This is the way the ladies ride
yes, yes, yes. oh yes
Monday, 31 October 2022
ARE YOU WEARING IT FOR A REASON? # 2
Are you wearing it for a reason?
Is it because of the
festive season?
You won’t be kissed
under the mistletoe
Because you’re wearing
it too low
WE HAVE LOVED EGGS # 1
We have loved eggs
Since we were children
Boneless chickens
My dad used to call
them
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don’t know what to do
About all the sex,
nudity,
Foul language and
violence
On my DVD
A COUPLE OF WOMEN
A couple of women
Live next door to me
One is middle-aged
And teaches PE
The other a social
worker
In her mid-twenties
They go everywhere
together
If you, please
And I’ve never seen a
man
Either enter or leave
I’m beginning to think
That they might be
Lebanese
ON HER CHARIOT DRAWN BY GRIFFINS
On her chariot drawn by griffins
The maiden goddess,
dispensing justice
With rod, scales, sword,
and scourge
The avenger of crime, Nemesis
BEING FROM AN ARMY FAMILY I DREADED
Being from an army family I dreaded
Being invited to the
officer’s mess
Because I’d have one
too many margarita’s
And it always ends in
distress
WHEN I SUGGESTED YOU NEEDED PROTECTION
When I suggested you needed protection
I wasn’t meaning you
needed a condom
I was merely wondering
if you happened
To have a suitable
raincoat to put on
I WAS ALMOST DROWNED
I was almost drowned
Just a few miles from
shore
And my life passed
before my eyes
God it was a total
bore
HE ASKED ME A QUESTION
He asked me a question
In the most cryptic of
ways
Does your mouth bleed?
Every twenty-eight
days?
And I didn’t recognise
it
As an insult for
several days
Sunday, 30 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 277
Is John Smith within?
Yes there was one to begin
Followed by many more
Smiths
And now I’m quite
pithed
ARE YOU WEARING A PUZZLED EXPRESSION?
Are you wearing a puzzled expression?
You must really think
I have some gall
But if it wasn’t for
pickpockets like me
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?
Are you wearing a witch’s hat?
Or is it just a kind
of mirage
And did you just call
that
Broom cupboard your
garage
AT THE GHOSTLY HOUSE
At the ghostly house
There is a familiar
theme
Because for dessert
They always have ice
scream
ALL GOOD GHOSTLY KIDS
All good ghostly kids
Are brought up good
and true
And they will never
spook
Until they’re spooken
to
SNIP! SNAP! HALLOWEEN
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
Here comes the flaming bowl
So let mischief take its toll
Just as this Halloween comes
Snatch at the feast of
plums
In amongst the
Brandy’s flame
It’s our favourite
Halloween game
Snip! Snap! Dragon!
I BUY MY WIFE A GIFT FOR HALLOWEEN
I buy my wife a gift for Halloween
Though not the gift
giving season
Because Halloween is
like Christmas
For witches and that’s
the reason
I WAS STOOD AT THE BAR LAST NIGHT
I was stood at the bar last night
When a vampire gave me
a fright
As I fully expected
him to take a bite
But instead, he
ordered a blood light
OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN
It’s that time of year again, Halloween
Oh how I hate it and
its practitioners
All year round we tell
our children
“Don’t accept sweets
from strangers”
We instil in them from
an early age
“Don’t ever approach
or talk to strangers”
Then at Halloween we
send them out
To ask for sweets at
the doors of strangers
When children dressed
as monsters
Terrorize the neighbourhood
Begging from door to
door
Demanding sweets and
treats
For not vandalizing
your property
The older children or
should I say yobs
Wear masks and
disguise them selves
Clearly training for a
life of crime
A yob in a funny
outfit is still a yob
It’s that time of year
again
The night of night to
ignore the doorbell
It’s not twee or cute
it’s just annoying
I try to be polite
when I shoo them from my door
But I know I will get
up next morning
With fake blood
smeared on the front door
Eggs smashed on my
windscreen
And rubbish strewn
across my garden
God, I hate Halloween
and its practitioners
ALL HALLOWS EVE
I hide behind the sofa quivering in fear
Now the witching hour
is near
The curtains are drawn
tight
And I’ve turned off
the lights
The TV volume is way
down low
I sit and cower in its
feeble glow
Then comes the knock
upon the door
And I curl up
quivering on the floor
My heart is pounding
my breath is shallow
My mouth is dry it’s
hard to swallow
On all hallows eve I
live in mortal dread
But not of monsters or
the un-dead
The fear that turns my
heart to stone
Is Trick or Treaters
knowing I’m home
THE THREE FOOT GHOSTS AND GHOULS
The three-foot ghosts and ghouls
Roam the neighbourhood streets
Demanding candy with menaces
When tricks arise after no treats
DARK MONSTERS FROM THE PITS OF HELL
Dark monsters from the pits of hell
Ghosts and ghouls from
where they dwell
Witch or warlock cast
a withering spell
All answering the ring
of the Halloween bell
Saturday, 29 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 276
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Reading a copy of “Jugs”
Not a classy read
He did willingly
concede
But it gave him a
couple of tugs
ARE YOU WEARING SCRUBS?
