GENERALLY FUNNY

LIGHT ON HIS FETE

My brother is dyslexic,
Which is a bit of a trial
And I also think he’s gay
But he’s still in Daniel

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

In France they don’t call it a pothole
Instead they call it a hen’s nest
It sounds much nicer doesn’t it?
But for drivers, they’re still a pest

THE LYNX EFFECT

I bought some new Aftershave,
You should try it
It smells of sunflower seeds
The birds really love it

DIPLOMACY

Diplomats have the ability
To do their job so well
That they can tell you,
To your face, to go to hell
In a way that not only,
Does not offend you
But becomes something
You are looking forward to

I DON’T WANT TO BE MURDERED

I certainly don’t want to be murdered
So I find myself rather fascinated
Exactly how important do you need to be?
Not to be murdered but to be assassinated

WHEN I DIE

When I die
And I ascend
How long, from
My untimely end
How much time
Must I spend?
What part of eternity
Must I extend?
Wearing the outfit
I wore at the end

MARGE AT LARGE

Marjorie was a clairvoyant
Of diminutive stature
Imprisoned for fraud
Or something of that nature
But she escaped
They couldn’t hold on to Marge
The police now seek
A small medium at large

THE SPICE OF LIFE

In the great war my grandfather
Survived a mustard gas attack
On a peace march my father
Survived a pepper spray attack
On a rally my uncle had mace
Squirted right in his face
I suppose you could call my ancestors
Seasoned campaigners

ALPEN DANGER

My dear friend was pulled under
By a strong currant, and tragically
My dear friend was drowned
In his breakfast bowl of muesli

TANGO’D

It is possible to have
Too much of a good thing
I feel I should say, though
I’m not sure where to begin
It involves the colour orange
i.e. too much fake tanning
So unless it’s Halloween
Please don’t look like a pumpkin

AMAZONIAN SPIDER

My son wants a spider
For his approaching birthday
I’m giving it some thought
I’ve not said yay or nay

Well I checked the price
At a well known pet shop
And when they said £90
Wow did my jaw drop

But he’s dead set on a spider
Won’t accept anything instead
So if he really wants a spider
I’ll get a cheap one off the web

APPLE FAUX PAS

Apple have cancelled the launch
Of a new iPod aimed at kids
But due to negative feedback
The project is on the skids
It’s believed the product
Was to be called the iTouch Kids

ALAS POOR HAMLET

Alas, poor Derek! I blew him, Fellatio: a fellow
of infinite zest, of most excellent fancy: then he hath
boned me on my back a thousand times;

KIDDIE FIDDLER

Well they just arrested a paedophile
Who would look at the children and drool
He was in the children’s playground
And was caught playing with his tool
But credit where credit is due
He always drove slowly past the school

911

I had just ordered my dream car
The Porsche I’ve always wanted to own
So I contacted all my friends
By text on my mobile phone
“Can’t wait for the new 911”
As simple as that, just the job
An hour later the door was kicked in
By the anti terrorist squad

MISUNDERSTAND INN

Being a Christian man,
Of high moral standing
I was not prepared
For the resulting misunderstanding

It was on my arrival
At the hotel reception
After the pleasantries
And before completing registration

I merely asked the receptionist
If she was at all able
To make sure the porn channel
In my room was disabled

To which she replied
With the tone of utter scorn
“No, you sick bastard.
It’s just regular porn”

STEALING AN EMBRACE

If you have sex with a prostitute
And leave without paying
Is there a specific law in statute?
Or is it just like shoplifting

THE FOLK OF THE AMERICAS

The folk of the Americas
In that tropical region
Ate a missionary
And got a taste of religion

THE NEW A-TEAM

I always loved the A-Team
A force for good
Coming to the rescue
All guns blazing
But no one ever got shot
Hannibal Smith was the brains
B.A.Baracus the brawn
Face was the fixer,
And howling mad Murdock
Well need I say more

Well they’re coming back
In a newish sort of version
Well a Jewish sort of version
Called the Oy Vey team
With Chaim Schmitt
BA Barabbas
Fizzog and Kinda Miffed Musseltoff

DOOR STEPPING

There are two women
Calling at houses down our street
Brow beating every one
Of the poor householders they meet

They extol the virtues
Of brown bread and its affect on fitness
One in particular is quite fierce
I’m sure that she is a Hovis Witness

MARATHON MAN

I used to be a Marathon man
A Marathon man was I
Then they renamed them Snickers
I don’t know why

ALL THE PRESIDENTS’ MEN

All the presidents’ men
Were all of a fluster
When Gerry Mander
Met Phil Lee-Buster

ELECTORAL LAW

It is an unwritten law
That candidates for council election
Must be uncircumcised
i.e. Tipped except during erection

Now don’t get excited
It is in no way anti Semitic
It just means that to be a politician
You must be a complete prick

FULHAM’S FOLLY

Outside a football ground in London
At Craven Cottage, the home of Fulham
Stands a statue of Wacko Jacko
Why is it there? I don’t know
What is he doing in West London eh?
Is it because when Fulham play
They are not all black or all white
Not unlike Jackson himself, is that right?
Or is it just that Al Fayed my old lad
You are really barking mad

NOT QUITE A CYCLONE

My sister has a new cleaner, Eastern European
But she’s a bit slack
It takes her 5 hours to Hoover the house
But then she is a Slovak

THE HABITS OF RABBITS

The habits of rabbits
Are of limited scope
How can I be delicate?
The females seldom say nope

