21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES
# 171
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And killed the man from the income tax
When she saw what she had done,
She went off to kill another one
# 172
Mary had a little horse
She rode bareback on her pony
But the little horse threw her off
Because her arse was bony
# 174
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
He was joined by his mate, they looked so twee
They sang their little songs quite lustily
Then I threw a shoe at them you see
Because I didn’t get to bed till half past three
# 175
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard,
To get a bone for her Poodle
When she came there,
The cupboard was bare,
Apart from an expired pot noodle
# 176
Lizzie Borden took a chopper
To use on her mother to top her
And the reason for the act you see
Was she made Lizzie eat her broccoli
# 177
Mary had a girl friend
Who dressed just like a man
And they spent their evenings
As only special girlfriends can
# 179
Little Robin Red breast sat upon a tree,
Then joined by his mate they looked so twee
So I shot them for being too damned happy
# 180
"Oranges and Lemons"
Say the Bells of St. Clements
“Shut the fuck up”
Say the Bells of 14 King William Street
# 181
Mary wore a little skirt
And she liked to go commando
And everyone from roundabout
Could see her down below
# 183
"Who killed Cock Robin?"
"I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow,
I killed Cock Robin."
“You’re nicked then son”
Said Inspector Bird
From Scotland Yard
# 184
Ring-a-Ring o'Rosies
How I hate runny noses
"A tissue! A tissue!"
Then throw it in the bin!
# 185
The big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
The ally-ally-oh, the ally-ally-oh
Oh, the big ship sails on the ally-ally-oh
Just off the coast of Somalia
# 186
A wise old owl
Lived in an oak
He kept to himself
And he seldom spoke
Now that’s what you want in a neighbour
# 187
Mary liked to sunbathe nude
She found it quite relaxing
But if anyone could see her
They would say she needed waxing
# 188
I had a little pony,
They called him Dapple-grey.
I gave him to my brother,
But he gave it away.
# 189
I had a little nut tree,
Nothing would it bear
- So I chopped it down
# 190
A wise old owl lived in an oak
He kept to himself and he seldom spoke
And I think that’s rather anti social
# 192
I had a little pony,
They called him Bonny Blue.
I sold him to a man,
Who turned him into glue.
# 193
Mary was a little tart
All the girls called her a ho
Because everyman in town
Had seen her down below
MES # 194
Three little kittens
They lost their mittens,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our mittens."
"What! Lost your mittens,
You silly kittens!
Don’t worry we’ll get some more from Primark
# 195
A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
And they will surely die
Because between me and you
They would spoil the BBQ
# 196
Cuckoo, cuckoo, what do you do?
Not much at all really
I’m a bit of a parasite
I turn up when things are on the up
I let others raise my young
Then I go home when the food runs out
I’m the avian equivalent
Of an economic migrant
# 197
I saw a ship a-sailing,
A-sailing on the sea.
And, oh, but it was laden
With pretty things for thee
There were comfits in the cabin,
And apples in the hold;
But the ship was taken
By Somali pirates bold
# 198
Handy spandy Jack-a-dandy
Loves plum cake and sugar candy,
He bought some at the grocers shop
Because of the sugar rush he can’t stop
# 199
In the merry month of May
When green leaves begin to spring,
Little lambs do skip like fairies
And lovers do couple, to do their thing
# 200
Little Betty Blue
Lost her holiday shoe:
What can little Betty do?
Don’t tell her mother
She’s been doing the other
And she’s lost more than her shoe
# 201
Three little kitties
They lost their skimpies,
And they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear,
We sadly fear
That we have lost our skimpies."
"What! Lost your skimpies,
You silly kitties!
That’s the third time this month
Friday, 1 April 2011
Friday, 18 March 2011
THAT’S A RELIEF
I was arrested in my local paper shop today
And taken to the nearest station without delay
I had masturbated over a copy of the Beano
But as it was for Comic Relief the police let me go
And taken to the nearest station without delay
I had masturbated over a copy of the Beano
But as it was for Comic Relief the police let me go
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
LEG MAN
It begins with a cursory glance
Long before the beguiling smile
Or the girlish giggle,
Or the flick of the head
That makes her hair dance
Somewhere between the appraisal of a shapely leg
And the curiosity of what lay hidden
And you are smitten
And while your defences are down
It tiptoes into your heart almost unnoticed
It whispers into your brain.
