TELETUBBIES NEWS # 2

 

Breaking news, a Theme Park

For the Teletubbies is planned

But it only features one of them

It’s going to be called Po Land

Uncanny Tales – (015) The Girl in the Blue Dress

 

My wife Carrie and I were on our way to New Broadcasting House, as we had a meeting at the One Show Production office.

It was a busy in Portland Place, but then it always was, there was always a tail back from the junction by the Langham Hotel and a stream of pedestrians filing past All Souls Church, but Carrie and I were often at the BBC so it was nothing out of the ordinary.

On this particular occasion it was a lovely bright summer’s afternoon and the sun was very warm, and it was that time of day when everyone had been for lunch and were all scurrying back to their offices.

Indeed it was just another day in W1, that is, until Carrie said

“What’s going on?”

“What?” I asked and then followed her gaze to where a girl in a blue dress was walking towards us, who was causing something of a stir.

That in itself was strange because she was a rather innocuous looking girl, certainly no more than mildly attractive certainly not a stunner or of movie star calibre, and yet she caused every head to turn, male and female, young and old.

Men’s jaws dropped to the floor and their eyes stood out on stalks and women either looked sternly and shook their collective heads or stared lustily, and this behaviour was not restricted to pedestrians, car drivers and Taxi passengers joined in the ogling.

“What are they all gawping at?” I asked

“No idea” She replied also questioning if this unremarkable girl was worthy of all the attention, but as she passed us and our eyes followed her the reason soon became apparent.

The hem of her skirt had snagged on an adornment on the ornamental belt rendering her rear aspect from waist downward exposed.

Though it wasn’t that which had elicited the response she had received, that was due solely to the fact she had neglected to wear any pants.

As she continued on and turned more heads, I asked my wife

“Shouldn’t we tell her?”

“No” she replied after a moment of deliberation “little tart”

 

I HAVE JUST HEARD THE LATEST NEWS

 

I have just heard the latest news

About the Pandemic, on the BBC

And I was shocked, an epidemic

Of wandering Pandas terrify me

PUBLIC INQUIRY

 

Our venerable leader Tony Blair

Stood smiling in the media glair

Andrew Gilligan stood by his story

As the PM lied to Liberal and Tory

The Alasdair Campbell dossier lied

And poor David Kelly was crucified

At the BBC Greg Dyke resigned as D.G.

Tony Blair smiled a bit too smugly

He wanted a way to keep the truth hid

That’s what the Hutton whitewash did

PARKY

 

It’s the end of an era now Michael Parkinson has retired; he was the last of his kind, a special breed.

The last of great chat show host and a master of his craft, who considered a great interview to be one where he had to say very little.

Now alas we have comedians sitting in the hosts chair trying to fill his shoes.

Skinner and Norton and others of their ilk who think they’re at a gig and the guests are merely an extension of their audience.

The worst of all is Jonathon Ross who thinks himself the star and his guests are the supporting cast with whom he can manipulate the conversation to the point where he can use a pre-planned gag.

When he does stop performing his act and using his guests as the stooges to bounce his gags off and finally asks a question, he invariably answers the question as well normally with another tedious gag.

By the time, the interview is over you know no more about the guest than you did before it started.

But it’s not just comedians of course who have tried and failed Clive James, Clive Anderson, pop stars, politicians, royals, socialites you name them they’ve all tried it and the end result is always the same. Hosts who are more interested in what they have to say than their guests in short people with big egos only interested in self-promotion.

The guests themselves don’t help the situation as they are only there because their production company, recording co, publishing co etc. want them to publicize their latest project or product.

So now all the great interviewers have gone, and we must mourn the lost art of interviewing because none of the younger exponents have bothered to learn the craft from Michael Parkinson’s example.

SUPER VOLCANO

 

My wife and I sat down one Sunday night to watch, what we thought was a nice little medical drama on the BBC about a Super Eruption which we quite innocently believed to be about an epidemic of teenage acne.

Well, I can tell you that what we saw, and I not ashamed to say this, frightened the life out of us.

I haven’t seen my present wife that distressed since her latex glove split while she was worming the dog.

When I consulted the Radio Times to make sure we had been watching the right channel I noticed a BBC documentary, directly following the program on BBC2, on the very subject of the drama we had just watched. .

I knew we could rely on the BBC to put the true story and allay all our fears.

Now as a result of the documentary my wife has taken a handful of Valium and I’m writing this from the cupboard under the stairs we were not at all reassured and it seems fact is worse than fiction.

BBC - BIG BUDGET CUTS

Having heard the news about the job losses and general cutbacks at the BBC I thought you might be interested in seeing this leaked BBC document from Dame Leslie to her underlings or department heads that found it way into me possession.

Beneath the BBC logo it is sub headed BIG BUDGET CUTS.

We need to make economies or that’s your bonus gone and the cars.

LAVATORIES, it would be preferable if staff could hold it until they get home but if they must use our facilities they should not flush every time they go, one in three is ample and they only need to wash one hand.

CLEANING SERVICES will be cut and staff will need clean their own offices and studios or get someone to do it for them, the public school boys will know what that means.

CATERING, teabags should be shared and all vending machines, tea trolleys and canteens will only sell food that’s past it sell by date your normally good for a week out of date anyway and I think fresh sandwiches are overrated.

 

This is only the first salvo in the war on waste.

 

Signed Dame Leslie Douglas

 

I expect her new catch phrase will be “glad not to have you on board”

I’ll keep you posted if I get any more. 

HIM AND I

 

The TV and radio airways are now awash

With colloquial accents, no longer posh

Scouse and Geordie slang pervade the ears

And Brummie talk will bring a man to tears

Welsh and Scottish tones dispense the news

Guttural pronouncements from their shoes

The new name for this invasion of your home

Known as I.V.S. or irritable vowel syndrome