DIETING TIP # 6
Foods and drinks used
For their medicinal qualities
Such as hot chocolate or brandy
Have no calorie’s
ON ST PATRICK’S DAY
On St Patrick’s Day
You know an Irish rover
Has had enough to drink
When they’re Dublin over
OUR TEAM CAPTAIN TOOK TO THE FIELD
Our team captain took to the field
Carrying a piece of rope and the ball
Unconventional you might think
But he is the skipper after all
I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HEDGEHOGS
I have a problem with Hedgehogs
I know it’s a strange thing to allege
I just find it hard to understand
Why they can’t just share the hedge?
I USED TO START AN AWFUL LOT OF FIGHTS
I used to start an awful lot of fights
When I was at school, I was a bully
But I had attention deficit disorder
So I didn’t finish them thankfully
WAS ANDREW MITCHELL RIGHT?
Was Andrew Mitchell right?
Are policemen a bit plebby,
According to a survey
It would appear they enjoy Typhoo tea,
Because of the adverts
Most of them live in new-build semis
Furnished by DFS or IKEA
They watch The One Show
And think it’s the news
Their diet consists of Pot Noodles
Cook in sauces or instant mash
They shop from the catalogues
Their favourite comedian is Jim Davidson
Entertainment is a 60-inch telly
Mr Policeman drinks Heineken
While his partner favours Lambrini
And Despite the Andrew Mitchell libel case
They will still vote Conservative
Because they think Mitchel’s a Tory
And they don’t realise it’s the same thing
MY WIFE AND I ARE FORTUNE TELLERS
My wife and I are fortune tellers
We met at our local dance hall
It was a night to remember and
We fell in love at the crystal ball
IN WHAT STATE OF DRESS
In what State of dress
Was she? please tell me
What did Delaware?
Was it her New Jersey?
TOTTENHAM HOTSPURS EMBLEM
Tottenham Hotspurs emblem
Is a cockerel that the fans don
And as the emblem is a bird
The supporters egg them on
ALL THE RABBITS IN THE FIELD
All the Rabbits in the field
Backed away from Farmer Kline
This strange phenomenon
Is known as a receding hareline
YOU CAN DRINK GREEN BEER
You can drink green beer
On any St Patricks Day
It counts as a vegetable
And one of your five a day
THERE REALLY IS NO TRICK TO IT
There really is no trick to it
The easiest way with no catch
To light up a football stadium
Is with a football match
MANCHESTER UNITED’S UNDERGROUND HEATING
Manchester United’s underground
Heating hasn’t been restored
So they’re planning to rename
The stadium Cold Trafford
BOFFINS ARE NOT THE SPORTY TYPE
Boffins are not the sporty type
But even a physicist called Bryan
Knows that he must exercise
Which he does by pumping ion
AS A MULTI SPORTS CLUB GRASSHOPPER
As a multi sports club Grasshopper
Club Zürich are just the ticket
They play a large number of sports
Though funnily enough Not Cricket
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