And touches your soul
Then you are in love
And lost to reason
All for the glance of a shapely leg
Long before the beguiling smile
Or the girlish giggle,
Or the flick of the head
That makes her hair dance
Somewhere between the appraisal of a shapely leg
And the curiosity of what lay hidden
And you are smitten
And while your defences are down
It tiptoes into your heart almost unnoticed
It whispers into your brain.
And touches your soul
Then you are in love
And lost to reason
All for the glance of a shapely leg
WAS IT DESTINY?
Was it destiny?
Or an act of providence
That wove the threads
On the eternal tapestry
What twist of fate?
What unseen hand
Rolled the fateful die
That moved us on our paths
What unseen gamer
Steered my avatar to yours
For what reason
Did the fates conspire?
To cross our paths
To bind our souls
What great celestial clock
Struck time
And brought us both to this place
To this time
To each other
Who must we thank?
Or an act of providence
That wove the threads
On the eternal tapestry
What twist of fate?
What unseen hand
Rolled the fateful die
That moved us on our paths
What unseen gamer
Steered my avatar to yours
For what reason
Did the fates conspire?
To cross our paths
To bind our souls
What great celestial clock
Struck time
And brought us both to this place
To this time
To each other
Who must we thank?
BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP
BLACKBERRY CAT, RIP
BLACKBERRY 07/09/1991 to 04/11/2010
No more will I hear
Your most contented purr
That made you dribble on your fur
No more will I be greeted at the door
By your hello meow
No more will you pirouette around my feet
And perform your excited meal time dance
No more will you curl up on my lap
While I watch TV
No more will you curl up on the bed
When I go to sleep
Never again will I wake up
To hear your morning purr
For you have no more mornings
While you sleep your eternal sleep
You were more than a cat
You were a welcoming friend
A quiet companion
You were a constant
And I will miss you Blackberry
BLACKBERRY 07/09/1991 to 04/11/2010
No more will I hear
Your most contented purr
That made you dribble on your fur
No more will I be greeted at the door
By your hello meow
No more will you pirouette around my feet
And perform your excited meal time dance
No more will you curl up on my lap
While I watch TV
No more will you curl up on the bed
When I go to sleep
Never again will I wake up
To hear your morning purr
For you have no more mornings
While you sleep your eternal sleep
You were more than a cat
You were a welcoming friend
A quiet companion
You were a constant
And I will miss you Blackberry
ANY OLD PORT IN A STORM
I was stranded and lonely with time to kill
And I was looking for someone to cure my ill
They told me about the only available “miss”
Who went by the unkind name of ugly Agnes
“Left on the shelf, plain as a pike as a staff”
“Facing the wall” he said followed by a laugh
I figured she’d be better than nothing at all
The girl left on the shelf, facing the wall
They gave me some direction to follow
Where I crept to and peeked in the window
I spied her in the candle lights flicker
Legs akimbo showing a glimpse of knicker
This old maid, who’d been left on the shelf
Was sat home alone pleasuring herself
There was nothing homely about this old maid
As she caressed herself and erotically played
And as I watched her deft self seduction
I was anxious to make my introduction
Outside I banged hard on the front door
Inside I banged her hard on the floor
But the savage and primeval union
Led to a more tender sensual communion
What had begun as “any old port in a storm”
Ended with me proud to stay till the dawn
Now I often get stranded with time to kill
And I know where to go to cure my ill
The local call her Ugly Agnes or Plain Jane
But I go to love her again and again
And I was looking for someone to cure my ill
They told me about the only available “miss”
Who went by the unkind name of ugly Agnes
“Left on the shelf, plain as a pike as a staff”
“Facing the wall” he said followed by a laugh
I figured she’d be better than nothing at all
The girl left on the shelf, facing the wall
They gave me some direction to follow
Where I crept to and peeked in the window
I spied her in the candle lights flicker
Legs akimbo showing a glimpse of knicker
This old maid, who’d been left on the shelf
Was sat home alone pleasuring herself
There was nothing homely about this old maid
