A Little Bit Of Humour # 76

DIETING TIP # 4

When you eat with someone else
Anything consumed off their plate
Is calorie free, because they will
Cling to the other person’s plate

CANDY CRUSH

He is a bit of a technophobe
If I have to tell the truth
So he thinks Candy Crush
Is a stripper from his youth

ONE OF MY TEACHERS IS A RUNNER

One of my teachers is a runner
He does it fanatically
But I don’t have him for PE
I have him for Jog-raphy

FOGHORN LEGHORN

Foghorn Leghorn
Was sent off the field today
The referee claimed
It was for persistent fowl play

NO! YOU DON'T IRON FOUR LEAF CLOVERS

No! You don't iron four leaf clovers
That something you must never do
Because let’s be honest you don’t
Want to go pressing your luck do you

I’M SORRY I CAN'T BE YOUR VALENTINE

I’m sorry I can't be your valentine
I’m dumping you double quick
It’s on medical grounds in truth
Because you just make me sick

SHE WAS MARRIED TO HIM

She was married to him
For three years, just over
And didn't know he drank
Until he came home sober

HAPPINESS TRANSACTION

Money can't buy you happiness
Isn’t that supposed to be the deal?
Well I beg to differ, because
I bought myself a Happy Meal

A CHEESY TALE

My love life is like
A wheel of Swiss cheese I think
It’s full of holes
And the remainder tends to stink

A PHYSICAL JERK

I never take any form
Of physical exercise
I don’t want to be fit
If I see a jogger with
A smile on their face
Then I might try it

AN AFFAIR OF THE HEART

An affair of the heart
And at my age too
Well yes I know it’s
A bypass that’s true

AS THEY STOOD BEFORE THE ALTAR

As they stood before the altar
At the proudest moment of their life
The Reverend said “I now pronounce
You Husband and Wife”
“You may now update your Facebook status”

A MAN AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE

A man at the press conference,
Stood up at the podium,
Not one of the lycra clad blokes,
And declared he was spokesman
Asked to clarify he said
“I’m the man in charge of spokes”

MY GRANDDADS GREATEST PLEASURE

My granddads greatest pleasure
Was his allotment
So in his will he instructed
His son Peter
To sprinkle his ashes
Over the beloved plot
Lightly forking them in
At one ounce per square metre

MY NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR,

My new next door neighbour,
It turns out, is a really pretentious twat
He has travelled quite a lot
So his house is named Bindair Dundat.