DIETING TIP # 4
When you eat with someone else
Anything consumed off their plate
Is calorie free, because they will
Cling to the other person’s plate
CANDY CRUSH
He is a bit of a technophobe
If I have to tell the truth
So he thinks Candy Crush
Is a stripper from his youth
ONE OF MY TEACHERS IS A RUNNER
One of my teachers is a runner
He does it fanatically
But I don’t have him for PE
I have him for Jog-raphy
FOGHORN LEGHORN
Foghorn Leghorn
Was sent off the field today
The referee claimed
It was for persistent fowl play
NO! YOU DON'T IRON FOUR LEAF CLOVERS
No! You don't iron four leaf clovers
That something you must never do
Because let’s be honest you don’t
Want to go pressing your luck do you
I’M SORRY I CAN'T BE YOUR VALENTINE
I’m sorry I can't be your valentine
I’m dumping you double quick
It’s on medical grounds in truth
Because you just make me sick
SHE WAS MARRIED TO HIM
She was married to him
For three years, just over
And didn't know he drank
Until he came home sober
HAPPINESS TRANSACTION
Money can't buy you happiness
Isn’t that supposed to be the deal?
Well I beg to differ, because
I bought myself a Happy Meal
A CHEESY TALE
My love life is like
A wheel of Swiss cheese I think
It’s full of holes
And the remainder tends to stink
A PHYSICAL JERK
I never take any form
Of physical exercise
I don’t want to be fit
If I see a jogger with
A smile on their face
Then I might try it
AN AFFAIR OF THE HEART
An affair of the heart
And at my age too
Well yes I know it’s
A bypass that’s true
AS THEY STOOD BEFORE THE ALTAR
As they stood before the altar
At the proudest moment of their life
The Reverend said “I now pronounce
You Husband and Wife”
“You may now update your Facebook status”
A MAN AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE
A man at the press conference,
Stood up at the podium,
Not one of the lycra clad blokes,
And declared he was spokesman
Asked to clarify he said
“I’m the man in charge of spokes”
MY GRANDDADS GREATEST PLEASURE
My granddads greatest pleasure
Was his allotment
So in his will he instructed
His son Peter
To sprinkle his ashes
Over the beloved plot
Lightly forking them in
At one ounce per square metre
MY NEW NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR,
My new next door neighbour,
It turns out, is a really pretentious twat
He has travelled quite a lot
So his house is named Bindair Dundat.
Wednesday 7 January 2015
A Little Bit Of Humour # 75
DIETING TIP # 3
I don’t know all the science involved
It’s something to do with gravity
But anything you consume while you
Are standing up contains no calories
IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 2
It’s a sure sign you have lost
Your sex appeal for certain
When your gynaecologist
Won’t examine you in person
ARE YOU ADDICTED TO PLASTIC SURGERY?
Are you addicted to plastic surgery?
Or just had more than your fair share
Well it’s a sure sign when your surgeon
Is an employee of Tupperware
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 335
Old Mother Goose,
When she wanted to wander,
Hitched up her dress
And let the men have a gander.
MY CROSS EYES TEACHER WAS SACKED
My cross eyed teacher was sacked
The governors have no scruples
They said it wasn’t her disability
But that she couldn't control her pupils
AT THIS YEAR’S INSECT SUPER BOWL
At this year’s insect Super Bowl
The quarterback played dismally
Rimsky-Korsakov dropped the ball
It was the plight of the fumble Bee
FOGHORN LEGHORN THE COCKEREL
Foghorn Leghorn the Cockerel
Is happy to be the farmyard hick
Not through a lack of ambition
But he’s never short of a hot chick
BIMBETTE ENTERED A SWIMMING COMPETITION
Bimbette entered a swimming competition
In the breast stroke much to her alarm
She came last and claimed she was cheated
As the other swimmers used their arms
THE REASON WE KNOW THE INDIANS
The reason we know the Indians
Were truly the first nations
On the North America continent
Was because they had reservations
TELL ME PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW
Tell me please I want to know
Remember I asked you once before
Tell me what did Tennessee?
Was it the same thing Arkansas?
HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES
Half of all marriages
Will end in divorce
Which just leaves the
Unhappy ones of course
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE CLAPPED OUT
You know when you are clapped out
And not vital any more
When the doc tells you
To slow down instead of the law
ARE SAFARI PARKS DISCRIMINATORY?
Are Safari parks discriminatory?
Yes they most certainly are
Because they make no attempt
To accommodate those without a car
THE TEMPERATURE OF SEX
An old man was at the doctors
“I have a question you may think silly
Well after my wife and I have sex,
I'm usually cold and chilly
But then, after the second time
I'm usually hot and sweaty"
The doc replied “Well that is strange
Let’s discuss it with Betty”
The doctor repeated the tale
And she replied with disgust
"The first time is in January
And the second is in August"
APPARENTLY OWNING A DOG
Apparently owning a dog
Can take ten years of you
I now have four of them
But I still look sixty two
I don’t know all the science involved
It’s something to do with gravity
But anything you consume while you
Are standing up contains no calories
IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 2
It’s a sure sign you have lost
Your sex appeal for certain
When your gynaecologist
Won’t examine you in person
ARE YOU ADDICTED TO PLASTIC SURGERY?
Are you addicted to plastic surgery?
Or just had more than your fair share
Well it’s a sure sign when your surgeon
Is an employee of Tupperware
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 335
Old Mother Goose,
When she wanted to wander,
Hitched up her dress
And let the men have a gander.
MY CROSS EYES TEACHER WAS SACKED
My cross eyed teacher was sacked
The governors have no scruples
They said it wasn’t her disability
But that she couldn't control her pupils
AT THIS YEAR’S INSECT SUPER BOWL
At this year’s insect Super Bowl
The quarterback played dismally
Rimsky-Korsakov dropped the ball
It was the plight of the fumble Bee
FOGHORN LEGHORN THE COCKEREL
Foghorn Leghorn the Cockerel
Is happy to be the farmyard hick
Not through a lack of ambition
But he’s never short of a hot chick
BIMBETTE ENTERED A SWIMMING COMPETITION
Bimbette entered a swimming competition
In the breast stroke much to her alarm
She came last and claimed she was cheated
As the other swimmers used their arms
THE REASON WE KNOW THE INDIANS
The reason we know the Indians
Were truly the first nations
On the North America continent
Was because they had reservations
TELL ME PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW
Tell me please I want to know
Remember I asked you once before
Tell me what did Tennessee?
Was it the same thing Arkansas?
HALF OF ALL MARRIAGES
Half of all marriages
Will end in divorce
Which just leaves the
Unhappy ones of course
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE CLAPPED OUT
You know when you are clapped out
And not vital any more
When the doc tells you
To slow down instead of the law
ARE SAFARI PARKS DISCRIMINATORY?
Are Safari parks discriminatory?
Yes they most certainly are
Because they make no attempt
To accommodate those without a car
THE TEMPERATURE OF SEX
An old man was at the doctors
“I have a question you may think silly
Well after my wife and I have sex,
I'm usually cold and chilly
But then, after the second time
I'm usually hot and sweaty"
The doc replied “Well that is strange
Let’s discuss it with Betty”
The doctor repeated the tale
And she replied with disgust
"The first time is in January
And the second is in August"
APPARENTLY OWNING A DOG
Apparently owning a dog
Can take ten years of you
I now have four of them
But I still look sixty two
A Little Bit Of Humour # 74
DIETING TIP # 2
When you eat with someone else
Calories don't count for you
Just as long as you don’t eat
Any more food than they do
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 334
Old Father Goose,
Had hands that would wander
But when he couldn’t goose
He had to settle for a gander
ARE YOU WEARING SPANX AGAIN?
Are you wearing spanx again?