As she caressed herself and erotically played
And as I watched her deft self seduction
I was anxious to make my introduction
Outside I banged hard on the front door
Inside I banged her hard on the floor
But the savage and primeval union
Led to a more tender sensual communion
What had begun as “any old port in a storm”
Ended with me proud to stay till the dawn
Now I often get stranded with time to kill
And I know where to go to cure my ill
The local call her Ugly Agnes or Plain Jane
But I go to love her again and again
RMS TITANIC
The finest ship of the White Star Line,
Titanic majestically sailed the brine
A floating palace of opulence
A thing of beauty and elegance
But beauty is but a fragile veneer
And conceals a truth more austere
Into the depths Europe’s poor, are thrust
Travelling in steerage like human ballast
The iceberg cut her stem to stern
But at first no one showed concern
Except the poor below the waterline
Where it quickly filled with Icy brine
“Only God himself could sink her”
It was claimed by an unknown author
The Titanic promoted by J. Bruce Ismay
Quickly sank to his utter dismay
Titanic majestically sailed the brine
A floating palace of opulence
A thing of beauty and elegance
But beauty is but a fragile veneer
And conceals a truth more austere
Into the depths Europe’s poor, are thrust
Travelling in steerage like human ballast
The iceberg cut her stem to stern
But at first no one showed concern
Except the poor below the waterline
Where it quickly filled with Icy brine
“Only God himself could sink her”
It was claimed by an unknown author
The Titanic promoted by J. Bruce Ismay
Quickly sank to his utter dismay
THE SOUND OF SILENCE
When we first started dating
I had no expectation of forever
I was content with the immediate
And enjoyed each moment with her
All the mundane chatter
And flirtatious wordplay
Leading to the longing looks
And the sentimental words of love
Back then time evaporated,
Hours seeming to pass in seconds
And in all those moments
Precluding our life together
The one thing we never had was silence
But that was then and this is now
And now the silence deafens me
No more chatter
Words are used miserly
As if endowed with great value
And not to be wasted
On flirtation or sentiment
Words, when used, now bite
With venomous spite
Moments now last an eternity
Clocks that once seemed to race through time
Run now in slow motion
Her contemptuous looks wither me
Longing now for my extinction
I had no expectation of forever
I was content with the immediate
And enjoyed each moment with her
All the mundane chatter
And flirtatious wordplay
Leading to the longing looks
And the sentimental words of love
Back then time evaporated,
Hours seeming to pass in seconds
And in all those moments
Precluding our life together
The one thing we never had was silence
But that was then and this is now
And now the silence deafens me
No more chatter
Words are used miserly
As if endowed with great value
And not to be wasted
On flirtation or sentiment
Words, when used, now bite
With venomous spite
Moments now last an eternity
Clocks that once seemed to race through time
Run now in slow motion
Her contemptuous looks wither me
Longing now for my extinction
SEPARATE
Sleeping separate nights
Living separate days
We live separate lives
Let’s go our separate ways
Living separate days
We live separate lives
Let’s go our separate ways
ABIGAILS TALE - ONE DAY VERY SOON
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into a sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home
She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time a letter arrives from home
With news from those she left behind
Her parents, loving and kind
Her sister annoyingly lovely
All her friends of long standing
And of course him
She left her home town
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage failed
So she is building a new life
Away from the people and places
Away from all the familiarity
That reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies
So she lives in a new town
And is making new friends
Discovering new familiar places
And trying to forget past mistakes
She has joined a new church
Where her angels voice
Sings in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself
One day very soon Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into a sofa
And not be homesick and sad
One day very soon Abigail will read