Are you wearing scrubs?
It’s not a sexy look
It’s something and
nothing
In my book
Even though you’re
fit.
I don’t care if you’re
Naked underneath
I don’t care if you’re
Extremely slutty
You have scrubs on.
I like the nurse’s
uniform
Of Pristine cotton
And starched white
apron
A silly hat
And Black stockings
Scrubs leave me flat
But the uniform
Is a different issue
That gets me going…
oops
Have you got a tissue?
CERIDWEN
The Welsh enchantress,
Goddess Ceridwen
Celtic goddess of
rebirth
And transformation
Keeper of the cauldron
Of poetic inspiration
Mother and daughter
Heroine of the wiccan
TWITTER HALLOWEEN NIGHT
The invitation went out
To the twitter
followers
About Halloween night
And the trick or
treaters
It’s much safer than
being
Out on the streets
And it’s better for
you
To do twick or tweets
WE WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY # 1
We went to a fancy dress party
I was a wizard, and
she was a witch
But I knew it was time
to leave
When she tapped her
witch watch
MY LITTLE NIECE GOES TO HOGWARTS
My little niece goes to Hogwarts
She’s a witch and
she’s excelling
But of all the subjects
she takes
Her favourite one is
spelling
WE WENT TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY # 2
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Hogwarts theme
There was me and my
girlfriend
And her twin sister
Irene
However, after a drink
or two
Alcohol caused a bit
of a hitch
As with twin witches I
couldn’t
Tell which witch was
which
MY KIDS LOVE HALLOWEEN
My kids love Halloween
And not just trick or
treat
We play lots of games
Especially Hide and
Shriek
THE MODERN DAY WITCH
The modern day witch
Performs her manoeuvre
Flying across the sky
On a household hoover
ARE YOU WEARING A DRACULA OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Dracula outfit?
Well, I promise not to
put up a fight
And at the end of the
Halloween party
I will let you have
more than bite
DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE
Double, double, toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble
Shake it shake it at
the double
Don’t drink much or
you’re in trouble
THEY MAY LOOK CUTE AND SWEET
They may look cute and sweet
They may look smart and
dandy
But they’re vicious
little monsters
Who’ll rob you of all
your candy
Friday, 28 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 275
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a
great fall
All the Kings horses
and all the Kings men
Never saw Humpty
Dumpty again
ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 3
Are you wearing leg warmers?
Not the most cutting
edge look of yours
But what goes around
comes around
Or has the elastic gone in you drawers
ARE YOU WEARING BLACK VELVET?
Are you wearing black velvet?
You look like the
Black Queen
That’s so fitting for
the season
I really do love
Halloween
WHAT TO GIVE ON HALLOWEEN
What to give on Halloween?
Is a no brainer in the
end
Because everyone knows
Demons are a ghoul's
best friend
IT’S NOT MY FAVOURITE HOLIDAY
It’s not my favourite holiday
And although opinions vary
I do really love Halloween
As I can eat, drink and be scary
IT WAS SO BIG AND ROUND
It was so big and round
Like a big orange
bumpkin
It was a fat
Jack-O-Lantern
Carved out of a plumpkin
WALKING ABROAD I SPIED
Walking abroad I spied
A withered limping
Goblin
He didn’t scare me at
all
As he was only a
hoblin goblin
RED EYE
In all the photos of her
She was terribly Red
Eyed
I thought it was the
camera
But no matter how I
tried
I couldn’t get a good
shot
But it wasn’t a lack
of skill
Or any technical fault
It turned out she was
evil
TWO WITCHES LIVED TOGETHER
Two witches lived together
When they were in the
states
But there was nothing
going on
They were just
Broommates
ARE YOU WEARING A HALLOWEEN OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a Halloween outfit?