TRAGIC CARPET RIDE

An entrepreneurial friend
Sells exploding prayer mats
Now when he first told me
I thought he was bats
But he’s really doing well
He showed me the proof
The prophets are clearly
Going through the roof

HADRIAN’S WALL

The simple reason why
Hadrian’s Wall was built
Is that north of the border
The extremities wilt
As the wind doth blow
Right up your kilt

THAT LIVED IN LOOK

To give a house that
Lived in look only takes a tick
In fact one lazy Sunday
Should really do the trick

THE RIGHT WEATHER

If you live in the United States
And the weather uses all of its charms
Wear a short-sleeved shirt
After all you have the right to bare arms

FAMILY INSURANCE

Money isn’t everything
That much is very true
But it makes sure the kids
Keep in touch with you

CRISP ETIQUETTE

The chunky McCoy’s
Are the crisps for boys
The fluffy puffy curls
Are suitable for girls
And the uniform Pringles
Are for the sad singles

THE TRUTH ABOUT PRINGLES

Pringles are all uniform
The same weight shape and size
Pringles are never any different
They never ever surprise

The Pringles stack in a tube
They fit in ever so neatly
They were obviously designed
For those with OCD

EURO SURVEY

There has been a survey, not a referendum,
To see if Britain should change to the Euro
And it appears that the no’s are in the majority
Apparently they are happy to stick with the Giro

NEW CHEESE

I saw a new brand of cheese
At the super market today
It was called Armageddon
I suppose it looked ok

I think it was long life cheese
Or some synthetic blend
I didn’t buy it because of the sell by
It just said “Best before End”

COMPELLING READING

I was reading this book today
At the library in town
It was “The History of Glue”
You know? I couldn't put it down

CHEEKY LITTLE MONKEY

I saw a monkey in the jungle with a tin opener
Which I thought quite absurd
“You don't need that to open a banana” Said I
And he replied, “This is for the custard”

BLOCKBUSTER ANSWER

I went to the local video shop and said,
“Can I borrow “Batman Forever?” My friend”
He said, “No, I’m afraid that’s not possible
But you can have it for the weekend”

LET’S SPLIT

I’ve always wanted to learn to do the splits
It’s an ambition since my earliest days
The guy at the gym said, “How flexible are you?”
I replied, “I can do any day but Tuesdays”

BOOKING OFFICE

I requested a train ticket to Paris
And the ticket seller said “Eurostar”
“Well I've done a bit of telly”
I said “but I'm no Alan Carr”

AT THE ANIMAL SHELTER

I went to an Animal shelter today
I wasn’t impressed as a matter of fact
It was incredibly small an pokey
There wasn’t enough room to swing a cat

LL$!!FAM@!!£ER L#%@$!?!?ILIOG

I was in North Wales
Just the other day
When I was verbally assailed
While visting Conway
A string of forteen letter words
Was hurled my way

REVERSE MODE

Top super model Bimbette,
It has been disclosed
Has lost her crown
The model has been deposed

SAY?

I saw a photo of a wheel of Stilton
In a glossy magazine today
And I wondered as the shutter clicked
What the photographer asked it to say

WISING UP

My grandson thinks me a wise man
While my wife thinks otherwise
And my boss thinks I’m a wise guy
Which I think is contrariwise

SACKED

I have been given the sack,
Let go, dismissed, terminated
And it was a misunderstanding
That has left me so deflated

I just simply didn’t realise
And here’s the bitter sting
That overlook and oversee
Didn’t mean the same thing

A PRESSING OCCUPATION

The woman that does my ironing
Has always been harassed and stressed
But lately her work has gone to pot
And I think she may be depressed

EASILY IMPRESSED

The woman that does my ironing
Is a natural, she is truly blessed
But she can’t see it herself
I’m beginning to think she’s repressed

IN THE EVENT OF ???

When three out of four engines
Catastrophically fail during flight
You will still have enough power
To get you safely to the crash site

A QUESTION OF BALDING

My head is completely devoid
Of hair of any shade or hue
So when asked for hair colour
On official forms, what do I do?

SECULAR EDUCATION

The education system
Is becoming increasingly secular
But Schools will never
Totally achieve their doctrinaire
For the simple reason
That as long as exams are held there
It is safe to assume that for the pupils
There will definitely be prayer

70’S MUSICAL DESERT

The forties
Brought us swing
The fifties
Brought us rock and roll
The sixties
Brought us the Beatles
The seventies
Brought us bugger all


POLTERGEIST?

Poltergeist
Polterghost
Poltergoose
Poltergeists
Polterghosts
Poltergeese

FREAKISH

Well I’ve seen some freaky stuff
And the freaky folk that do it to them
But I have to say the strangest thing
Was watching S&Ms eating M&Ms

DINGLE DELL
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dingle dell, Fairies dwell
The Elves and Pixies play
Oh! what fun it is to hide
When hide and seek we play

SINGLE GIRLS
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Single girls, single girls
They go all the way
Oh! what fun it is to ride
On a single girl today

INVERSE

My poems have been called
On a good day, ribald
More often artistically bald
Humourous? So-called
Wit to scathe and scald
Tastelessness unrivalled
Not written but scrawled
Or just plain tired and auld
But I say with joy untold
Prepare again to be appalled

REPEAT OFFENDER

It was his repeated use
Of drastic plastic
Which led to his appearance
At Devizes assizes