A long letter from home
And smile at it contents
And not feel the old pain strike
One day very soon
Abigail will let herself be happy
One day very soon
Abigail will forgive herself
Nestled into a sofa
Sits Abigail, homesick and sad
As she reads a letter from home
She knows the sadness will pass
And sooner this time than the last
It strikes each time a letter arrives from home
With news from those she left behind
Her parents, loving and kind
Her sister annoyingly lovely
All her friends of long standing
And of course him
She left her home town
The only place she had ever lived
After her marriage failed
So she is building a new life
Away from the people and places
Away from all the familiarity
That reminded her daily
Of her failure and her inadequacies
So she lives in a new town
And is making new friends
Discovering new familiar places
And trying to forget past mistakes
She has joined a new church
Where her angels voice
Sings in praise to heaven
And she is finding peace within herself
One day very soon Abigail will sit
In the comfort of the coffee shop
Nestled into a sofa
And not be homesick and sad
One day very soon Abigail will read
A long letter from home
And smile at it contents
And not feel the old pain strike
One day very soon
Abigail will let herself be happy
One day very soon
Abigail will forgive herself
MORNING DELIVERY
The sun slips beyond the horizon
Like a letter slips into an envelope
Where it will stay until the dawn
When the envelope reopens
Spilling its contents into the sky
Brightening the world
Lifting the heart with its delivery
Like a missive from a loved one
Like a letter slips into an envelope
Where it will stay until the dawn
When the envelope reopens
Spilling its contents into the sky
Brightening the world
Lifting the heart with its delivery
Like a missive from a loved one
TAKING OFFENCE
People are so easily offended today
This is quite ironic really
As due to political correctness
We are censored so heavily
And with all the sanitising
There is so little opportunity
But those who do take offence
Fall into three distinct categories
Firstly, the genuinely offended
Those who feel the detriment,
Whose opinion is seldom heard
Unless it’s politically expedient
Second, the white middle class heterosexuals
Who like to be offended on others behalf
And are particularly suspicious
At anything that gets a laugh
Thirdly, come the professionals
Those who get offended for a living
They frequent the morning TV sofas
And are relentlessly unforgiving
The professionals feel no offence
But find their roles financially fulfilling
They will take umbrage for anyone
Just to earn another shilling
Even worse however is anticipated offence
Those who want to act just in case
Some unspeakable offence may be caused
If things are unchanged or left in place
The original intention may well have been
That a better society was planned
But what they have managed to do instead
Is to make the world more bland
This is quite ironic really
As due to political correctness
We are censored so heavily
And with all the sanitising
There is so little opportunity
But those who do take offence
Fall into three distinct categories
Firstly, the genuinely offended
Those who feel the detriment,
Whose opinion is seldom heard
Unless it’s politically expedient
Second, the white middle class heterosexuals
Who like to be offended on others behalf
And are particularly suspicious
At anything that gets a laugh
Thirdly, come the professionals
Those who get offended for a living
They frequent the morning TV sofas
And are relentlessly unforgiving
The professionals feel no offence
But find their roles financially fulfilling
They will take umbrage for anyone
Just to earn another shilling
Even worse however is anticipated offence
Those who want to act just in case
Some unspeakable offence may be caused
If things are unchanged or left in place
The original intention may well have been
That a better society was planned
But what they have managed to do instead
Is to make the world more bland
DEAR LOST AND FOUND
Dear lost and found
Can you please assist?
Lost – one heart
In poor general condition
Broken repeatedly
Repaired shoddily
(Too many times to count)
It is a good heart
Generous in proportion
True and steady
Not of fickle disposition
A trusting heart
A heart given freely
Last possessed by Julie
Heart was last seen
Being trodden underfoot
By previous keeper
Can you please assist?