But they cause you so much pain
When they’re on you look smart
But they restrict your ability to fart
HOMELESS SNOWMAN
He was dressed in rags
And made from snow
A poor homeless snowman
A sad lonely snowbo
THE REASON THEY PIPE IN THE HAGGIS
The reason they pipe in the haggis
Without any fluster or hurry
Is to warn the discerning diner
So they can go and get a curry
REVEREND FOGHORN LEGHORN
Reverend Foghorn Leghorn
Has done his reputation damage
When he was ejected from church
For using fowl language
THE CHILDREN LIKE TO SING
The children like to sing
In the family broom, broom
Anything and everything
The kids call them cartoons
MANY THINGS CAN BE PRESERVED
Many things can be preserved
In alcohol, the list nears infinity
But among that endless list
One of them is not your dignity
IF SCIENTIST’S WERE EVER TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS
If scientist’s were ever to achieve success
In a cross breeding in which they would exult
Between a rabbit’s foot and a four leaf clover
Until a rash of good luck would be the result
BIMBETTE AND THE CAR POOL
Bimbette got locked out of her car
In the pouring rain
She had forgotten her keys
So went back in the house again
When she got in the car
She started to frown
The seats were soaked
Because the roof had been down
I WAS BEATEN UP BY A HULA HOOP
I was beaten up by a hula hoop
A round, bad-tempered fink
It was a totally unprovoked attack
It was a “vicious circle” I think
IF BOTANIST’S WERE TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS
If botanist’s were to achieve success
A cross germination in which to exult
Between poison ivy and a four leaf clover
A rash of good luck would be the result
LET ME FULFIL ALL YOUR WISHES
Let me fulfil all your wishes
To shower you with kisses
But please don’t tell the Mrs
MIDDLE-AGED CONTRACEPTION
I have found that at my age
The best form of contraception
That works for me anyway
Is to leave the bedroom light on
BIRTHDAY RITUAL
When I have a birthday
I take the day off
When my wife has one
She takes a year off
When you eat with someone else
Calories don't count for you
Just as long as you don’t eat
Any more food than they do
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 334
Old Father Goose,
Had hands that would wander
But when he couldn’t goose
He had to settle for a gander
ARE YOU WEARING SPANX AGAIN?
Are you wearing spanx again?
But they cause you so much pain
When they’re on you look smart
But they restrict your ability to fart
HOMELESS SNOWMAN
He was dressed in rags
And made from snow
A poor homeless snowman
A sad lonely snowbo
THE REASON THEY PIPE IN THE HAGGIS
The reason they pipe in the haggis
Without any fluster or hurry
Is to warn the discerning diner
So they can go and get a curry
REVEREND FOGHORN LEGHORN
Reverend Foghorn Leghorn
Has done his reputation damage
When he was ejected from church
For using fowl language
THE CHILDREN LIKE TO SING
The children like to sing
In the family broom, broom
Anything and everything
The kids call them cartoons
MANY THINGS CAN BE PRESERVED
Many things can be preserved
In alcohol, the list nears infinity
But among that endless list
One of them is not your dignity
IF SCIENTIST’S WERE EVER TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS
If scientist’s were ever to achieve success
In a cross breeding in which they would exult
Between a rabbit’s foot and a four leaf clover
Until a rash of good luck would be the result
BIMBETTE AND THE CAR POOL
Bimbette got locked out of her car
In the pouring rain
She had forgotten her keys
So went back in the house again
When she got in the car
She started to frown
The seats were soaked
Because the roof had been down
I WAS BEATEN UP BY A HULA HOOP
I was beaten up by a hula hoop
A round, bad-tempered fink
It was a totally unprovoked attack
It was a “vicious circle” I think
IF BOTANIST’S WERE TO ACHIEVE SUCCESS
If botanist’s were to achieve success
A cross germination in which to exult
Between poison ivy and a four leaf clover
A rash of good luck would be the result
LET ME FULFIL ALL YOUR WISHES
Let me fulfil all your wishes
To shower you with kisses
But please don’t tell the Mrs
MIDDLE-AGED CONTRACEPTION
I have found that at my age
The best form of contraception
That works for me anyway
Is to leave the bedroom light on
BIRTHDAY RITUAL
When I have a birthday
I take the day off
When my wife has one
She takes a year off
A Little Bit Of Humour # 73
CINDERELLA’S TEAM IS BOTTOM OF THE LEAGUE # 1
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
They’re even lower than the bumpkins
But it’s obvious why they struggle
Because the team coach is a pumpkin
A STRIKER AND A MAGICIAN
A striker and a magician
Clearly have in common
An almost instinctive ability
To do hat tricks effectively
THERE WAS A FOUR HOUR POWER CUT
There was a four hour power cut
While she was in the department store
And Bimbette then spent all four hours
Trapped halfway up the escalator
DOWN AT THE STABLES
Down at the stables
We have a dirty phone caller
Who we have nicknamed
The hoarse Whisperer
IF THE MOUNTAINS OF THE WORLD
If the mountains of the world
Were to be put to the test
The most intelligent one
Would be mount cleverest
MY UNCLE HAS WRITTEN AN EXPOSE
My Uncle has written an expose
It’s a real kiss and tell
About being a vet, it’s called
All creatures grunt and smell
DIETING TIP # 1
When you are alone
And you eat something
It has no calories, as long
As no one sees a thing
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S COOP
Have you ever wondered why?