Well, you really do
look good in it
And it doesn’t look
risqué, not a bit
It’s a really cracking
little outfit
DIVIDE THE CIRCUMFERENCE
Divide the circumference
Of a Pumpkin by
Its diameter, and you
Will get Pumpkin Pi
SHE MAY BE A WITCH
She may be a witch
And she may do spells
Which sounds like poetry
As far as anyone tells
So just beware of
Unnatural smells
Or you’ll fall victim
To one of her spells
Thursday, 27 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 274
Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall
No one actually saw it
at all
And he can’t say what
the truth is
Because he’s totally
gone to pieces
ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 2
Are you wearing leg warmers?
It’s a fashion
statement well made
But if memory serves
me well
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a witch’s outfit?
Does it come with all
the kit?
The shoes and cloak
and hat
Striped stockings and
all that
Then ply me with your
potion
And realize your every
notion
HELLO SEXY HALLOWEEN GIRL
Hello sexy Halloween girl
Just one look at you
And how my old heart
beats
So, tell me sexy
Halloween girl
That you have no
tricks for me
But you will give me
some treats
HELLO DARLING HALLOWEEN GIRL
Hello darling Halloween girl
With your bag half
full of sweets
I hope you have no
tricks for me
If I top up your bag
with treats
SPIRITUOUS
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally
scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed
it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous
liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
A HALLOWEEN HORROR
A Halloween horror
Threatens my faith
A demon of my own
making
The haunting of a
wraith
HORRORS OF HELL
Horrors of hell
Those cast down
Rise on Halloween
To walk about town
Bloody demons
In bloody gown
Horrors of hell
Will cut you down
ARE YOU WEARING A GHOST OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a ghost outfit?
I know it’s only a
white sheet or too
But if I let you scare
me once or twice
Then can I put the willies up you
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 11
If your blind date is described to you
As “Young at heart”
it’s just a trick
Read between the lines
and see they’re
Trying to fob you off
with some old geriatric
I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A WICCAN GIRL
I lost my virginity to a Wiccan girl
Who was a scrawny
little witch
With the reputation
for being
A bit of a thorny
little bitch
She mellowed to me in
my bed
And I was left with a
horny itch
Wednesday, 26 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 273
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a
great fall
Luckily, he didn’t end
up in bits
Because he was so off
his tits
ARE YOU WEARING LEG WARMERS? # 1
Are you wearing leg warmers?
It should be one of
those nostalgic sights
But if memory serves
and I’m not mistaken
They’re not supposed
to go under your tights
DEMONS WALK THE EARTH
Demons walk the earth
On All Hallows Eve
And will snatch away
Your soul at their
ease
PHANTASM
What is that ghostly apparition?
Is that ghostly figure
a Phantasm?
Come to haunt and terrorize
us?
No, it’s the kid from
next door, Adam
THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 1
The most comfortably fat
Old black witch’s cat
Is often known to take
a nap
ARE YOU WEARING WEREWOLF EARS?
Are you wearing Werewolf ears?
It’s an unusual look
for a girl
But if you’re a bit of
an animal
I’m happy to give it a
whirl
THE OLD BLACK WITCH’S CAT # 2
The old black witch’s cat
Has nothing much to do
He’s a sleepy old
familiar
Oddly named
Witchitypoo
He is quite partial to
a mouse
Should one happen into
view
But he doesn’t stir
himself
For he never has to
pursue
There is no thought of
chasing
And no need to bite
and chew
For with a flick of
his paw
A spell is cast by
Witchitypoo
And then he leisurely
dines
On a tasty mouse stew
IT WAS HALLOWEEN AND
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to
a party
They were both dressed
as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the
supermarket
But didn’t have any
cash
So, we thought we’d
steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top
of the racks
Which we couldn’t
reach
So, I had to stand on
their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under
his cape
And without drawing
attention
We casually made our
escape
But we were caught on
CCTV
A very clear image by
all accounts
I was charged with
shoplifting
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 2
Are you wearing Halloween tights?
Oh, how they are
exciting me
Adorned with a festive
motif
What a Halloween this
will be
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKERS?
Are you wearing Halloween Knickers?