Lost – one heart
In poor general condition
Broken repeatedly
Repaired shoddily
(Too many times to count)
It is a good heart
Generous in proportion
True and steady
Not of fickle disposition
A trusting heart
A heart given freely
Last possessed by Julie
Heart was last seen
Being trodden underfoot
By previous keeper
EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
You always feel like
A Sunflower amidst the Daffodils
A Thistle among the Tulips
Out of place, unsightly
You see yourself
As the ugly duckling
But who never transformed
Into the beautiful swan
You feel ugly and at odds
Ungainly and ungraceful
How wrong you are
To me you are perfection
You should feel like
You are a Rose amidst Cabbages
An Orchid among Daises
In pride of place, radiant
I see you as
The beautiful signet
Who was transformed
Into a beautiful graceful swan
That’s how I see you
An angel from the host
A goddess among mortals
Whom I shall forever worship
A Sunflower amidst the Daffodils
A Thistle among the Tulips
Out of place, unsightly
You see yourself
As the ugly duckling
But who never transformed
Into the beautiful swan
You feel ugly and at odds
Ungainly and ungraceful
How wrong you are
To me you are perfection
You should feel like
You are a Rose amidst Cabbages
An Orchid among Daises
In pride of place, radiant
I see you as
The beautiful signet
Who was transformed
Into a beautiful graceful swan
That’s how I see you
An angel from the host
A goddess among mortals
Whom I shall forever worship
THE HOST OF STREET ANGELS
Spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
A host of angels on the beat
Where the folk of Woking meet
Armed only with Gods light
To illuminate those in plight
But not to preach or evangelise
Nor to judge or chastise
But to listen with sympathetic ears
Offer a tissue to stem the tears
Have a Christian heart to care
And make a difference there
For road weary travellers
And over enthusiastic revellers
The intoxicated and the incapable
The distressed and the vulnerable
And for the impromptu shoeless
And the temporarily clueless
They have sensible Flip flops
And sugar boosting Lollipops
So spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
And their blessed presence on the street
Shows that God is on his feet
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
A host of angels on the beat
Where the folk of Woking meet
Armed only with Gods light
To illuminate those in plight
But not to preach or evangelise
Nor to judge or chastise
But to listen with sympathetic ears
Offer a tissue to stem the tears
Have a Christian heart to care
And make a difference there
For road weary travellers
And over enthusiastic revellers
The intoxicated and the incapable
The distressed and the vulnerable
And for the impromptu shoeless
And the temporarily clueless
They have sensible Flip flops
And sugar boosting Lollipops
So spread the good news
By any means you choose
Pass on the news to all
Herald it with clarion call
And drummers drumming
The Street Angels are coming
And their blessed presence on the street
Shows that God is on his feet
Tuesday, 22 February 2011
ANOTHER MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR
TAKEN ITS TOLL
I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling
I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong
I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell
I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out
So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain
Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light
Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod
Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more
So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling
A CALCULATED DECISION
Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption
TENSE TRAVELLER
I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham
KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY
I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing
ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE
Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day
EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1
You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing
CLEANING HOUSE
My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair
MEDICAL PRACTICE
I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else
TAKEN AT THE FLOOD
As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?
OH YES HE IS
On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him
THE CORRECT SOLUTION
I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution
THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD
Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner
SELF ANALYSIS
Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary
HELP LINE # 3
I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged
THE LOUD MINORITY
People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them
DOCTOR MANNERS
Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”
THE LATEST FAD
I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.
GO WAYNE
“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”
SWEET GIRL
Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts
DIVORCE IS..... # 1
Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation
CORNERING THE MARKET
The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners
I don’t have a bell to ring
Someone’s taken my dingaling
I don’t know what’s wrong
Someone has taken my dong
I don’t know why the bloody hell
I can’t seem to ring my bell
I know the batteries haven’t run out
It’s not old and clapped out
So I’m at a loss to explain
Why I’m out here in the pouring rain
Now wait a moment that’s not right
It should be visible an LED light
Now that really is quite odd
It’s gone, some thieving little sod
Has stolen the bell push off the door
Light and all, to be seen no more
So I don’t have a bell to ring
As someone’s stolen my dingaling
A CALCULATED DECISION
Miss Armitage entered Calculus class
To stand amidst a disorderly eruption
And she immediately confiscated a catapult
Deemed to be a weapon of math disruption
TENSE TRAVELLER
I just returned yesterday
From the town of Oldham
But as that is in the past now
I suppose it should be Feltham
KATIE SINGS LIBERALLY
I have to say my heart was gladdened
When I heard Katie Melua sing
China has obviously come a long way
If there are 9 million bisexuals in Beijing
ENGLISH DEFENDERS LEAGUE
Goals scored in the premiership
Reached record numbers on Saturday
But that’s what happens when you hold
An EDL rally on the same day
EXTREME SPORTS TIP # 1
You don’t need a parachute
To go skydiving
Unless you want to make it
A regular thing
CLEANING HOUSE
My wife and I went up to the loft the other day
And I cleaned it with her while we were there
But oh dear now there is all hell to pay
As I cant get the cobwebs out of her hair
MEDICAL PRACTICE
I refuse to go to the local doctors,
A medical practice part of the NHS
And I know beggars can’t be choosers
But they can practice on somebody else
TAKEN AT THE FLOOD
As I stand by the placid waters
Watching as the evening sky glows
I ask myself the question
Why didn't Noah kill the two mosquitoes?
