NAKED LUST
While idly watching you undress
I have a thought, of course one of lust
And as I pondered thoughtfully
You caught me watching but showed no disgust
You were used to my libidinous bent
And happy to let me do, as I must
And as long as it ended with a good seeing too
You weren’t really fussed
IT’S A MUST-O
You said you were not fussed-o
When I said I’m full of lust-o
Oh let me fondle at your bust-o
Then we can go at it with gusto
You said well if you really must-o
Come and exorcise your lust-o
LECHEROUS
When I see a young woman
Dressed seductively to flirt
I wonder what I would find
Hiding up beneath her skirt
Will it be the neatest nest?
Or the wildest overgrown thatch
Will it be the fullest bush?
Or an over groomed snatch
And if there is a hairy muff
Will the collar match the cuff?
The answer is of no import
Its just an old mans dirty thought
THE SURE THING
She was a dirty horny little cow
And I wanted her and how
I saw her breasts small and pert
And wanted to explore up her skirt
I knew about her slutty reputation
That she’d do it without hesitation
So it was a case of when and not if
And that thought was making me stiff
So you can imagine my surprise
When she stood hornily before my eye
She gave me the once over and told me no
And said that even she wasn’t that low
I’D WAITED AN HOUR UP THAT TREE
I’d waited an hour up that tree
In a position that I could see
And my patience rewarded me
As she appeared in the bedroom nakedly
The beautiful little piece of fluff
I could see standing there in the buff
And I copped an eyeful of her chuff
And the most delightful little muff
But then quite embarrassingly
A man mounted her quite rampantly
I realised it was my young brother Lee
And that was when I fell out of the tree
OODLES
There is more to life than boodle
So if you use your noodle
And find yourself a piece of Strudel
To have a bit of a canoodle
She might let you stroke her poodle
You might even get the whole caboodle
DEGRADED AND SPENT
Degraded and spent
Sullied but unashamed
She awoke in his arms
OMG
OMG your tits are huge
Firm and round
And gravity defying
Not resting on the ground
OMG your tits are astounding
So pleasing to the touch
A couple of beauties
To adoringly clutch
OMG bad for your posture
Is that what they say?
Well a little back pain
Is a small price to pay
THE WALKING WOUNDED
The walking wounded
And the living dead
The quibbling siblings
Daisy, Maisie and Fred
Every Tennis menace
And Rugger bugger
Every football hooligan
Every thief and mugger
Well they’re all at it, everyone
Every daughter and son
Him and her and me and you
Doing what birds and bees do
DIRTY LITTLE WITCH
She is a dirty little witch
And you have that horny itch
To feel your swollen cock twitch
So pop on a night fighter
Its time for your bishop’s mitre
To penetrate the pillow biter
PEEPING TOM
Well what a life changing experience
Before my surgery I could barely see
It was like looking through frosted glass
Shapes and colours seen indistinctly
But when the dressing came off
I could see much better, just a little misty
Like looking through steamed up glass
But now even the mist has cleared
And I can see everything perfectly
I can see the girl I love as clear as day
But I still have to climb up a tree to do it
LOOSE WOMEN
I always thought
The Essex girls were loose
Of very easy virtue
And well up for a goose
The pretty ones
With the mate like a Moose
The sad old slappers
Who were easy to seduce
And the dirty ones
Who liked it up the caboose
Well I now have to say
I have managed to deduce
That girls everywhere
Do it with the least excuse
18-30 HOLS
I love the 18-30 hols
Making out with the foreign dolls
Some of them are just a bit flirty
Some of them are just plain dirty
Some of them are straight laced
Some of them are just two faced
And tell you No to your face
Then you see to their disgrace
They don’t have any underwear
Wearing nothing at all down there
Zonda pantaloon, uden undies
Nashi cami, fuera frillies
Bez briefs, No hose, senza smalls
Nicht knicks, Sans pants, bugger all
No thongs, panties or bloomers,
No knickers, big pants or drawers
Ilman, Gan, Sin, Uten, Utan, without
The dirty little minx’s are wearing nout
SPECIAL DELIVERY
There stood I, naked, in phallic splendour
Ready to give service roughly or tender
Suitably aroused for a service to render
“I have a special delivery here for Brenda”
And she marked it cruelly “Return to sender”
Thursday, 21 July 2011
GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS
BIG MO
Big Mo was engineered
To perfection
Designed for comfort
And consummate pleasure
From her long shapely legs,
Ample buttocks
And rolling hips
To her well filled blouse
Big Mo was
State of the art
A fast little number
With a fine racing chassis
Bodywork with Classic lines
Well upholstered
With a lush interior
A well run motor
Purrs like a kitten
When warmed up
When well oiled
Hot and racy
Naught to naked
In 30 seconds
Naught to naughty
All nightlong
GAYNOR
Gaynor was pretty enough
Not top draw or second rate
But apart from being common
Gaynor was unfortunately Jailbait
DEBBIE
I went out with a Debbie once
But most men of my generation
Have been out with a Debbie
It was hard to avoid any association
It was because of Debbie Reynolds
The actress from America
She was in “Singing in the Rain”
You know, Carrie Fishers Mother
They were hard to avoid anyway
They came in all shapes and sizes
Some were full of port and lemon
Some were full of surprises
But don’t think the name made
Debbie’s different to any other
I’m just bitter because my Debbie
Went off with my brother
BRENDA’S BUM
Brenda’s bum was the roundest
The most ethetically soundest
Being perfectly symetrical
Globular and spherical
And firm to the touch
Which I liked very much
So for me the number one
Was Brenda’s perfect bum
STEPHANIE
She was certainly a sight
To wet any appetite
Elegant and graceful
Understatedly sexual
Outshining the sex kittens
The vamps and the vixens
Mouth-wateringly tantalising
Deliciously appetising
All the time she was there
All eyes consumed her
She would grace any menu
At any type of venue
But her appearance was brief
She was but an aperitif
But she was surely a sight
To wet any appetite
BELINDA
I don’t have a foot fetish
I am not particularly into feet
But Belinda’s were perfection
Exquisitely small and neat
I’ve always thought feet ugly
I know mine are of that kind
But her perfect painted toes
Made me change my mind
CHARLIES LEGS
Charlie had fabulous legs
From ankle up to her thigh
And wrapped in black stocking
They really caught the eye
SALLY
Sally was a lovely girl,
The daughter of family friends
Our parents thought to interfere
To join us for the own ends
And being in Sally’s company
Was enjoyable and pleasing
We had always been close
Sharing jokes and teasing
But anything else than that
I would just have to resist her
For to have a sexual relationship
Would have been like bedding my sister
But I was relieved to find out
That Sally had told her mother
That it was simply immoral
To be expected to marry her brother
JUICY LUCY
Juicy Lucy
Game and goosey
Lucy loosey
What a watusi
Juicy Lucy
Loosey goosey
LAURA, LAURA
Laura, Laura
How I adore her
I saw her, Laura.
Laura with the Aura
I saw her with Cora,
The lovely Senora
What’s she doing for her?
Laura for the Senora
Ah she’s sharing her Aura
PANDORA
Ah there’s Pandora see?
Satisfying Laura Lee
And she doing it orally
DIRTY SUSIE
While dirty Susie
Was giving me a blow
She did so well
I almost let my load go
So I withdrew myself
From the abyss
Sucked at her tits
And gave her muff a kiss
Then I bent her over
For doggie kind
Then banged her snatch
From behind
GERTY
A young lady called Gerty
Is perky and flirty
Divertingly perty
And just down right dirty
MARTI
A young lady called Marti
Is vivacious and hearty
And just a bit tarty
But great fun at a party
Big Mo was engineered
To perfection
Designed for comfort
And consummate pleasure
From her long shapely legs,
Ample buttocks
And rolling hips
To her well filled blouse
Big Mo was
State of the art
A fast little number
With a fine racing chassis
Bodywork with Classic lines
Well upholstered
With a lush interior
A well run motor
Purrs like a kitten
When warmed up
When well oiled
Hot and racy
Naught to naked
In 30 seconds
Naught to naughty
All nightlong
GAYNOR
Gaynor was pretty enough
Not top draw or second rate
But apart from being common
Gaynor was unfortunately Jailbait
DEBBIE
I went out with a Debbie once
But most men of my generation
Have been out with a Debbie
It was hard to avoid any association
It was because of Debbie Reynolds
The actress from America
She was in “Singing in the Rain”
You know, Carrie Fishers Mother
They were hard to avoid anyway
They came in all shapes and sizes
Some were full of port and lemon
Some were full of surprises
But don’t think the name made
Debbie’s different to any other
I’m just bitter because my Debbie
Went off with my brother
BRENDA’S BUM
Brenda’s bum was the roundest
The most ethetically soundest
Being perfectly symetrical
Globular and spherical
And firm to the touch
Which I liked very much
So for me the number one
Was Brenda’s perfect bum
STEPHANIE
She was certainly a sight
To wet any appetite
Elegant and graceful
Understatedly sexual
Outshining the sex kittens
The vamps and the vixens
Mouth-wateringly tantalising
Deliciously appetising
All the time she was there
All eyes consumed her
She would grace any menu
At any type of venue
But her appearance was brief
She was but an aperitif
But she was surely a sight
To wet any appetite
BELINDA
I don’t have a foot fetish
I am not particularly into feet
But Belinda’s were perfection
Exquisitely small and neat
I’ve always thought feet ugly
I know mine are of that kind
But her perfect painted toes
Made me change my mind
CHARLIES LEGS
Charlie had fabulous legs
From ankle up to her thigh
And wrapped in black stocking
They really caught the eye
SALLY
Sally was a lovely girl,
The daughter of family friends
Our parents thought to interfere
To join us for the own ends
And being in Sally’s company
Was enjoyable and pleasing
We had always been close
Sharing jokes and teasing
But anything else than that
I would just have to resist her
For to have a sexual relationship
Would have been like bedding my sister
But I was relieved to find out
That Sally had told her mother
That it was simply immoral
To be expected to marry her brother
JUICY LUCY
Juicy Lucy
Game and goosey
Lucy loosey
What a watusi
Juicy Lucy
Loosey goosey
LAURA, LAURA
Laura, Laura
How I adore her
I saw her, Laura.
Laura with the Aura
I saw her with Cora,
The lovely Senora
What’s she doing for her?
Laura for the Senora
Ah she’s sharing her Aura
PANDORA
Ah there’s Pandora see?
Satisfying Laura Lee
And she doing it orally
DIRTY SUSIE
While dirty Susie
Was giving me a blow
She did so well
I almost let my load go
So I withdrew myself
From the abyss
Sucked at her tits
And gave her muff a kiss
Then I bent her over
For doggie kind
Then banged her snatch
From behind
GERTY
A young lady called Gerty
Is perky and flirty
Divertingly perty
And just down right dirty
MARTI
A young lady called Marti
Is vivacious and hearty
And just a bit tarty
But great fun at a party
EROTIC LINES
STRANGERS ON A TRAIN
She had blocked the corridor
And I had blocked her passage
And an enpasse had been reached
Which was not so easy to assuage
Eventually compromise reigned
And ground was conceided equally
And accomodations were reached
A curt embrace followed, continentaly
This led surpisingly to kissing
Then there was cuddling and huggage
And passions burned brighty
And we made love amongst the luggage
RELISHING THE MOMENT
If opportunity exposed
A glimse of stocking top
Before my licentious eyes.
Should my perusal stop?
Should I avert my gaze?
From a most pleasing sight
Or consider it serendipidous
And drink in the delight
THE FLIRTING AND THE FLAUNTING
We looked through the eyes of lovers
The flirting and the flaunting passed
The want and need self evident
Then I was kissing her
Urgently with burning passion
And her response matched my intensity
As her passion deepened
She tore at my clothes, and I at hers
Then in our nakedness
Came the toying and teasing
Her fingers on me caressing and stroking
Mine on her touching and penertrating
Then I consumed her eager flesh
In its tender succulence
Like a ravenous beast
We made love like never before
Till we lay spent in our disgrace
IN THE PALM OF HER HAND
She holds me in the palm of her hand
In a literal sense, body and soul
Her fingers wrap around me
And she tugs on me roughly
Playing with my shaft
Then faster and faster
Until I’m nearly there, then she stops
And she’s on her knees
Her mouth enveloping me
Working on me eagerly
But she plays with me
Getting me close then stopping
Then starting again, then again
Until I thought I was losing my mind
Then again she takes me to the abyss
Closer and closer and closer
Until I explode and then I am consumed
LANDSCAPE OF PLEASURE
My hands glide over her curves
And contours in a sensual exploration
Of the silken landscape
Her flesh tingles at my touch
Breathe starting to pant
Her nipples swell in arousal
Standing in sharp relief
I feel the glow of passion swell in me
And with nimble fingers
I explore her seat of musk
Then like a bee would visit a dewy rose
I sip nectar from her moist blossom
Drinking deeply of her labial delights
Before entering her portal of ecstasy
IN HER SILK NIGHTDRESS
In her silk nightdress
Each movement made the surface
Ripple like fresh milk
ON THE CUSP
I saw a girl, older,
And on the cusp of womanhood
Who would make me a man
A GENTLE CARESS AT THE NAPE
A gentle caress at the nape of my neck
A kiss smouldering upon the lips
Your gentle hands on my skin
Electricity passing from your fingertips
Your hands slide across my back
Down to my waist and then my hips
Only when we carnally entwine
Will we reach our ultimate eclipse
EBONY SILK
Her skin was like polished ebony
And was silken to the touch
Her breasts were equisitely formed
And the dusky tips stood proud
As they welcomed my mouth
My fingers carressed her soft belly
Slowly down to the coarse triangle
That stood sentinel
To the velvety prize beyond
PURE BLISS
Skin as pure
As fresh drawn milk
And to the touch
Velvet, satin and silk
No blemish
But for natures kiss
A beauty
Made for sensual bliss
I KISSED EVERY INCH
I kissed every inch
Of her sweet perfume skin
From the nape of her neck,
Collar bone and throat,
To each perfect breast
Across her soft belly
To her luscious loins
Where I consumed
Her sweet sensuality
EACH BREATH
Each stroke
Each caress
Brought more eager breath
Each gasp
Each pant
Made you more animate
Each sigh
Each moan
Changed your expressive tone
Each cry
Each scream
Lived in this erotic dream
Each whimper
Each exclaim
Led you to when you came
She had blocked the corridor
And I had blocked her passage
And an enpasse had been reached
Which was not so easy to assuage
Eventually compromise reigned
And ground was conceided equally
And accomodations were reached
A curt embrace followed, continentaly
This led surpisingly to kissing
Then there was cuddling and huggage
And passions burned brighty
And we made love amongst the luggage
RELISHING THE MOMENT
If opportunity exposed
A glimse of stocking top
Before my licentious eyes.
Should my perusal stop?
Should I avert my gaze?