Is that appropriate
for vicars
Just kneel upon this
hassock
While I rummage in
your cassock
The bishop wouldn’t
think it funny
My naughty little
Wiccan honey
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 10
If your blind date is described to you
As “A Good Listener”
don’t go all romantic
Because it will be
worse than it sounds
Tuesday, 25 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 272
Mary had a little lamb
She also had a ram
But he was too light
on his feet
So wasn’t worth a damn
ARE YOU WEARING WHISKERS?
Are you wearing whiskers?
Well, it’s not really
workin’
And to tell you the
truth
It’s really rather
irkin’
It would be better all
round
If you just wore a
merkin
THE LITTLE BEWITCHER
She is a little bewitcher
The little servant of
Wicca
Who has ensnared my
heart
Which I opposed from
the start
I was happy being
single
But she has made my
senses tingle
And she used her
Wiccan ways
Against all resistance
raised
It is not some
fanciful notion
To blame an exotic
potion
Or the casting of a
spell
To bewitch me quite so
well
Now she bends me too
her will
And gently holds me
still
Then this little
Wiccan miss
Captures my soul with
her kiss
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN TIGHTS? # 1
Are you wearing Halloween tights?
Adorned with a scary
motif
Well, if those long
festive limbs
Decorated with a
spooky motif
Were to entwine about
me
Then my resistant
would be brief
MY LITTLE WICKED WITCH AND I
My little wicked witch and I
Love to fly across the
night sky
And travel to special
places
Where no one knows our
faces
Where door with bolt
and lock
Ensures, Witch and
Warlock
Can scratch their
every itch
And a Warlock and a
Witch
Can safely enjoy a
little sin
Without familiars
listening in
DREAM WITCH
There is a witch of whom I’m fond
Who could carry me off
beyond
And we’d do magic with
my wand
We would quaff her
special brew
Fly on a broomstick
made for two
And do things naughty
witches do
But alas our special
tandem flight
Full of wicked and
delicious delight
Is but a dream I dream
each night
THE WITCHING HOUR
On All Hallows Eve take special care
You may not see them,
but they are there
And as they mix up
their witch’s brew
They’ll have their witchy
eyes on you
AT THE WITCHING HOUR
At the Witching hour
The Zombies walk
The Banshees scream
And the Ravens squawk
The Witches’ fly
The familiar’s talk
The Vampires bite
And the Demons stalk
IN THE BLACKNESS OF THE NIGHT
In the blackness of the night
Performing their
satanic rite
Satan’s followers
incite
To every Demons
delight
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN HOSIERY?
Are you wearing Halloween hosiery?
Phwor are you going to
let me see
Oh, how they cling to
the shape of you
I would like to cling
to them too
Oh yes, I like them
very much
Perhaps I might have a
touch
Oh, you are a proper
tease
Would you let me if I
said please?
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 9
If your blind date is described to you
As “Wanting a
Soulmate” then watch out
Because it will be
worse than it sounds
They’ll be a stalker
without a doubt
Monday, 24 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 271
There was an Old Woman lived under a hill
There was an old woman
Lived under a hill,
Now she has died
ARE YOU WEARING A HORSES HEAD?
Are you wearing a horse’s head?
Are you supposed to be
PUCK?
Oh, you’re running the
marathon
Well, aren’t you the silly fool
THOSE LITTLE DARLINGS
Those little darlings
With their angelic
eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their
disguise
They’re nothing but
thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their
sport
They say “Trick or
treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the
minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done
LAMIA
Beautiful Lamia
Queen of Libya
Lover of Zeus
Rival of Hera
Beautiful Lamia
Became a mother
Loved by Zeus
Despised by Hera
Wife of Zeus
The jealous Hera
Murdered the children
Of Beautiful Lamia
Driven insane by grief
Beautiful Lamia
Became an ugly
Child devourer
Hera became
A vengeful bitch
Lamia became
A blood sucking witch
IT HAPPENS ON THE NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN
It happens on the night
Of Halloween
When the spirits of
creatures
Can pass between
And some spooky spooks
Might well be seen.
