True Nature # 7

THE FIERCE SUMMER GALES

The fierce summer gales
Howl all through the night
Whipping up the seas
And turning wave tops white
The poor souls at sea
On the dark summer night
In the teeth of the tempest
Feel it’s savage bite
And pray to their gods
To save them from their plight
As the gale blows through
On the dark summer night

IN THE DEWY SUMMER MEADOW

In the dewy summer meadow
I watch the dawn’s first rays
Beginning to evaporate the mist
In the majesty of summer days

BENEATH AZURE BLUE SKIES

Beneath azure blue skies
Beside a silent pool
A bird sings in the stillness
Its sweet song drifting
On the lemon scented breeze
As evening approached

WATERY WORLD

In a river, barely worthy of the name,
Where the gentle water trickles back
Towards a greater watery world,
Lives the humble little stickleback

A Little Bit Of Humour # 139

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 14

Puss in Boots isn’t all he appears
And you will be shocked to your roots
He is more flamboyant in private
And is often Puss in Latex Boots

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 9

I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard “oh fuck it!,
“Someone call the janitorial services
We're going to need a mop and bucket!”

THE HAGGIS

Haggis is made from sheep's offal
Oatmeal, suet, seasoning and onions
Stuffed inside of a sheep stomach
Which has to be one of Heston’s creations

THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE # 1

The secret to a happy married life
Is that you should simply remember
That to keep on the good side of your wife
Silence is sometimes the best answer

ARE YOU WEARING A BRANDY KEG?

Are you wearing a brandy keg?
Is obviously the question that I beg?
I obviously hope the answer is yes
If it’s no, I’m hallucinating I guess

FAT TUESDAY

Pancake Day is known as Fat Tuesday
And is the last day before the Lenten season
It was a feast day and it was the practise of
Them stuffing their faces that is the reason

A HOLIDAY DECEPTION # 1

I pretend to be someone I’m not
Just to receive something sweet
Which could be for Halloween
Or for a Valentine’s Day treat

SO IF THEY PUT REAL LEMONS

So if they put real lemons
In the washing up liquid
Does that mean that they
Put real fairies in fairy liquid

GRETEL DIDN’T GO TO THE WOODS

Gretel didn’t go to the woods
Looking for a house of gingerbread
When she walked along with Hansel
She was looking for a muffin instead

I WENT TO A LECTURE ON TYRE TECHNOLOGY

I went to a lecture on tyre technology
But during the lecture from hell
The lecturer told a joke about a puncture
Which I thought went down well

A Little Bit Of Humour # 138

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 13

It wasn’t a pea in her bed that kept her awake
It was something of a very different genus
The reason for her exhaustion each morning
Was as a result of the Princess and a penis

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 8

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist was a bit of a bore
He said “Oops! Does anyone know if a patient
Has ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

WHEN WE WERE KIDS IN THE AUTUMN

When we were kids in the autumn
My brother would hide from view
Beneath a pile of fresh fallen leaves
But hey that was Russell for you

MY GIRLFRIEND WORKS IN A CHINESE KITCHEN

My girlfriend works in a Chinese kitchen
And the sauces she must skilfully render
Which is quite ironic really when you hear
The way the chef pronounces Brenda

WE COULD SEE A GROUP OF HIPPIES

We could see a group of hippies drowning
I said “we should try to save them if we can”
My wife was thoughtful for a moment before
She replied “No I think they’re too far out man”

AN ELDERLY FEMALE DRIVER WAS SEEN BY POLICE

An elderly female driver was seen by police
Driving on the motorway very dangerously
She was knitting a jumper while at the wheel
The police told her to Pullover immediately

APPARENTLY ONE IN THREE KIDS # 2

Apparently one in three kids
Are conceived in an IKEA bed
But thankfully two out of three
Wait until they get home instead

TEENAGERS ARE LIKE CAVEMEN

Teenagers are like Cavemen
With their inappropriate rubbing
Personal hygiene, table manners
And their penchant for clubbing

A WORLD RENOWNED SCIENTIST

A world renowned scientist
Decided that he would utilize
A beautiful knocker on his door
And he won the No Bell prize

WHEN THEY ARE STEPPED ON

When they are stepped on
Their behaviour is quite benign
The Grapes never say a word
But they do give a little whine

A Little Bit Of Humour # 137

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 12

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips
Were very stimulating for Hansel
Because once deep in the woods
He got a hand job from Gretel

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 7

I went into hospital for minor surgery
Afterwards in recovery I heard an exchange
Of converse between the attending clinicians
“What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?”

THE YOUNG CALLOW MAN DID TRULY PINE

The young callow man did truly pine
And hoped someone would introduce
Him to the rich lumberman's daughter
So he made sure he looked spruce

THE MOST OBEDIENT INANIMATE OBJECTS

The most obedient inanimate objects
Are Bells, if I may make so bold
And the reason for that is They make
A noise whenever they are tolled

THERE IS A PARTICULAR HERB

There is a particular herb
That by reason and rhyme
Is most injurious to a lady's
beauty and that is Thyme

I WAS TOLD SOMETHING INTERESTING

I was told something interesting
By the RSPCA Man
He said Dogs can’t have an MRI
But explained that CatsCan

AUTOMATED CONCEIT

The guy was so conceited that when
He stood in the cubicle with nothing on
And his automatic shower came to life
He thought his nakedness had turned it on

I PLUG IN MY IPHONE CHARGER

I plug in my iPhone charger
To give the battery a boost
Just to top it up to maximum
With what I call Apple Juice