From a most pleasing sight
Or consider it serendipidous
And drink in the delight
THE FLIRTING AND THE FLAUNTING
We looked through the eyes of lovers
The flirting and the flaunting passed
The want and need self evident
Then I was kissing her
Urgently with burning passion
And her response matched my intensity
As her passion deepened
She tore at my clothes, and I at hers
Then in our nakedness
Came the toying and teasing
Her fingers on me caressing and stroking
Mine on her touching and penertrating
Then I consumed her eager flesh
In its tender succulence
Like a ravenous beast
We made love like never before
Till we lay spent in our disgrace
IN THE PALM OF HER HAND
She holds me in the palm of her hand
In a literal sense, body and soul
Her fingers wrap around me
And she tugs on me roughly
Playing with my shaft
Then faster and faster
Until I’m nearly there, then she stops
And she’s on her knees
Her mouth enveloping me
Working on me eagerly
But she plays with me
Getting me close then stopping
Then starting again, then again
Until I thought I was losing my mind
Then again she takes me to the abyss
Closer and closer and closer
Until I explode and then I am consumed
LANDSCAPE OF PLEASURE
My hands glide over her curves
And contours in a sensual exploration
Of the silken landscape
Her flesh tingles at my touch
Breathe starting to pant
Her nipples swell in arousal
Standing in sharp relief
I feel the glow of passion swell in me
And with nimble fingers
I explore her seat of musk
Then like a bee would visit a dewy rose
I sip nectar from her moist blossom
Drinking deeply of her labial delights
Before entering her portal of ecstasy
IN HER SILK NIGHTDRESS
In her silk nightdress
Each movement made the surface
Ripple like fresh milk
ON THE CUSP
I saw a girl, older,
And on the cusp of womanhood
Who would make me a man
A GENTLE CARESS AT THE NAPE
A gentle caress at the nape of my neck
A kiss smouldering upon the lips
Your gentle hands on my skin
Electricity passing from your fingertips
Your hands slide across my back
Down to my waist and then my hips
Only when we carnally entwine
Will we reach our ultimate eclipse
EBONY SILK
Her skin was like polished ebony
And was silken to the touch
Her breasts were equisitely formed
And the dusky tips stood proud
As they welcomed my mouth
My fingers carressed her soft belly
Slowly down to the coarse triangle
That stood sentinel
To the velvety prize beyond
PURE BLISS
Skin as pure
As fresh drawn milk
And to the touch
Velvet, satin and silk
No blemish
But for natures kiss
A beauty
Made for sensual bliss
I KISSED EVERY INCH
I kissed every inch
Of her sweet perfume skin
From the nape of her neck,
Collar bone and throat,
To each perfect breast
Across her soft belly
To her luscious loins
Where I consumed
Her sweet sensuality
EACH BREATH
Each stroke
Each caress
Brought more eager breath
Each gasp
Each pant
Made you more animate
Each sigh
Each moan
Changed your expressive tone
Each cry
Each scream
Lived in this erotic dream
Each whimper
Each exclaim
Led you to when you came
Love Collection # 8
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (4)
From the Bell Rock Light House
And the North Sea swells
To the Newfoundland grand banks
Were the hardy seamen dwell
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because you’re my special mademoiselle
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (5)
I have stood in view of the Mongolian steppes
I have stood upon the Pacific Ocean shore
I have stood on Virginias Blue Ridge Mountains
I have looked from Cape St Vincent in awe
I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure
PLUVIAL SEATTLE
I am a sun worshipper by nature
An inclement climate doesn’t suit
But I love you with all my heart
You’re pretty and witty and cute
But now you’re off to Washington
You have decided to totally uproot
And relocate to Seattle of all places
A place of frequent rain by repute
So should I trade the Californian Sun?
For the long wet winter commutes
I worship you more than the sun
You’re pretty and witty and cute
So even Seattle’s pluvial reputation
Will not deter me from pursuit
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (6)
I have stood by the Anatolian salt springs
I have stood upon Lake Victoria’s shore
I have stood in the Himalayan Mountains
I have looked upon St Helens eruption in awe
I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure
CAUGHT IN THAT FIRST INSTANT
Caught in that first instant,
That first take, from a distance
There appeared from the Woodlands edge
A kind of low misty apparition
Almost like a cloud of drifting smoke
Emerging from the tree line
Of course when I got closer I realised
It was just the flowering Hawthorn
STAR-CROSSED WALKERS
A star-crossed couple in the park,
Walking hand in hand in the dark
They don’t care about wind and snow
They have a love to keep them aglow
I TRIED
I tried to win your heart
With every step and stride
With my every waking breath
My troth I fervently plied
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I let my heart be my guide
But “never in this world”
You disdainfully replied
You killed my love
With your callous amouricide
And you left me broken
When you cast me aside
I gambled and failed
And there was no place to hide
But I didn’t just try and fail
Sadly I tried and died
IT TOOK A MINUTE
It took a minute, or less,
To pick you from the crowd
Within an hour, I truly knew
What a special person you were
By the end of that first day
I had fallen in love with you
Now at the end of your last day I know
It will take a lifetime to forget you
From the Bell Rock Light House
And the North Sea swells
To the Newfoundland grand banks
Were the hardy seamen dwell
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because you’re my special mademoiselle
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (5)
I have stood in view of the Mongolian steppes
I have stood upon the Pacific Ocean shore
I have stood on Virginias Blue Ridge Mountains
I have looked from Cape St Vincent in awe
I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure
PLUVIAL SEATTLE
I am a sun worshipper by nature
An inclement climate doesn’t suit
But I love you with all my heart
You’re pretty and witty and cute
But now you’re off to Washington
You have decided to totally uproot
And relocate to Seattle of all places
A place of frequent rain by repute
So should I trade the Californian Sun?
For the long wet winter commutes
I worship you more than the sun
You’re pretty and witty and cute
So even Seattle’s pluvial reputation
Will not deter me from pursuit
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (6)
I have stood by the Anatolian salt springs
I have stood upon Lake Victoria’s shore
I have stood in the Himalayan Mountains
I have looked upon St Helens eruption in awe
I have seen many things in my long life
It is my plan to live to see many more
But I know I will never see more beauty
Now I stand beside you of that I’m sure
CAUGHT IN THAT FIRST INSTANT
Caught in that first instant,
That first take, from a distance
There appeared from the Woodlands edge
A kind of low misty apparition
Almost like a cloud of drifting smoke
Emerging from the tree line
Of course when I got closer I realised
It was just the flowering Hawthorn
STAR-CROSSED WALKERS
A star-crossed couple in the park,
Walking hand in hand in the dark
They don’t care about wind and snow
They have a love to keep them aglow
I TRIED
I tried to win your heart
With every step and stride
With my every waking breath
My troth I fervently plied
Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I let my heart be my guide
But “never in this world”
You disdainfully replied
You killed my love
With your callous amouricide
And you left me broken
When you cast me aside
I gambled and failed
And there was no place to hide
But I didn’t just try and fail
Sadly I tried and died
IT TOOK A MINUTE
It took a minute, or less,
To pick you from the crowd
Within an hour, I truly knew
What a special person you were
By the end of that first day
I had fallen in love with you
Now at the end of your last day I know
It will take a lifetime to forget you
Love Collection # 7
I’LL KEEP A CANDLE BURNING
I’ll keep a candle burning
In the porch window
I’ll keep it burning there
Through wind and rain and snow
I’ll keep it burning brightly
Just to let you know
That I still love you baby
And I don’t want to let you go
JUST ONE SIGHT
Just one sight is all
It takes and I can't sleep,
For dreaming of you
STUDY BUDDY
She was just my study buddy
She wasn’t anything to me
She just agreed to help me out
With physics and chemistry
She was just my study buddy
She wasn’t interesting to me
But I’m not sure how it happened
But now were doing biology
YOU ARE THE BEAUTY
You are the beauty,
The reason for my infatuation,
And my existence
I WILL ONLY GIVE MY LOVE
I will only give my love
To someone deserving, who
Will know its true value
IT ONLY TOOK
It only took a kiss and a smile
A slow walk down the aisle
And you changed my life
When you became my wife
CAUGHT IN THE SHADOWS
Caught in the shadows, tears,
My only true companion, trapped
In abject despair
UPON THE CHESSBOARD
Upon the chessboard
The pieces move
And change their futures
Their course and direction
And I want that
I want to make a move
In a different direction
Toward a different future
I will set a new course
And face what presents itself
There is nothing I can’t do
FALLING TOO EASILY
Falling too easily
Brings you only heartbreak
And bitter tears in the end
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (3)
From Scotland’s stormy western isles
To the land of the rising sun
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because for me you’re the only one
I’ll keep a candle burning
In the porch window
I’ll keep it burning there
Through wind and rain and snow
I’ll keep it burning brightly
Just to let you know
That I still love you baby
And I don’t want to let you go
JUST ONE SIGHT
Just one sight is all
It takes and I can't sleep,
For dreaming of you
STUDY BUDDY
She was just my study buddy
She wasn’t anything to me
She just agreed to help me out
With physics and chemistry
She was just my study buddy
She wasn’t interesting to me
But I’m not sure how it happened
But now were doing biology
YOU ARE THE BEAUTY
You are the beauty,
The reason for my infatuation,
And my existence
I WILL ONLY GIVE MY LOVE
I will only give my love
To someone deserving, who
Will know its true value
IT ONLY TOOK
It only took a kiss and a smile
A slow walk down the aisle
And you changed my life
When you became my wife
CAUGHT IN THE SHADOWS
Caught in the shadows, tears,
My only true companion, trapped
In abject despair
UPON THE CHESSBOARD
Upon the chessboard
The pieces move
And change their futures
Their course and direction
And I want that
I want to make a move
In a different direction
Toward a different future
I will set a new course
And face what presents itself
There is nothing I can’t do
FALLING TOO EASILY
Falling too easily
Brings you only heartbreak
And bitter tears in the end
EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (3)
From Scotland’s stormy western isles
To the land of the rising sun
I will follow you to the ends of the earth
Because for me you’re the only one
Love Collection # 6
SWEET JOANNE
Sweet Joanne
With the perfect tan
Consummate style
And the white toothed smile
Joanne so fair
With the brunette hair
Oh hear my plea
Won’t you please go out with me?
PRETTY LITTLE JO
Pretty Little Jo
You confuse me so
You are prettily petite
With size three feet
You are funny and quirky
And infectiously perky
You act just like a girl
In your ribbons and curls
But pretty little Jo
What confuses me so
Is when you speak
Your voice is too deep
FINE AS SILKEN THREAD
Fine as silken thread
Her hair shone like burnished
Gold, in the bright sunlight
A PERFECT CIRCLE
A perfect circle
Of love has enveloped me
An eternal circle
A TRUE LOVE
Our love is a true love,
An everlasting for-
ever love, our true love
WE ARE SEPARATE NOW
We are separate now,
Irrevocably apart
So why do you refuse
To leave my broken heart
I CHANGED ON THAT DAY
I changed on that day
For the whole world to see
When I asked you out
And you didn’t flee
You wernt rude to me
Or laugh hysterically
Instead you smiled
And then said yes to me
And I changed again
For the whole world to see
When I said I love you
And you said you loved me
A TANGLED WEB
A tangled web of
Lies, woven of jelous spite
Brought you solitude
SORRY IF YOU CAUGHT ME STARING
Sorry if you caught me staring
But it was your fault to be fair
I was bedazzled by your beauty
And your shock of flaming hair
So what else could I have done?
But stand open mouthed and stare
I WHISPERED
I whispered those three
Words to you and you replied,
But I love you more
Sweet Joanne
With the perfect tan
Consummate style
And the white toothed smile
Joanne so fair
With the brunette hair
Oh hear my plea
Won’t you please go out with me?
PRETTY LITTLE JO
Pretty Little Jo
You confuse me so
You are prettily petite
With size three feet
You are funny and quirky
And infectiously perky
You act just like a girl
In your ribbons and curls
But pretty little Jo
What confuses me so
Is when you speak
Your voice is too deep
FINE AS SILKEN THREAD
Fine as silken thread
Her hair shone like burnished
Gold, in the bright sunlight
A PERFECT CIRCLE
A perfect circle
Of love has enveloped me
An eternal circle
A TRUE LOVE
Our love is a true love,
An everlasting for-
ever love, our true love
WE ARE SEPARATE NOW
We are separate now,
Irrevocably apart
So why do you refuse
To leave my broken heart
I CHANGED ON THAT DAY
I changed on that day
For the whole world to see
When I asked you out
And you didn’t flee
You wernt rude to me
Or laugh hysterically
Instead you smiled
And then said yes to me
And I changed again
For the whole world to see
When I said I love you
And you said you loved me
A TANGLED WEB
A tangled web of
Lies, woven of jelous spite
Brought you solitude
SORRY IF YOU CAUGHT ME STARING
Sorry if you caught me staring
But it was your fault to be fair
I was bedazzled by your beauty
And your shock of flaming hair
So what else could I have done?
But stand open mouthed and stare
I WHISPERED
I whispered those three
Words to you and you replied,
But I love you more
Love Collection # 5
FILL ME UP
Without you in my life
My cup is an empty whim
Your love nourishes and fills
Me right up to the brim
ONLY WINDOW DRESSING
Lovely as you are,
Beauty is only window dressing,
Beauty lies within
PERFECT CLARITY
True beauty will only shine
With perfect clarity from
A heart full of kindness
THE FLAME OF PASSION
Promise me that you will
Let the flame of passion always
Burn within your heart
LONG AND LONELY NIGHTS
Without you at my side
All my nights are long and lonely,
And all my days are empty
THE BEAUTY OF HEAVEN
The clouds obscure each star
But the beauty of heavens array
Is just out of sight
VISIBLE IN THE CLARITY
How gently she smiled, with
Love visible in the clarity
Of her perfect green eyes
I COUNT MY BLESSINGS
I count my blessings
I count them twice
I thank the lord
For one so nice
I will always love you
Until the very end
You are my lover
My wife and my friend
ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET
I gave my heart, and put
All my eggs in one basket, but
I have no regrets
YOUR DELICATE HAND
Your delicate hand
Is pale, your finger perfect
To fit the golden band
Without you in my life
My cup is an empty whim
Your love nourishes and fills
Me right up to the brim
ONLY WINDOW DRESSING
Lovely as you are,
Beauty is only window dressing,
Beauty lies within
PERFECT CLARITY
True beauty will only shine
With perfect clarity from
A heart full of kindness
THE FLAME OF PASSION
Promise me that you will
Let the flame of passion always
Burn within your heart
LONG AND LONELY NIGHTS
Without you at my side
All my nights are long and lonely,
And all my days are empty
THE BEAUTY OF HEAVEN
The clouds obscure each star
But the beauty of heavens array
Is just out of sight
VISIBLE IN THE CLARITY
How gently she smiled, with
Love visible in the clarity
Of her perfect green eyes
I COUNT MY BLESSINGS
I count my blessings
I count them twice
I thank the lord
For one so nice
I will always love you
Until the very end
You are my lover
My wife and my friend
ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET
I gave my heart, and put
All my eggs in one basket, but
I have no regrets
YOUR DELICATE HAND
Your delicate hand
Is pale, your finger perfect
To fit the golden band
Love Collection # 4
LIVING ON THE DEFENSIVE
She told me that she loved me
And I didn't know how to react
I’m afraid to say I love her
I want to keep my heart intact
Is it time to let down my guard?
Should I tell her how I feel?
What if she is false or insincere
My heart may never heal
Should I expose my feelings?