Some ghouls are good
And others are mean
Some ghosts have
substance
And visibly preen
While others glow
Luminescent green
But watch out for
witches
That arrive on the
scene
For in the blink of an
eye
They’ll whip out your
spleen
WHEN THE WICCANS WAIL
It is All Hallows Eve
The night of all souls
Samhain Day
When the wiccans wail
At the witching hour
When the Demons walk
Souls will be taken
LITTLE MONSTERS
Little monsters in costumes
Looking for candy
treats
Terrorizing the
neighbours
All along the street
They prey on young or
old
To satisfy their
appetites
Treats are handed over
To creatures of the
night
With their goody bags
Full of every candy
treat
They can’t wait to get
home
Before they start to
eat
Then when the bags are
empty
They realize their
mistake
They’ve eaten so much
candy
They’ve all got stomachache
WITCHNAPPED
On her broomstick she swoops
And into her arms she
scoops
A poor unsuspecting
young man
Because as a witch she
can
And carries him off
through the night
Then uses him for her
delight
In the light of the
cauldrons fire
She indulges her every desire
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN DRAWERS?
Are you wearing Halloween drawers?
I would like a look at
yours
I bet a pound to a
penny
You’re not wearing any
There we have it at
last
You are as I thought
bare arsed
Of course, it makes
you look loose
Even if you have an
excuse
Well yes it would be
regarded as a treat
And not just down your
street
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS? # 2
Are you wearing Halloween stockings?
With a wicked witch
motif
Along those long
festive garlands
How I wish to trace
each relief
Along each luscious limber
leg
An ascent exquisitely
brief
To reach the Halloween
treat
Beyond the wicked
witch motif
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 8
If your blind date is described to you
As “Professional” then
start to twitch
Because it will be
worse than it sounds
And she will
definitely be a Certified Bitch
Sunday, 23 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 270
A Little Cock Sparrow
Sat on a tree,
Until a sparrow hawk
Ate him for his tea
ARE YOU WEARING A TRENCH COAT?
Are you wearing a trench coat?
It’s certainly got my
vote
It’s got you wrapped
up well
And not a soul could
tell
That beneath its
military style
You’re quite naked all
the while
SEASON OF WITCH
When the werewolf’s howl
And vampires take to
the wing
When the witches start
to brew
And you hear the
banshees sing
When the ghouls are on
the move
And the ghosts can all
be seen
Then that’s the time
you know
That it’s the night of
Halloween
TIS ON THE NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN
Tis on the night of Halloween
When ghosts and ghouls
and things obscene
Arrive when our worlds
come together unseen
And the souls and
demons can pass between
A VAMPIRES TALE
When the sun has long set
At dead of night
I rise from my bed
And go out for a bite
Soon I am flying
On my vampire quest
Its fresh young necks
That I like the best
Though I am in no way
A connoisseur
And I would not turn
down
Something more mature
Soon I find a subject
Ripe for the picking
And when I’ve supped
My lips I’m licking
Then I return
fulfilled
To my dark domain
And sleep the clock around
Until I can sup again
TERROR THREAT
I wear a funny wig
My sister has a mask
We are well disguised
To go about our task
To have fun with our
friends
Collecting Candy to
eat
As we terrorise the
neighbours
As we go “trick or
treat”
YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD FOR HALLOWEEN
It was a really spooky night
And I saw a very scary
sight
We had been out “trick
or treating”
And got home and
started freaking
My parents were
dressed as witches
Both were without
their breeches
And my mum, not a
natural blonde
Was playing with my father’s
wand
GHOSTS AND GHOULS COME OUT
On Halloween, all hallows eve
Ghosts and ghouls come
out
But not to do their
evil work
They just want to
stroll about
They can mix with the
living
At this one time of
the year
And not be discovered
Or cause screams of
fear
They just mingle with
fleshies
All through Halloween
night
Enjoying the company
But are gone by first
light
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN STOCKINGS?
Are you wearing Halloween stockings?
Beneath your long
black coat
Are you suitably
resplendent?
Will you really float
my boat?
Are they risqué and
shocking?
Will they easily get
my vote?
It could mean a happy
Halloween
For a certain horny old goat
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN GARTERS?
Are you wearing Halloween garters?
Answer me that one for
starters
Beneath your dress up
high
Around your black clad
thigh
Where the black sheath
is stopping
Where they are lacy at
the topping
Are there pagan garter
rings
Sexily placed
decorative things
Please answer this one
for starters
Are you wearing
Halloween garters?