OH YES HE IS
On stage at the Victoria
The lad playing Aladdin
Was attacked from behind
But the audience tried to warn him
THE CORRECT SOLUTION
I was caught stealing Tippex
You know, the liquid correction solution
Well my employer pressed charges
And I was sent to a correctional institution
THE PERILS OF FAST FOOD
Why did the hapless Wile E. Coyote
In pursuit of his nemesis, Roadrunner
Spend a fortune on ACME products
Every all singing, all dancing, must have winner
If he had all that money to burn
He could just have paid for his dinner
SELF ANALYSIS
Are you clinically obese?
Is your alcohol intake quite scary?
Do you like to dress up as a woman?
Then eat, drink and be Mary
HELP LINE # 3
I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having my condition assuaged
But try as I might it was always engaged
THE LOUD MINORITY
People today are so self obsessed
So wrapped up in themselves
Banging on about THEIR rights
THEIR civil liberties THEIR freedoms
They have forgotten about the people
Who fought and died to win them
DOCTOR MANNERS
Elsie went to see her doctor
Because of persistent back pain
The doctor was less than sympathetic
Having to examine her again
“I’m sorry Elsie but as I told you before
Its old age, you’re just getting on a bit”
Elsie demanded a second opinion
He said “ok, you also have saggy tits”
THE LATEST FAD
I’ve been on every diet known to man
Atkins, Lemonade, Cabbage and f-plan
And I’ve never lost a thing worthy of mention
But I try every new one, full of good intention
Now I'm on the Whisky diet, which I’m taking steady
And do you know I've lost three days already.
GO WAYNE
“Wayne, go to the paper shop”
“Wayne? Go to the paper shop”
“Cant do it babe, it can’t be done”
“Wayne, just get off your bum”
“Cant be done babe, I can’t do it”
“Wayne just do it you lazy git”
“I’m not being lazy babe honestly”
“It just can’t be done babe really”
“Coz I went to the paper shop yesterday
And it had blown away”
SWEET GIRL
Ahla was very cute and sweet
And she worked at the sweetshop
An appropriate occupation
For such a confection
I asked her out one day
And too my surprise she said yes
But on our first date I found
She was not so cute and sweet
But was rather deliciously sinful
And she gave me a proper treat
But I wasn’t the first to dip his liquorice
In that particular fountain
Every lad with a sweet tooth
Had sampled her pick and mix
Even the oldies with a taste for soft centres
Had tried her Turkish delight
But I didn’t mind sharing
After all a bag of candy goes a long way
But I had to draw the line
When I heard about Bertie Bassett
With whom she did Allsorts
DIVORCE IS..... # 1
Divorce is…
Cathartic, purification
Therapeutically purgative
Like colonic irrigation
CORNERING THE MARKET
The corner shop has reopened
It’s been closed for a bit
It’s got new owners
And they’ve had a refit
I’m not sure if it will succeed
It’s a bit of a niche market
But there’s a new corner shop
So I thought I would try it
I told them “It’s a bit specialized”
I felt it only fare to warn her
And it’s called “the corner shop”
I just bought the four corners
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
A MIXED COLLECTION OF HUMOUR
HOUSEWIFE
When I used to leave the house
I kissed my wife goodbye
Now as I leave my wife
I have kissed the house goodbye
LOOSE MORALS #1
She was without her knickers at Twickers
There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch
There was a blushing fellow at flushing meadow
When she was legs akimbo in the limo
PHILOSOPHICAL REMINDER
Even though hurting you
Is the very last thing I want to do
Not to tell you this would be remiss
It is still on the list.