Even though I feel insecure
But if I keep my feelings secret
Or wait until I am certain sure
I risk undermining her love
Blemishing it at its very start
And I could lose her love forever
And that would break my heart
WITH MY PETTY JEALOUSY
Sibilant whisperings
Greeted me
For it was I
Who stole their glee
The gathering
Looked upon me
As the architect
Of their misery
They could barely
Keep their hate inside
At this wedding
Without a bride
It was all my doing
With my petty jealousy
And with it in me
I had made her flee
HAPPINESS WAS THE HARBINGER
Happiness was the harbinger
Of my doom
Happy laughter echoed
In every joyful room
But we were too happy
That was our crime
The God’s couldn’t bear
To see us happy all the time
So they sent the angels
To take you from my side
They took your life
And left me dead inside
Sadness envelops me
As I kneel by your grave
I try to keep back the tears
I try my hardest to be brave
But they come anyway
My grief is unconfined
My dear sweet angel,
Resides with others of her kind
I curse the selfish Gods
For their spiteful jealousy
And pray to them also
To come soon and take me
NO MERE FRIPPERY
Though some thought her unworldly
I thought she was cute
I think not being wise in the ways of the world
Is an attractive trait
It left her with an air of innocence
Untainted by convention
Some thought her a mere frippery
I thought her beyond price
But I was in a minority of one
And to my great relief I found
She was overlooked by the rest
Which left this sweet curiosity
Exclusively to me
She was my Tulip in an onion field
My Daisy in a Rose boquet
She is now my constant companion
The love of my life
SHE’S THE BUTTERFLY KIND
She’s the butterfly kind
With a butterfly mind
Always moving she never sits
Her head is full of thoughts that flit
The butterfly miss
With the butterfly kiss
ENTWINED IN THE AFTERGLOW
Passions spent in our libidinous embrace
Loves contented glow upon her face
I feel safe lying entwined in the afterglow
But in the morn will love melt like April snow
Or will its strength sustain in longevity
Or shall we remark upon its easy brevity
I could lay here forever cocooned in eternal love
We are a perfect fit, the hand and the glove
But if it didn’t last forever I still had - this
Then gently on her soft flesh I leave a loving kiss
And I urged myself to live in the moment
And know that there I could be content
THE MARINERS TALE
Marked by the tides of love,
We almost breached the sea wall
Before our fortunes waned
And we began our Titanic fall
From the crest of a wave
To the depths of the deepest sea
Marks the rise and fall
Of the love between you and me
I CAN SEE YOU ARE BLESSED
I can see you are blessed
With love in your heart
I see it in your face
Radiant like a sunburst
The glow on your cheek
When he’s near you
And the clarity in your eyes
When you look at him
And that self satisfied smile
Of utter contentment
You are in love
Without a doubt
I can read you like a book
And I can see a love story
A LIVING DREAM
A living dream
Changes the moments
Of my everyday existance
Into a time of bliss.
MONOCHROME WORLD
Without you today
Everything is grey, your love
Coloured all my world
She told me that she loved me
And I didn't know how to react
I’m afraid to say I love her
I want to keep my heart intact
Is it time to let down my guard?
Should I tell her how I feel?
What if she is false or insincere
My heart may never heal
Should I expose my feelings?
Even though I feel insecure
But if I keep my feelings secret
Or wait until I am certain sure
I risk undermining her love
Blemishing it at its very start
And I could lose her love forever
And that would break my heart
WITH MY PETTY JEALOUSY
Sibilant whisperings
Greeted me
For it was I
Who stole their glee
The gathering
Looked upon me
As the architect
Of their misery
They could barely
Keep their hate inside
At this wedding
Without a bride
It was all my doing
With my petty jealousy
And with it in me
I had made her flee
HAPPINESS WAS THE HARBINGER
Happiness was the harbinger
Of my doom
Happy laughter echoed
In every joyful room
But we were too happy
That was our crime
The God’s couldn’t bear
To see us happy all the time
So they sent the angels
To take you from my side
They took your life
And left me dead inside
Sadness envelops me
As I kneel by your grave
I try to keep back the tears
I try my hardest to be brave
But they come anyway
My grief is unconfined
My dear sweet angel,
Resides with others of her kind
I curse the selfish Gods
For their spiteful jealousy
And pray to them also
To come soon and take me
NO MERE FRIPPERY
Though some thought her unworldly
I thought she was cute
I think not being wise in the ways of the world
Is an attractive trait
It left her with an air of innocence
Untainted by convention
Some thought her a mere frippery
I thought her beyond price
But I was in a minority of one
And to my great relief I found
She was overlooked by the rest
Which left this sweet curiosity
Exclusively to me
She was my Tulip in an onion field
My Daisy in a Rose boquet
She is now my constant companion
The love of my life
SHE’S THE BUTTERFLY KIND
She’s the butterfly kind
With a butterfly mind
Always moving she never sits
Her head is full of thoughts that flit
The butterfly miss
With the butterfly kiss
ENTWINED IN THE AFTERGLOW
Passions spent in our libidinous embrace
Loves contented glow upon her face
I feel safe lying entwined in the afterglow
But in the morn will love melt like April snow
Or will its strength sustain in longevity
Or shall we remark upon its easy brevity
I could lay here forever cocooned in eternal love
We are a perfect fit, the hand and the glove
But if it didn’t last forever I still had - this
Then gently on her soft flesh I leave a loving kiss
And I urged myself to live in the moment
And know that there I could be content
THE MARINERS TALE
Marked by the tides of love,
We almost breached the sea wall
Before our fortunes waned
And we began our Titanic fall
From the crest of a wave
To the depths of the deepest sea
Marks the rise and fall
Of the love between you and me
I CAN SEE YOU ARE BLESSED
I can see you are blessed
With love in your heart
I see it in your face
Radiant like a sunburst
The glow on your cheek
When he’s near you
And the clarity in your eyes
When you look at him
And that self satisfied smile
Of utter contentment
You are in love
Without a doubt
I can read you like a book
And I can see a love story
A LIVING DREAM
A living dream
Changes the moments
Of my everyday existance
Into a time of bliss.
MONOCHROME WORLD
Without you today
Everything is grey, your love
Coloured all my world
Love Collection # 3
RADIANCE AND BEAUTY
Radiance and beauty
Seeps out from your every pore,
Pure loveliness
I FEEL SUCH A LOVE
I feel such a love
Pulsating through my lonely heart
Rippling through my soul
WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO ME
When you sit next to me
The skies seem to brighten
I feel sunlight on my skin
And all my senses heighten
Just being in such close proximity
Makes my old heart lighten
Just imagine if you only knew me
Then I’d be as invisible as a titan
MIX AND MATCH
If only you could mix and match
To build the perfect girl
It would be great fun
I think I’ll give it a whirl
Bits may be out of proportion
She may look odd I guess
But she will only have eyes for me
And she will only answer yes
THE MOST PERFECT WOMAN
If I could make
The perfect wife
To keep with me
All of my life
If I was able to
Build the perfect one
I would chose Charlie’s legs
And Brenda’s bum
Laura’s breasts
And Eliza’s back
Annie’s arms
And Connie’s neck
Jenny’s hands
And Sarah’s toes
Cassie’s ears
And Karen’s nose
Maureen’s mouth
And Stephanie’s grin
Doreen’s hair
And Patricia’s skin
Charlotte’s voice
And Debbie’s eyes
Joanne’s teeth
And Susan’s thighs
Emma’s grace
And Christine’s hips
Diane’s heart
And Penny’s lips
If this was something
That I could do
She would still not
Be as good as you
A WASTED LOVE
Do you know why,
Even after all these years,
When I close my eyes
Its your face I see
Even after all these years
My thoughts are of you
My dreams are of you
Its because I still love you
And I am stuck
In this mind set
Of not being able to love another
While I’m still in love with you
It’s a wasted love
Because you moved on
When I could not
Your heart is cold to me
While mine still burns for you
I've known that for years
But I cannot break free
And when my eyelids close
You are there behind them
BENEATH THE MOONLIT SKY
Beneath the moonlit sky
I looked at a star and wished
Then later that moonlit night
Beneath the moon we kissed
SHADOW DWELLER
I have always been content
To live in the shadows
Avoiding the limelight
Keeping out of the sun
Living on the fringes of life
Bathing in the reflected glory of my peers
Living life vicariously
Keeping the world at arms length
And keeping a low profile
Laughing at other peoples jokes
Rejoicing in other peoples good fortune
Cheering on other peoples success
Crying at other peoples weddings
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Always the uncle, never the father
Always the friend, never the lover
And why not? no harm no foul
Its safe wrapping yourself in Clingfilm
Living a sterile life, protected
Against the pain and hurt
That fills the world
And I was more than happy to do it
And I thought myself the better for it
But now I realise
I am incomplete
I have lived a half-life
Taking no risks
Not opening my shell
By not exposing myself to the dangers
I have denied myself the pleasures
Well no more will I be content
I will no longer inhabit the shadows
No more will I view life from the fringes
I want to be blinded by the limelight
I want to walk in the sunlight
Before it’s too late to live a full life
IF ONLY YOU WERE HERE
If only you were here
So I didn’t miss you
If only you were here
So I could kiss you
If only I had been
Granted three wishes
Then I would wish you here
And cover you in kisses
LIVING IN THE SHADOWS
I finaly looked into the shadows
And saw where you live
Because I’ve reached the end
I have no more to give
I really loved you
And I thought you loved me
But it wasn’t love
That you wanted from me
You wanted control, of
My every thought and deed
You brow beat me and bullied
Until you got me to conceed
You've always been there
Behind my tears
Belittleing and undermining
Feeding off my fears
Deprecating me, correcting me
Telling me I’m wrong
Bleeding me until I am weak
Making yourself strong
But all those empty years
I just couldn’t see
I was blind to just how bad
You really were for me
But now my eyes are open
And I see the man within
Those dark days are behind me
And my new life can begin
LOVE STRUCK
It feels like only yesterday
That you first came in to view
And the world seemed to stand still
As I looked at you
It seems like only yesterday
That cupids arrow took flight
And struck me through the heart
And it was love at first sight
Radiance and beauty
Seeps out from your every pore,
Pure loveliness
I FEEL SUCH A LOVE
I feel such a love
Pulsating through my lonely heart
Rippling through my soul
WHEN YOU SIT NEXT TO ME
When you sit next to me
The skies seem to brighten
I feel sunlight on my skin
And all my senses heighten
Just being in such close proximity
Makes my old heart lighten
Just imagine if you only knew me
Then I’d be as invisible as a titan
MIX AND MATCH
If only you could mix and match
To build the perfect girl
It would be great fun
I think I’ll give it a whirl
Bits may be out of proportion
She may look odd I guess
But she will only have eyes for me
And she will only answer yes
THE MOST PERFECT WOMAN
If I could make
The perfect wife
To keep with me
All of my life
If I was able to
Build the perfect one
I would chose Charlie’s legs
And Brenda’s bum
Laura’s breasts
And Eliza’s back
Annie’s arms
And Connie’s neck
Jenny’s hands
And Sarah’s toes
Cassie’s ears
And Karen’s nose
Maureen’s mouth
And Stephanie’s grin
Doreen’s hair
And Patricia’s skin
Charlotte’s voice
And Debbie’s eyes
Joanne’s teeth
And Susan’s thighs
Emma’s grace
And Christine’s hips
Diane’s heart
And Penny’s lips
If this was something
That I could do
She would still not
Be as good as you
A WASTED LOVE
Do you know why,
Even after all these years,
When I close my eyes
Its your face I see
Even after all these years
My thoughts are of you
My dreams are of you
Its because I still love you
And I am stuck
In this mind set
Of not being able to love another
While I’m still in love with you
It’s a wasted love
Because you moved on
When I could not
Your heart is cold to me
While mine still burns for you
I've known that for years
But I cannot break free
And when my eyelids close
You are there behind them
BENEATH THE MOONLIT SKY
Beneath the moonlit sky
I looked at a star and wished
Then later that moonlit night
Beneath the moon we kissed
SHADOW DWELLER
I have always been content
To live in the shadows
Avoiding the limelight
Keeping out of the sun
Living on the fringes of life
Bathing in the reflected glory of my peers
Living life vicariously
Keeping the world at arms length
And keeping a low profile
Laughing at other peoples jokes
Rejoicing in other peoples good fortune
Cheering on other peoples success
Crying at other peoples weddings
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride
Always the uncle, never the father
Always the friend, never the lover
And why not? no harm no foul
Its safe wrapping yourself in Clingfilm
Living a sterile life, protected
Against the pain and hurt
That fills the world
And I was more than happy to do it
And I thought myself the better for it
But now I realise
I am incomplete
I have lived a half-life
Taking no risks
Not opening my shell
By not exposing myself to the dangers
I have denied myself the pleasures
Well no more will I be content
I will no longer inhabit the shadows
No more will I view life from the fringes
I want to be blinded by the limelight
I want to walk in the sunlight
Before it’s too late to live a full life
IF ONLY YOU WERE HERE
If only you were here
So I didn’t miss you
If only you were here
So I could kiss you
If only I had been
Granted three wishes
Then I would wish you here
And cover you in kisses
LIVING IN THE SHADOWS
I finaly looked into the shadows
And saw where you live
Because I’ve reached the end
I have no more to give
I really loved you
And I thought you loved me
But it wasn’t love
That you wanted from me
You wanted control, of
My every thought and deed
You brow beat me and bullied
Until you got me to conceed
You've always been there
Behind my tears
Belittleing and undermining
Feeding off my fears
Deprecating me, correcting me
Telling me I’m wrong
Bleeding me until I am weak
Making yourself strong
But all those empty years
I just couldn’t see
I was blind to just how bad
You really were for me
But now my eyes are open
And I see the man within
Those dark days are behind me
And my new life can begin
LOVE STRUCK
It feels like only yesterday
That you first came in to view
And the world seemed to stand still
As I looked at you
It seems like only yesterday
That cupids arrow took flight
And struck me through the heart
And it was love at first sight
LET YOUR WIND GO FREE
WINDY WILL
Blow, blow thou inner wind -
Thou art so unkind
As man's flatulence
Thy toot is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude
UNCONTAINABLE
The fetor of the sewerage farm
With its strong offensive smell
Could not be easily confined
Behind the high palings of its cell
A TRIBUTE TO LE PÉTOMANE
I got the tell tale sign
As I was stood in crowd
And I knew its containment
Would not be aloud
So what should I do?
Release a silent gaseous cloud
And slowly move away
Or just let rip long and loud
A fart of which
Le Pétomane would be proud
TRAPPED WIND
You feel the gripey twinge
Your tummy starts to grown
It always happens in the lift
When you’re not alone
You know it wont be held
You just hope there is time
To get off the lift
Before you commit the crime
And just when you think
You cant hold it anymore
The lift comes to a stop
Though its not your floor
But you decide to get off
As you cant hold it anymore
And release a quiet fart
As you step through the door
You sigh with relief
You made it just in time
And then the doors closes
On the scene of the crime
And even though
You’re on the wrong floor
You know your smelly fart
Is the otherside of the door
CALL FOR SETH
If you need a job doing
Then you need Seth
He is cold, deadly
And as ruthless as MacBeth
He strikes with a deadly puff
A foul satisfying breath
He is the flatulator
The noxious dealer of death
NOT WHAT IT SEEMS
Just because when you fart
It sounds like an angels breath
It doesn’t mean for a moment
That it will not smell like death
A FORCE OF NATURE
It may be like fabric tearing
Or maybe gunfire shooting
It maybe like a trumpet sounding
Or some other musical tooting
It may be like a despairing sigh
Or like a balloon deflating
It maybe like a duck quacking
Or some small mamals mating
But whether loud or soft
Short or long, musical or flat
There’s one thing for sure
You can’t keep it in so that’s that
AN AIR OF DISAPPROVAL
I am not embarrassed
When the trumpet sounds
Like when Joshua brought
Jericos walls falling down
But my wife feel differently
And her face does frown
When I happen to loudly fart
As we are walking in town
Blow, blow thou inner wind -
Thou art so unkind
As man's flatulence
Thy toot is not so keen,
Because thou art not seen,
Although thy breath be rude
UNCONTAINABLE
The fetor of the sewerage farm
With its strong offensive smell
Could not be easily confined
Behind the high palings of its cell
A TRIBUTE TO LE PÉTOMANE
I got the tell tale sign
As I was stood in crowd
And I knew its containment
Would not be aloud
So what should I do?
