I was beaten up by a hula hoop
A round, bad-tempered fink
It was a totally unprovoked attack
It was a “vicious circle” I think

IF BOTANIST’S WERE TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS

If botanist’s were to achieve success
A cross germination in which to exult
Between poison ivy and a four leaf clover
A rash of good luck would be the result

LET ME FULFIL ALL YOUR WISHES

Let me fulfil all your wishes
To shower you with kisses
But please don’t tell the Mrs

MIDDLE-AGED CONTRACEPTION

I have found that at my age
The best form of contraception
That works for me anyway
Is to leave the bedroom light on

BIRTHDAY RITUAL

When I have a birthday
I take the day off
When my wife has one
She takes a year off

A Little Bit Of Humour # 73

CINDERELLA’S TEAM IS BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE # 1

Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
They’re even lower than the bumpkins
But it’s obvious why they struggle
Because the team coach is a pumpkin

A STRIKER AND A MAGICIAN

A striker and a magician
Clearly have in common
An almost instinctive ability
To do hat tricks effectively

THERE WAS A FOUR HOUR POWER CUT

There was a four hour power cut
While she was in the department store
And Bimbette then spent all four hours
Trapped halfway up the escalator

DOWN AT THE STABLES

Down at the stables
We have a dirty phone caller
Who we have nicknamed
The hoarse Whisperer

IF THE MOUNTAINS OF THE WORLD

If the mountains of the world
Were to be put to the test
The most intelligent one
Would be mount cleverest

MY UNCLE HAS WRITTEN AN EXPOSE

My Uncle has written an expose
It’s a real kiss and tell
About being a vet, it’s called
All creatures grunt and smell

DIETING TIP # 1

When you are alone
And you eat something
It has no calories, as long
As no one sees a thing

FOGHORN LEGHORN’S COOP

Have you ever wondered why?
A chicken coop has two doors?
Because it would obviously be
A chicken Sedan if it had four

IF YOU WERE TO TRAIN QUASIMODO

If you were to train Quasimodo
For an American footballer game
The result of training would be
The Halfback of Notre Dame

THE COLDEST COUNTRY ON EARTH

The coldest country on earth
Is not Lapland? Isn’t that silly
It’s a place that make you shiver
But nothing at all like Chile

THE SNOWMAN STOOD ON HIS LAWN

The snowman stood on his lawn
With a smile across his face
Because the snow blower was
Heading towards his place

HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL

Heralding its arrival
A lone piper suitably bedecked
Leads the procession
To the hosts table unchecked
It’s delivered to the supper
With such deferential respect
Then addressed and served
Not to eat it shows disrespect
Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler
Then I truly cannot recollect

IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 1

It’s a sure sign you have lost
Your sex appeal for certain
When the local peeping tom
Chooses to close your curtain

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 333

Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We'll all make meth

PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
We're all going away


ARE YOU WEARING A DOPEY LOOK?

Are you wearing a dopey look?
Come on tell me what’s to blame
No please don’t answer that
And I don’t want to know her name

New Year 2015

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 1

I was separated from my wife
Due to my serial infidelity
And found myself in bed again
With her best friend Felicity
It was on New Year’s Day
And Felicity asked me
“Did you make a resolution?
What was it? Go on tell me”
I replied “Not to be unfaithful
Ever again to my wife Pru”
As she climbed onto me she asked
“How’s that working out for you?”

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2

I made a New Year’s resolution
To stop having one night stands
Which would be easier to do
If second dates were in my plans

NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1

When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?

ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?

Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit

WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES

When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope

THE YEAR IS TURNING

The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution

FROM ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT

I want to kiss you
On December 31st
Before the clock strikes twelve
Until the last chime
Echoes in the night
Of January the first
So one year will come to an end
In the most amazing way
And the next will have
A beautiful beginning