A chicken coop has two doors?
Because it would obviously be
A chicken Sedan if it had four
IF YOU WERE TO TRAIN QUASIMODO
If you were to train Quasimodo
For an American footballer game
The result of training would be
The Halfback of Notre Dame
THE COLDEST COUNTRY ON EARTH
The coldest country on earth
Is not Lapland? Isn’t that silly
It’s a place that make you shiver
But nothing at all like Chile
THE SNOWMAN STOOD ON HIS LAWN
The snowman stood on his lawn
With a smile across his face
Because the snow blower was
Heading towards his place
HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL
Heralding its arrival
A lone piper suitably bedecked
Leads the procession
To the hosts table unchecked
It’s delivered to the supper
With such deferential respect
Then addressed and served
Not to eat it shows disrespect
Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler
Then I truly cannot recollect
IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 1
It’s a sure sign you have lost
Your sex appeal for certain
When the local peeping tom
Chooses to close your curtain
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 333
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We'll all make meth
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
We're all going away
ARE YOU WEARING A DOPEY LOOK?
Are you wearing a dopey look?
Come on tell me what’s to blame
No please don’t answer that
And I don’t want to know her name
Cinderella’s team is bottom of the league
They’re even lower than the bumpkins
But it’s obvious why they struggle
Because the team coach is a pumpkin
A STRIKER AND A MAGICIAN
A striker and a magician
Clearly have in common
An almost instinctive ability
To do hat tricks effectively
THERE WAS A FOUR HOUR POWER CUT
There was a four hour power cut
While she was in the department store
And Bimbette then spent all four hours
Trapped halfway up the escalator
DOWN AT THE STABLES
Down at the stables
We have a dirty phone caller
Who we have nicknamed
The hoarse Whisperer
IF THE MOUNTAINS OF THE WORLD
If the mountains of the world
Were to be put to the test
The most intelligent one
Would be mount cleverest
MY UNCLE HAS WRITTEN AN EXPOSE
My Uncle has written an expose
It’s a real kiss and tell
About being a vet, it’s called
All creatures grunt and smell
DIETING TIP # 1
When you are alone
And you eat something
It has no calories, as long
As no one sees a thing
FOGHORN LEGHORN’S COOP
Have you ever wondered why?
A chicken coop has two doors?
Because it would obviously be
A chicken Sedan if it had four
IF YOU WERE TO TRAIN QUASIMODO
If you were to train Quasimodo
For an American footballer game
The result of training would be
The Halfback of Notre Dame
THE COLDEST COUNTRY ON EARTH
The coldest country on earth
Is not Lapland? Isn’t that silly
It’s a place that make you shiver
But nothing at all like Chile
THE SNOWMAN STOOD ON HIS LAWN
The snowman stood on his lawn
With a smile across his face
Because the snow blower was
Heading towards his place
HERALDING ITS ARRIVAL
Heralding its arrival
A lone piper suitably bedecked
Leads the procession
To the hosts table unchecked
It’s delivered to the supper
With such deferential respect
Then addressed and served
Not to eat it shows disrespect
Well if I’ve eaten anything fouler
Then I truly cannot recollect
IT’S A SURE SIGN YOU HAVE LOST # 1
It’s a sure sign you have lost
Your sex appeal for certain
When the local peeping tom
Chooses to close your curtain
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 333
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
Polly put the kettle on,
We'll all make meth
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
PC’s take it off again,
We're all going away
ARE YOU WEARING A DOPEY LOOK?