Release a silent gaseous cloud
And slowly move away
Or just let rip long and loud
A fart of which
Le Pétomane would be proud
TRAPPED WIND
You feel the gripey twinge
Your tummy starts to grown
It always happens in the lift
When you’re not alone
You know it wont be held
You just hope there is time
To get off the lift
Before you commit the crime
And just when you think
You cant hold it anymore
The lift comes to a stop
Though its not your floor
But you decide to get off
As you cant hold it anymore
And release a quiet fart
As you step through the door
You sigh with relief
You made it just in time
And then the doors closes
On the scene of the crime
And even though
You’re on the wrong floor
You know your smelly fart
Is the otherside of the door
CALL FOR SETH
If you need a job doing
Then you need Seth
He is cold, deadly
And as ruthless as MacBeth
He strikes with a deadly puff
A foul satisfying breath
He is the flatulator
The noxious dealer of death
NOT WHAT IT SEEMS
Just because when you fart
It sounds like an angels breath
It doesn’t mean for a moment
That it will not smell like death
A FORCE OF NATURE
It may be like fabric tearing
Or maybe gunfire shooting
It maybe like a trumpet sounding
Or some other musical tooting
It may be like a despairing sigh
Or like a balloon deflating
It maybe like a duck quacking
Or some small mamals mating
But whether loud or soft
Short or long, musical or flat
There’s one thing for sure
You can’t keep it in so that’s that
AN AIR OF DISAPPROVAL
I am not embarrassed
When the trumpet sounds
Like when Joshua brought
Jericos walls falling down
But my wife feel differently
And her face does frown
When I happen to loudly fart
As we are walking in town
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
LOVE COLLECTION # 2
THE GIFT
If I could, I would bring you such a gift
That would see your spirits lift
And up to heaven you would soar
So I could be with you once more
And I could tell you to let go
Let all the bitter tears flow
Like the late September rain
So that you can learn to love again
That is the gift that I would give
Because I want to see you live
WILL MY PLEA ABOVE
Will my plea above
To gladden and cheer
My ardent call for love
Fall on deafened ear
Is there not but one
Who will hear my plea
And fill me with joy
Please, please hear me
Don’t leave me all alone
Let me share my love
Please have mercy
Oh hear my plea above
Take heed of my plea
Just another soul to love
Gentle and replete
And as precious as a dove
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE
When you love someone
And you know that they love you,
When they speak your name
It no longer sounds the same
IT ISN’T LOVE
It isn’t love, when you kiss all the time
Lust is what that is
The bits in between the kissing
Now that’s where the love is
I LOVE YOU IS SOMETHING
”I love you” is something
You should only say
If you mean it
But if you mean it
When you say it
Say it all the time
In case she forgets it
THE END
I knew this time would come
I knew there would be an end
So don’t try to justify yourself
And no we can’t still be friends
LITTLE MARY
Little Mary
Neat and petite
A little angel
Short and sweet
Little Mary
Hold my hand
As we walk
Along the Strand
Little Mary
Give me a kiss
On your sweet lips
My little miss
Little Mary
Here’s my heart
Its not much
But it’s a start
Little Mary
Take my hand
Then you can wear
My wedding band
SILKEN
Beneath my fingers, Her
Skin, quivering, simpering,
Was like living silk
IS IT THE RIGHT TIME?
I’m not sure I’m ready to say it
But I know I really feel it
So I will tell you that I love you
And hope that you love me too
If I could, I would bring you such a gift
That would see your spirits lift
And up to heaven you would soar
So I could be with you once more
And I could tell you to let go
Let all the bitter tears flow
Like the late September rain
So that you can learn to love again
That is the gift that I would give
Because I want to see you live
WILL MY PLEA ABOVE
Will my plea above
To gladden and cheer
My ardent call for love
Fall on deafened ear
Is there not but one
Who will hear my plea
And fill me with joy
Please, please hear me
Don’t leave me all alone
Let me share my love
Please have mercy
Oh hear my plea above
Take heed of my plea
Just another soul to love
Gentle and replete
And as precious as a dove
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE
When you love someone
And you know that they love you,
When they speak your name
It no longer sounds the same
IT ISN’T LOVE
It isn’t love, when you kiss all the time
Lust is what that is
The bits in between the kissing
Now that’s where the love is
I LOVE YOU IS SOMETHING
”I love you” is something
You should only say
If you mean it
But if you mean it
When you say it
Say it all the time
In case she forgets it
THE END
I knew this time would come
I knew there would be an end
So don’t try to justify yourself
And no we can’t still be friends
LITTLE MARY
Little Mary
Neat and petite
A little angel
Short and sweet
Little Mary
Hold my hand
As we walk
Along the Strand
Little Mary
Give me a kiss
On your sweet lips
My little miss
Little Mary
Here’s my heart
Its not much
But it’s a start
Little Mary
Take my hand
Then you can wear
My wedding band
SILKEN
Beneath my fingers, Her
Skin, quivering, simpering,
Was like living silk
IS IT THE RIGHT TIME?
I’m not sure I’m ready to say it
But I know I really feel it
So I will tell you that I love you
And hope that you love me too
LOVE COLLECTION # 1
BUT DON’T TELL ME
I know you want to end it
But don’t tell me at the hotel
Don’t tell me at the café
I know I won’t take it well
Don’t tell me at the restaurant
Don’t tell me by the pool
Don’t tell me on the beach
Don’t make me look a fool
You can tell me in the ocean
And realise all my fears
Tell me as we swim in the sea
Then you won’t see my tears
ONLY SKIN DEEP
You are truly beautiful
But beauty is only skin deep
Isn’t that what they say?
Only skin deep?
But looking through my eyes
Who ever said those words
Would think that they
Now sound quite absurd
For to say of you
That beauty is just skin deep
Must stir the angels hearts
And make them weep
You are truly beautiful
To the core of your being
It’s not just your skin
That I am seeing
Your beauty emanates
From your soul,
Gracing every atom,
That makes the beautiful whole
From the marrow of your bones
It outwardly flows
So on your lustrous skin
Your beauty glows
I REMEMBER LINDA
I remember way back when,
And my first schoolboys crush
When just to look at Linda
Was like being hit with a sugar rush
I remember when she said
“I really like your shirt by the way”
Well I was so in love with her
That I wore that shirt every day
THAT’S LOVE THAT IS
My big sister really loves me
I know this because, you see
All her old clothes she gives to me
But that’s not all, I’ve just begun
Because when she is all done
She has to go and buy new ones
That’s love that is
WHEN WILL I REACH THE MAIN EVENT?
When will I reach the main event?
I’m tired of dainty canapés
I’ve had too many hors d'oeuvres
They are getting on my nerves
When will I reach the Entrée?
When will I meet the one I seek?
My life long dining companion
TOO OBVIOUS FOR ME
Every morning, I watched you
As you got on the bus with graceful ease
You skirt just the wrong side of modest
Your blouse low cut to tease
I never knew your name
You were just the flirt in a skirt
My friend was obsessed by you
But although I could look at you with lust
You were not for me, not quite my cup of tea
I liked the quiet girl, two seats in front
Who got on and off the bus unnoticed
Except of course for me, I saw her
And I knew her name, and I married her
FOURSOME
I’m in love with A
Alas she likes B
B fancies C
But C wants me
LONELY GIRL BY THE WINDOW
Lonely girl by the window
Looking out on the world
As ever alone in her room
By the window sits the girl
She watches from the window
As the world passes her by
As always alone in her room
She sits by the window and cries
Lonely girl by the window
Sits at the window and dreams
And hopes that life for her
Isn’t as despairing as it seems
She watches from the window
Wishing in her lonely solitude
With all the hope in her heart
That one day she will be rescued
SWEET LOVE SONG
Each word leaving
Your sweet lips
Is like a velvet caress
Your words are like poetry
Each syllable, honey coated
Every sentence
Dripping with nuance
The formed verses
Of loves refrain
All at once
Lightening my heart
And touching my soul
IN THE CLOUDLESS NIGHT SKY
In the cloudless night sky
Each star clear
In the heavens
Sparkling like sequins
On a ball gown
Are you there?
In heavens firmament
Are you the bright star?
The one more beautiful
Than its neighbour
A thing of beauty
As you once were
At my side
METICULOUSLY REHEARSED
I was prepared
I had it all planned out
Every word
Every gesture
Meticulously rehearsed
Till word perfect
I was prepared
For excitement
Unconfined joy
Tears of happiness
Words of love
And utter delight
I wasn’t prepared
For your reaction
Your unkind words
Your gestures
Tears of laughter
And utter rejection
WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?
When did it happen?
How did I not notice?
What distracted me?
Or have I been blind
Where did she go?
The awkward girl of yesterday
Where is that ungainly creature?
When did you become a woman?
Have I been blind all this time?
When did you bloom into woman hood?
When I looked away
You were an ugly duckling
When I looked back
A bird of paradise
When did you become so beautiful?
I know you want to end it
But don’t tell me at the hotel
Don’t tell me at the café
I know I won’t take it well
Don’t tell me at the restaurant
Don’t tell me by the pool
Don’t tell me on the beach
Don’t make me look a fool
You can tell me in the ocean
And realise all my fears
Tell me as we swim in the sea
Then you won’t see my tears
ONLY SKIN DEEP
You are truly beautiful
But beauty is only skin deep
Isn’t that what they say?
Only skin deep?
But looking through my eyes
Who ever said those words
Would think that they
Now sound quite absurd
For to say of you
That beauty is just skin deep
Must stir the angels hearts
And make them weep
You are truly beautiful
To the core of your being
It’s not just your skin
That I am seeing
Your beauty emanates
From your soul,
Gracing every atom,
That makes the beautiful whole
From the marrow of your bones
It outwardly flows
So on your lustrous skin
Your beauty glows
I REMEMBER LINDA
I remember way back when,
And my first schoolboys crush
When just to look at Linda
Was like being hit with a sugar rush
I remember when she said
“I really like your shirt by the way”
Well I was so in love with her
That I wore that shirt every day
THAT’S LOVE THAT IS
My big sister really loves me
I know this because, you see
All her old clothes she gives to me
But that’s not all, I’ve just begun
Because when she is all done
She has to go and buy new ones
That’s love that is
WHEN WILL I REACH THE MAIN EVENT?
When will I reach the main event?
I’m tired of dainty canapés
I’ve had too many hors d'oeuvres
They are getting on my nerves
When will I reach the Entrée?
When will I meet the one I seek?
My life long dining companion
TOO OBVIOUS FOR ME
Every morning, I watched you
As you got on the bus with graceful ease
You skirt just the wrong side of modest
Your blouse low cut to tease
I never knew your name
You were just the flirt in a skirt
My friend was obsessed by you
But although I could look at you with lust
You were not for me, not quite my cup of tea
I liked the quiet girl, two seats in front
Who got on and off the bus unnoticed
Except of course for me, I saw her
And I knew her name, and I married her
FOURSOME
I’m in love with A
Alas she likes B
B fancies C
But C wants me
LONELY GIRL BY THE WINDOW
Lonely girl by the window
Looking out on the world
As ever alone in her room
By the window sits the girl
She watches from the window
As the world passes her by
As always alone in her room
She sits by the window and cries
Lonely girl by the window
Sits at the window and dreams
And hopes that life for her
Isn’t as despairing as it seems
She watches from the window
Wishing in her lonely solitude
With all the hope in her heart
That one day she will be rescued
SWEET LOVE SONG
Each word leaving
Your sweet lips
Is like a velvet caress
Your words are like poetry
Each syllable, honey coated
Every sentence
Dripping with nuance
The formed verses
Of loves refrain
All at once
Lightening my heart
And touching my soul
IN THE CLOUDLESS NIGHT SKY
In the cloudless night sky
Each star clear
In the heavens
Sparkling like sequins
On a ball gown
Are you there?
In heavens firmament
Are you the bright star?
The one more beautiful
Than its neighbour
A thing of beauty
As you once were
At my side
METICULOUSLY REHEARSED
I was prepared
I had it all planned out
Every word
Every gesture
Meticulously rehearsed
Till word perfect
I was prepared
For excitement
Unconfined joy
Tears of happiness
Words of love
And utter delight
I wasn’t prepared
For your reaction
Your unkind words
Your gestures
Tears of laughter
And utter rejection
WHEN DID IT HAPPEN?
When did it happen?
How did I not notice?
What distracted me?
Or have I been blind
Where did she go?
The awkward girl of yesterday
Where is that ungainly creature?
When did you become a woman?
Have I been blind all this time?
When did you bloom into woman hood?
When I looked away
You were an ugly duckling
When I looked back
A bird of paradise
When did you become so beautiful?
Monday, 27 June 2011
THE SEVENTIES
If the 60s was the decade of dreams
Then the 1970’s was the decade of nightmares
It was the decade when
The German hex over England began
As in the heat of Mexico, in 1970
They knocked us out of the World Cup,
And it all went downhill from there
The defeat to Germany
Was to be England’s last appearance
In the World Cup Finals for 12 years.
The following year saw Arsenal,
The team we all love to hate,
Do the League and cup double.
1972 saw me enter the work place
And I’ve been there ever since, but I’m not bitter.
1973 was a mixed year
Manchester United were relegated to division 2,
The Washington Redskins lost in the Superbowl
And a significant other entered my life.
1974 United won promotion as champions
But Liverpool won the FA Cup and they blossomed
Into a force that would dominate for years to come.
The following year Liverpool won the league title
In 1976 Southampton beat United in the cup final,
All the worse as my future father in law was a saint’s fan
The high point of the decade came in 77 when
United won the FA Cup, beating Liverpool 2-1
Normal service resumed for 1978
As I discovered there was more to girls
Than holding hands and stealing kisses.
And that they very definitely weren’t,
All sugar and spice and all thing nice
My significant other left me for an accountant,
Who supported Luton Town,
And to add insult onto injury was ginger
1979 United lost in the Cup Final to Arsenal
And so ended the decade of disappointments
When the only thing naffer than the music
Were the 70’s fashions
The decade that didn’t even have style
Or a decent musical accompaniment
The 70’s when dreams turned to nightmares
Then the 1970’s was the decade of nightmares
It was the decade when
The German hex over England began
As in the heat of Mexico, in 1970
They knocked us out of the World Cup,
And it all went downhill from there
The defeat to Germany
Was to be England’s last appearance
In the World Cup Finals for 12 years.
The following year saw Arsenal,
The team we all love to hate,
Do the League and cup double.
1972 saw me enter the work place
And I’ve been there ever since, but I’m not bitter.
1973 was a mixed year
Manchester United were relegated to division 2,
The Washington Redskins lost in the Superbowl
And a significant other entered my life.
1974 United won promotion as champions
But Liverpool won the FA Cup and they blossomed
Into a force that would dominate for years to come.