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 7
If your blind date is described to you
As “a Poet” don’t go
all romantic
Because it will be
worse than it sounds
And they’ll be a depressive Schizophrenic
Saturday, 22 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 269
A carrion crow sat on an oak,
A gallows tree, for a
carrion crow,
“Soon I’m going to eat
that bloke”
Said the carrion crow
sat on the oak,
ARE YOU WEARING A MERKIN?
Are you wearing a merkin?
I’m sorry about the
smirkin’
But to be quite honest
Betty
It looked better on
the yeti
IT HAPPENED LAST HALLOWEEN
I stepped out of the car
And was verbally
assailed
As I stood upon my
drive
“Trick or treat”
Came the banshee
chorus
From creatures barely
alive
I was taken aback
By this unprecedented
event
This new tactic they’d
contrived
In the past I had been
safe
Behind locked doors
When the leaches
arrive
But pretending not to
be in
Would not cut it any
more
If I was to survive
I must be as clever
As the candy seeking
predators
And learn to duck and
dive
So, when a firework
went off
And their attention
was distracted
I ran away to hide
THE LITTLE CHILDREN SAY
The little children say
All cute and sweet
On all hallows eve
“Trick or treat”
The little pleading
faces
Look up with innocence
Wide eyed angels
Full of malevolence
A cute kid you can
trust
I haven’t met yet
And what they really
mean
Is tricks and threats
THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
On all hallows eve when the sun has set
The ghosts and ghouls
come out to play
With dripping fangs
and bloody claws
They prowl the street
in search of prey
And when to my door
the fiends appear
I tell the “Trick or
Treaters” to go away
TRICK OR TREAT
When the little boys and girls
Knock at my door for
candy
I must give them what
they want
“Or else” is their
modus operandi
So, with a false smile
I comply
But under my breath I
pray
That by the time
Christmas comes
They’ll all have tooth
decay
THE COSTUMED ARMY
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of
the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at
hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will
cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed
army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil
spirits barmy
So, to protect
yourselves
Keep a proper payment
handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some
candy
JACK O’LANTERN
Jack O’Lantern’s light
Gazing out into the
night
In the window there
Staring out a scary
stare
With your
unsympathetic grin
And glowing orange
skin
Are you there to keep
the spirits out?
With your jagged
leering mouth
Or is your gnarled and
toothless grin
There to invite the
evil in?
ARE YOU WEARING DEVILS HORNS?
Are you wearing devils’ horns?
Now I get one of those
winks
You’re wearing the
tail as well?
You naughty little
minx
You are clearly more
devilish
Than anyone else
thinks
Is it because it’s
Halloween
Or a few too many Drinks
ARE YOU WEARING HALLOWEEN KNICKS?
Are you wearing Halloween knicks?
Proper novelty
underwear
All festively decked
down below
In a suitably seasonal
pair
It doesn’t matter the
decor
It will make an old
man stare
Just you in your
Halloween knickers
What wonderful
Witching hour fare
IF YOUR BLIND DATE IS DESCRIBED TO YOU # 6
If your blind date is described to you
As “a free spirit” you
may fancy a frolic
But it will be far
worse than it sounds
They’re either a drug
addict or an alcoholic
Friday, 21 October 2022
21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 268
There was a man lived in the moon,
And it was in July, and not in June
When the man who lived in the moon,
Found the Americans had come
ARE YOU WEARING GLITTER?
Are you wearing glitter?
On your down below
You’re all blinged up
Where only I should go
Your vajayjay been vajazzled
You’ve decked your
minge
It looks like a disco
ball
You might as well say
blinge
TANGO’D
It is possible to have
Too much of a good
thing
I feel I should say,
though
I’m not sure where to
begin
It involves the colour
orange
i.e. too much fake
tanning
So, unless it’s
Halloween
Please don’t look like
a pumpkin
ARE YOU WEARING A WITCH’S HAT?
Are you wearing a witch’s hat?
I don’t know what I
think of that
I will just have to
wait and see
If you decide to put a
spell on me
I think it might be a
thrill
If you were to bend me
to your will
SHE COULD BEGUILE AND MESMERISE
She could beguile
And mesmerize
She could entrance
And hypnotize
She was a cunning
Thorny little bitch
She was also a
stunning
Horny little Witch
ARE YOU WEARING A GHOULISH OUTFIT?
Are you wearing a ghoulish outfit?
It’s made from an old
bed sheet isn’t it?
That could be useful
when the fun begins
As it could cover a multitude of sins
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