Are you wearing a dopey look?
Come on tell me what’s to blame
No please don’t answer that
And I don’t want to know her name
New Year 2015
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 1
I was separated from my wife
Due to my serial infidelity
And found myself in bed again
With her best friend Felicity
It was on New Year’s Day
And Felicity asked me
“Did you make a resolution?
What was it? Go on tell me”
I replied “Not to be unfaithful
Ever again to my wife Pru”
As she climbed onto me she asked
“How’s that working out for you?”
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2
I made a New Year’s resolution
To stop having one night stands
Which would be easier to do
If second dates were in my plans
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
FROM ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT
I want to kiss you
On December 31st
Before the clock strikes twelve
Until the last chime
Echoes in the night
Of January the first
So one year will come to an end
In the most amazing way
And the next will have
A beautiful beginning
I was separated from my wife
Due to my serial infidelity
And found myself in bed again
With her best friend Felicity
It was on New Year’s Day
And Felicity asked me
“Did you make a resolution?
What was it? Go on tell me”
I replied “Not to be unfaithful
Ever again to my wife Pru”
As she climbed onto me she asked
“How’s that working out for you?”
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION # 2
I made a New Year’s resolution
To stop having one night stands
Which would be easier to do
If second dates were in my plans
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
FROM ONE YEAR TO THE NEXT
I want to kiss you
On December 31st
Before the clock strikes twelve
Until the last chime
Echoes in the night
Of January the first
So one year will come to an end
In the most amazing way
And the next will have
A beautiful beginning
Thursday 27 November 2014
A Little Bit Of Humour # 72
A YOUNG WOMAN GOLFER
A young woman golfer had just started
Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,
It was so painful she abandoned the game
And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy
Her golf pro saw her as she returned
And wondered why she was back so early
So he went to ask her what was wrong
And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”
“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”
He was sympathetic right from the start
“Between the first and second hole”
She replied wincing at the stings smart.
He nodded knowingly and said
“Then your feet were too far apart”
THE OFFER THAT SWUNG THE VOTE
The offer that swung the vote
On the recent referendum day
Was lowering healthy portions
From five, to three a day
TO UNDERSTAND DISABILITY
To understand disability, you should
Put yourself in their place
You might want to start by using
A disabled Parking space
AFRICA HAS ITS PROBLEMS
Africa has its problems
With the outbreak of Ebola
But spare a thought for
Every Little Englander
Who is exposed every
Summer to Tombola
DR WHO IS VERY, VERY OLD
Dr Who is very, very old
Even for a time traveller
And I think he is also
Suffering from Dimensia
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION
Crime Scene Investigation
Better known as CSI
Has been on the air so long
It should be renamed RSI
MY COUSIN IS A LOOKALIKE
My cousin is a lookalike,
He’s a dead ringer
For Prince Harry Wales
He’s a Doppelginger
TOFU GATEAUX
For my birthday my kids
Bought me a Tofu Gateaux
Which was as much use to me
As a slinky in a bungalow
POLITICIANS PRETEND
Politicians pretend to
Represent the people
But in reality, they
See us merely as Sheople
DON’T REST UPON YOUR LAURELS
Don’t rest upon your laurels
Once you’ve reached top
Because someone on the ladder
Is just waiting for you to drop
IF YOU EAT A BURGER
If you eat a burger
And it gives you the trots
You will probably find
It was horsemeat like as not
I LOVE IT WHEN WE BEAT THE AUSSIES
I love it when we beat the Aussies
It’s a bit of a passion of mine
Because they are such bad losers
I’m way up on cloud nine
I like to ask them, “Would you like
Some cheese with that whine?”