The following year Liverpool won the league title
In 1976 Southampton beat United in the cup final,
All the worse as my future father in law was a saint’s fan
The high point of the decade came in 77 when
United won the FA Cup, beating Liverpool 2-1
Normal service resumed for 1978
As I discovered there was more to girls
Than holding hands and stealing kisses.
And that they very definitely weren’t,
All sugar and spice and all thing nice
My significant other left me for an accountant,
Who supported Luton Town,
And to add insult onto injury was ginger
1979 United lost in the Cup Final to Arsenal
And so ended the decade of disappointments
When the only thing naffer than the music
Were the 70’s fashions
The decade that didn’t even have style
Or a decent musical accompaniment
The 70’s when dreams turned to nightmares
THE SIXTIES
The sixties, what a decade
I was only five, when in 1960
The Beatles hit the scene
And the following year
JFK took office as President
In 1962 a very significant appointment,
That of Alf Ramsey as England Manager,
Who brought us the Wingless Wonders.
The reborn Manchester United
Rising phoenix like from the ashes of Munich
Won the FA Cup in 1963.
In 1964 I held hands with Carole Duffy,
A very wonderful event at the time,
1965 saw United win the League title
And the mini skirt first appeared
The latter was less significant when I was 10
Then in 66 England won the world cup
(And yes the ball did cross the line)
United won the League again the following year
And then fulfilling the dream,
So cruelly crushed 10 years before,
Manchester United won the European cup in 1968.
1969 was famously the year
That Linda McMahon first kissed me
Oh and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
For me it was a decade of dreams coming true
A time when I thought life just couldn’t get any better
And I was right, because then came the 70s
I was only five, when in 1960
The Beatles hit the scene
And the following year
JFK took office as President
In 1962 a very significant appointment,
That of Alf Ramsey as England Manager,
Who brought us the Wingless Wonders.
The reborn Manchester United
Rising phoenix like from the ashes of Munich
Won the FA Cup in 1963.
In 1964 I held hands with Carole Duffy,
A very wonderful event at the time,
1965 saw United win the League title
And the mini skirt first appeared
The latter was less significant when I was 10
Then in 66 England won the world cup
(And yes the ball did cross the line)
United won the League again the following year
And then fulfilling the dream,
So cruelly crushed 10 years before,
Manchester United won the European cup in 1968.
1969 was famously the year
That Linda McMahon first kissed me
Oh and Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
For me it was a decade of dreams coming true
A time when I thought life just couldn’t get any better
And I was right, because then came the 70s
WHAT I WANT YOU TO WEAR
I’m looking forward to our date
I hope you dress appropriately
A dress would be nice,
If not a loose fitting top
And skirt, flared,
Its more flattering,
Nothing figure hugger
And definitely no trousers
Stockings obviously, not tights
I don’t want your bum to look like robber
Garters are acceptable,
A nice lacy ring
Suspenders would be better
I like to ping
A bra, if you must
Nothing too fiddly
Front loading is ok
As long as it’s obvious
I hope you’re wearing granny pants
I’m not a fan of thongs
Or anything tight
Granny pants are quick release
And I want you bare arsed ASAP
That’s how I want the evening to end
I hope you dress appropriately
A dress would be nice,
If not a loose fitting top
And skirt, flared,
Its more flattering,
Nothing figure hugger
And definitely no trousers
Stockings obviously, not tights
I don’t want your bum to look like robber
Garters are acceptable,
A nice lacy ring
Suspenders would be better
I like to ping
A bra, if you must
Nothing too fiddly
Front loading is ok
As long as it’s obvious
I hope you’re wearing granny pants
I’m not a fan of thongs
Or anything tight
Granny pants are quick release
And I want you bare arsed ASAP
That’s how I want the evening to end
THE RELUCTANT VOYEUR
It was a hot summer day,
Carrie was home from uni
And sitting in the shade,
She couldn’t abide the sun,
Hidden from view
In a quite corner of the garden
Lost in solitary thought
When stepmother Julie
Walked out from the house,
The garden being very private,
And Carrie not due back till later
Julie thought she was alone.
Carrie was about to say hello
When Julie slipped off her dress
To stand naked on the lawn
Arms stretched above her head
She pirouetted like a ballerina
Showing her self off
To her secluded surroundings,
Celebrating her nakedness
Offering herself to the sun
Then she lay down on a blanket
Carrie was again about to speak
But found herself unable
She was mesmerized
By the tableaux before her,
And a little arroused
Which surprised her
Not being so inclined
Not being of that persuasion
She was no disciple of Sappho
But what harm could it do, to look
With no fear of discovery
She was a reluctant voyeur
But the opportunity presented itself
And she took it
Where was the harm
Watching a beautiful woman
Sunbathe naked
But then Julie started to touch
And caress her nakedness
At first Carrie looked away
Slightly embarrassed
But her curiosity drew her back
And her arousal heightened
Growing deeper with each stroke
And when Julie’s body arched in climax
Carrie let out an audile squeal
Julie glanced over in her direction
And their eyes met and Julie smiled
Then she beckoned to Carrie
A wordless invitation to join her
She arose from her place of hiding
And walked slowly to her step mum
Where for the first time
Carrie enjoyed Sapphos sweet embrace
Carrie was home from uni
And sitting in the shade,
She couldn’t abide the sun,
Hidden from view
In a quite corner of the garden
Lost in solitary thought
When stepmother Julie
Walked out from the house,
The garden being very private,
And Carrie not due back till later
Julie thought she was alone.
Carrie was about to say hello
When Julie slipped off her dress
To stand naked on the lawn
Arms stretched above her head
She pirouetted like a ballerina
Showing her self off
To her secluded surroundings,
Celebrating her nakedness
Offering herself to the sun
Then she lay down on a blanket
Carrie was again about to speak
But found herself unable
She was mesmerized
By the tableaux before her,
And a little arroused
Which surprised her
Not being so inclined
Not being of that persuasion
She was no disciple of Sappho
But what harm could it do, to look
With no fear of discovery
She was a reluctant voyeur
But the opportunity presented itself
And she took it
Where was the harm
Watching a beautiful woman
Sunbathe naked
But then Julie started to touch
And caress her nakedness
At first Carrie looked away
Slightly embarrassed
But her curiosity drew her back
And her arousal heightened
Growing deeper with each stroke
And when Julie’s body arched in climax
Carrie let out an audile squeal
Julie glanced over in her direction
And their eyes met and Julie smiled
Then she beckoned to Carrie
A wordless invitation to join her
She arose from her place of hiding
And walked slowly to her step mum
Where for the first time
Carrie enjoyed Sapphos sweet embrace
Monday, 20 June 2011
SENIOR MOMENTS
I TOOK HIM TO THE MOUNTAIN
I took my grandson
Up into the mountains
We walked for three hours
Until we reached a vantage point
And we sat and looked in awe
At Gods majestic landscape
My intention was to impart some wisdom
To my young grandson
About how he was at the startline
And I had the finish line in sight
But I didn’t in the end
It was only when we had hiked
For three hours down the mountain
That I remembered
Why we went up there in the first place
SENIOR SPEED
People speed
For many reasons
Some are disorganised,
Some are late,
Some are impatient,
Some have no sense of direction,
For some it’s an emergency
That fuels their urgency
But for me, as a retiree
I have to drive fast
To get there before I forget
Where it is I’m going
YOUNG AT HEART
Young at heart
Well that’s a start
You’re only as old as you feel
Isn’t that the deal?
Well in my heart I feel young
But when all said and done
Being young at heart, let’s face it
Still means you’re older in other places
RETIRED?
I was tired yesterday
And I’m tired again today
That makes me re-tired I’d say
HAPPY HOURS
I always liked happy hour
Well when I was a younger chap
Now at my age I’m afraid
Happy hour is taking a little nap
CRS
I’ve been diagnosed with CRS
Yes I think that’s it
I forget what it means
Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”
BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD
Do you know why it is?
That old people like to keep a pet
Is it for the exercise?
Or a bit of company, better yet
Well the truth of it is
And this will leave you all agog
It’s so when they bend down and break wind
They can blame it on the dog
SENIOR DILEMMA
Why is it that as I get older
My brain cells are dying
But my fat cells
Just keep on multiplying
SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE
There are benefits to getting old
Though you may feel you are cursed
But just remember in a hostage situation
You are likely to be released first
SENIOR CONVERSE
You should not as a general rule
Engage in converse in anyway
With one or more retirees
On almost any given day
Because they have nothing
But time to fill their day
Which they use in short
To think of silly things to say
A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT
Since I happily retired
I have the reason and rhyme
To devote to my hobbies
So I spend most of my time
In the pursuit of exellence
And just in my spare time
I have perfected the art
Of converting beer and wine
Incredibly quickly
Into pure golden urine
HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS
I have come to the conclusion
That old age just isn’t fair
You know sometimes I find myself
Standing halfway up the stairs
Wondering if I was going up
Or coming back down from there
GROWTH SPURTS
When I was in my teens
I was regarded as unusual
Due to the rapid speed
I was extending in the vertical
But that was long ago
And my height now is more usual
But some unseen force is at work
And I’m growing horizontal
EASTER EGG HUNT
When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia
ACT OF MERCY
I have always told my children
And I told them again last night, quite late
That I didn’t want to live
In a vegetative state
To be given fluids from a bottle,
Dependent on a machine, no matter how up to date
So they took away my glass of wine
And unplugged my computer, the ingrates
I took my grandson
Up into the mountains
We walked for three hours
Until we reached a vantage point
And we sat and looked in awe
At Gods majestic landscape
My intention was to impart some wisdom
To my young grandson
About how he was at the startline
And I had the finish line in sight
But I didn’t in the end
It was only when we had hiked
For three hours down the mountain
That I remembered
Why we went up there in the first place
SENIOR SPEED
People speed
For many reasons
Some are disorganised,
Some are late,
Some are impatient,
Some have no sense of direction,
For some it’s an emergency
That fuels their urgency
But for me, as a retiree
I have to drive fast
To get there before I forget
Where it is I’m going
YOUNG AT HEART
Young at heart
Well that’s a start
You’re only as old as you feel
Isn’t that the deal?
Well in my heart I feel young
But when all said and done
Being young at heart, let’s face it
Still means you’re older in other places
RETIRED?
I was tired yesterday
And I’m tired again today
That makes me re-tired I’d say
HAPPY HOURS
I always liked happy hour
Well when I was a younger chap
Now at my age I’m afraid
Happy hour is taking a little nap
CRS
I’ve been diagnosed with CRS
Yes I think that’s it
I forget what it means
Oh yes “Can’t remember shit”
BREAKING NEWS ABOUT THE OLD
Do you know why it is?
That old people like to keep a pet
Is it for the exercise?
Or a bit of company, better yet
Well the truth of it is
And this will leave you all agog
It’s so when they bend down and break wind
They can blame it on the dog
SENIOR DILEMMA
Why is it that as I get older
My brain cells are dying
But my fat cells
Just keep on multiplying
SENIOR BRIGHT SIDE
There are benefits to getting old
Though you may feel you are cursed
But just remember in a hostage situation
You are likely to be released first
SENIOR CONVERSE
You should not as a general rule
Engage in converse in anyway
With one or more retirees
On almost any given day
Because they have nothing
But time to fill their day
Which they use in short
To think of silly things to say
A WORTHWHILE PURSUIT
Since I happily retired
I have the reason and rhyme
To devote to my hobbies
So I spend most of my time
In the pursuit of exellence
And just in my spare time
I have perfected the art
Of converting beer and wine
Incredibly quickly
Into pure golden urine
HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS
I have come to the conclusion
That old age just isn’t fair
You know sometimes I find myself
Standing halfway up the stairs
Wondering if I was going up
Or coming back down from there
GROWTH SPURTS
When I was in my teens
I was regarded as unusual
Due to the rapid speed
I was extending in the vertical
But that was long ago
And my height now is more usual
But some unseen force is at work
And I’m growing horizontal
EASTER EGG HUNT
When it comes to hiding the eggs
In the garden at Easter
I can actually hide my own now
Thanks to Dementia
ACT OF MERCY
I have always told my children
And I told them again last night, quite late
That I didn’t want to live
In a vegetative state
To be given fluids from a bottle,
Dependent on a machine, no matter how up to date
So they took away my glass of wine
And unplugged my computer, the ingrates
GENERALLY FUNNY
LIGHT ON HIS FETE
My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest
THE LYNX EFFECT
I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it
DIPLOMACY
Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to
I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED
I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated
WHEN I DIE
When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end
MARGE AT LARGE
Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large
THE SPICE OF LIFE
In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners
ALPEN DANGER
My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli
TANGO’D
It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin
AMAZONIAN SPIDER
My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay
Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop
But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web
APPLE FAUX PAS
Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids
ALAS POOR HAMLET
Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;
KIDDIE FIDDLER
Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school
911
I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad
MISUNDERSTAND INN
Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding
It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration
I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled
To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”
STEALING AN EMBRACE
If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting
THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS
The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion
THE NEW A-TEAM
I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more
Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Musseltoff
DOOR STEPPING
There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet
They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness
MARATHON MAN
I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why
ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN
All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster
ELECTORAL LAW
It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection
Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick
FULHAM’S FOLLY
Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad
NOT QUITE A CYCLONE
My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak
THE HABITS OF RABBITS
The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope
TRAGIC CARPET RIDE
An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof
HADRIAN’S WALL
The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt
THAT LIVED IN LOOK
To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick
THE RIGHT WEATHER
If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms
FAMILY INSURANCE
Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you
CRISP ETIQUETTE
The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles
THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES
Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise
The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD
EURO SURVEY
There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro
NEW CHEESE
I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok
I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”
COMPELLING READING
I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down
CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY
I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”
BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER
I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”
LET’S SPLIT
I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”
BOOKING OFFICE
I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”
AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER
I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat
LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG
I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way
REVERSE MODE
Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed
SAY?
I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say
WISING UP
My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise
SACKED
I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated
I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing
A PRESSING OCCUPATION
The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed
EASILY IMPRESSED
The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed
IN THE EVENT OF ???
When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site
A QUESTION OF BALDING
My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?
SECULAR EDUCATION
The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer
70’S MUSICAL DESERT
The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all
POLTERGEIST?
Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese
FREAKISH
Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms
DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play
SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today
INVERSE
My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled
REPEAT OFFENDER
It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes
My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest
THE LYNX EFFECT
I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it
DIPLOMACY
Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to
I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED
I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated
WHEN I DIE
When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end
MARGE AT LARGE
Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large
THE SPICE OF LIFE
In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners
ALPEN DANGER
My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli
TANGO’D
It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin
AMAZONIAN SPIDER
My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay
Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop
But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web
APPLE FAUX PAS
Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids
ALAS POOR HAMLET
Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;
KIDDIE FIDDLER
Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school
911
I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad
MISUNDERSTAND INN
Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding
It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration
I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled
To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”
STEALING AN EMBRACE
If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting
THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS
The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion
THE NEW A-TEAM
I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more
Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Musseltoff
DOOR STEPPING
There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet
They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness
MARATHON MAN
I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why
ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN
All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster
ELECTORAL LAW
It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection
Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick
FULHAM’S FOLLY
Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad
NOT QUITE A CYCLONE
My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak
THE HABITS OF RABBITS
The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope
TRAGIC CARPET RIDE
An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof
HADRIAN’S WALL
The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt
THAT LIVED IN LOOK
To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick
THE RIGHT WEATHER
If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms
FAMILY INSURANCE
Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you
CRISP ETIQUETTE
The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles
THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES
Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise
The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD
EURO SURVEY
There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro
NEW CHEESE
I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok
I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”
COMPELLING READING
I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down
CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY
I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”
BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER
I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”
LET’S SPLIT
I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”
BOOKING OFFICE
I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”
AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER
I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat
LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG
I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way
REVERSE MODE
Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed
SAY?