CONDOM
In the Middle Ages
The condom was invented
Using a goat's lower intestine
So pregnancy could be prevented
It was an innovation of its time
But birth rates were un-dented
So a simple modification was made
Resulting in a drop in births
They simply removed the intestine
From the goat first
HELP LINE # 2
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
But I was extremely disappointed to be told
By the disembodied voice that I should hold
SOLICITING
A lady of the night
Was arrested by a cop
For selling herself
At a busy, truck stop
“I am not selling myself”
She told her accuser
“I am selling condoms
With a free applicator”
LOOSE MORALS # 2
She showed all her bits in Biarritz
She went all the way in St Tropez
When she got hot on a yacht
And got bare arsed before the mast
BIRTH DEFECT
A woman gave birth to a baby
And knew instantly that it was not right
“What’s wrong?” She asked the doctor
He said “your child is a hermaphrodite”
The woman had no idea what that was
But knew from his demeanour, it wasn’t good
The doctor hesitated before speaking
“It means the baby has more organs than it should”
“The baby is equipped as a man and a woman”
The doctor had to further explain
Before the woman finally understood
“You mean the baby has a penis and a brain”?
A PINCH OF SALT
Take life with a pinch of salt
So the old adage goes
So follow the advice
Take it from one who knows
Take life with a pinch of salt
Take it from a wise fella
Just follow it with a slice of lemon
And a good shot of tequila
SENIOR TRUTH
If I must tell the truth about getting old,
Then I shall put all my cards on the table
Even when I’m naked I still want to
Slip into something more comfortable
NOT PAYING ATTENSION
I was only half listening to the radio
So I’m not sure if I heard right
But I think the gist of it was
“Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite”
I think it was the weather forecast,
Meaning “Persistent rain but occasionally bright”
LOOSE MORALS # 3
There was some show n tell at the hotel
When she showed her tits in St Kitts
She was asked to leave would you beleive
So she showed them again on the plane
IN MY GHIA
Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia
Whether it be far of near
No matter if the roads are clear
In my mirror to the rear
A BMW’s Teutonic sneer
Will almost always appear
SEX EDUCATION 101
Peaches told her mother when she got home
Tommy showed me his willy at school today
The mother in shocked silence heard her continue
"It reminded me of a peanut in a way”
The mother relaxed a little with this addition
As it was not the answer for which she was braced
“Is that because it was really, really small”?
Peaches replied, "No because it had a salty taste”
ERIC THE CLERIC
Atmospheric Eric
An evangelical cleric
Was highly esoteric
And was quite mesmeric
But the atmospheric cleric
Was prone to the hysteric
And like his father Derek
Became a bedlam cleric
LOOSE MORALS # 4
She made women chatter at the regatta
But she made men quiver on the river
And when she was floating in a punt
There was absolutely nothing to see
PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS
The truth of the matter is I guess
That some folk cause happiness
Some cause it wherever they go
While with others it’s whenever they go
When I used to leave the house
I kissed my wife goodbye
Now as I leave my wife
I have kissed the house goodbye
LOOSE MORALS #1
She was without her knickers at Twickers
There was a little thatch at Brans Hatch
There was a blushing fellow at flushing meadow
When she was legs akimbo in the limo
PHILOSOPHICAL REMINDER
Even though hurting you
Is the very last thing I want to do
Not to tell you this would be remiss
It is still on the list.