A young woman golfer had just started
Her round, when she was stung by a Bee,
It was so painful she abandoned the game
And returned to the clubhouse for sympathy
Her golf pro saw her as she returned
And wondered why she was back so early
So he went to ask her what was wrong
And she told him “'I was stung by a Bee”
“Oh dear, that’s awful” he said “Where?”
He was sympathetic right from the start
“Between the first and second hole”
She replied wincing at the stings smart.
He nodded knowingly and said
“Then your feet were too far apart”
THE OFFER THAT SWUNG THE VOTE
The offer that swung the vote
On the recent referendum day
Was lowering healthy portions
From five, to three a day
TO UNDERSTAND DISABILITY
To understand disability, you should
Put yourself in their place
You might want to start by using
A disabled Parking space
AFRICA HAS ITS PROBLEMS
Africa has its problems
With the outbreak of Ebola
But spare a thought for
Every Little Englander
Who is exposed every
Summer to Tombola
DR WHO IS VERY, VERY OLD
Dr Who is very, very old
Even for a time traveller
And I think he is also
Suffering from Dimensia
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION
Crime Scene Investigation
Better known as CSI
Has been on the air so long
It should be renamed RSI
MY COUSIN IS A LOOKALIKE
My cousin is a lookalike,
He’s a dead ringer
For Prince Harry Wales
He’s a Doppelginger
TOFU GATEAUX
For my birthday my kids
Bought me a Tofu Gateaux
Which was as much use to me
As a slinky in a bungalow
POLITICIANS PRETEND
Politicians pretend to
Represent the people
But in reality, they
See us merely as Sheople
DON’T REST UPON YOUR LAURELS
Don’t rest upon your laurels
Once you’ve reached top
Because someone on the ladder
Is just waiting for you to drop
IF YOU EAT A BURGER
If you eat a burger
And it gives you the trots
You will probably find
It was horsemeat like as not
I LOVE IT WHEN WE BEAT THE AUSSIES
I love it when we beat the Aussies
It’s a bit of a passion of mine
Because they are such bad losers
I’m way up on cloud nine
I like to ask them, “Would you like
Some cheese with that whine?”
Christmas Stocking Fillers # 6
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 13
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling
I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS
I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas
THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON
Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe
BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR
Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released
A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER
It was a novelty Christmas caper
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper
Not a gift I would choose
You can only use number 1s and 2s
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
Twas the night before Christmas
And all thru the dwelling
the fragrances of Christmas
Was all we were smelling
I DON'T WANT MUCH FOR CHRISTMAS
I don't want much for Christmas
What I want is quite naïve
And an unrealistic expectation
I just want everybody to be happy
I know it’s a forlorn hope
But miracles do happen at Christmas
THROUGHOUT THE YULETIDE SEASON
Throughout the yuletide season
In the light of the fireside glow
Christmas garlands are strung
Of Holly, Ivy and Mistletoe
BALTHAZAR, MELCHIOR AND CASPAR
Balthazar, Melchior and Caspar
The wise men of the east
Search for the prince of peace
Gods dove against the beast
And with the holy birth
The light of love was released
A NOVELTY CHRISTMAS CAPER
It was a novelty Christmas caper
I was given some Sudoku toilet paper
Not a gift I would choose
You can only use number 1s and 2s
WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES
When the clock strikes
The midnight hour
One year ends
And another begins
With an explosion
Of pyrotechnic splendour
Lavishly ostentatious
Many thousands of pounds
Up in smoke
Is it really worth it?
Would it not be better spent?
On the homeless
And the lost
And so begin a new year
With new hope
ARE YOU WEARING A NEW YEARS OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a New Year’s outfit?
Well you really do look good in it
And it doesn’t look risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking little outfit
Though all the emphasis is on the fit
NEW YEARS PICKUP # 1
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
On New Year’s Eve
Before the bells begin to clang
Ask her if she wants to
Ring in the New Year with a bang?
THE YEAR IS TURNING
The year is turning, the cycle
Has made another revolution
It’s time once more to make
The obligatory resolution
Which is broken within days
But this year I have a solution
In order to make it last
I will not make a resolution
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