I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say
WISING UP
My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise
SACKED
I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated
I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing
A PRESSING OCCUPATION
The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed
EASILY IMPRESSED
The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed
IN THE EVENT OF ???
When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site
A QUESTION OF BALDING
My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?
SECULAR EDUCATION
The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer
70’S MUSICAL DESERT
The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all
POLTERGEIST?
Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese
FREAKISH
Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms
DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play
SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today
INVERSE
My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled
REPEAT OFFENDER
It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes
SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS
DATING PREMISE
When a man puts on his cologne
And a woman puts on perfume
The intention is not primarily
To smell each other I presume
THE MORNING AFTER
After a wild drunken night
Of drink, drugs and animal sex
I awoke the next morning
And after finding my specs
I realised I was in bed
With the ugliest of women
And made a resigned sigh
Knowing I’d made it home then
CANT LIVE WITHOUT VIV
I really love my new girlfriend
I think she came to me from heaven
And I never want to be with out her
So I’m going to oblivion with Vivian
LIFE LESSON
When I was young, life was full of riches
Then I discovered women could be bitches
And some even gave you embarrassing itches
IT’S NOT HIP
Don’t get your hip tattooed
Because at the risk of being rude
It doesn’t look cool or chic
And it’ll make you look cheap
THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES
Flies spread many diseases
That are diagnosed
So for the sake of public health
Keep yours closed
FALLEN FROM GRACE
When the Vicar and the fallen woman
Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked
Then afterwards the woman was denounced
And the amorous clergymen was defrocked
But I should say that the word on the ground
Is, we’d have liked it better the other way round
IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1
If you were asked the question
How do you get a big girl into bed?
Would you try to be PC?
Or say “A piece of cake” instead
I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN
If you have begun to tire
Of being the object of men’s desire
Not of being attractive per se
But of being hit on every day
But short of becoming reclusive
Which is of course not conducive
There is little to do but improvise
And swat the insects like they are flies
THE STICK INSECT
My sister is very thin
In fact she’s a stick insect
Straight up and down
Viewed from any aspect
If she didn’t wear glasses
Before embracing
No one would know
Which way she was facing
MY MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND
My man is my best friend
He listens to me,
Enables me,
Reassures me,
Inspires me,
He makes me feel special
He makes me feel sexy
He understands me
He is in touch with my feelings
My man is my best friend?
Is he bollocks
Gordon’s is my best friend
Give me another gin and tonic
THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS
A big tattooed hairy biker
Noticed as he was riding by
A girl stood on the ledge,
Of a bridge way up high.
The biker stopped his bike
And asked the girl why
She was stood on the ledge
“I’m going to jump” was her reply
He shook his head in disbelief
That she would want to die
So he made her a proposition
Before you commit suicide
Give me a kiss, pretty miss
Give me a kiss as your goodbye
The little miss agreed to the kiss
A kiss to be remembered by
So the biker and the pretty miss
Engaged in a kiss of goodbye
An embrace of passionate fire
That seemed to lift them up high
When it was over and they parted
The biker said “my oh my oh my
That was the best kiss I ever had
And you want to commit suicide why?
You can kiss so well, what a waste
Tell me why do you want to die?”
“That’s easy, my parents don’t like me
Dressing as a girl,” she replied
When a man puts on his cologne
And a woman puts on perfume
The intention is not primarily
To smell each other I presume
THE MORNING AFTER
After a wild drunken night
Of drink, drugs and animal sex
I awoke the next morning
And after finding my specs
I realised I was in bed
With the ugliest of women
And made a resigned sigh
Knowing I’d made it home then
CANT LIVE WITHOUT VIV
I really love my new girlfriend
I think she came to me from heaven
And I never want to be with out her
So I’m going to oblivion with Vivian
LIFE LESSON
When I was young, life was full of riches
Then I discovered women could be bitches
And some even gave you embarrassing itches
IT’S NOT HIP
Don’t get your hip tattooed
Because at the risk of being rude
It doesn’t look cool or chic
And it’ll make you look cheap
THE TROUBLE WITH FLIES
Flies spread many diseases
That are diagnosed
So for the sake of public health
Keep yours closed
FALLEN FROM GRACE
When the Vicar and the fallen woman
Were discovered in embrace, I was shocked
Then afterwards the woman was denounced
And the amorous clergymen was defrocked
But I should say that the word on the ground
Is, we’d have liked it better the other way round
IF YOU WERE ASKED THE QUESTION # 1
If you were asked the question
How do you get a big girl into bed?
Would you try to be PC?
Or say “A piece of cake” instead
I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN AGAIN
If you have begun to tire
Of being the object of men’s desire
Not of being attractive per se
But of being hit on every day
But short of becoming reclusive
Which is of course not conducive
There is little to do but improvise
And swat the insects like they are flies
THE STICK INSECT
My sister is very thin
In fact she’s a stick insect
Straight up and down
Viewed from any aspect
If she didn’t wear glasses
Before embracing
No one would know
Which way she was facing
MY MAN IS MY BEST FRIEND
My man is my best friend
He listens to me,
Enables me,
Reassures me,
Inspires me,
He makes me feel special
He makes me feel sexy
He understands me
He is in touch with my feelings
My man is my best friend?
Is he bollocks
Gordon’s is my best friend
Give me another gin and tonic
THE BIKER AND THE PRETTY MISS
A big tattooed hairy biker
Noticed as he was riding by
A girl stood on the ledge,
Of a bridge way up high.
The biker stopped his bike
And asked the girl why
She was stood on the ledge
“I’m going to jump” was her reply
He shook his head in disbelief
That she would want to die
So he made her a proposition
Before you commit suicide
Give me a kiss, pretty miss
Give me a kiss as your goodbye
The little miss agreed to the kiss
A kiss to be remembered by
So the biker and the pretty miss
Engaged in a kiss of goodbye
An embrace of passionate fire
That seemed to lift them up high
When it was over and they parted
The biker said “my oh my oh my
That was the best kiss I ever had
And you want to commit suicide why?
You can kiss so well, what a waste
Tell me why do you want to die?”
“That’s easy, my parents don’t like me
Dressing as a girl,” she replied
MARRIAGE LINES
LOSING HER MIND
My wife of some fifty years
Is convinced her mind has finally gone
Which is hardly suprising
When she gives a piece of it to everyone
SENTENCING
In the English language
The shortest sentence
Is reportedly “I am”
This would make sence
But does that mean, “I do”
Is the longest sentence?
IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO
They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go
MY GIRL HAS DUMPED ME
My girls dumped me
For some hirsute Brute
I was gob smacked
I said strewth Ruth
You can’t leave me for him
Not this prick Mick
Well he wanted to fight for her
But I called a truce Bruce
I said I don’t want you to go
To tell you the truth Ruth
But you’ve made your choice
And it’s thick Mick
I had tears in my eyes
I was bellowing like a moose Bruce
As I helped her into her truck
God I’ll miss that beaut Ute
THE NIGHT OUT
I’d been to some bars
And drunk a few jars
And while I was there
I became the worse for wear
When my double vision
Started causing derision
And tired of the scoff
I took myself off
To be greeted at home
By a malevolent gnome
The bane of my life
My diminutive wife
But when I was drunk
I wasn’t afraid of the skunk
Her anger I would dismiss
And bring her round with a kiss
But my advance was declined
Which I thought was unkind
I thought I would rise above
Her rejection of my love
But despite my attempt
To show her contempt
She still wouldn’t let me in
I thought in may be the Gin
So I used reasoning
Without any seasoning
But what I said to her
Just came out as a slur
Then she angrily said
“Go and sleep in the shed”
BURNT OFFERINGS
My wife burns the toast
She makes a habit of it
Then puts it in the garden
For the sparrows and the tits
Not many birds are keen
Even in the harshest weather
But you can spot those who are
Because of the curly feathers
MY WIFE IS MAD
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
MY WIFE HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT
My wife has a terrible habit
Of staying up till the early morn
And I can't break her of the habit
Of staying up till the dawn
Why on earth does she do it?
Is she up surfing the internet?
Or is she an incurable insomniac?
No, she stays up coz I’m not home yet
WIFI WIFE
I call my wife my Wi-Fi,
You might wonder why
Well she works at home usually
Or in the garden, truthfully
I have no physical connection to her
And at night the neighbour uses her
THE LOSS OF LOVE
The loss of love you see
Isn’t due to infidelity
It’s caused by over familiarity
And excessive intimacy
For how can love survive?
When before your eyes
Is the object of your affection
Rubbing cream on some infection
Or the person you are dating
Is on the toilet evacuating
NIGELA I’M NOT
I’m not a domestic goddess
And it’s not something I espouse
If you don’t believe me
Just ask the spouse
He’ll tell you, I only have a kitchen
Because it came with the house
SLEEPLESS
How awful is insomnia
I can only imagine
I don’t suffer myself
As soon as pillow meets head
I sleep like the dead
My wife suffers terribly
She just can’t switch off
Its like her very own
Rolling news programme she said
News 24, all night in her head
VIRGIN WHITE
Wedding dresses are white
As a symbol of purity
A statement to the world
And a promise or surety
Well that’s the tradition
But in truth there is more
Wedding dresses are white
To match the kitchen decor
MARITAL DISCOVERY
After twenty years of marriage
To my dear lady wife, Mrs McCall
I have discovered what makes her happy,
Absolutely bugger all
My wife of some fifty years
Is convinced her mind has finally gone
Which is hardly suprising
When she gives a piece of it to everyone
SENTENCING
In the English language
The shortest sentence
Is reportedly “I am”
This would make sence
But does that mean, “I do”
Is the longest sentence?
IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO
They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go
MY GIRL HAS DUMPED ME
My girls dumped me
For some hirsute Brute
I was gob smacked
I said strewth Ruth
You can’t leave me for him
Not this prick Mick
Well he wanted to fight for her
But I called a truce Bruce
I said I don’t want you to go
To tell you the truth Ruth
But you’ve made your choice
And it’s thick Mick
I had tears in my eyes
I was bellowing like a moose Bruce
As I helped her into her truck
God I’ll miss that beaut Ute
THE NIGHT OUT
I’d been to some bars
And drunk a few jars
And while I was there
I became the worse for wear
When my double vision
Started causing derision
And tired of the scoff
I took myself off
To be greeted at home
By a malevolent gnome
The bane of my life
My diminutive wife
But when I was drunk
I wasn’t afraid of the skunk
Her anger I would dismiss
And bring her round with a kiss
But my advance was declined
Which I thought was unkind
I thought I would rise above
Her rejection of my love
But despite my attempt
To show her contempt
She still wouldn’t let me in
I thought in may be the Gin
So I used reasoning
Without any seasoning
But what I said to her
Just came out as a slur
Then she angrily said
“Go and sleep in the shed”
BURNT OFFERINGS
My wife burns the toast
She makes a habit of it
Then puts it in the garden
For the sparrows and the tits
Not many birds are keen
Even in the harshest weather
But you can spot those who are
Because of the curly feathers
MY WIFE IS MAD
My wife is mad
Last night she snored so loud
That she woke herself up
Then she hit me
For snoring so bloody loud
That I woke her up
MY WIFE HAS A TERRIBLE HABIT
My wife has a terrible habit
Of staying up till the early morn
And I can't break her of the habit
Of staying up till the dawn
Why on earth does she do it?
Is she up surfing the internet?
Or is she an incurable insomniac?
No, she stays up coz I’m not home yet
WIFI WIFE
I call my wife my Wi-Fi,
You might wonder why
Well she works at home usually
Or in the garden, truthfully
I have no physical connection to her
And at night the neighbour uses her
THE LOSS OF LOVE
The loss of love you see
Isn’t due to infidelity
It’s caused by over familiarity
And excessive intimacy
For how can love survive?
When before your eyes
Is the object of your affection
Rubbing cream on some infection
Or the person you are dating
Is on the toilet evacuating
NIGELA I’M NOT
I’m not a domestic goddess
And it’s not something I espouse
If you don’t believe me
Just ask the spouse
He’ll tell you, I only have a kitchen
Because it came with the house
SLEEPLESS
How awful is insomnia
I can only imagine
I don’t suffer myself
As soon as pillow meets head
I sleep like the dead
My wife suffers terribly
She just can’t switch off
Its like her very own
Rolling news programme she said
News 24, all night in her head
VIRGIN WHITE
Wedding dresses are white
As a symbol of purity
A statement to the world
And a promise or surety
Well that’s the tradition
But in truth there is more
Wedding dresses are white
To match the kitchen decor
MARITAL DISCOVERY
After twenty years of marriage
To my dear lady wife, Mrs McCall
I have discovered what makes her happy,
Absolutely bugger all
HEALTHY HUMOUR
GOOD HEALTH WARNING
In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die
DOCTOR FRANK
My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”
TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS
I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear
Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door
I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK
GARNISHING
If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story
DOCTOR BLUNT
My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard
THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY
Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there
DEADLY HYMENOPTERA
Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow
Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee
DEADLY RECREATION
Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high
Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea
DOCTOR SHARP
I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”
A FARE HEARING
My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly
He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine
ANAPHYLAXIS
I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me
MANNOGRAM
A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today
FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS
Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature
NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED
Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision
ATTRACTION
I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me
In regard to the state of good health
The fact that you cannot deny
Good health is just the slowest speed
At which we will eventually die
DOCTOR FRANK
My doctor was very frank
When discussing my fitness
He said to me without humour
“What fits your busy schedule best?
Exercising for one hour each day, or
Being dead for twenty four”
TAKEN QUEER OVER SEAS
I’ve just got back from Spain
Where I was taken queer
And not understanding a foreign quack
Was my biggest fear
Well when we got to his gaff
You’ll never guess what I saw
“English speaking Doctor”
Written large upon the door
I thought what a good idea
A real turn up I would say
Then I got to wonder why
We don’t have them in the UK
GARNISHING
If you put a tomato
On top of your knickerbocker glory
Instead of a cherry
It counts as a salad; well that’s my story
DOCTOR BLUNT
My doctor was very unfair
He said that the handle on my reclining chair
And my TV remote control device
Are not sufficient forms of exercise
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 1
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 2
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store
EXERCISE REGIME WEEK 3
You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard
THE PILSBURY PHILOSOPHY
Isn’t life strange?
And it can be quite a dilemma
And occasionally unfair
i.e. The healthiest part of a doughnut
Is the hole, unfortunately
You have to eat through the rest to get there
DEADLY HYMENOPTERA
Insects are dangerous
I thought you should know
Some kill you quick
Some kill you slow
Some poison the blood
In your arteries
Yes I’m talking about
The hepatitis bee
DEADLY RECREATION
Don’t go swimming
When the red flags fly
Don’t go in the water
When the waves are high
Don’t go swimming
If it’s too risky
And don’t even dip a toe in
The hepatitis sea
DOCTOR SHARP
I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what he said?