CONDOM
In the Middle Ages
The condom was invented
Using a goat's lower intestine
So pregnancy could be prevented
It was an innovation of its time
But birth rates were un-dented
So a simple modification was made
Resulting in a drop in births
They simply removed the intestine
From the goat first
HELP LINE # 2
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can you help me pray”
But I was extremely disappointed to be told
By the disembodied voice that I should hold
SOLICITING
A lady of the night
Was arrested by a cop
For selling herself
At a busy, truck stop
“I am not selling myself”
She told her accuser
“I am selling condoms
With a free applicator”
LOOSE MORALS # 2
She showed all her bits in Biarritz
She went all the way in St Tropez
When she got hot on a yacht
And got bare arsed before the mast
BIRTH DEFECT
A woman gave birth to a baby
And knew instantly that it was not right
“What’s wrong?” She asked the doctor
He said “your child is a hermaphrodite”
The woman had no idea what that was
But knew from his demeanour, it wasn’t good
The doctor hesitated before speaking
“It means the baby has more organs than it should”
“The baby is equipped as a man and a woman”
The doctor had to further explain
Before the woman finally understood
“You mean the baby has a penis and a brain”?
A PINCH OF SALT
Take life with a pinch of salt
So the old adage goes
So follow the advice
Take it from one who knows
Take life with a pinch of salt
Take it from a wise fella
Just follow it with a slice of lemon
And a good shot of tequila
SENIOR TRUTH
If I must tell the truth about getting old,
Then I shall put all my cards on the table
Even when I’m naked I still want to
Slip into something more comfortable
NOT PAYING ATTENSION
I was only half listening to the radio
So I’m not sure if I heard right
But I think the gist of it was
“Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite”
I think it was the weather forecast,
Meaning “Persistent rain but occasionally bright”
LOOSE MORALS # 3
There was some show n tell at the hotel
When she showed her tits in St Kitts
She was asked to leave would you beleive
So she showed them again on the plane
IN MY GHIA
Wherever I drive my Ford Ghia
Whether it be far of near
No matter if the roads are clear
In my mirror to the rear
A BMW’s Teutonic sneer
Will almost always appear
SEX EDUCATION 101
Peaches told her mother when she got home
Tommy showed me his willy at school today
The mother in shocked silence heard her continue
"It reminded me of a peanut in a way”
The mother relaxed a little with this addition
As it was not the answer for which she was braced
“Is that because it was really, really small”?
Peaches replied, "No because it had a salty taste”
ERIC THE CLERIC
Atmospheric Eric
An evangelical cleric
Was highly esoteric
And was quite mesmeric
But the atmospheric cleric
Was prone to the hysteric
And like his father Derek
Became a bedlam cleric
LOOSE MORALS # 4
She made women chatter at the regatta
But she made men quiver on the river
And when she was floating in a punt
There was absolutely nothing to see
PHILOSOPHICAL HAPPINESS
The truth of the matter is I guess
That some folk cause happiness
Some cause it wherever they go
While with others it’s whenever they go
Friday, 11 February 2011
LOVE IS.....
Love is…
The beginning
And the end
And everything in between
Love is…
Taking moments
And making memories
Together
Love is…
The unspoken,
The unwritten,
All the things
We don’t have to say
Love is…
The golden thread
Binding us together
Love is…
The mundane,
The ordinary
And the everyday
Made extraordinary
Love is…
Not making promises
Its keeping them
Love is…
Being comfortable
With each other
Even in the silence
Love is…
Is a dream fulfilled
Or a wish come true
Love is…
Not fearing the quiet
Not doubting in the silence
Not feeding your insecurities
Not being jealous
Jealousy is not love
Love is…
Not a metaphor
Nor is it figurative
Or expressed in symbols
Love just is
The beginning
And the end
And everything in between
Love is…
Taking moments
And making memories
Together
Love is…
The unspoken,
The unwritten,
All the things
We don’t have to say
Love is…
The golden thread
Binding us together
Love is…
The mundane,
The ordinary
And the everyday
Made extraordinary
Love is…
Not making promises
Its keeping them
Love is…
Being comfortable
With each other
Even in the silence
Love is…
Is a dream fulfilled
Or a wish come true
Love is…
Not fearing the quiet
Not doubting in the silence
Not feeding your insecurities
Not being jealous
Jealousy is not love
Love is…
Not a metaphor
Nor is it figurative
Or expressed in symbols
Love just is
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