Steamer, you’ve left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the
lid on the pan? Oh no
I said steamer, you’ve
left behind a steamer
Well can’t you put the
lid on the pan? Oh no
I said “my God, what a
size, a girth, a length it is
You know – well you
know you left it hummin in view
Now there's not a lot
I can do
Sung to the tune of
Dreamer by Supertramp
It may be like fabric tearing
Or maybe gunfire
shooting
It may be like a
trumpet sounding
Or some other musical
tooting
It may be like a despairing
sigh
Or like a balloon
deflating
It may be like a duck
quacking
Or some small mammals
mating
But whether loud or
soft
Short or long, musical,
or flat
There’s one thing for
sure
You can’t keep it in
so that’s that
I am not embarrassed
When the trumpet
sounds
Like when Joshua
brought
Jericho’s walls
falling down
But my wife feels
differently
And her face does
frown
When I happen to
loudly fart
As we are walking in
town
I went to see the doctor
With fluid on the knee
And do you know what
he said?
“Take better aim when
you pee”
If you need a job doing
Then you need Seth
He is cold, deadly
And as ruthless as
He strikes with a
deadly puff
A foul satisfying
breath
He is the flatulator
The noxious dealer of
death
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment
or fee
But give the most
satisfaction
In spite of their
simplicity
Like the unparalleled
relief
Of letting your wind
go free
Just because when you fart
It sounds like an angel’s
breath
It doesn’t mean for a
moment
That it will not smell
like death
They were found in the toilet
In flagrante delicto
Well done mum and dad
That’s the way to go
Since I happily retired
I have the reason and
rhyme
To devote to my
hobbies
So, I spend most of my
time
In the pursuit of excellence
And just in my spare
time
I have perfected the
art
Of converting beer and
wine
Incredibly quickly
Into pure golden urine
The simplest pleasures in life
Requiring no payment
or fee
But give the most
satisfaction
In spite of their
simplicity
Like the unparalleled
relief
You get from taking a
pee
I got the tell-tale sign
As I was stood in
crowd
And I knew its
containment
Would not be aloud
So, what should I do?
Release a silent
gaseous cloud
And slowly move away
Or just let rip long
and loud
A fart of which
Le Pétomane would be
proud
You feel the gripey twinge
Your tummy starts to
grown
It always happens in
the lift
When you’re not alone
You know it won’t be
held
You just hope there is
time
To get off the lift
Before you commit the
crime
And just when you
think
You can’t hold it
anymore
The lift comes to a
stop
Though it’s not your
floor
But you decide to get
off
As you can’t hold it
anymore
And release a quiet
fart
As you step through
the door
You sigh with relief
You made it just in
time
And then the doors close
On the scene of the
crime
And even though
You’re on the wrong
floor
You know your smelly
fart
Is the other side of
the door
The fetor of the sewerage farm
With its strong
offensive smell
Could not be easily
confined
Behind the high
palings of its cell
Do you know why it is?
That old people like
to keep a pet
Is it for the
exercise?
Or a bit of company,
better yet
Well, the truth of it
is
And this will leave
you all agog
It’s so when they bend
down and break wind
They can blame it on
the dog
Blow, blow thou inner wind -
Thou art so unkind
As man's flatulence
Thy toot is not so keen,
Because thou art not
seen,
Although thy breath be
rude
To break wind alfresco
Seems to me such a
waste
If you can feel it
coming
Move inside with all
haste
Stand under the air
conditioning
Then everyone gets a
taste
My wife was tragically overcome
By a very unsavoury
hum
To which she did
succumb
As a result of the
deadly aroma
My wife of ten years,
Oma
Now lies prone in a
coma
But the main reason
I’m so glum
Is that the offending
noxious hum
Actually emanated from
my bum
So, my dear wife alas
and alack
Now lays motionless on
her back
Because of her husband’s
gas attack
I phoned the incontinence help line today
To say “I’m Mrs.
Brown, can you help me pray”
In the hope of having
my condition assuaged
But try as I might it
was always engaged
I phoned the incontinence help line today
“I’m Mrs. Brown, can
you help me pray”
But I was extremely
disappointed to be told
By the disembodied voice that I should hold
When it’s time to siphon the python
First adjust the angle
of dangle
And aim true, at the
loo
You’ll stand in your
own piss, if you miss
Don’t get in a muddle
and leave a puddle
When finished shake
the snake
Or tap the old chap
Make sure the eye is
dry
As you stand there,
have a care
Don’t go yet and stow wet
Or you’ll feel the
warm glow, down below