“Take better aim when you pee”
A FARE HEARING
My friend just returned from America
Where he had under gone surgery
To have a hearing aid implant fitted
And he was telling me about it excitedly
He said it was space age, state of the art
Twenty thousand dollars and worth every dime
I asked about the battery, “What type is it”?
He said I think it’s a little after nine
ANAPHYLAXIS
I had to go to the hospital today
After I had been stung by a bee
And my head really swelled up
But the doctors said not to worry
It was just caused by anaphylaxis
Which I have to say surprised me
Because I went to school with her
And I thought she really liked me
MANNOGRAM
A mannogram is a new test
And is the most effective way
Of detecting if a man has a heart
So get yours checked out today
FRANKENSTEIN PHYSICIANS
Plastic surgeons have the expertise
To enhance breasts into a feature
But disproportionate enhancement
Makes for an odd looking creature
NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED
Now I’ve had my sight restored
Thanks to the surgeons prescision
I finally appreciate the worth
Of TV in High Definition
After spending so many years
Watching TV in Monet vision
ATTRACTION
I’m overweight I know
But it’s not my fault though
It’s because of the surgeries
Replacing my hips and knees
It’s the fridge magnets you see
They keep attracting me
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
THE USES OF GOOSES
THE USES OF GOOSES # 01
One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease
THE USES OF GOOSES # 02
Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese
One use of a goose
Is as a guard goose
As part of their charm
They give the alarm
However guard geese
Aren’t easy to cease
THE USES OF GOOSES # 02
Be warned about the use of a goose
If well roasted in goose grease
You will have cooked your goose
And caused a decrease in your geese
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON?
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 01
Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02
Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03
Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you
Why do I love you hon?
Because you don’t know the answer
To your own question
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 02
Why do I love you hon?
I love you most because you
Don’t realize why I do
WHY DO I LOVE YOU HON? # 03
Why do I love you hon?
Because you feel fortunate
That I’m in love with you
THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES
THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 01
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee
THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
You get from taking a pee
THE SIMPLEST PLEASURES # 02
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment or fee
But give the most satisfaction
In spite of their simplicity
Like the unparreled relief
Of letting your wind go free
VEGETUS
VEGETUS # 01
Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one
VEGETUS # 02
Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n
Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Is that something you have done?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Though I couldn’t eat a whole one
VEGETUS # 02
Have you ever eaten vegetarian?
Have you done that, do you reckon?
Well no I haven’t, but I’d like to
Tell me do they taste like chick’n
ICE CREAM PARLOUR
ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 01
I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”
ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02
I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”
I went to the ice cream parlour
At one of our seaside resorts
And I wanted an ice cream
But, well, there were allsorts
“Knickerbocker glory sir?”
The ice cream mans retorts
“Yes I do enjoy a certain amount
Of freedom in these shorts”
ICE CREAM PARLOUR # 02
I went to the ice cream parlour
And ordered an ice cream sundae
“Hundreds & thousands?” he asked
“No I’ll just have the one for today”
NHS CUT BACKS
NHS CUT BACKS # 1
The NHS has plans to save money
As they are strapped for cash
The plans have got up the Allergists noses
And Dermatologists think them rash
NHS CUT BACKS # 2
The NHS has plans to save money
And there has been opposition all right
But the Gastroenterologists
Don’t have the stomach for a fight
NHS CUT BACKS # 3
The NHS has plans to save money
And many are opposed to the suggestion
The Obstetricians feel that the government
Are labouring under a misconception
NHS CUT BACKS # 4
The NHS has plans to save money
Which ENT consultants won’t follow
They won’t hear of budget cuts
They think the plans quite shallow
Which have got up there noses
And they find them hard to swallow
NHS CUT BACKS # 5
The NHS has plans to save money
Which some seem to accept, though
Cardiologists for example
Don’t have the heart to say no
NHS CUT BACKS # 6
The NHS has plans to save money
Which Pharmacologists won’t follow
Because they feel the cuts
Are simply a bitter pill to swallow
NHS CUT BACKS # 7
The NHS has plans to save money
But they plans maybe hard to pass
The Proctologists have responded
By telling them to stick them up their arse
NHS CUT BACKS # 8
The NHS has plans to save money
Paediatricians think them too tough
But there complaints have been rejected
As they are not considered grown up enough
NHS CUT BACKS # 9
The NHS has plans to save money
But it is unclear who will oppose the plans
Radiologists can see through them
But the Surgeons just washed their hands
Hospital managers had a meeting and claimed
It will be a steep learning curve
While the Urologists wet themselves.
And the Neurologists lost their nerve
NHS CUT BACKS # 10
The NHS has plans to save money
Which may leave the institution blighted
Audiologists haven’t heard a thing
And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted
Plastic Surgeons are being two faced
But Pathologists are dead against change
Podiatrists think them a step backwards
While Psychiatrists think them deranged
The NHS has plans to save money
As they are strapped for cash
The plans have got up the Allergists noses
And Dermatologists think them rash
NHS CUT BACKS # 2
The NHS has plans to save money
And there has been opposition all right
But the Gastroenterologists
Don’t have the stomach for a fight
NHS CUT BACKS # 3
The NHS has plans to save money
And many are opposed to the suggestion
The Obstetricians feel that the government
Are labouring under a misconception
NHS CUT BACKS # 4
The NHS has plans to save money
Which ENT consultants won’t follow
They won’t hear of budget cuts
They think the plans quite shallow
Which have got up there noses
And they find them hard to swallow
NHS CUT BACKS # 5
The NHS has plans to save money
Which some seem to accept, though
Cardiologists for example
Don’t have the heart to say no
NHS CUT BACKS # 6
The NHS has plans to save money
Which Pharmacologists won’t follow
Because they feel the cuts
Are simply a bitter pill to swallow
NHS CUT BACKS # 7
The NHS has plans to save money
But they plans maybe hard to pass
The Proctologists have responded
By telling them to stick them up their arse
NHS CUT BACKS # 8
The NHS has plans to save money
Paediatricians think them too tough
But there complaints have been rejected
As they are not considered grown up enough
NHS CUT BACKS # 9
The NHS has plans to save money
But it is unclear who will oppose the plans
Radiologists can see through them
But the Surgeons just washed their hands
Hospital managers had a meeting and claimed
It will be a steep learning curve
While the Urologists wet themselves.
And the Neurologists lost their nerve
NHS CUT BACKS # 10
The NHS has plans to save money
Which may leave the institution blighted
Audiologists haven’t heard a thing
And Ophthalmologists think them short sighted
Plastic Surgeons are being two faced
But Pathologists are dead against change
Podiatrists think them a step backwards
While Psychiatrists think them deranged
Monday, 13 June 2011
NONSENSICAL EPISODE
NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 1
Living life in cartoons
A happy life in Looney tunes
Incomprehensible croons
Beneath silvery moons
Shooting at pink balloons
With captain Ahab’s harpoons
Spending Sunday afternoons
Chatting with baboons
Playing cricket in the dunes
With chipmunks and raccoons
Eating out of date prunes
With runsible spoons
NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 2
I see Dogs in clogs
Cats in spats
Goats in coats
Flies in ties
Llamas in pyjamas
I think I drink
Too much caffeine
NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 3
When I close my eyes
I see Lasses in glasses
Tarts in carts
Girls in pearls
Flirts in skirts
Fillies in frillies
Girls in curls
Chics in nix
God I really need sex
NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4
I see birds in herds
Freaks with beaks
Tykes on bikes
Mancs in tanks
Bowsers in trousers
Paedo’s in speedos
Perverts in skirts
Streakers in sneakers
Coppers in toppers
Scouses in blouses
Weirdo’s in hairdos
And I ask myself
What was in that roll up?
Living life in cartoons
A happy life in Looney tunes
Incomprehensible croons
Beneath silvery moons
Shooting at pink balloons
With captain Ahab’s harpoons
Spending Sunday afternoons
Chatting with baboons
Playing cricket in the dunes
With chipmunks and raccoons
Eating out of date prunes
With runsible spoons
NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 2
I see Dogs in clogs
Cats in spats
Goats in coats
Flies in ties
Llamas in pyjamas
I think I drink
Too much caffeine
NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 3
When I close my eyes
I see Lasses in glasses
Tarts in carts
Girls in pearls
Flirts in skirts
Fillies in frillies
Girls in curls
Chics in nix
God I really need sex
NONSENSICAL EPISODE # 4
I see birds in herds
Freaks with beaks
Tykes on bikes
Mancs in tanks
Bowsers in trousers
Paedo’s in speedos
Perverts in skirts
Streakers in sneakers
Coppers in toppers
Scouses in blouses
Weirdo’s in hairdos
And I ask myself
What was in that roll up?
I KISSED A GIRL
I KISSED A GIRL # 1
I kissed a girl,
A very friendly sort
While I was staying
At a seaside resort
One kiss led to another
One kiss led to the other
And one kiss led to her
Becoming a mother
I KISSED A GIRL # 2
I kissed the girl
On an aeroplane
And on the airport bus
I kissed her once again
I kissed a girl
That I met in Spain
We met later that day
And we kissed again
I kissed the girl
With the long white train
And at the alter
I kissed her once again
I kissed a girl,
A very friendly sort
While I was staying
At a seaside resort
One kiss led to another
One kiss led to the other
And one kiss led to her
Becoming a mother
I KISSED A GIRL # 2
I kissed the girl
On an aeroplane
And on the airport bus
I kissed her once again
I kissed a girl
That I met in Spain
We met later that day
And we kissed again
I kissed the girl
With the long white train
And at the alter
I kissed her once again
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 11
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love tarty Marti
And svelter Delta
Sloppy Poppy
And vulgar Olga
I love baddy Maddie
And angrier Andrea
Clean Jean
And fairer Farah
I love scorer Pandora
And messy Bessie
Gaudy Maudie
And sassie Cassie
I love a damp vamp
To tell the truth
Or Horny Dawny
And uncouth Ruth
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 12
I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position
I love Commando Jo
And nudie Trudy
Above the knee Fi
And rudie Judy
I love on her back Jack
The leerer Vera
Back alley Sally
And in the rear Greer
I love fellatia Felicia
The giver of head
Pork me Courtney
And three in a bed Winifred
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 13
I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position
I love feelier Ophelia
And mauler Paula
Dirty Gertie
And pawer Dora
I love Harlot Charlotte
And Spanky Frankie
Molester Ester
And first in Kirsten
I love envelopy Penelope
Then get free again
For a crumpet strumpet
And game whatsaname
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 14
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love square Clair
And plane Jayne
Prettier Leticia
And vane Lorraine
I love Slinky Pinky
And Bipolar Lola
Jammy Sami
And Tequila Sheila
I love Thirsty Kirstie
And Cabana Lana
Caffeine Kristine
And Marijuana Adriana
I love never fail Abigail
One of many Penny
Can’t fool her Tallulah
And spend a penny Jenny
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 15
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love warmer Norma
And chilly Millie
Brahma Alma
And misty Kristi
I love diva Riva
And the miser Eliza
Expressly Leslie
And viler Isla
I love sweet Reet
And henna Sienna
Bonny Bonnie
And better Henrietta
I love crabby Gabby
And flabby Abi
Tabby Abi
And shabby Tabbi
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 16
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love ballerina Katrina
And piston Kristen
Rave Maive
And oblivion Vivian
I love slasher Sasha
And gaily Kayleigh
Greener Meena
And trophy Sophie
I love Christian Christine
And the mystical Zen Jen
Pegan Megan
And Zen Jen once again
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 17
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love bilious Phileas
And slow Mo
Jail bait Kate
And here we go Jo
I love Havana Savannah
And felony Melanie
Gonna Donna
And orally Laura-Lee
I love sillieth Lilleth
And Soya Moiré
Sillier Delia
And coyer Toya
I love brash Tash
And swell Gabrielle
Coarser Porsche
And go to hell Mel
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 18
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love TaTa Tara
And poor Dorr
Trim Miriam
And say more Gaynor
I love stiff Steph
And better Greta
Madeira Vera
And skeleta Nicolleta
I love Pizzeria Pia
And green Jean
World Wide Web Deb
And Chlorine Maureen
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 19
I do have a favourite;
I like them with a similar name
Basically I have a bad memory
So the names should sound the same
Like Rosita, Lolita
Sita, Rita or Nikita
Anita, Margarita
Benita, Nita or Greta
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 20
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Chaise Blaise
And Bombay Rene
Pulsy Dulcie
And Crochet Fay
I love Gray Kay
And shorn Fawn
Blue Pru
And forlorn Dawn
I love Taxi Maxi
And Swish Trish
Victorian Dorian
And Swiss Bliss
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love tarty Marti
And svelter Delta
Sloppy Poppy
And vulgar Olga
I love baddy Maddie
And angrier Andrea
Clean Jean
And fairer Farah
I love scorer Pandora
And messy Bessie
Gaudy Maudie
And sassie Cassie
I love a damp vamp
To tell the truth
Or Horny Dawny
And uncouth Ruth
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 12
I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position
I love Commando Jo
And nudie Trudy
Above the knee Fi
And rudie Judy
I love on her back Jack
The leerer Vera
Back alley Sally
And in the rear Greer
I love fellatia Felicia
The giver of head
Pork me Courtney
And three in a bed Winifred
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 13
I do have a favourite;
I like them with a predisposition
Basically I like them dirty
And prepared for any position
I love feelier Ophelia
And mauler Paula
Dirty Gertie
And pawer Dora
I love Harlot Charlotte
And Spanky Frankie
Molester Ester
And first in Kirsten
I love envelopy Penelope
Then get free again
For a crumpet strumpet
And game whatsaname
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 14
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love square Clair
And plane Jayne
Prettier Leticia
And vane Lorraine
I love Slinky Pinky
And Bipolar Lola
Jammy Sami
And Tequila Sheila
I love Thirsty Kirstie
And Cabana Lana
Caffeine Kristine
And Marijuana Adriana
I love never fail Abigail
One of many Penny
Can’t fool her Tallulah
And spend a penny Jenny
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 15
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love warmer Norma
And chilly Millie
Brahma Alma
And misty Kristi
I love diva Riva
And the miser Eliza
Expressly Leslie
And viler Isla
I love sweet Reet
And henna Sienna
Bonny Bonnie
And better Henrietta
I love crabby Gabby
And flabby Abi
Tabby Abi
And shabby Tabbi
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 16
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love ballerina Katrina
And piston Kristen
Rave Maive
And oblivion Vivian
I love slasher Sasha
And gaily Kayleigh
Greener Meena
And trophy Sophie
I love Christian Christine
And the mystical Zen Jen
Pegan Megan
And Zen Jen once again
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 17
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love bilious Phileas
And slow Mo
Jail bait Kate
And here we go Jo
I love Havana Savannah
And felony Melanie
Gonna Donna
And orally Laura-Lee
I love sillieth Lilleth
And Soya Moiré
Sillier Delia
And coyer Toya
I love brash Tash
And swell Gabrielle
Coarser Porsche
And go to hell Mel
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 18
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love TaTa Tara
And poor Dorr
Trim Miriam
And say more Gaynor
I love stiff Steph
And better Greta
Madeira Vera
And skeleta Nicolleta
I love Pizzeria Pia
And green Jean
World Wide Web Deb
And Chlorine Maureen
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 19
I do have a favourite;
I like them with a similar name
Basically I have a bad memory
So the names should sound the same
Like Rosita, Lolita
Sita, Rita or Nikita
Anita, Margarita
Benita, Nita or Greta
SEXUAL PREFERENCES # 20
I don’t have a favourite;
I love each and every one
Whether happy or sad
Cheerful or glum
I love Chaise Blaise
And Bombay Rene
Pulsy Dulcie
And Crochet Fay
I love Gray Kay
And shorn Fawn
Blue Pru
And forlorn Dawn
I love Taxi Maxi
And Swish Trish
Victorian Dorian
And Swiss Bliss
Friday, 10 June 2011
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 5
My thoughts are sinful
For the thoughts I think
Are of the open petals
Of your flower moist and pink
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 6
My thoughts are sinful
And they’d make you frown
For to make me stand up
You would go down
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 7
My thoughts are sinful
Thoughts of your silky skin
The lushness of your bush
Your succulent musk within
A firm young body
With soft moist lips of sin
My thoughts are sinful
For the thoughts I think
Are of the open petals
Of your flower moist and pink
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 6
My thoughts are sinful
And they’d make you frown
For to make me stand up
You would go down
MY THOUGHTS ARE SINFUL # 7
My thoughts are sinful
Thoughts of your silky skin
The lushness of your bush
Your succulent musk within
A firm young body
With soft moist lips of sin
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 1
You wouldn’t smile at me
Or give me that cheeky grin
If you knew I imagine you
With my balls resting on your chin
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 2
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you could read my mind
And vividly picture my thoughts
Which are of a lustful kind
Thoughts of bending you over
And taking you from behind
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 3
You wouldn’t smile at me
With that sweet look on your face
If you knew I imagine you
In black stockings and lace
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 4
You wouldn’t smile at me
My sweet innocent miss
If you knew I wanted to visit
Your sweet haven of bliss