MY WIFE SAYS I CAN’T MULTITASK

My wife says I can’t multitask
But she is in error it seems to me
As I can waste time, be unproductive,
And procrastinate simultaneously

I WENT TO THE UKRAINE

I went to the Ukraine
With my girlfriend Bev
And I ate a Chicken Kiev
With my chick in Kiev

A Little Bit Of Humour # 136

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 11

Hansel and Gretel’s little trips
Were always exceedingly fruitful
Because once deep in the woods
They became Handsy and Grateful

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 6

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the anaesthetist thought he was funny
When the nurse dropped a scalpel he said
“Sterile, shcmerile. the floor's clean, really”

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAMERA

The difference between a camera
And a bad case of influenza
Is that one makes facsimiles
And the other makes sick families

I WILL DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN

I will differentiate between, if I can,
A tube and a foolish Dutchman
Ah yes, one is a hollow cylinder
And the other is a silly Hollander

THE GREATEST SHAKESPEARIAN VILLAIN

The greatest Shakespearian villain,
Who would make a demon scowl,
Was Macbeth the chicken-killer,
Because he did murder most foul

MY SISTER ELLEN

My sister Ellen
Married beneath her
But then she is
Six feet tall to be fare

JOHN IS A VERY UNLUCKY LOVER

John is a very unlucky lover
Unlike James, his twin brother
As John always misses the kisses
While James kisses the misses

AVOID DATING PRETTY MEN, NO MATTER

Avoid dating pretty men, no matter
How much they illuminate the gloom
Because the pretty men are all like
Cheap fireworks, they go off too soon

A YOUNG MAN STOLE A KISS FROM HER LIPS

A young man stole a kiss from her lips
And to his surprise she didn’t have a fit
Instead she smiled and said to him
“Just put that back from where you took it”

POULTRY FARMERS WHO KEEP

Poultry farmers who keep
Battery chickens are fiends
Because they earn their
Immoral living by fowl means

A Little Bit Of Humour # 135

21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 384

The old lady who lived in a shoe
Was forced into the sex trade
And moved into a thigh high
Stiletto Boot on what she made

FAIRY TALE’S RESPUN # 10

Tinderfella went to the dance
Looking for a little romance
But in the end he didnt find her
Because they were all on grindr

I WENT INTO HOSPITAL FOR MINOR SURGERY # 5

I went into hospital for minor surgery
And the surgeons were a couple of arses
One of them said to the other “I bet now
You wish you hadn't forgotten your glasses.”

MY COUSIN IS AN ORTHODONTIST

My cousin is an orthodontist
In the American deep south
I don’t think he’s happy, as he
Always looks down in the mouth

THE MOST MIRACULOUS ANIMAL

The most miraculous animal
In the farm-yard, I am assured
Is the humble pig and that’s because
It is killed and then cured

WHEN IS A LOVER LIKE A TAILOR

When is a lover like a tailor?
Surely that point is moot
The answer simply has to be
When he presses his suit

A WOMAN, HAVING BURIED HER

A woman, having buried her
Philandering husband Dwight,
Said she had one consolation,
She knew where he was at night

AVOID MARRYING A GIRL CALLED ANN

Avoid marrying a girl called Ann
With every fibre and particle
Because if you marry her
She will be an indefinite article

A WOMAN’S FAVOURITE WORD

A woman’s favourite word
When all said and done
Doesn’t have to be special
It just has to be the last one

WHEN ACTOR FOGHORN LEGHORN

When actor Foghorn Leghorn
Retired to a farm near Leyton
Named his favourite he “Macduff”
Because he wanted her to lay on

Christmas 2016 # 2

AS KIDS EVERY CHRISTMAS TIME

As kids every Christmas time
We would really go berserk
But now I’m grown up I think
It’s just a lot of extra work

AT CHRISTMAS WHEN I WAS A CHILD

At Christmas when I was a child
I always used to resent
Getting items of clothing
As they weren’t a proper present

But that all changed later
And I would always make a fuss
When I was in my teens
If I didn’t get clothes for Christmas

SHINY RED BAUBLES

Shiny red baubles
Can be a sign of the Season
But for my brother
An STD was the reason

WE HAD TO CUT THE LEGS OFF

We had to cut the legs off
The turkey to get it in the oven
But I think we should have
Killed it first on reflection

INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY

Instead of the traditional Turkey
We had Venison this year
While up at the North Pole
Santa was missing a Reindeer

FOR OUR CHRISTMAS DINNER

For our Christmas dinner
We had German sprouts
And they in no way allayed
Any low emission doubts

I DECIDED TO SPICE UP CHRISTMAS

I decided to spice up Christmas
And along with some scanties
I bought her some special toys
That cost me a fortune in batteries

WHICH CAROLS DO YOU WANT TO DO?

“Which carols do you want to do?”
The music teacher asked me
I misunderstood the question and replied
“Needham, Crow and Vitale”

WITH TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS

With two days till Christmas
Sales will definitely pick up a bit
As men start Christmas shopping
And start to buy ‘any old shit’

JESUS WAS EXACTLY 7LB WHEN HE WAS BORN

Jesus was exactly 7lb when he was born
And they told every visiting stranger
And Mary and Joseph knew it was true
Because They had a weigh in the manger.

SNOWMEN ARE RUBBISH AT CRICKET

Snowmen are rubbish at cricket
They only play when the snow falls
Even then they can’t hit the wicket
And they keep bowling snow-balls

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF NATIVITY

The Great British Bake-Off nativity
Is to be a real festive feast
And baker Paul Hollywood says its
Because the Star is in the Yeast

DEAR SANTA, ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas
This year is a brother”
Santa replied and said “ok, can do, just
Send me your mother”