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 5
You wouldn’t smile at me
In that sweet way that you do
If you knew I often imagine
Myself orally pleasing you
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 6
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew all the while
That I was imagining you
Wearing nothing but a smile
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 7
You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Pleasuring yourself before me
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 8
You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Naked and straddling me
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 9
You wouldn’t smile at me
Never again after this time
If you knew I imagined you
The other half of my sixty-nine
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 10
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew the thoughts I think
Imagining you in an erotic dance
Scantily clad in sensual pink
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 11
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my fantasies
Of you slowly undressing
As you tantalise and tease
Before submitting to me
On your hands and knees
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 12
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew what’s in my head
Pictures of you lying naked
Beneath me in my bed
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 13
You wouldn’t smile at me
Because my thoughts would appal
Because I think of having you
Up against the office wall
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 14
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my thought process
When I imagine you commando
Underneath that pretty dress
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 15
You wouldn’t smile at me
With my thoughts misbehavin’
If you knew how I wonder
If you have a shaven haven
You wouldn’t smile at me
Or give me that cheeky grin
If you knew I imagine you
With my balls resting on your chin
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 2
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you could read my mind
And vividly picture my thoughts
Which are of a lustful kind
Thoughts of bending you over
And taking you from behind
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 3
You wouldn’t smile at me
With that sweet look on your face
If you knew I imagine you
In black stockings and lace
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 4
You wouldn’t smile at me
My sweet innocent miss
If you knew I wanted to visit
Your sweet haven of bliss
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 5
You wouldn’t smile at me
In that sweet way that you do
If you knew I often imagine
Myself orally pleasing you
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 6
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew all the while
That I was imagining you
Wearing nothing but a smile
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 7
You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Pleasuring yourself before me
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 8
You wouldn’t smile at me
You’d never smile so sweetly
If you knew I imagined you
Naked and straddling me
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 9
You wouldn’t smile at me
Never again after this time
If you knew I imagined you
The other half of my sixty-nine
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 10
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew the thoughts I think
Imagining you in an erotic dance
Scantily clad in sensual pink
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 11
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my fantasies
Of you slowly undressing
As you tantalise and tease
Before submitting to me
On your hands and knees
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 12
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew what’s in my head
Pictures of you lying naked
Beneath me in my bed
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 13
You wouldn’t smile at me
Because my thoughts would appal
Because I think of having you
Up against the office wall
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 14
You wouldn’t smile at me
If you knew my thought process
When I imagine you commando
Underneath that pretty dress
YOU WOULDN’T SMILE AT ME # 15
You wouldn’t smile at me
With my thoughts misbehavin’
If you knew how I wonder
If you have a shaven haven
DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD
DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 1
Dreams are really very odd
Last night I sat up in bed
Clutching a pillow to my chest
And then I loudly said
I’m off up the garden
To bury the dog
My wife barked “You silly sod,
We haven’t got a dog”
DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2
Dreams are really very odd
Last night my wife sat up and said
“Tell Lionel to stop
It’s really hurting my head”
I enquired politely
What the hell she was on about
“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe
Get the tosser out”
Now considering the early hour
I had the patience of Job
And softly said “Why would he
Be in our wardrobe”?
A fare question, I thought
She just gave me a frown
“Tap dancing you idiot”
And then she lay back down
DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3
Dreams are an odd part of life
Last night my considerate wife
Woke me from my slumber to declare
“It was so bloody unfair”
I said “what on earth is wrong?
“What’s unfair, what’s going on?
“The life of a sports journalist”
She replied and she wasn’t even pissed
Dreams are really very odd
Last night I sat up in bed
Clutching a pillow to my chest
And then I loudly said
I’m off up the garden
To bury the dog
My wife barked “You silly sod,
We haven’t got a dog”
DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 2
Dreams are really very odd
Last night my wife sat up and said
“Tell Lionel to stop
It’s really hurting my head”
I enquired politely
What the hell she was on about
“Lionel Blair is in the wardrobe
Get the tosser out”
Now considering the early hour
I had the patience of Job
And softly said “Why would he
Be in our wardrobe”?
A fare question, I thought
She just gave me a frown
“Tap dancing you idiot”
And then she lay back down
DREAMS ARE REALLY VERY ODD # 3
Dreams are an odd part of life
Last night my considerate wife
Woke me from my slumber to declare
“It was so bloody unfair”
I said “what on earth is wrong?
“What’s unfair, what’s going on?
“The life of a sports journalist”
She replied and she wasn’t even pissed
PUT DOWNS
PUT DOWN # 40
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if they are relentless
And as thick as granite
Just say to him
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
PUT DOWN # 41
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if he is relentless
One of those persistant fellas
Just say at the top of your voice
"No I wont f*ck you for 100 dollars!"
PUT DOWN # 42
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should hesitate over your name
Then that’s your cue
Just say to him
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"
PUT DOWN # 43
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he offers you champayne
And celebrates like a winner
Just say to him
"Are you drinking your dinner?"
PUT DOWN # 44
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he sugest he is your prince
Come to rescue you from your plight
Just say to him
"You live with your mom still, right?"
PUT DOWN # 45
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
A best with animal magnetism
Is what he will probably think
Just say to him
"So you're the missing link"
PUT DOWN # 46
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Let me make mad passionate love to you”
He may say seductivly
Just reply to him
'Did I mention the kick in the balls you'll if you touch me?'
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if they are relentless
And as thick as granite
Just say to him
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
PUT DOWN # 41
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
And if he is relentless
One of those persistant fellas
Just say at the top of your voice
"No I wont f*ck you for 100 dollars!"
PUT DOWN # 42
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he should hesitate over your name
Then that’s your cue
Just say to him
"Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!"
PUT DOWN # 43
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he offers you champayne
And celebrates like a winner
Just say to him
"Are you drinking your dinner?"
PUT DOWN # 44
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he sugest he is your prince
Come to rescue you from your plight
Just say to him
"You live with your mom still, right?"
PUT DOWN # 45
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
A best with animal magnetism
Is what he will probably think
Just say to him
"So you're the missing link"
PUT DOWN # 46
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
“Let me make mad passionate love to you”
He may say seductivly
Just reply to him
'Did I mention the kick in the balls you'll if you touch me?'
MORE 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 202
Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl, yes or no?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the table is bare
The crumpets, the muffins,
Bread from the loaf tins
They all need to be buttered thick
For the most satisfyingly simple fare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of heavens host
They all make sure the tables not bare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to tell the truth
And to be honest they don’t really care
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206
The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at break of day,
And picks strawberries ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this country
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207
The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208
The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to Norwich;
You should have gone to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from Ipswich
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209
The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you annoying little shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210
There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government lackey
Confiscated all his backy
And fined the fat man of Bombay
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211
There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really annoying to me
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212
There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213
There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous wise,
He helped us and we wouldn’t have found
That sports bar otherwise
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214
There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from next door,
Silly me
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215
Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the dishes
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216
Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 217
Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 218
There was an old wife
Who did eat an apple;
But she spat it out,
“Bloody Golden Delicious”
Mary, Mary quite contrary
This is what I want to know
With an Adams apple
And the razors dapple
Are you really a girl, yes or no?
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 203
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Margarine in a tub,
Without any butter the table is bare
The crumpets, the muffins,
Bread from the loaf tins
They all need to be buttered thick
For the most satisfyingly simple fare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 204
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Thanks for the grub,
Without the Lord no one would care
The father the son
And the spiritual one
The guardian angels of heavens host
They all make sure the tables not bare
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 205
Rub-a-dub-dub,
Three men in a Pub,
And how do you think they got there?
The butcher, the baker,
The candlestick-maker,
They can’t remember to tell the truth
And to be honest they don’t really care
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 206
The fair maid who, the first of May
Goes to the fields at break of day,
And picks strawberries ripe and juicy
Isn’t a native of this country
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 207
The King of France went up the hill
With twenty thousand men;
The King of France came down the hill,
As it was coffee time again
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 208
The man in the moon came tumbling down
And asked his way to Norwich;
You should have gone to Specsavers
Said a cheeky man from Ipswich
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 209
The man in the wilderness asked me
“How many strawberries grew in the sea”
I answered him, as I thought fit,
Leave me alone you annoying little shit
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 210
There was a fat man of Bombay,
Who was smoking one sunshiny day,
When a government lackey
Confiscated all his backy
And fined the fat man of Bombay
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 211
There was a jolly miller once
Lived on the river Dee;
He worked and sang from morn till night,
And that was really annoying to me
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 212
There was a little boy and a little girl,
Lived in an alley;
Says the little boy to the little girl,
"How about it Sally?"
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 213
There was a man in Thessaly,
And he was wondrous wise,
He helped us and we wouldn’t have found
That sports bar otherwise
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 214
There was a monkey
Climbed up a tree;
No it’s the boy from next door,
Silly me
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 215
Little Tommy Tittlemouse
Lived in a little house;
And his missus
Made him wash the dishes
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 216
Mary had a pretty bird,
Plumage bright and yellow,
Slender legs, upon this bird
Mary didn’t need a fellow
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 217
Bessie Bell and Mary Gray,
They were two bonnie lasses:
They built their house upon the lea,
And were visited by flashers
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 218
There was an old wife
Who did eat an apple;
But she spat it out,
“Bloody Golden Delicious”
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Variety
BIX
Leon Bismark "Bix" Beiderbecke
(March 10, 1903 – August 6, 1931)
It was said of Bix
That his Cornet spat out notes
Like shooting bullets at a bell
And his solos sounded as sweet
As a girl saying yes.
Bix Beiderbecke was simply the best
He was at the birth of hot music
His light illuminated
The jazz age
His Cornet accompanied
The roaring twenties
He was a romantic legend,
The young man with a Horn
But in keeping with the character
Of the very best of youth
His flame burned very brightly
But equally it burned quickly
And like the most beautiful star
He burned himself out
All too soon
Bix lived for the jazz
But died for the booze
ARTIE
When Artie Shaw
Was the King of Swing
His liquorice stick
Was made to sing
With a beat
To tap your toe too
Or melodies
To serenade you
Swing to get the kids
A jumping
Tunes to get the blood
A pumping
Artie Shaw and his
Tuneful clarinet
The King of Swing
Was as good as they get
I PRAY FOR PEACE
I pray for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
So why does such a prayer of peace
Go unanswered, answer me
Its not that God doesn’t hear the prayer
He wants the same you see
God prays for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
But his prayers remain unanswered
For mankind is deafened to his plea
MAKING DO
We certainly don’t have a lot
But we are content with what we’ve got
We may not be among the wealthiest
But we are certainly among the happiest
Because we don’t have to have the best of everything
We just make the best of everything we have
PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
Here is an important life tip
That will help you like as not
If you see a lot, take a few
If you see a few, take the lot
THE BLUE JEAN BOY
The blue jean boy
His black Perfecto
Over his white T
Just watched Brando
In The Wild Ones
Wanted to hit the road and go
The blue jean boy
Told his brother Michael
That he was a wild one
And he bought a motorcycle
The blue jean boy
Took to the road he chose
What happened that day
Nobody really knows
But when he hit the road
Blue jean boy never arose
A MELLOW FELLOW
A mellow fellow
A fellow in yellow
A fellow called Morello
Morello played the cello
Morello didn’t bellow
Morello was mellow
The fellow ate his jello
His jello was yellow
Mellow yellow jello
For a mellow fellow
LADY MARY
Mary, lady with the malady
The marmaladie lady
M’lady marmalade
Mary the marmaladie lady
Leon Bismark "Bix" Beiderbecke
(March 10, 1903 – August 6, 1931)
It was said of Bix
That his Cornet spat out notes
Like shooting bullets at a bell
And his solos sounded as sweet
As a girl saying yes.
Bix Beiderbecke was simply the best
He was at the birth of hot music
His light illuminated
The jazz age
His Cornet accompanied
The roaring twenties
He was a romantic legend,
The young man with a Horn
But in keeping with the character
Of the very best of youth
His flame burned very brightly
But equally it burned quickly
And like the most beautiful star
He burned himself out
All too soon
Bix lived for the jazz
But died for the booze
ARTIE
When Artie Shaw
Was the King of Swing
His liquorice stick
Was made to sing
With a beat
To tap your toe too
Or melodies
To serenade you
Swing to get the kids
A jumping
Tunes to get the blood
A pumping
Artie Shaw and his
Tuneful clarinet
The King of Swing
Was as good as they get
I PRAY FOR PEACE
I pray for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
So why does such a prayer of peace
Go unanswered, answer me
Its not that God doesn’t hear the prayer
He wants the same you see
God prays for peace around the world
Each day on bended knee
But his prayers remain unanswered
For mankind is deafened to his plea
MAKING DO
We certainly don’t have a lot
But we are content with what we’ve got
We may not be among the wealthiest
But we are certainly among the happiest
Because we don’t have to have the best of everything
We just make the best of everything we have
PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
Here is an important life tip
That will help you like as not
If you see a lot, take a few
If you see a few, take the lot
THE BLUE JEAN BOY
The blue jean boy
His black Perfecto
Over his white T
Just watched Brando
In The Wild Ones
Wanted to hit the road and go
The blue jean boy
Told his brother Michael
That he was a wild one
And he bought a motorcycle
The blue jean boy
Took to the road he chose
What happened that day
Nobody really knows
But when he hit the road
Blue jean boy never arose
A MELLOW FELLOW
A mellow fellow
A fellow in yellow
A fellow called Morello
Morello played the cello
Morello didn’t bellow
Morello was mellow
The fellow ate his jello
His jello was yellow
Mellow yellow jello
For a mellow fellow
LADY MARY
Mary, lady with the malady
The marmaladie lady
M’lady marmalade
Mary the marmaladie lady
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